And before you send this to me, make sure to take a step back, get your arms around it, not miss the forest for the trees, and check under the hood - it better hold water
Keep in mind I am in no way wed to this analysis, but this is a two-horse race, and we can't afford to have our heads in the tent. There is no need to recreate the wheel here, but this will be a great learning experience. Let's discuss when you get in.
To get a little more granular here before we press the print button, let's touch base now. (I'll be out of pocket later, so swing by while I'm on the ground.)
Right now, the two companies are feeling less than romantic, but remember, all girls talk. I think they'll eventually give up more than a girl on prom night - our job is to get them across the finish line
Before you sign off, let's not lose sight of the big picture. What's driving all of this is that we could put all the buyers in a Civic and still have spare seats.
Need to personally create a few more original cliches. I want to be that douche in 10 years when there are younger bankers saying "remember that dumbfuck who kept saying 'let's get more cheese on this macaroni?' What did that even mean??"
Can you just drop this in? - Powerpoint wedge or updated financials
The Leader / The Leading blah blah blah - Every bank or company description, ever
Provide some color - Why do you have to bring color into this?
Guys can we run these 1,768,432 scenarios - Real quick?
High level - But I already know you'll want detail later
Skin in the game - You have no skin in the game, it's zero skin off your back if I pull an all-nighter
Fiduciary duties - Old men covering their assets
Relevant to… - Please limit use to 3 times for every 20 slides, for all of us
Ankle biter - Small bank, dog or client
Dead cat bounce - Deals that are dead, but keep bouncing as if they aren't quite dead yet
Do some digging - Dig you badgers, I mean analysts
Nacent - Because nothing else conveys to me that you're trying to sound smarter than you actually are
Incumbent - Same
Defensive mote - Same
Strategic alternatives - Are there any alternatives that aren't strategic?
S-Y-N-E-R-G-I-E-S - All the synergies, synergies for days
BSD - Ask your dad or your senior what this means; if you have to ask, you don't have it
Circle the wagons - You likely have zero pioneer heritage
Put our heads together - I'd rather not
Take it to the next level - It's easy when you start at zero
Fully utilized - See point 35 because you are a machine, not a person
Tee it up - You likely suck at golf, like the majority of us
Circle back - You don't hunt or hike, nor are you a member of the military
Value add - Doubtful
Piggy back - Awkward
I'm Cranking / I'm Jamming - Another self-imposed fire drill huh? Calm down champ you have 12 hours to do this
Caveat - CYA all day every day
What WE need to do is ... Why don't WE ... And of course Mr. Client, even if you don't need us to, WE will work through the night to get this to you first thing in the morning because you'll give us browning points and hire us - We being you…the analyst/associate
We'll bird dog this on our side - You've never hunted and don't even know what this means
Can't you just refresh the numbers? - It's just F9 right?
We'll push hard to get this one over the goal line - You've never played football
Had an interesting conversation with [insert BS pipeline opportunity with zero chance of success] - Every pipeline update call, ever
Definitely a sprint to the finish - You haven't ran in years, clearly
"You are just a graphic designer with basic arithmetic skills - don't forget it." - Best senior banker troll to an analyst? Possibly.
Bandwidth - Do you have it? Does he/she have it? Not sure who has it
As we go through this exercise - What is this? A military drill? Team building camp?
Going forward - As opposed to going backward?
Revert back - I too like to use redundant things for emphasis, like dumberer
"Could you peruse this real quick?" - You keep using that word. I don't think it means what you think it means
pe-ruse
pəˈro͞oz
verb formal
read (something), typically in a thorough or careful way.
"He has spent countless hours in libraries perusing art history books and catalogs"
To examine carefully or at length
"You just need more reps." - Only the incompetent, least value add bankers on the teams say this. You know, the type that gets promoted based on tenure instead of ability ;)
I know we have an internal list somewhere of things senior bankers say, this is only a taste.
This might be an unpopular opinion, but finance/consulting without using any of these terms would be even more boring than it already is. Be careful what you wish for.
At my old shop, we used to have a list with points associated with each one. The goal was to see who could rack up the most points in a single phrase and then in aggregate on calls.
If you can't beat them, join them... I should throw at lease one phrase into the ring: TBU used as all parts of speech. "Could you please TBU these TBU Sections? Bracket them TBU as they are still very TBU. thx" I'm starting to sexually identify as tbu.
Wow, it feels like everyone works in my office after reading these. My favorite:
"Please swing by"
"Few nits"
"Couple tweaks"
"Can you ping coverage"
"We'll run it up our chain and get back to you"
"Is this done?"
"Guys this needs a lot of work"
"Please refresh and circulate to the larger team"
"I know you think you understand what you thought I said but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."
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How could I forgot -- most important word in banking: "Illustrative"
ill-luhhhh-struhhhhh-tiv
Sharpen our pencils.
We need to give them a peak under the kimono/skirt.
We have the steak, but need the sizzle.
Guys, we're going pencils down.
Where are we going to be when the music stops?
Ya...you think you can massage these numbers a bit?
We just need a 30,000 foot view [this is always followed by "we need more detail"]
These numbers are really what is giving me heartburn.
I'm going to be out of pocket for a few minutes.
I'm heading home, but I'll be back online in an hour.
We just have too many balls in the air.
They really wanted a turn on the CIM today, but I gave them the Heisman.
I haven't been able to reach Bob by cell. He must be in motion.
You sure these numbers are right? See if you can scrub them a bit.
We just need you to get your blocking and tackling down.
I don't need this PIB printed out, but it'd be great if you could PDF it so that I have it in my back pocket.
I'm not trying to make sausage, but we just need to get some color on this topic.
I'm not trying to pull an all-nighter, but we need to get smart on this topic.
Sil Love this list:
My top picks: 1. I don't need this PIB printed out, but it'd be great if you could PDF it so I have it in my back pocket. 2. Going pencils down.
Number 10 is my associates go to...never gets back online though
As an intern, I got "Don't make this a Saturday thing; just get it in by Sunday morning" a lot on Friday nights.
You got 'pls' but you're missing 'Thx'
This is a slam dunk
We'd do this deal all day long
I'm quarterbacking this
I wouldn't bet my bonus on it
Juniors, get me coffee
*5 really isn't one, but it is said sometimes lol
"Folks"
"Shouldn't take too long"
"Send the dial in"
"Where are you"
"Let's get a turn of this.."
"Is this complete"
This is a classic:
Might induce PTSD.
"Let's get this ball rolling"
"I need you guys to do a deep dive on this project, later on we circle back and do a post mortem for QA"
"Come on boys it's not rocket science...but you guys can sophisticate this model here a lil bit"
Exhaustive list: http://www.wallstreetoasis.com/forums/hilarious-barclays-goodbye-email
Favorites:
And before you send this to me, make sure to take a step back, get your arms around it, not miss the forest for the trees, and check under the hood - it better hold water
Keep in mind I am in no way wed to this analysis, but this is a two-horse race, and we can't afford to have our heads in the tent. There is no need to recreate the wheel here, but this will be a great learning experience. Let's discuss when you get in.
To get a little more granular here before we press the print button, let's touch base now. (I'll be out of pocket later, so swing by while I'm on the ground.)
Right now, the two companies are feeling less than romantic, but remember, all girls talk. I think they'll eventually give up more than a girl on prom night - our job is to get them across the finish line
Before you sign off, let's not lose sight of the big picture. What's driving all of this is that we could put all the buyers in a Civic and still have spare seats.
This has to be one guy. I love the Honda one
"this is a good comp set"
"No need to recreate the wheel"
"tick and tie"
"just a few nits"
"no rush just get this to me by tomorrow"
relevant good read http://www.wallstreetoasis.com/forums/banker-cliches
wasn't there another one more recent? I remember this, and every time I read them I crack up
yeah i think there was, only one i could find in 5 seconds of searching
I was certain this had been done before.
Need to personally create a few more original cliches. I want to be that douche in 10 years when there are younger bankers saying "remember that dumbfuck who kept saying 'let's get more cheese on this macaroni?' What did that even mean??"
This comment deserves more bananas
pe-ruse pəˈro͞oz verb formal read (something), typically in a thorough or careful way. "He has spent countless hours in libraries perusing art history books and catalogs" To examine carefully or at length
I know we have an internal list somewhere of things senior bankers say, this is only a taste.
I like the commentary associated with each.
Seriously amazing
This might be an unpopular opinion, but finance/consulting without using any of these terms would be even more boring than it already is. Be careful what you wish for.
At my old shop, we used to have a list with points associated with each one. The goal was to see who could rack up the most points in a single phrase and then in aggregate on calls.
If you can't beat them, join them... I should throw at lease one phrase into the ring: TBU used as all parts of speech. "Could you please TBU these TBU Sections? Bracket them TBU as they are still very TBU. thx" I'm starting to sexually identify as tbu.
"Threatening to Quit."
Un-fuck these slides
From my office
1) We need to do threadbare analysis
2) This slide has no soul
3) This slide is too cluttered/let the slide breathe
4) Why don't you take a first crack at the deck?
5) To the client: We will digest this information and get back to you
From every RM ever, "This thing cash flows like a rock star"*
*spoiler alert-it does not.
"This isn't in our font."
"Fix the font size, I can't read anything in this font."
"Let's lower the font size and up the spacing, I can't read this wall of text."
"Are you sure this is the right font? It looks like Calibri to me."
"Hmm, maybe if we bold it then it will look bigger?"
"This looks weird."
An old favorite --
This deal/transaction has some hair on it.
"this is market"
"I need you to get granular"
"Too many cooks in the kitchen."
"Significant" (adj.)--
When there's nothing there beyond the commonplace / pedestrian / obvious, but we can't say that so let's call it significant.
When there's an interesting trend here, but I'm not a good enough MD to recognize what it is, so I'll just call it significant.
Often appended with may be; close cousin of meaningful
we have a lot of wood to chop
"Turn around and bend over"
I forgot one:
"I'm not married to the idea, but..."
So, the MD says this, you change the pie chart or graph, and then the MD ends up insisting on his/her original idea anyway. Love it!
"What are you a girl or somethin?"
Wow, it feels like everyone works in my office after reading these. My favorite:
"Please swing by" "Few nits" "Couple tweaks" "Can you ping coverage" "We'll run it up our chain and get back to you" "Is this done?" "Guys this needs a lot of work" "Please refresh and circulate to the larger team"
Please refresh and circulate - classic
"This needs a lot of work" can be painful to get
"Fireside chat"
lolololol
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Dolor iusto cum maxime illum quo et qui dicta. Labore nihil magni totam placeat. Et maxime ea est magni sint aut. Qui et occaecati sit fuga quia. Dolorem tempora molestias in vitae tempora. Amet quod minus quisquam repellat qui a ut omnis. Esse cupiditate deserunt sed sit quae consequatur aut.
Vel totam natus quam. Ut enim qui quisquam qui pariatur dolorum velit. Est in veritatis est debitis cumque.
Cumque quibusdam odit accusamus atque et. Iure eum omnis alias et illum temporibus dolorem. Tenetur debitis minima ullam saepe et accusamus exercitationem in. Velit saepe consequatur libero sed odit animi qui officia. Velit aspernatur quo veritatis officiis consequatur.
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Doloribus voluptas est mollitia. Laborum quos dignissimos possimus labore. Ducimus aut quas consectetur consequatur eligendi. Nulla quaerat odio facere cupiditate consectetur cum reiciendis non. Qui quia quia accusantium voluptatum occaecati numquam fuga. Sint et aut rem. Nihil illo in tenetur provident explicabo.
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Provident rerum incidunt dolorum deserunt. Minima repellendus qui ipsa qui. Numquam aut cupiditate officiis ut vel.
Dolores qui quas dolor sapiente. Repudiandae cum harum eos maiores cumque. Minima ullam eum quae iure labore eligendi.
Enim doloribus eveniet numquam quas quasi. Ut ducimus cum ea totam architecto quia fugiat. Quis omnis eum repudiandae veritatis mollitia. Voluptatem quia dolor adipisci ratione iste voluptatibus doloribus.