Technicals. Lots of technicals…

Technicals. Lots of technicals…That’s how the interview for the Global Head of Consumer at Midtown-based investment bank began. I had barely sat down when they hit me with a barrage of questions that made me question every decision that had led me to this moment. They weren’t starting easy either – no soft introductions. Instead, they went straight into complex financial models, quizzing me on things like the most efficient cross-border deal structures and the tax implications of mergers across multiple European jurisdictions.

I was expecting a broader, high-level discussion. You know, leadership vision, strategy, the usual. But no, it was technical after technical. I held my own at first, explaining leverage buyouts and international tax structures, but then they threw a curveball: “How would you handle synergies in a reverse triangular merger involving entities in conflicting regulatory frameworks across three continents?”

When they asked me the classic finance interview question, “If you could only choose one financial statement to evaluate a company, which would it be?” I knew I had to make an impression. So, I took a deep breath, leaned in slightly, and with complete confidence said:

“That’s a good question. Let’s think about that. I’d say the balance sheet – because, honestly, I’m all about balance. You know, work-life balance, asset-liability balance… it just vibes with me. Plus, who wouldn’t want to look at their assets all day? A few cars, maybe a boat or two, a collection of nice watches, some high-end art… and let’s not forget, this is all for tax purposes, of course. Stocks, bonds, crypto, the works. I’ve got it all, you know? And whatever else the babes like. I’m down for whatever.”

The room went silent for a moment. I could tell they didn’t quite know what to do with that level of truth. Then I casually followed up with, “What about you?” as if I’d just dropped the most enlightened take on financial analysis since GAAP standards were introduced.

Let’s just say their reaction was… memorable. But hey, work-life balance and looking at boats? It’s a lifestyle.

(But seriously, the correct answer is usually the cash flow statement because it shows liquidity, but who cares when you’ve got yachts, right?)

I had no idea what kind of deep-sea financial creatures they were wrestling with, but I felt like I was being asked to translate ancient hieroglyphics. My brain froze. I tried to answer with something that sounded intelligent – something about optimizing operations – but I was clearly sinking fast.

But it didn’t end there. About halfway through the interview, I felt something strange… a sharp pain in my leg. I looked down to see a squirrel… no, wait, not just any squirrel. This was the angriest, most deranged-looking squirrel I had ever seen, gnawing through my pants. It had somehow snuck into the building, possibly in a bid to sabotage the M&A interview process. As I swatted it away, trying to maintain a semblance of professionalism, I could see the interviewers exchanging puzzled glances.

I excused myself, limping out of the room with a bizarre mix of embarrassment, confusion, and genuine concern that I was now a rabies candidate.

Needless to say, the interview didn’t end well. I excused myself early, walked straight out, and went directly to the ER. I explained to the baffled nurse that, yes, I had been attacked by a squirrel during an M&A interview. After getting a shot for rabies and contemplating life, I decided I deserved a reward for surviving. So, I went on a long walk to Chipotle and treated myself to a burrito bowl.

Moral of the story: Always be prepared… for both technicals and rogue wildlife