Serious advice needed.
Currently undergrad on the path to investment banking. I have the internships, the gpa, etc. There is however one thing that I am scared shitless of, myself. I have come to realize lately that I am bipolar. I get these episodes of extreme optimism like I want to conquer the fucking world and become president, and then these episodes of suicidal depression, anxiety, and depersonalization (this one is the worst). I have no clue how I have made it so fucking far in terms of academics and finance. The worst part is that my depression is triggered by the slightest feeling of stress in my environment, I fall into this pit and my brain goes numb - I can't use excel, remember to eat, or do other very simple tasks. I used to get real panic attacks almost everyday at my boutique internship... I seriously have no clue how I have suffered so much and still stuck it out, but I am starting to think coming this far might have taken a psychological toll on me. I don't know if I can even manage banking being the way I am, especially pulling 100 hour weeks and doing stressful work. I absolutely hate having these episodes and I feel both myself and others have high expectations for me and it is all on the brink of completely falling apart because of my extreme episodes of depression, anxiety, stress.. I don't even know what I will do if I get a full time offer and a few months in get fired for being paralyzed to work - something I think might very likely happen. This stuff isn't limited to banking either, it happens with me in general.
Some of this shit like depersonalization is honestly the most confusing and painful thing ever, its almost not describable. I wouldn't wish it on anybody. Like sometimes I forget where the fuck I am and start looking around like where the fuck am I or what the fuck is my name? Like kind of a matrix. Don't judge my by the tone of this article, currently in a stable state as I write this.
Also this depression stuff isn't new, just hasn't been this bad. Depersonalization is new, I feel like it comes around every time I think about the concept itself. Sorry if I mess up your mood with my shitty post.