UBS IB vs. Scientology Sea Org
Weighing both offers right now. I’ve heard both are intense cults with brutal hours and low effective pay, but one has a certain, eternal, Xenu-approved charm.
The UBS IB analyst gig runs for 2 years whereas the Sea Org contract stretches a majestic 2 billion years. I have to admit, the stability of that 2-billion-year commitment is strangely comforting — no worrying about the next round of layoffs.
The Scientology offer throws in full room and board, which starts looking pretty genius compared to shelling out $2.5k a month for a shoebox room with roommates in the East Village. The UBS role also appears to be quite pitch-heavy — you find yourself on v94 of the deck for fake bake-offs that may or may not go anywhere — whereas the Sea Org has zero pitching involved. They’re focused on saving the planet and clearing the universe, not endless merger models for scenarios that don’t make any sense.
Additionally, while Scientology’s $50 a week salary is modest on paper, it feels more competitive when you factor in the effective hourly rate at UBS and recent bonuses. Scientology uses a high amount of R-1 religious worker visas, whereas UBS uses a high amount of H-1B visas. Additionally, while exits at UBS have not been the best post-CS acquisition (LMM PE, Corp Dev) I feel like Scientology could set me up for good exits (Mission Impossible, Top Gun: Maverick, Saturday Night Fever).
I’m leaning toward Scientology. What do you guys think?
I’d rank:
1. Chattanooga based boutique
2. Wells Fargo Anchorage branch
3. Scientology Sea Org
4. UBS
The Who’s who of non serious organizations
Where's BGL Tel Aviv?
Congrats on UBS!
Do Sea Org. Why live in Mamdani’s New York when you can live in Clearwater, Florida?
I know this is a shitpost, but IB is actually so similar to an actual cult. No privacy. No personal time. No freedoms. Expected to be on call 24/7. Expected to work 100 hour weeks, sacrifice your health, sacrifice time with friends and family. And crabs in a bucket mentality minions enforcing the rules if you step out of line.
But don’t worry about the pitfalls of IB in the short term, at the end you will be “saved” (or sold a lie, while those in charge of the cult are corrupt and steal all the wealth)
They also abuse the least powerful in their organizations
Remember; it's not a shitpost if it adds value
Do Mormonism instead. You get a blonde wife (or two, or three), can ski that sweet Utah pow, and if you’re lucky, your own planet after you die
Picture this: it’s Sunday morning. You stayed up late yesterday watching the BYU football game. You put on your temple garments (underwear) underneath your suit, while your bombshell blonde wife makes pancakes for your five kids. You hop into your GMC Yukon to drive to church - but first a stop at the local Swig where your wife gets a 44 ounce diet Dr Pepper with creamer and strawberry syrup mixed in (coffee is haram). You spend 2 hours at the service, then drive to In-N-Out and get double doubles and animal style fries. Being Mormon is paradise.
Congrats on Ensign Peak!
Fuckin 'ell this sounds like heaven
I’d never thought I’d be choosng Scientology on WSO, but he we are
Sea Org is 8 am - 11 pm. That’s better hours!
And they give you three meals a day, whereas UBS only gives you one (for now).
UBS analyst isn’t 2 years anymore AFAIK, these cheap fucks want to make people do 3 years before doing A2A now
Wait is that true
Yeah, why pay you like an associate if you can’t exit. Penalize you an extra analyst year for staying on the books
its because they need to adjust for the constant decrease in deal flow haha. Its probably because now the average analyst gets 1 deal rep every 3 years instead of every 2 years...
They should merge UBS’s tech team with Xenu’s volcano. Would be accretive day one.
Take the Sci Opportunity over Tech, M&T and M&A for sure
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