I'm not writing this because I lack confidence or I have too much. I guess what I am having trouble with is finding a medium between the two. I have been told I have to much, but what drives me crazy is where is the line drawn between taking risks and confidence?
When I get told these things I go for about a week replaying every single thing I said, questioning everything I have done.
I have a great ability to talk to people, it seems like I go too far. How do you stop that? Is there anything that you feel can be done to curb it? Open to anything because its driving me nuts. I am who I am, and it bothers me to know that it could be a negative thing.
All jokes aside, this is going to hurt me in the long run if I don't fix it now.
It's really hard and you need to dial it in depending on who you're speaking with and the context.
As far as professional settings go, I've found most people prefer dealing with someone confident that can tell them what to do to make them feel comfortable. If you're in any sort of management position especially you need to come across as confident. If you don't people get scared.
In social settings/dates, etc... I just try to avoid the subject. Normal people don't like discussing risk appetite, IRR or anything else fun and they probably won't understand what you do anyways . They'll just assume anything to do with finance = financing Hell itself and you're the spawn of Satan. Be confident but don't talk about your achievements and try to keep them talking as much as possible. Use "you" over and over.
Definitely agree that it is situational.
I just feel like I have poisoned myself by reading too much about how finance used to be (confidence was key) and not really looking at what the industry has become (pussified).
I guess at points I try to be too personable and I end up just fucking myself.
The worst part? The people telling me this work in finance.
Definitely valid but it depends on who you're dealing with. Other A-players/achievers (sounds like you're one) love hearing about success but people that are not very accomplished tend to get offended. I made a conscious effort to completely eradicate anyone that falls into the later camp and I'm much happier. I recommend you do the same if you do end up running into little fucking morons that get upsetti spaghetti because you mentioned how happy you are whatever you were working on worked out well.
You cannot fake confidence. Likewise, you cannot fake humility.
Confidence is just about being still and immovable. If you're loud and obnoxious all the time, it's not confidence, it's foolheartedness.
You've said three distinct concepts here:
a) Confidence b) Risk c) Talking to others
I'm not going to go into the whole conversation about confidence and risk, as it doesn't seem to apply to this situation. I'm not sure why you stated risks, so will just drop it.
As far as talking to others, it sounds like you might be an insecure extrovert. I'd just focus more on listening to others and participating in active listening. Pay attention to the body language of others as when people don't want to hear you anymore, it should be evident.
People like to be heard. So when you are talking, you are taking this away from them. Give people affirmations and participate in their path in the conversation, rather than starting your own tangents. If you make a distinct shift in conversation, it better be good, or useful/funny. Some people do this, its not funny or useful, but quite odd and then this person misses all the body language of the people around him and yanks the conversation and kills the vibe without knowing it. Don't be that guy. Just work on restraining what you have to say and hold onto it rather than saying everything. It takes practice, but you'll get better with time.
I think you hit the nail on the head with the term insecure extrovert.
Probably the best advice I have ever seen on here. Much appreciated. Thank you.
Yeah, its not really a huge deal and the fact that you are looking at yourself objectively to improve for personal/professional reasons says a lot about you. That's really good.
A mantra in psychology says "to name it is to tame it." You've made an effort to identify ways you can make yourself better and the insecurity should drop if you work on it and find some of the reasons for it and how to overcome them. Sometimes insecurities and anxiety are related and I have to mention that keeping a good diet and intense workout routine will just flush the brain full of positive chemicals/endorphins to alleviate.
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