We all know that financial professionals tend to use some bizarre jargon on calls and during meetings.
I'll start us off with some examples:
"Let's eat this elephant one bite at a time"
"When the proverbial fertilizer hits the windmill"
"Let's make sure to hit the alligator closest to the canoe here"
"This is moving like a greased hog through an anaconda"
"This thing is a complete roach motel"
"There are a million ways to stuff this goat, and I'm just holding the legs"
What have you all heard on the job? It has been a rough few weeks for some of us, so this might give people a few good laughs.
We need to return to office for better collaboration
BWAHAHAHAHA Good one
Earnings missed estimates. No, estimates missed earnings. Finance is the only profession where they blame their poor forecasting skills on reality.
Very, very well said.
Inspiration from Tobi?
Earnings "estimates" aren't really estimates they are targets. Equity research analysts are a channel for management to get their projections out there in the market, this is not a forecasting exercise.
Take a joke, buddy. I can tell you gave me the ms
If one analyst is wrong, he’s the idiot.
If every analyst gets it wrong, the company is run by morons.
“I think we’ve found our North Star”
“Can we make the boxes rounder”
He, in fact, did want me to make the boxes rounder. It was for a deck, and the boxes now are smooth on the corners
Did he also want them in cornflower blue?
Energy lets you meet some interesting personalities...
"Well isn't this a fucking goat rodeo"
Operator: "Look I'll explain it to you simply since you're a numbers nerd, propane pools at the bottom of that big tank, something goes wrong, that goes boom, and the old scientist and control center operator are going to be fucking vaporized and you're going to be needing a new control center anyways"
Me: "I know the facility is old, but doesn't that logically seem like a fundamental design flaw?"
Operator: "I've worked here since the 19XX's, back then having only 50-100 things on site that could easily kill someone with a small mistake was fan-fucking-tastic safety design"
"Well we followed the standard start-up procedures and then the turbine just kinda fucked er' and disintegrated"
"Sometimes you just can't fix stupid"
"Honestly, we were really hoping when the fires came through they would have just burned the whole asset to the ground, that would have been the best outcome"
Will try to think of some more later.
Note: Edited because this system hates square brackets
O&G banker here. Can confirm that energy has some of the most fantastic personalities in the industry.
"Fucked er large bud."
"Let's take about 10% off there super-chief."
"Well they can't all be first round picks." (talking about women)
You're just quoting Letterkenney.
In a meeting I was in once one of the managers said "let's take this offline."
One of the analysts said "aren't we already offline, what is this?"
hahahaha. i mean, he's not wrong
it took a lot of energy not to burst out laughing
“Mental gymnastics Olympian” and other variations of mental gymnastics + Olympics
And of course the timeless: “Don’t do that again”
Bringing up a topic we tabled a couple weeks ago:"Not to dig up the corpse, but…"Talking about tailoring analysis for a client:"Let's get to the build-a-bear part"
I wish my company was as blunt as this lol!! I don't know why but this one literally made me laugh uncontrollably
“You fucked the dog” - hardo VP
Will always remain ingrained in my brain because I did indeed fuck the dog on that one.
lmao what did you do?
Boss told him to ‘walk the dog’ but he misheard it as ‘fuck the dog’
2min and one traumatized pooch later…
Lets put some lipstick on this pig before the show
Lets not open the kimono too quickly here
Time to lift up the skirt and see what's beneath
Ton of old dudes in real estate and construction so I have ample supply
Yeah, I've heard "open kimono" too and I thought that was a really dicey one to say given today's day & age (I've heard it a couple times in large meetings).
Lmao it’s always the boomer MDs in early talking stages with a client that say shit like “let’s get an NDA signed here so we can really open up the kimono/lift up the skirt/pull back the dress/etc.”
So cringy
Definitely heard a "Let's open the kimono on this one when we're ready to go" a couple of times.
Fortunate to have avoided any "lift the skirt" ones though
GoingToBeAnMD KClubs Curious if "open kimono" is just a common one despite how dicey it is. Nobody seems to bat an eye when I'm in a meeting when saying it.
This isn't one of those things that bites you in the meeting. It bites you when HR calls you in for a talk.
It surprises me how this phrase remains relatively common specifically in finance…I’m no PC freak but it’s funny to me how it just seems so blatantly offensive. Have even heard this used as an adjective— “we’re trying to be as open-kimono as possible with you guys here” lol
It’s really only offensive if you choose to look at it that way. Otherwise, it’s just creative phrasing and I appreciate that shake up in the grey that corporate America can be sometimes
Lmao
Context: oil and gas construction, guy explaining how two thermocouples were installed in the wrong place causing a cooling fan to run till it burns out:
”so meanwhile, the wrong thermocouple is passing temperature along, so 24x7 the fans just given ‘er the onion”
me: “giving her the onion?”
guy: “ya you know, giving ‘er the onion. Like when you fuck a chick so hard she cries.”
“Do you have the bandwidth to work on this project?”
Medical slang is fun:
http://messybeast.com/dragonqueen/medical-acronyms.htm
Some of that stuff is seriously grim, hot damn.
"I don't want to be a dog in heat in a room with a bunch of women wearing skirts"
On a couple of occasions, mainly for internal deliverables, I've put PIOOTA as a source for information and numbers. It stands for pulled it out of thin air. No one bats an eye when they see it on a footnote.
lol nice
If my grandmother had wheels she would have been a bike.
Originally taken from Gino D'Acampo but thrown around the office at least once a week.
Too many sports idioms.
“Let’s pound this one over the goal line”
“This business segment is our free throw shooter, very reliable”
“We need to get our three point shooter in the game so we can start generating some meaningful EBITDA”
“We don’t want to get stuffed at the line here”
“This is a birdie putt - let’s finish this one off”
“Let’s take this one to the hoop”
"Wallet Biopsy"…checking the patient's insurance before deciding course of treatment."
Granny Farm"- old persons' residential home, run by a Granny Farmer
LFTWM - Looking for 3 Wise Men (applied to young pregnant females who deny having had intercourse)
Pharmaceutically Gifted - admissions with altered mental states as a result of drug use
Pucker Factor - the degree/speed of constriction of the surgeon's anal sphincter is directly proportional to the patient's risk of sudden death
RPVI - Relative Porsche Value Unit: surgical index of potential income from the repair of patient injuries, usually orthopaedic in nature. Fractured finger = a windscreen wiper; a fractured hip = new tyres etc.
Scumdex - 1 pt for every tattoo, extra piercing, IVDU scar, etc. The higher the scumdex, the greater the likelihood of survival. See also TTI
UBI - Unexplained Beer Injury
UDI - Unidentified Drinking Injury
Senior MD once said on an internal call (about a new, large US buy-side opportunity): Folks, I brought the horse to the pond. Now you just need to make sure the water is fucking good.
nice way to put it
I saw a version of this one on here a few years ago as "you're the one fucking this cat, I'm just holding the tail." Definitely gave me a stupid laugh.
This one made me laugh
“What’s your plan this weekend?” - fucking staffer
Yeah, that’s a trap
Deal flow out the wahoo
“This is where the rubber really meets the road”
"You got her panties off but haven't fucked her"
"Lets get them a little bit pregnant with the idea"
"Don't teach your father how to fuck, son" (Context, intern / analyst explains basic / obvious concept to someone senior)
I talk a lot about the words and phrases that professional, successful people say every day. For more fun Canadian Facts check out — Most people think Canadians speak a lot like our American neighbours, but the truth is, we're a little weird up here.
“Well let’s see if there’s a pony under this pile of shit”
You can put kittens in an oven, but that don’t make them biscuits
This one I was told at an interview - asked interviewer why he chose to join VC.
”Well after spending 5 years in consulting it was a choice between teaching dinosaurs to dance or flying with the falcons…..
I chose to fly with the falcons…”
I've had a colleague in S&T unironically say "let's make like bread and 'roll' this out" over the phone. Surprised he got that deal through.
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