Being a Male is Paradise

(Based on real stories)

It’s a frosty Thursday morning at MF Private Equity, where we’re apparently reinventing the concept of diversity by making it… not diverse at all. I’ve got another resume from a guy who looks like he was genetically engineered for high finance: Alex, a walking finance trophy case. He’s got the holy trinity—Goldman TMT, Harvard MBA, and a LinkedIn photo that practically screams I was born in a suit.

But we all know what’s about to happen here. I send his resume over to Stephanie, our VP who is in charge of Recruiting, whose LinkedIn bio includes the line “passionate about redefining workplace culture.” Within minutes, her reply pops up: “Wow, strong background! But we’re looking for a slightly different candidate profile…” Translation: Sorry, Alex, we’re only taking applicants from the Women in Finance club and a strong background in yoga retreats.

It’s become a running joke in the office. The past four hires? All women. They’re basically collecting a squad over here—pretty soon, they’re going to have enough for a synchronized swimming team, matching MF-branded swim caps and all. If you’re a guy with a Goldman bullet point, good luck. You’d have a better shot listing “holistic wellness influencer” under your work experience.

At this point, we’ve seen every “power finance bro” resume get ghosted so fast, it’s like watching a high-speed round of Finance Tinder. Swipe left on every guy with “private equity” in his LinkedIn headline. Meanwhile, we just hired another analyst whose previous experience includes “co-hosting a workshop on self-compassion in the workplace.” You love to see it.

After Alex gets the inevitable “we’re moving in a different direction” email, he texts me: “What the heck, man? Thought I nailed it!” I want to tell him that unless he’s secretly a fan of Oprah’s Super Soul Sundays, he’s doomed. But I just reply, “Maybe list 'female empowerment advocate' under hobbies next time.”