Dating Unwitting VDR Sales Reps Under the Guise of Biz Dev is Paradise

Hear me out, some of these chicks are HOT. And they're responsive too, really listen. So much more responsive than any woman without a pecuniary interest in me has been since I lost all my hair and stopped working out.

Listen to me, I'm not fucking around. I had a full-header this week. Monday it was Steph from Intralinks, lively Brunette, former LAX captain at Fairfield, that hot semi-hoarse athlete chick voice. We had a date in the Ramada Inn breakfast area at 9:00AM sharp, she was here visiting HQ from her parents house where she works remote, in CT. I called her at 8:00AM and placed my order: "Please, sweetheart, two hand-poured pancakes fresh off the grid-iron, grab me a few hard-boiled eggs and wrap them in towels to absorb the moisture while they wait for me, and a cup of mixed fruit please. But drizzle some vinegar atop so the fruit flies don't get to them before I do. Save it all in a doggy bag and have it waiting for me on the table when I arrive".

"Uhhh, okay", she responded, her spunky unflappable attitude briefly wavering. Then she quickly rebounded "But hey your free trial is ending tomorrow you know and I wanted to talk to you about some pricing plans that I think could..."

"That's okay, toots" I cut her off. The truth is, I don't even work in finance. I'm an unemployed incel who scowers the earth with a fake business card looking to trick unwitting non-target smokeshows into taking me on dates under the premise that I will purchase a VDR plan from them. I've got it all mapped out, the entire empire. It's all stacked up like a giant deck of cards. I'm currently in a 300 SF queens basement unit, sitting in a rusty bathtub that hides behind a curtain in the kitchen, leisurely blowing a cigar. I knew I'd be late, but she'll deal with it. She's all out of options. Got laid off from her role as an AE at Sales Force during the pandemic. Posted on LinkedIn profusely about how much she's learned traveling Europe since then. Clearly can't find a job, I figure. I took her name down, a future target. The day she made that LinkedIn post about joining Intralinks as a Sales Rep, I knew my time was nearing, but not yet. Let her aspirations die first. I wait for a pause in her LinkedIn posts - the first few weeks it was back to back HQ visits and endorsements from her team members. Slowly the endorsements stop trickling in. She's hit a wall. Market crashes, rates hit decade-highs. HQ bonding events get culled. She's fucking mine now.

Fast forward back to our breakfast date in the Newark Ramada Inn; she looks stunning. Wearing the exact outfit I told her to. Leather boots, leather pants, black Gucci belt with the gold emblem - I like leather. She's visibly uncomfortable in the white tube top I requested. Good, all according to the master plan. I told her it runs large and to order two sizes down. She clearly feels degraded, but she has no options, she needs this sale. I arrive in a three piece tux that I had Kara from Firmex provide me. Tomorrow is Kara's day to wine and dine me at the HQ, she's even more desperate than Steph, and has full access to the in-office tap room, but today is not her day. I'm wearing pitch black wrap around sunglasses, Lou Reed style. Steph gets up to shake my hand. "Sweetheart, please" I say. "The eggs, where are the eggs?" "Uhhh, I have them here but it's great to meet..."

"And the fruit cup?" I snap. "Uh, well that's here to. So Jimmy, I've been talking to my bosses and they told me I really need to finalize this..." I cut her off with the wave of a hand. "Pull my chair out" I command. She looks like she's going to cry. I say nothing and stare at her with contempt. She pulls my chair out. I sit down, letting out a huge exhale of relief, slowly and dramatically crossing my legs over one another, leaning back with my arm around the chair frame. I then take a cigar out and begin to light it. "Jimmy, no! What the fu.."

"Shhhhhhh, my dearest" I say, pressing my index finger to her sweet, sweet lips. "I move a lot of size, Steph, and I'm a man of faith. Trust is everything to me." At this point she's quivering in her seat. I'm king of the universe. I destroy the assortment of food, drink and condiments that she's laid out for me, never once stopping to ask her about her day. In between massive gulping, I tell her my whole life story, force-feeding her sickeningly sappy stories of my traumas, my trials, my tribulations, my sexual health, my vitality - she is powerless to stop me, she needs this sale. Finally, the clock hits 11:00AM, I've poured my heart out and ate until I've thrown up twice. Good to be king.

Finally, I stand up and let out a groan while holding my gut. "Jimmy, you aren't leaving are y..."

"Please, Steph. I run a tight ship. If I have room for you, you will here from me." As I walk out, I wave to the front desk clerk "Put it on her room" while I point back at Steph. She has tears in her eyes. I have just mansplained my entire life to her and given nothing in return. It is better than sex, it is my addiction, and I have missed it so. As I walk out of the revolving doors of that Newark Ramada in I flip open my matte black flip-phone and fully-extend the antenna. The crisp fall weather washes over me. I've got a call to make to Lola from Ansarada to finalize plans for this Wednesday at the Hilton East Brunswick. But first, I pause to smell the roses. "This", I tell myself aloud, "is paradise". 

The empire continues.