No friends, feeling lost
Spent most of my freshman and sophomore year preparing for and recruiting. Now I'm a junior with an offer, but I have no real friends and am sitting alone in the library on a Saturday night pretending to study. I'm a decently sociable person (or at least I can fake it well), so I have a lot of acquittances, but the truth is that I've never really liked most people at my school. I'm a bit of an introvert, so I actually don't really mind being alone most days, but part of me feels like I'm wasting my youth. That said, I've never really liked people my age, or just being young in general for that matter. I find partying and drinking to be pretty boring, but I dislike the nerdy/non-partying crowd at my school just as much, if not more. What really pains me is to have so many acquittances, but no real friends. I don't even know how I'm going to find a roommate for the summer.
I'm not quite sure what to do from here. I should add that I'm from a humanities background and, although (again) I can be quite sociable, I find a lot of business kids to just be sort of simple and single-minded. I just can't see myself being close friends with someone who only really cares about girls, football, and their parlays. I know I probably sound like an asshat, but know that I'm equally unenthusiastic about people like me. It's why I decided to do finance after all; I just couldn't stand the snobs in my philosophy and politics classes. Maybe it's just the school I go to, but I've always struggled to fit in, and I fear that this could bite me in the ass in a field that's big on personal relationships.
I guess I only wrote this to vent really, but any thoughts or advice would be appreciated, even if it's just to tell me that I sound like just another stuck-up prick.
So...do you not have any hobbies?
my hobbies are pretty individual (lifting, reading, piano, etc.)
you could make friends at the gym and lift with them.
Will be tough to make friends at any point in time if you have ruled out every single possible group for various infractions.
I would be more open-minded—people are not so stereotypical that they can be classified with one word like you think. Take initiative to meet people, even those who you think you would hate, spend time with them first, and then judge them based on their whole person, not on a label from far away.
You're right, and it's not like I don't speak with people I think I would (or actually do) dislike. But my comments come from personal experience, and I can't deny that I've been quite disappointed with the lack of depth in many of the people I've met. I don't think the issue is really meeting or befriending people, but actually becoming close with them. And I think that's tough to do when you find yourself having little in common with people or little to say to them.
People do like me, I don't want to give the impression that I'm some socially-incompetent loser, but I just have no one that I'm close enough with to randomly hit up and get lunch with or go out with. Even the people I'd consider myself closest to are always saying they want to get dinner and etc., but when I actually hit them up they never respond.
I've of course tried stepping out of my head, and I am friends with a decent amount of people who I'm not at all like. But again, these friendships are relatively surface level. I can think of a few that are deeper, where people ask me for advice and admit personal things to me, but even then these people never invite me to go out with them or anything. I'm clearly someone they respect enough to come to for personal advice, but I guess not someone they see as fun enough to actually spend much time with.
What I'm really getting at is that, as much as I can make the effort to go out and befriend people I wouldn't normally see myself getting along with, I feel like I hit a wall and can't get much closer to them. So, unless if they're seeking me out for some reason, I end up alone. On the other hand, this doesn't always seem all that bad to me. After all, I'd rather be alone than friends with people I don't care for. But it's not that black-and-white, hence my worry for what's to come. Does that make sense?
Sidebar but think about HF recruiting when you're in IBD. Your disposition, you're going to really dislike IBD/PE the higher up you go. Plus your personality type will love HF investing.
Being autistic =/= cut out for HF unfortunately
There’s no way I’m smart enough to work at a HF. I barely managed my way into IB 😭
You're definitely smart enough to work at a HF.
Your situation is a lot more common than you think. It will get even worse once you start working. You really have to just put yourself out there instead of instantly rejecting them. You can’t have the deep chats without the initial bs small talks about the weather.
I probably came off a little dramatic in my post, I apologize, but of course I do not instantly reject people. My comments were made on past experience, the many people who I did give a genuine fair shot to but was often disappointed by. I don’t at all mind small talk and, in fact, I have a lot of acquaintances I think do like my presence. The issue is I have no real deeper friends
The deeper you want your friendships to be, the more time you need to spend to discover said depth. That said its natural to not have many deeper friends. Maybe you will meet someone you click with instantly, maybe not. Its luck dependant but you can make your own luck. The more you put yourself out there the more likely it is for you to meet someone you click with.
Above comments great. Two additions:
* Given you have systematically eliminated so many characteristics and interests of other individuals, this might actually be a reasonably easy question to answer: What exactly does this (semi-)perfect friend you want actually look like? What’s your sensitivity to variance away from that set of characteristics?
* I’m a little like you in that I hold my closest friends to exceptionally high standards. I have found it helpful to be ok with designating people as just sort of ‘entertainment’ friends. That is to say, yes I find it frustrating that all person X ever wants to do is (e.g.) drink, no I would not trust them with much of anything, but when I want to drink I can put that all aside and just have a good time with person X. It sounds a little ‘high horse’, but I don’t look down on these people, and I’m fine if they feel the same way about me. [TLDR: People that you know are flawed and that you only see for a good time are ok. You don’t have to be actually close friends with everyone.]
This is good advice thank you. I will say I do think about many people the way you describe it in your second point and I have absolutely spent a lot of time with purely fun friends in the past. I guess my issue though is these relationships don’t amount to anything since (i) they’re only for entertainment and (ii) people eventually see through you or just never become interested in you because you’re a fun friend to them too. This is how I end up with so many acquaintances that I do genuinely think like and respect me, but will never actually end up making the effort to grab lunch, etc.
I wrote this in my (albeit long) comment above, but my issue isn’t really being social and open, it’s about being bad/uncertain on how to form deeper connections with people I can’t seem to access beyond minor friendships.
"Entertainment friends" so your acquaintances.
I'm the same way. I legit have only...3-4 people I would consider "friends" because the word "friend" means something big to me.
Greek life
I’m
I read something online a while back that made a lot of sense: "Annoyance is the price of community"
If you want to build real and genuine friendships, you have to get to know other people and continue to build those relationships. People won't open up to you immediately, just as you wouldn't for others. It takes time and lots of "contact".
This world is quite literally the Matrix dude. Consider yourself luckily that your eyes are open to it. Most people can't see. That said, I don't have much advice without getting way too philosophical/spiritual for this forum. Just know that you are not alone.
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