Most ridiculous or funny jargon you've heard on the job?

We all know that financial professionals tend to use some bizarre jargon on calls and during meetings.

I'll start us off with some examples:

"Let's eat this elephant one bite at a time"

"When the proverbial fertilizer hits the windmill"

"Let's make sure to hit the alligator closest to the canoe here"

"This is moving like a greased hog through an anaconda"

"This thing is a complete roach motel"

"There are a million ways to stuff this goat, and I'm just holding the legs"

What have you all heard on the job? It has been a rough few weeks for some of us, so this might give people a few good laughs.

Comments (65)

May 25, 2022 - 7:26pm
Heartcore, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Very, very well said.

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May 26, 2022 - 11:26pm
GoingToBeAnMD, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Did he also want them in cornflower blue? 

*
May 25, 2022 - 4:20pm
Mountain_Monkey, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Energy lets you meet some interesting personalities...

"Well isn't this a fucking goat rodeo"

Operator: "Look I'll explain it to you simply since you're a numbers nerd, propane pools at the bottom of that big tank, something goes wrong, that goes boom, and the old scientist and control center operator are going to be fucking vaporized and you're going to be needing a new control center anyways"
Me: "I know the facility is old, but doesn't that logically seem like a fundamental design flaw?"
Operator: "I've worked here since the 19XX's, back then having only 50-100 things on site that could easily kill someone with a small mistake was fan-fucking-tastic safety design"

"Well we followed the standard start-up procedures and then the turbine just kinda fucked er' and disintegrated"

"Sometimes you just can't fix stupid"

"Honestly, we were really hoping when the fires came through they would have just burned the whole asset to the ground, that would have been the best outcome"

Will try to think of some more later. 

Note: Edited because this system hates square brackets

May 25, 2022 - 9:07pm
Pierogi Equities, what's your opinion? Comment below:

In a meeting I was in once one of the managers said "let's take this offline."

One of the analysts said "aren't we already offline, what is this?"

Quant (ˈkwänt) n: An expert, someone who knows more and more about less and less until they know everything about nothing.

  • 15
Jun 7, 2022 - 1:00pm
Pierogi Equities, what's your opinion? Comment below:

it took a lot of energy not to burst out laughing

Quant (ˈkwänt) n: An expert, someone who knows more and more about less and less until they know everything about nothing.

May 26, 2022 - 10:10am
slaveryisreal, what's your opinion? Comment below:

"You fucked the dog" - hardo VP

Will always remain ingrained in my brain because I did indeed fuck the dog on that one.

May 26, 2022 - 11:29pm
GoingToBeAnMD, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Yeah, I've heard "open kimono" too and I thought that was a really dicey one to say given today's day & age (I've heard it a couple times in large meetings). 

*
  • 1
May 27, 2022 - 9:23am
cloutape, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Lmao it's always the boomer MDs in early talking stages with a client that say shit like "let's get an NDA signed here so we can really open up the kimono/lift up the skirt/pull back the dress/etc."

So cringy

  • 3
May 27, 2022 - 9:28am
marketMergerMaddie, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Definitely heard a "Let's open the kimono on this one when we're ready to go" a couple of times. 

Fortunate to have avoided any "lift the skirt" ones though

GoingToBeAnMD KClubs Curious if "open kimono" is just a common one despite how dicey it is. Nobody seems to bat an eye when I'm in a meeting when saying it.

May 27, 2022 - 3:06pm
GoingToBeAnMD, what's your opinion? Comment below:

This isn't one of those things that bites you in the meeting. It bites you when HR calls you in for a talk. 

*
May 27, 2022 - 4:16pm
Dick_Whitman333, what's your opinion? Comment below:

It surprises me how this phrase remains relatively common specifically in finance…I'm no PC freak but it's funny to me how it just seems so blatantly offensive. Have even heard this used as an adjective- "we're trying to be as open-kimono as possible with you guys here" lol

May 27, 2022 - 4:48pm
Lawrence3, what's your opinion? Comment below:

It's really only offensive if you choose to look at it that way. Otherwise, it's just creative phrasing and I appreciate that shake up in the grey that corporate America can be sometimes

May 28, 2022 - 8:53pm
DuckFold, what's your opinion? Comment below:
we're trying to be as open-kimono as possible with you guys here

Lmao

What’s past is past and can’t be undone. It has led to the circumstances we now face. All we can do is recognize our circumstances for what they are and make the best decisions we can, “given the givens.” - Howard Marks

May 26, 2022 - 1:56pm
Jerome Powell, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Context: oil and gas construction, guy explaining how two thermocouples were installed in the wrong place causing a cooling fan to run till it burns out:

"so meanwhile, the wrong thermocouple is passing temperature along, so 24x7 the fans just given 'er the onion"

me: "giving her the onion?"

guy: "ya you know, giving 'er the onion. Like when you fuck a chick so hard she cries." 

  • 18
May 26, 2022 - 2:04pm
Isaiah_53_5 💎🙌💎🙌💎, what's your opinion? Comment below:

"Do you have the bandwidth to work on this project?"

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

May 28, 2022 - 10:25am
BigKahunaBanker, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Some of that stuff is seriously grim, hot damn.

...and the Truth shall set you free
May 27, 2022 - 12:37am
WillHunting, what's your opinion? Comment below:

"I don't want to be a dog in heat in a room with a bunch of women wearing skirts"

Few players recall big pots they have won, strange as it seems, but every player can remember with remarkable accuracy the outstanding tough beats of his career.
May 27, 2022 - 9:19am
cloutape, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Too many sports idioms.

"Let's pound this one over the goal line"

"This business segment is our free throw shooter, very reliable"

"We need to get our three point shooter in the game so we can start generating some meaningful EBITDA"

"We don't want to get stuffed at the line here"

"This is a birdie putt - let's finish this one off"

"Let's take this one to the hoop"

  • 1
May 27, 2022 - 10:22am
ex-Detroiter, what's your opinion? Comment below:

"Wallet Biopsy"…checking the patient's insurance before deciding course of treatment."

Granny Farm"- old persons' residential home, run by a Granny Farmer

LFTWM - Looking for 3 Wise Men (applied to young pregnant females who deny having had intercourse)

Pharmaceutically Gifted - admissions with altered mental states as a result of drug use

Pucker Factor - the degree/speed of constriction of the surgeon's anal sphincter is directly proportional to the patient's risk of sudden death

RPVI - Relative Porsche Value Unit: surgical index of potential income from the repair of patient injuries, usually orthopaedic in nature. Fractured finger = a windscreen wiper; a fractured hip = new tyres etc.

Scumdex - 1 pt for every tattoo, extra piercing, IVDU scar, etc. The higher the scumdex, the greater the likelihood of survival. See also TTI

UBI - Unexplained Beer Injury

UDI - Unidentified Drinking Injury

May 30, 2022 - 6:09am
Cannabis Equipment Financing, what's your opinion? Comment below:

I talk a lot about the words and phrases that professional, successful people say every day. For more fun Canadian Facts check out - Most people think Canadians speak a lot like our American neighbours, but the truth is, we're a little weird up here. 

Cannabis Equipment Financing refers to a loan used to purchase business-related equipment, such as a restaurant oven, vehicle or copy machine. Our HEF Finance will work to get you a quick approval on virtually any type of Cannabis Equipment Financing equipment. They will then find the payment option that's best for you.
  • 1
Jun 3, 2022 - 1:48pm
BMOBoy, what's your opinion? Comment below:

You can put kittens in an oven, but that don't make them biscuits 

Jun 3, 2022 - 11:17pm
Subhro-Sengupta, what's your opinion? Comment below:

This one I was told at an interview - asked interviewer why he chose to join VC.

"Well after spending 5 years in consulting it was a choice between teaching dinosaurs to dance or flying with the falcons…..

I chose to fly with the falcons…"

Jun 7, 2022 - 5:42am
PeepeeFinancePoopoo, what's your opinion? Comment below:

I've had a colleague in S&T unironically say "let's make like bread and 'roll' this out" over the phone. Surprised he got that deal through.

Life is a road... and I love creating potholes
Jun 7, 2022 - 10:05am
Mr.Robot, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Nostrum est rerum et sint ipsa consequatur. Amet repellat ipsum dolorem asperiores officiis iusto nisi. Ea doloribus sit sint eius.

Odit deserunt ea dolorem voluptates ut quaerat voluptates. Hic ut enim exercitationem consequuntur tenetur veritatis. Consectetur voluptatem fugiat exercitationem qui impedit neque tempora. Similique recusandae quasi facere asperiores quas. Provident est nihil quae.

Jun 7, 2022 - 2:21pm
CrazyHorseShakira, what's your opinion? Comment below:

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Laboriosam illum molestiae nisi in porro. Enim repellat error non quibusdam deserunt et veniam. Corrupti cupiditate ipsum labore eum expedita. Ratione illo repellat veniam rerum.

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