Feeling suicidal.

Hey man, it definitely sounds like your antidepressants arent working properly. I think it is time to check in with your psych and therapist. Associate in IB 2 summed it up nicely, making more money is not ultimately an end goal. 

The end goal should be to find balance, satisfaction and fulfillment. I think if you had a partner who loved you, a dog who was thrilled to see you every day, and the notion of being able to one day buy a home with your partner, your life would feel much better.

TBH, chasing money is something young men do before they see the bigger picture. 

I work on the buy side. The comp range is wider than you’d think (for better and worse). And the correlation between IQ and earnings isn’t as strong as you’d think either. Especially in a 15+ year bull market.

You need to divorce how you value yourself and others from the present value of their earnings. Talk to your therapist for sure and adjust your dosage. Find hobbies as well. If your job isn’t fulfilling try jumping ship and ask yourself what do you actually want in a job beyond earnings?

Tell your family about some of your feelings man. That’s what family is for, they’re the crutch that you lean on to pull you when you’re in dark moments like this one. It will all pass. All emotions are fleeting and you will find a renewed sense of life the longer you’re alive, good luck.

Hey hey I'm much older than you and been exactly where you at years ago. You're not alone and it all works out. Talk to your therapist, get close to loved ones / family/ friends or even people you share hobbies with. Watch this great documentary called 56 up, count your blessings. It'll work out

I think the others have said it better. I'll also say that money/career does not resolve your other troubles with family, friends, health, etc. Being well-adjusted and a good state of mind comes first. IB is not the end-all be-all but a nice thing to experience if people get the chance. It's like the lottery; we come to accept that we can't always change our circumstances if they are outside of our control. In this manner we find peace. Of course there is more to that

Del

More protein in your diet x

Del

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The others have made some great points, so I'll frame this a bit differently. 

The sum of your life is more than any one aspect, be it your hobbies, your career, your friends, and so forth. Your life cannot be centered purely around your professional career or purely around your romantic partner. Often when we see the dissonance of where we thought we would be (or should be) compared to where we are, we see the gaping chasm as two things: a reminder of our shortcomings and a welcoming abyss in our lowest moments. 

I think you need to zoom out a bit and take stalk of what you do have: your physical and mental health, family that support you, friends you can speak to, and all the time in the world to plan where you'll work for the next 30+ years. There's this great impatience among most folks to break into these illustratous careers, but all of those who've broken in will tell you that there are great moments and really difficult ones. And who knows? Maybe you break into investment banking and hate it deciding to leave within three months. Maybe you find work within the S&O world far more enjoyable or try something different entirely.  Life is rarely so formulaically laid out that we can map our career trajectories so neatly on a timeline, I would know, I remapped my own several times. 

Rather, you look to where you are today, find the areas in your life that give you energy. The hobbies you like (hiking, rock climbing, board games, video games, etc.), the social dinners and discussions with friends, creative pursuits, as well as where you can see yourself professionally growing. 

Often, with my mentees, I ask every one of them to do one thing: get out a piece of paper and write exactly how life would be a year from now from a realistic lens. When would you wake up? What would you eat? When would you begin work? What would you be doing? Would you take the dog for a walk? Would you meal prep that day or is it twice a week? Would you aim to work out after dinner? Be as specific as possible to see what careers are non-starters and what careers are an option from where you are now. 

An MBA can be a fantastic investment, a specialized Masters of Finance may also serve as a great solution (depending on your years of experience), and you can always network with folks in middle office positions and see what they'd advise. Would they recommend the CFA? Would they recommend boutique local firms? Would they recommend the MBA since the ROI is worth it? Perhaps. Maybe they'd advise you rotate internally into your firm's corporate development team or maybe they'd advise going to a FDD team within a botuqiue consulting shop. I don't know your skillset or experience, but any one of these may be the next path forward just as much as getting a boutique off-cycle IB offer. Our careers rarely go the way we plan and the more we tunnel our vision, the more we miss the oportunities adjacent to what we're chasing. 

tl;dr  - This turned out to be longer than I planned, but the gist remains: you are more than any one part of your life. 

IB is stressful af and you'll get pushed out sooner or later. PE nowadays pays below IB. HF is even more stressful and people blow up even quicker than in IB/PE.

Back office at a global rating agency is a good job - you have stability, low stress, predictable low hours, good pay. You're doing well.

Focus more on investing. Investing is the real way to wealth. Salary at some point brings less money than market returns.

What you need is an ABG (asian baby girl)

I know this might not have much weight coming from a stranger, but you are cared about and you have value. You don't need to be ultra-wealthy to have meaning in your life. I can personally tell you as someone who has worked in PE and been around very wealthy people, a lot of them are equally miserable, but they put on a facade and spend the money they have to feel better about themselves. I came from a poor family and went to a small local school in an area that most people wouldn't recognize and had many sleepless nights trying to apply to endless jobs without connections and I felt hopeless and depressed. I had graduated college with no job lined up and no hope. I got a job out of desperation because the hiring manager went to the same small school as me and vouched for me. That little act of kindness gave me a foot in the door to give me some semblance of hope. From there I kept leveraging my experiences, going on endless interviews, and taking some odd jobs along the way but got to where I had always thought was too big to dream of. I'm not saying all this to brag, but to genuinely say that I was in as dark of a place as I can remember, pretty similar to what it sounds like for you, and it wasn't a shiny, straight road to success, but a little hope and a lot of relentlessness can go a long way. Instead of shooting for PE right away, think about what the next step in your journey needs to be to get you 1 step closer to your dream. Accomplish that first step, and the second step doesn't seem that far away. Just don't lose hope and remember to look back every now-and-again to see just how many steps you've taken along the way to remind yourself how far you've come. I believe in you. 

This is going to be a different lense but seriously get your testosterone checked. The traditional Indian diet is terrible for male hormones and this causes low testosterone in the whole population. If your testosterone is in the gutter, your mental health follows it sharply.

Doesn’t hurt to test it. Anything below 300 ng/dl, I would start eating a western meat-focused diet first. If that doesn’t work, hop on testosterone replacement therapy.

Please follow up with what others have recommended above, looking into your physical/mental health, possibly different meds, talking to your therapist and work on trying to manage and potentially change some aspects of your perspective re: your "money obsessed brain."

While there's certainly nothing wrong with wanting to be successful and have substantial discretionary income, having that as a goal shouldn't be anyone's end-all/be-all.  Having more money doesn't necessarily make your life any easier or less complicated.

And please remember, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary situation.  I am probably at least twice your age and am going to play the cliche'd auntie: you are young and have your entire life ahead of you, extinguishing your light darkens the world for all of those that know and love you.