Non-HYPSMW Target is Paradise

Maybe you didn't get into Wharton ED1 or Harvard REA but that's okay. You're still at the upper echelon of society as you ambiguously tell people "I go to an ivy league university" (Cornell) or "I'm a T10 university" (Northwestern). Maybe you'll half-heartedly say "I prefer academic rigor" immediately after telling people you're at UChicago (You ED2'd from a prep school after being rejected by SCEA to Yale). No matter, you'll justify to yourself that it was the right choice by cherry picking a top boutique on Wall St. that hired 2 people from your school last year (they were both nepo). You meticulously study M&I400 before the school year starts. 

You get onto campus in the fall and immediately gun for the top clubs. "Maybe it's not GPS but the placement is lights out!" You coffee chat upperclassmen, glazing them for their internships at GS TMT (diversity ex-sophomore SA) and CAP (who will be fired within 18 months after their Uber short blows up). You nervously submit your application after writing 2000 words completely lying about why you want to get into investing ("intellectual curiosity") and private equity (“I think businesses are sooooo interesting”). You get the first round interview. You spent the next 30 hours diligently memorizing answers to "How many windows are in Manhattan?" and "What's 52 x 48?" Finally, you nervously enter Collis Center and think that this is it. This is make or break. 

"It must be nepotism. Everyone knows each other here" you think to your rejection email, ignoring your borderline autistic, mumbled answers (the last time you spoke to a girl was an Amazon driver 4 months ago). It doesn't matter, you're at a target school. Clubs are only necessary for non-targets who have a poverty alumni network. You can't lie though, it stings to not update LinkedIn with "Dartmouth Investment and Philanthropy Program (DIPP).” Whatever. You're still at a target. You'll still make GS TMT/MS M&A/Q/PJT RSSG/EVR M&A. At the end of first semester, you insert @Delta Sigma Pi in your instagram bio and add TAMID to your experience section. You’re him. 

You did it. You finally finished your recruiting cycle. Sure, maybe Ross isn't a target for CVP HC but you made it to an even better role: Gordon Dyal/M Klein/Allen & Co. 350k TC you shout to all of your impoverished GS/MS/JPM SA buddies. "You're making less than 350k?? That's crazy bro. Glad I took Gordon Dyal." You finally made it. The moment you got the offer you put “Incoming 2026 Investment Banking Summer Analyst” on your LinkedIn and then immediately scrolled to your non-target friends, who most certainly did not get an offer, let alone to the caliber of a An1 350k TC….. What the fuck?? How the fuck did non-target Andy from OSU land GS FIG? Maybe he lied about being black. He certainly was not a better candidate than you. No way. He was from a non-target. Your heart rate normalizes as you search his last name in his connections on LinkedIn and find his father is an MD at Apollo. Phew, just another case of nepotism. You’re still him. You keep on scrolling, laughing at each of the BB sheep and EB retards. PJT only pays 250k LMAO. JPM can’t even recruit for on-cycle anymore buddy. Non-HYPSMW target is paradise.