Most Unignorable Cold Email for people with Massive Balls

So I've been aggressively trying to lateral to another boutique firm and have been going through all the traditional steps: Reaching out to my network, alumni, people I have some sort of connection with. but cold emailing will always be part of the process. I've had some success with the basic cold email format that we all see in the networking guides, but i'm looking to step things up. What would be your version of the most savage, unignorable, dont-give-a-fuck, I-have-massive-balls, get-hired-instantly, automatically-promoted-to-MD, cold email template you can think of?

Comments (44)

Oct 15, 2021 - 1:44pm
CreditAnalyst85, what's your opinion? Comment below:

This is entirely ineffective unless you put in the work to find out one of his kids' names and drop it in the note.

Jan 1, 2022 - 6:27pm
BillionairesPartner, what's your opinion? Comment below:

That will fucking do it! Truth be told if I allowed my Bad side to rein free I'd use this advice.

However since I am not a criminal.

I would say. Show up and look the Cock Sucker in the Eyes and say Fuck you feel the person disrespects you.

End of Message. 🏴‍☠️

  • Associate 3 in IB-M&A
Oct 11, 2021 - 11:18am

Literally none. If you are at all annoying you will get a 100% ignore rate. If you are a "savage" your email (with name attached) will be forwarded all around the street for laughs. 

At the end of the day, the people you are emailing are doing you a massive favor, so you need to keep sending polite emails. Stand out through your resume and conversational skills.

  • Incoming Analyst in IB - Cov
Oct 11, 2021 - 12:42pm

"Hey you missed the call we scheduled. Call me back?"

>You never scheduled a call with him

Oct 11, 2021 - 1:18pm
ThiccPik, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Just follow Mike Scott's method to get to David Wallace: 

"He told me where his kids go to school. I call the school, I tell them I'm a pediatrician. They patch me through to his secretary. I use my little girl voice. Badda bing, badda boom"

Array

  • 21
  • Associate 2 in ER
Oct 11, 2021 - 8:47pm

Tell them you are a MF PE headhunter & that your contact details are in the attached image. When they open up the attached image send a d*ck pic!!

Oct 11, 2021 - 10:47pm
m_1, what's your opinion? Comment below:

You could try cold calling and busting through the secretary. I used to do this when cold calling to reach pubco CEOs to sell them PR.

The trick is to call and use the person's first name + sound super impatient. I used to use the line, "Scott please, it's about the Forbes placement..." then exhale loudly lol. You need to sound really annoyed but polite.

Maybe for a job you could say something like, "Scott please, it's about one of the positions he's after..." and keep it vague. The secretary/main office won't know. You can also find #s on LinkedIn or press releases for most MDs. IMO nothing to lose. Yolo.

This method works well enough that I ended up on a call with Costco's COO once. He was really polite about telling me to fk off and now I'm a lifetime costco fan.

Oct 12, 2021 - 9:10am
Jerome Powell, what's your opinion? Comment below:

This method works by the way. Use it all the time. I promise you whatever md you're trying to reach will know and respect the grind so when they ask how you got their number just be like "lied to your secretary john" and they'll be like "oh nice I do that all the time" 

  • 2
  • Associate 1 in AM - Other
Oct 12, 2021 - 10:37am

This is a great way to get in touch with almost anyone if you have enough confidence. While not related to finance, when I was 16 I wanted to meet (and get on stage with...?) a famous band that was coming to town for a big outdoor show. I called the band's talent agency and said something along the lines of "Hey - this is *name* in *city where venue was located*. I'm calling about some matters pertaining to the upcoming show. Can you connect me to *first name of manager* by EOD today?"

For some reason the person on the other end of the line gave me the manager's personal cell number. No lies were told, but I'm pretty sure they thought I worked for the city and wanted to discuss logistics for the show. The guy ended up giving me VIP meet-and-greet tickets and a number I could call if I wanted to get backstage. 

I've also heard of analysts mailing hard copies of industry overview decks with potential LBO/acquisition targets directly to partners at PE firms. Super gutsy move, but it apparently worked out for a few people and surely gets more attention than a cold email if the content is solid.

Long story short: throwing a hail mary sometimes works. Just be ready to be laughed at if it goes wrong. 

Oct 12, 2021 - 9:11am
TV_Infinity, what's your opinion? Comment below:

The most unignorable methods of cold communication, from my experience, have been:

  • Following up on the cold email every week until they respond
  • Calling the office and leaving a message every week until they respond
Oct 12, 2021 - 3:00pm
GoingToBeAnMD, what's your opinion? Comment below:

+SB

It's quality content like this that puts the brofessor above all

*
Oct 12, 2021 - 3:00pm
BigKahunaBanker, what's your opinion? Comment below:

I managed to strike gold a few times with snail mail and presents. Case in point, at a certain project I got the CFO on the line by sending an expensive wine with a personalized message to them. Otherwise, calls work great, as said above.

...and the Truth shall set you free
Oct 13, 2021 - 1:20pm
NoEquityResearch, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Yeah let me write that e-mail really quick so that you can copy/paste and mislead someone into thinking that you have massive balls........

Oct 15, 2021 - 11:18am
FinnesseGod, what's your opinion? Comment below:

I have never sent this nor do I condone career nuking. With that said... if I wanted to make an email unignorable...
 

"Subject: 5 Ways to Improve Your Sex Game - Number 3  will SHOCK you!

What's good, FirstName. 

Look... you know why I'm sending this, I'm a new grad looking to work at Firm trying to get any edge I can over the other try-hards also doing the same goddamn thing as me. I won't bother talking about myself, I attached my resume, if you care enough, you'll skim it. Anyway, here's my number: (xxx) xxx-xxxx. Call me literally whenever. Don't even bother scheduling it. 
 

Live long and prosper,

FirstName Last Name"

Guarantee, you'll get eyes on the email. 

  • Prospect in IB - Gen
Oct 25, 2021 - 1:26am

Best email strategy is to write from @harvard.edu

Nov 5, 2021 - 11:37am
valfrat, what's your opinion? Comment below:

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Nov 6, 2021 - 11:00am
Friedmaneconomics, what's your opinion? Comment below:

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