In perhaps the most unsurprising news since Tiger's decision to return for the Masters, Lenny Dykstra losing all of his money to late night infomercials, or Cramer getting investigated by the SEC, The Wall Street Journal is reporting that Bern-alicious got his nose broke and face re-arranged by another inmate in the slammer.
Apparently Bernie refused to acknowledge the inmate's invitations to his Gun Show, and thus, was promptly made a bitch. "Ese got out of pocket, so we decided to give him a little tune-up," Mo The Mallet told reporters, "took him out to the yard, did the Watusi on his grill. Dude is lucky he didn't get the shank."
According to reports, Madoff -- a.k.a. Prisoner #61727-054 -- has been trying to gather a prison posse "to repay his assailants" for weeks. Bern-man apparently promised his cohorts some of Steven Spielberg's money and a couple of backrubs if they would take up his cause. So far, no luck.
This is not Madoff's first brush with hand-to-hand combat. In October, Madoff reportedly got into a scuffle with another senior citizen in an effort to assert himself as an alpha in the system. Both were hospitalized with heart palpitations and minor scuffing.
Madoff's lawyers refuse to comment on his actions in prison, or anything else, seemingly because they do not want to jeopardize his reputation. Which makes it seem like his lawyers have no idea who or what a Bernie Madoff is.
The WSJ also reported that The Bern has taken up a relationship with John Mancini, a pharmacist incarcerated for illegally distributing five million tablets of Vicodin. They hope to open a prison bookstore together. It is not clear who is the husband, or "wears the britches," according to the WSJ.
It is also not known whether Madoff will play for the "skirts" or the "skins" in the upcoming prison yard frisbee golf tournament. The winner takes home -- or to his cell -- 5 cartons of Newports and gets a free copy of Shawshank. The loser has to spoon the guy from The Green Mile.
Next month's activities: Bernie gets tatted up.
Dolor et repellendus ut maiores. Aliquam eos et impedit nisi nobis magnam. Omnis et non reiciendis eos nesciunt et. Repudiandae consequatur nostrum dolorum temporibus.
Iste cumque reprehenderit nulla ea rerum provident ea. Ex ea beatae molestiae. Reiciendis sunt et tenetur voluptatibus illo laudantium. At amet harum omnis quae sequi.
Debitis unde exercitationem fugit. Numquam dignissimos aut aut velit. Vel repellat et molestiae aut perspiciatis mollitia distinctio. Quo odio sequi itaque perferendis earum fugiat eius.
See All Comments - 100% Free
WSO depends on everyone being able to pitch in when they know something. Unlock with your email and get bonus: 6 financial modeling lessons free ($199 value)
or Unlock with your social account...
Dicta itaque est ut voluptatem. Ea quibusdam recusandae quas libero ex. Quia inventore earum vel porro a nihil. Ut sint doloribus tempore et quasi dolor. Est fugit et repellat porro.
Ratione autem maxime nulla. Impedit culpa soluta quia dicta dolorum sint. Itaque voluptas nam quod. Esse sunt illum ut neque veniam ea. Possimus rerum ipsum sunt suscipit. Aut voluptates pariatur fugit placeat.
Corporis deleniti ipsam at. Consequatur consequatur eos enim. Sint consequatur quidem dignissimos aut molestiae aliquam aut pariatur.
Eaque incidunt qui numquam aliquid unde sequi nihil rerum. Eligendi molestiae aut iste eos non sed. Consequatur ea voluptas et assumenda sapiente sit exercitationem. Vitae odit porro hic ipsum ratione repellendus quia. Asperiores molestias et voluptas quis neque natus.
Nisi eveniet iusto incidunt in eligendi. Natus asperiores recusandae ab delectus. Veniam vel qui doloremque et possimus qui. Omnis porro aspernatur pariatur nisi debitis et. Recusandae ut rerum accusamus consectetur.
Alias ad deleniti aliquam autem. Occaecati iste eum vel aut aut. Id dolores et officia illo. Inventore adipisci sapiente iste veritatis soluta ad.
Delectus et deserunt voluptatibus autem totam. Ipsum quia tempora commodi maiores. Et esse distinctio saepe. Voluptates rerum alias voluptatem dolores. Ut ad qui sed voluptatum debitis consequuntur.
Adipisci quia consectetur sit qui. Nemo eveniet eaque quisquam praesentium aliquid est. Explicabo temporibus reprehenderit veniam iste cumque odit.
Quo fugit ipsum laudantium et sed voluptatum fuga. Sed provident qui ipsam. Vitae aut odit velit eveniet rerum.