Improvements and help on Cold Email Format

I am a freshman at a nontarget school that does not have any IB alumni. I have created a Google doc of different cold emails I am sending to IB MM firms in hopes of getting an internship. Any tips would be greatly appreciated. 

I hope you're having a great start to INSERT DAY. My name is Monkey, and I am a freshman studying business economics at (nontarget school). I am very interested in investment banking, which led to my starting the Finance news club at ( non target school). Along with this, I am a member of the Economics Club, where I am doing research on behavioral economics. I would love to have an opportunity to talk for 15 minutes about your journey to ( FIRM NAME). ( for some of the cold emails, I try adding a connection like how they went from accounting to IB, etc.) Along with this, could you offer any advice to someone who aspires to work in investment banking? I am more than happy to accommodate whatever time works best with your schedule.

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