So I've been aggressively trying to lateral to another boutique firm and have been going through all the traditional steps: Reaching out to my network, alumni, people I have some sort of connection with. but cold emailing will always be part of the process. I've had some success with the basic cold email format that we all see in the networking guides, but i'm looking to step things up. What would be your version of the most savage, unignorable, dont-give-a-fuck, I-have-massive-balls, get-hired-instantly, automatically-promoted-to-MD, cold email template you can think of?
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Hey man, there is no such template and if there was nobody would be so generous to share it Just like that with the fucking internet
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Lmaoo who the fuck gave this helpful SBs
Yeah, you’ll land a banking gig in prison like Andy Dufresne
This is entirely ineffective unless you put in the work to find out one of his kids' names and drop it in the note.
The David Wallace technique
That will fucking do it! Truth be told if I allowed my Bad side to rein free I’d use this advice.
However since I am not a criminal.
I would say. Show up and look the Cock Sucker in the Eyes and say Fuck you feel the person disrespects you.
End of Message. 🏴☠️
Would need to include something along the lines of “I can bring in $X million of fees from xyz clients that I have”
Literally none. If you are at all annoying you will get a 100% ignore rate. If you are a "savage" your email (with name attached) will be forwarded all around the street for laughs.
At the end of the day, the people you are emailing are doing you a massive favor, so you need to keep sending polite emails. Stand out through your resume and conversational skills.
The "Every fiber of my Being" Kid got a job.
Just like sex panther - 60% of the time it works all the time.
Lol backstory? Link?
"Hey you missed the call we scheduled. Call me back?"
>You never scheduled a call with him
Just follow Mike Scott's method to get to David Wallace:
"He told me where his kids go to school. I call the school, I tell them I'm a pediatrician. They patch me through to his secretary. I use my little girl voice. Badda bing, badda boom"
cold mail to their offices with a wax seal of your schools crest (bonus if youre at some school like oxbridge)
.
Tell them you are a MF PE headhunter & that your contact details are in the attached image. When they open up the attached image send a d*ck pic!!
You could try cold calling and busting through the secretary. I used to do this when cold calling to reach pubco CEOs to sell them PR.
The trick is to call and use the person's first name + sound super impatient. I used to use the line, "Scott please, it's about the Forbes placement..." then exhale loudly lol. You need to sound really annoyed but polite.
Maybe for a job you could say something like, "Scott please, it's about one of the positions he's after..." and keep it vague. The secretary/main office won't know. You can also find #s on LinkedIn or press releases for most MDs. IMO nothing to lose. Yolo.
This method works well enough that I ended up on a call with Costco's COO once. He was really polite about telling me to fk off and now I'm a lifetime costco fan.
lmao this is fucking gold
absolute hustler
lemme see if I can get justine tobin on the phone using that method
This method works by the way. Use it all the time. I promise you whatever md you’re trying to reach will know and respect the grind so when they ask how you got their number just be like “lied to your secretary john” and they’ll be like “oh nice I do that all the time”
This is a great way to get in touch with almost anyone if you have enough confidence. While not related to finance, when I was 16 I wanted to meet (and get on stage with...?) a famous band that was coming to town for a big outdoor show. I called the band's talent agency and said something along the lines of "Hey - this is *name* in *city where venue was located*. I'm calling about some matters pertaining to the upcoming show. Can you connect me to *first name of manager* by EOD today?"
For some reason the person on the other end of the line gave me the manager's personal cell number. No lies were told, but I'm pretty sure they thought I worked for the city and wanted to discuss logistics for the show. The guy ended up giving me VIP meet-and-greet tickets and a number I could call if I wanted to get backstage.
I've also heard of analysts mailing hard copies of industry overview decks with potential LBO/acquisition targets directly to partners at PE firms. Super gutsy move, but it apparently worked out for a few people and surely gets more attention than a cold email if the content is solid.
Long story short: throwing a hail mary sometimes works. Just be ready to be laughed at if it goes wrong.
Any additional information on mailing the hard copies? I was going to do that for a RE deck to developers I wanted to work for with a handwritten note, what could go wrong right?
There is no such email. The best approach is to be polite and succinct. Reach out, follow up and if there’s no response move on.
I've found that big balls typically work best over the phone. Humility works best over email.
The most unignorable methods of cold communication, from my experience, have been:
My favorite one is waiting for the MD at his house
if you actually have a massive package, get a mold of it, mail it to the head of the group with your resume and a note that says "I can either fuck you or your competition with this, choose wisely"
+SB
It's quality content like this that puts the brofessor above all
Alternate: send mold with simply "too big to fail" written on the note.
wow, and I thought I had a good idea
I managed to strike gold a few times with snail mail and presents. Case in point, at a certain project I got the CFO on the line by sending an expensive wine with a personalized message to them. Otherwise, calls work great, as said above.
CALL ME BACK 911 in subject line
Yeah let me write that e-mail really quick so that you can copy/paste and mislead someone into thinking that you have massive balls........
I have never sent this nor do I condone career nuking. With that said... if I wanted to make an email unignorable...
"Subject: 5 Ways to Improve Your Sex Game - Number 3 will SHOCK you!
What's good, FirstName.
Look... you know why I'm sending this, I'm a new grad looking to work at Firm trying to get any edge I can over the other try-hards also doing the same goddamn thing as me. I won't bother talking about myself, I attached my resume, if you care enough, you'll skim it. Anyway, here's my number: (xxx) xxx-xxxx. Call me literally whenever. Don't even bother scheduling it.
Live long and prosper,
FirstName Last Name"
Guarantee, you'll get eyes on the email.
Now this is the type of thing I was looking for
Better have a great reason why they should hire you off an email. Like, impossibly great.
Best email strategy is to write from @harvard.edu
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