When is it justified to cut off a parent? Need advice.
Unfortunately considering this right now. First year EB banker (yes this is totally relevant and not just a flex) who just graduated. Been putting this decision off for a while. Here's the background.
When I was 9, a family tragedy occurred that messed up my family. Dad, a middle class professional, became an alcoholic, cheater, and a not-very-nice human being. He completely ruined and abuse me mentally, and probably my mom as well. I can confidently say that every major negative trait that I have as a person comes to me from him, and this is not an exaggeration. It was extreme levels of verbal and mental abuse which left me with no self-esteem, happiness, hobbies, confidence, or friends, entering HS. To this day, I have never received an apology from him for ANYTHING at all. I don't know if he is too clueless to realize what he did and said to me or he is too ashamed to apologize, I assume it is a little bit of both. He hasn't really changed either. It is just that I used to be a captive in a household with him so I experienced more abuse. Now, we interact rarely so it is a bit better, but he is still a terrible, toxic individual. I don't want to get into what he did specifically so I'm asking you guys to take my word on the abuse that actually occurred. All of this says that I should cut him off though, right?
Well, here's the dilemma. I still have reason to be grateful to him. For one, I immigrated to the U.S. with him when I was a toddler. His pursuits were the reason for this and if it hadn't happened, I would still be stuck in a 3rd world shithole (as he reminds me constantly). He also emphasized, mostly in a very toxic manner, some of the things about life that are important. Working hard, studying for school, etc. He is relatively generous financially. He paid 15k/year for 4 years of school at a top 10 school (I am an only child). However, money was never the issue for me. It is clear regardless that he doesn't give a shit about me. I think him paying for college was more in the narcissistic hopes of "I paid for college. I must be a good father. Now that I'm a good father I don't need to interact with my child at all!" which is a good summary of what all his financial treatment of me has felt like. It was never about the money to me. It was more about are you willing to engage with me, show even a modicum of interest in my hobbies; friends; life, spend time with me, be a nice person to me, and the answer to all those questions is a resounding NO. Furthermore, I grew up without grandparents on his side as he cut off his own family and father as well so I saw what that was like. He was justified in doing so but I'm sure there is some sort of psychological explanation for the chain of father-son abuse.
Now that I'm out of college and not being financially supported by him, would it be fair to cut him off? A portion of this is about my contributing to him financially when he retires. I know roughly how much he is worth. I don't think he will have enough to retire. I will 100% unconditionally financially support my divorced mother who has had a very difficult life, mostly because of him. But quite frankly I don't think he deserves it. I wish I could say otherwise. I am not greedy about money. I WANT to financially support him and have an actual relationship with him. But I can't reward bad behavior. Not after all the pain he has caused me. On the other hand, I feel guilty about cutting someone off after having them pay for your college, but I would have gladly traded $60k for an actual fucking father figure. Maybe that just shows my privilege.
Am I justified in cutting him off? Is it bad to do so after having them pay a little bit for college? Personally I operate under the belief that your kid is your number 1 responsibility, ahead of your partner, spouse, job, and family. Part of that is supporting your kid (especially an only child) with education to the best of your abilities. But he has just disappointed, neglecting me at every turn. I've given him so many chances and he continues to disappoint me at every turn. Frankly, I just keep getting hurt over and over. What do I do.
Also, yes, I am planning on finding a therapist soon.