Hilarious Barclays Goodbye Email

Received this floating around last week. Apparently it was written by a Barclays kid that just left. For those of you who have bosses who love to use business metaphors and figures of speech, you're gonna love this.

The email is lengthy, but if you can relate to its contents, you will find the comedic value.

"All,

Now that I'm the client, I have a new assignment for you.

I have a feeling someone might be doing some weekend work on this, so before we start this process, let's make sure not to put all of our eggs in one basket - if there are too many roosters in the henhouse and too many cooks in the kitchen, we will be letting the wolf into the chicken coop and this will be a hard nut to crack. At the end of the day - looking at the product from 15,000 feet - it's just a blackbox resting on a slippery slope. But from a bottom-up perspective - we're pretty smart guys and doing this from soup to nuts will leave us with bird in hand and create some serious value-added.

Provided we row downstream and don't spin our wheels - there's no need to be caught with our pants down.

Let's take a top-down approach - focus on core competencies, think outside the box, keep it apples to apples and bake in your assumptions, and spread, dig into, play with, juice, goose, vet, run, flesh out, go through with a fine tooth comb, sanity check, scrub and flush the noise out of those numbers. I need you, right now, to sharpen your pencils, get cranking, take the lead, turn these comments, not tread water, bang this out, push it through, get it across the finish line and drop it on my chair. And before you send this to me, make sure to take a step back, get your arms around it, not miss the forest for the trees, and check under the hood - it better hold water. I'm not religious about this, but net-net I would guess there will be some layered switches, hockey sticks, sensitivities, color-coded sheets and zero gridlines. I know you want a rubberstamp - but there is a definite possibility that the Director will want to get his hands dirty - I want us to stay on top of the ball, keep our coach's whistle on, stay behind the wheel and keep ownership of the work.

After the heavy lifting, we just need to get the deliverables out the door and keep everything else under the kitchen sink - we'll figure out its highest and best use later. Keep in mind I am in no way wed to this analysis, but this is a two-horse race, and we can't afford to have our heads in the tent. There is no need to recreate the wheel here, but this will be a great learning experience. Let's discuss when you get in.

Basically, you're preaching to the choir here. To get a little more granular here before we press the print button, let's touch base now. (I'll be out of pocket later, so swing by while I'm on the ground.)

First of all, this is a good chance for you to step up. Right now, the two companies are feeling less than romantic, but remember, all girls talk. I think they'll eventually give up more than a girl on prom night - our job is to get them across the finish line. I want us to manage the process and keep the ball in our court. I appreciate that this may be a bit of a lick in the armpit, but I want us to work smart, not hard, and I don't want to recreate the wheel - this doesn't need to be gold-plated. Let's divide and conquer. You do the blocking and tackling and I'll socialize it with the board. I want us to run this to ground before we lob the missile over to the other side. My fear is that our client will land on a grenade or try to catch a falling piano. We don't want to open up the kimono too soon, or we may bleed to death by a 1000 cuts. Just so we're crystal, let's get on the same page - I don't want us to trip a mine. I'll focus on the care and feeding of the board and you bottom this out. For ease-of-motion and because all the moving parts, I will appoint you scribe. Just blackberry me if you need more guidance. I need to be on a plane now.

Before you sign off, let's not lose sight of the big picture. What's driving all of this is that we could put all the buyers in a Civic and still have spare seats. But, at the end of the day, it is what it is. We may have to kiss a lot of frogs to get there, but I think the other side has been leaving some breadcrumbs on the trail. Let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater. Just to be sure were not drinking our own kool-aid, let's stress-test this, just for our own back-pocket. I want 100% of your bandwidth. If someone calls, put them on the box and I'll talk to them. With this kind of thing, the devil's in the details. In the mean-time, you keep your head down and I'll keep my ears to the ground. I don't want us to get all hot and heavy yet. Let us bat this around internally and send it over to our scientists in the lab. We need to kick the tires, or else we may find ourselves sitting in neutral. I want to be efficient with the team's time and not spin our wheels - after all, we're all wearing several hats here. The companies are doing the lover's dance but we need to focus on putting this to bed. The industrial logic of this deal is sound, but the issue is the CFO is sitting in the CEO's lap, talking his book. We need some air cover here and if we don't get it, we're going to have to run an audible. For now, we should keep our cards close to our chest.

Thx,
Jon"

Mod Note (Andy): Best of 2016, this post ranks #16 for the past year

Comments (49)

Best Response
Oct 28, 2016

Jesus Christ, I got an aneurysm reading this

Oct 28, 2016

I had way too many flash backs to instances where my VP used these metaphors...

    • 1
Oct 28, 2016

I suspect that the majority of his colleagues stopped reading after the first eight lines. I did, too

    • 7
Oct 28, 2016

The email is too long, but other than that it's golden and brings back terrible memories.

    • 5
Oct 28, 2016

I agree, I definitely think the guy over did it. But I assume that was his intention, in order to demonstrate the overuse of these bull shit phrases.

    • 1
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Funniest
Oct 30, 2016

Yeah he really boiled the ocean.

    • 32
Oct 29, 2016

Pls, no one types that much in an email.

Oct 29, 2016

If this kid thinks he's heard enough jargon in banking, wait until he's in PE and starts talking with middle market CEOs...

    • 5
Dec 9, 2017

That's a virtuous cycle...

Oct 30, 2016

I think the best part of this e-mail is the finishing touch. "Thx"

    • 12
Oct 30, 2016

Agree

    • 1
Nov 1, 2016

I hate that response. It really took too long to type "thanks"? 3 freaking more letters

Nov 4, 2016

you kidding, right?

Oct 30, 2016

What's the circumstances around this person leaving? The beginning of the email says, "Now that I'm the client..."

Oct 31, 2016

that's pretty self-explanatory, no?

    • 1
Oct 31, 2016

No.

Follow the shit your fellow monkeys say @shitWSOsays

Life is hard, it's even harder when you're stupid - John Wayne

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7,548 questions across 469 investment banks. The WSO Investment Banking Interview Prep Course has everything you'll ever need to start your career on Wall Street. Technical, Behavioral and Networking Courses + 2 Bonus Modules. Learn more.

Oct 30, 2016

I'd reply "Can you send me the tl;dr version?"

    • 2
    • 1
Oct 30, 2016

Was wondering when this would hit WSO.

The only one he missed was "turnkey."

Oct 31, 2016

tldr

Oct 31, 2016

Some 7 years ago, a similar email circulated. This one's a ripoff

Oct 31, 2016

Forgot the usual football metaphors too: "The guy who's quarterbacking this," etc.

Metal. Music. Life. www.headofmetal.com

    • 1
Oct 28, 2016

He snuck the "audible" metaphor in there at the end shudder

Oct 31, 2016

No need for MBA programs anymore. That just about covers it.

    • 6
Nov 1, 2016

This is a full-faced crash course guide to synergistic consulting efficiency verbiages.

    • 1
Oct 31, 2016

I've never been more motivated to get work done.

Also, very surprised I didn't see "nose to the grindstone" once.

//Signed//
MLang

Oct 31, 2016

I blacked out for a whole paragraph there. This is offensive.

Oct 31, 2016

i am running a project now and I am going to copy 99% of this and send to my team and wait and see how long before their brain short circuits and see if one of them has the balls to come to me and ask me "how many fucking mushrooms did you take before writing this?" probably give them a raise and promote them...

    • 4
Oct 31, 2016

brilliant..reading this feels like my interview and first week in the industry. had no clue what my boss was talking about

Oct 31, 2016

I read every word of this, and I must say I am very disappointed in the number of repetitions. He could have easily made this about three paragraphs longer with out a single repeat and still not touched 75% of the nonsense jargon that is said, emailed, or plastered in pitch books. Hell I've seen a few pitch books in my day that had more jargon in them than this email did.

Follow the shit your fellow monkeys say @shitWSOsays

Life is hard, it's even harder when you're stupid - John Wayne

Oct 31, 2016

Well I can tell you why he didn't get promoted. He forgot to use 'don't look a gift horse in the mouth' or 'don't cut off your nose to spite your face.' I hate to be the one to say it but hey, there is your canary in the crate.

    • 3
Oct 31, 2016

Jesus christ, this is one of the most hateful things I have ever read.

    • 1
Oct 28, 2016

Well ain't that some shit? Actually gave the kid credit for being witty...

Oct 31, 2016

Reminds me of this lol:

Nov 1, 2016

He forgot to request some "color" on the numbers!

Nov 1, 2016

Was probably jammed up on some other work.

    • 1
Nov 2, 2016

He forgot to call a spade a spade, but it's water under the fridge

    • 1
Nov 3, 2016

Where's the "pls circle back next 2hrs thx

sent from my Blackberry 10"

Nov 3, 2016

This is excellent.

"we could put all the buyers in a Civic and still have spare seats"
Didn't know this one yet. Thanks for sharing!

Nov 4, 2016

This was like an arrow in an arrow in a bulls eye. Totally overkill, completely accurate.

Nov 4, 2016

This was like an arrow in an arrow in a bulls eye. Totally overkill, completely accurate.

Nov 5, 2016

no paradigm shifts for greater synergies?

Nov 6, 2016

He probably got let go for keeping a joke going long after it stopped being funny.

    • 1
Nov 8, 2016

This was beautiful

Nov 10, 2016

LOL

Nov 13, 2016

LOL, I've started to say things like this back in 2009. When I was at a company, leading for the first time. It seemed ridiculous at first, but then I refined it to "a better way of saying" of the same bullshit.

Years later, I opened a company and put somone else to do the management job. I didn't bothered with any of the shit I've heard of the managers in charge since then. It gets in an ear and flees at the other...I couldn't care less, and my business is doing better than never...

I Wonder if shit like that ever gets to be really useful for a leader. Looks more like things you do when you're teaching any-ape-else, to do an irrational work he's never done before look anything rational.

Also, for this matter I think that most of the employees should naturally be treated more respectfully and transparently. No bullshit will make people do better for your office than when they actually like/respect you. And no bullshit will ever make them hate you less when they leave you.

Anyway, loved to read this email. Even though I would fear to sent things like this fearing any type of retaliation.

Jan 17, 2017
Comment
    • 1
Jan 17, 2017

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.

Dec 8, 2017