Happy Friday Everyone(god I hate that phrase)!!
Seeing how it is the end of the week I thought I would bring up a light topic, pooping at the office. It is something everyone does, but very few do correctly. Apparently everyone missed the memo where you are supposed to flush immediately after or during the period when you evacuate your bowels. This is called a courtesy flush, it is the most civilized manner that one can engage in our current culture, yet I sit next to many of you who just love to sit on top of their own shit for minutes at a time reading their phones and making the bathroom smell like the one scene from Slumdog Millionaire. I have had to hold back my own vomit because of the godawful stench that comes out of some of your asses.
Objections-
It wastes water - I don't care.
My poops don't smell - I don't care, also your mom lied to you.
We need more of this content on WSO. Too much of the "how do I break into IB as a college dropout????" We need lessons on how to have people not hate you in an office setting.
This dude at my last job would brush his teeth in the bathroom a few times a day. He was the whitest black dude ever named Keith. Funny thing is he ate almost exclusively junk food and candy. Wasn't even fat. Just had one of those scrawnie little bodies with a little gut that has been just taking steady, low-grade relentless punishment for years and years. Well, he's gonna die of a heart attack one day. He'll leave a gross body, but a fresh mouth.
You ever get a little mad at someone because they're taking too long to do some shit that doesn't affect you at all?
Story of my life. The geniuses at my job who can't figure out the fucking self-checkout register in the cafe and take 5 minutes to buy their god damned coffee are the worst, especially if I'm actually in line waiting to buy something. Anybody who makes me spend more time on something due to their lack of urgency makes me want to strangle them with the nearest AUX cable.
Want to know what's worse than not abiding by the courtesy flush norm? People who don't flush at all, and similarly people who don't wash their fucking hands. I'm on a trading floor and the kinds of barn animals that roam the halls would shock fucking anybody.
And seriously, what the fuck is it that people eat that makes their shit smell so fucking bad? Good Christ, our men's room should have one of those yellow-black toxic disposal warnings given how hot, humid, and downright disgusting it gets right around 1PM.
I would like to defend not washing the hands. Whenever possible, I enter and exit a public bathroom using my feet to open the door and avoid touching anything inside at all costs. I exit, victorious, bladder empty, having touched only my penis - which I would argue is cleaner than anything in there. This works for me because I do not pee on my hands. Only downside is people giving me dirty looks, which momentarily phases me, but then I just remind myself of the many ways in which I'm better than them and their opinions cease to matter.
You're an animal
You're an angry guy. I like that. Ever get a little upset because the guy in front of you took a right turn and you had to slow down by 10mph?
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