Let me sort out "depression" for you

Is anybody depressed, burnt out, or otherwise not fit for this industry? Cool, me neither. I see a lot of posts on here wailing about feeling sad or whatever but there is an easy solution to that: quit.

If you are about to whine about money, don't worry, there are plenty of ways to make it. You would be better off selling houses if you can't hack it here. Invest in a form fitting suit, move to Beverly Hills, and lie your face off. Soon you'll be making single commissions that rival your former yearly salary, and you'll have that added benefit of a tan. (Note: this won't work if you're fat)

If you're planning on sticking it out in finance, then here are a few ways you can deal with "depression" and bolster your position within the company as a tough ass. This will be easier for some than for others, but I promise there are enough mind altering substances in the world to make it possible for everyone.

There's Prozac, which can keep you from getting a hard on, but is virtually as necessary as blood for weaklings to make it in New York City, so get that into your system ASAP. There are other anti-depressants but with an intense schedule, you want something you don't have to take at the exact same time every day (no of course I'm not speaking from personal experience).

There's Adderall, which boosts your mood and your productivity, so you can feel good about your performance even when you're drawing penises instead of CAGR lines in the middle of the night.

As for non-chemical solutions, I guess you could try therapy, though you probably want to keep it on the extreme DL. On your first day, give your therapist a typed up list of everything that makes you sad, with little check boxes next to each thing. Tell him you're paying him to make you feel better about this list, and go through them one by one, week after week, until everything is checked off, then present him with a bottle of scotch and get the fuck out of there. You don't need to spend five years talking about your parents.

If you dread going into work every day, but you're still determined to do it, you better know how to bottle those feelings and transform them into unbridled enthusiasm. If you haven't already, buy a Shake Weight and write your boss's name on it with a Sharpie. Get 10 minutes of shaking and screaming in every morning, then take some deep breaths, and walk into the office ready to slap people on the back a little too hard.