Desperate Monkey Reaching out for life raft
Hello WSO community, I've never posted on online forums for advice but don't have anyone to turn to about my predicament and truly in dire need of help. A bit about me... I've kept my mental illness (bipolar 1, ADHD, and mixture of learning disabilities) a secret my whole life and found workarounds to excel in academics and internships until this point. I have never been able to process new information, read, learn, multi task, and concentrate in public spaces which makes working and learning on a trading floor a never ending nightmare.
All through my life in school, I failed to process any new knowledge in the classroom and would spend weekends and holidays getting ahead before falling behind in class. I outworked all my piers and scarified much of my childhood to graduate valedictorian of my class, taking 10 APs . Prior to college, my family had a team of 5 tutors that also helped me play catchup every week. Got into top 20 university from nontarget city and applied to 200+ financial institutions and luckily received an internship offer in S&T at prominent MM. Working remotely in a calm quiet environment from home during the pandemic, I was able to hide my learning disability and outwork my piers in competitive internship by loading up on Adderall and working 110 hours each week for 2 months. Ultimately I received a return offer to a full time S&T rotational program . I would write everything down in training calls and review and review until I had it down pat next time I spoke with senior coworkers. Now I am in the office on the trading floor as an analyst and find myself in a coma every day after work from the constant pings from the terminal, flashing tv screens, a convoluted mixture of shouts, pranks and antics, and serious client pitches around me. By the end of the day, I have no energy to learn and review all the topics i misunderstood. The solution i found in college and my virtual internship, boosting up on stimulants, worked in a stable environment, but on the trading floor ... causes sensory overload and makes me incredibly anxious.
In this environment I constantly make careless mistakes and unable to comprehend complex detailed information. Everyday I am booking trades incorrectly, constantly making careless errors in assignments, and burdening my coworkers with repetitive questions unable to grasp simple concepts. Concepts that would take other analysts 10 minutes to comprehend has taken me weeks in this environment. I feel like i'm within a terrible inside joke. I keep up a good attitude, stay optimistic, and don't get discouraged. When people ask me how I am doing, I continue to give my desk glowing reviews and they continue to do the same for me as well but not sure how much longer this game of fake it until you make it can go on. Unable to add value to my team with very low ROI ,my self confidence has diminished to a pulp.
I have kept my mental illness secret from friends colleagues and HR , but unsure if I can keep secret any longer. I'm on the verge of collapse and afraid of an episode emerging from the stress. If I share what I'm going through with HR or colleagues, I run the risk of being ostracized from piers and discriminated against potentially shuffled toor on chopping block to be fired until I give them a suitable reason. I've thought about trying to make a move internally to IB bc environment may be more conducive being quiet and structured in a less triggering of an atmosphere but seems to be a hard to pitch considering I'm not excelling at my current role and considered an exit opportunity. I've thought of all routes I could take but am stuck indecisive. What should I do? Should I share my reality but not mental health? or both? non at all and rough it out? I feel like everyone notices that I'm struggling but won't be real with me.
How do you manage mental illness in the office space and still excel at a high level? Do you have any stories of friends or family that have navigated through similar circumstances?
Plz help. Any mental health resources & advice greatly appreciated. I am desperate
347 470 1344