Long Distance Relationships or Sacrificing Career Abroad

bcf2011's picture
Rank: Monkey | 46

Mod (Andy) note: Good forum thread below on choosing between a relationship / location / career

I am going to be doing S&T abroad this summer, and assuming I like it, I hope to stay abroad full time for at least a few years if not longer. I have a lot of wanderlust, so even in a different career, I would like to see the world, and I think your 20's is some of the best time to enjoy living abroad.

Now here comes the issue...I'm in a really amazing, long term relationship, and my boyfriend is definitely going to be super successful...but he's also going to remain in the US forever, and more importantly, during my 20's.

So, I'd really like to hear from women here who decided to pick their career over their boyfriend (or vice verse) and how it turned out for them.

senior year relationship dilemma

Our users feel that you should pursue your career interests while you are young rather than sacrificing an opportunity that you want to pursue. That being said, our users point out that long distance is an option particularly in the context of a summer internship.

mokiki:

I am a female and I have done the living abroad more than once as well as the long-distance relationship etc. My advice is don't do this to yourself - go live your life! I have also ended relationships due to the distance thing and I don't regret it. Never look back, follow your dreams as life is short and you better enjoy it now.

Chocobo:

You're still in your 20s. Focus on your life & experience everything you want. You don't have to think of this break up as permanent. After working abroad for some time, you may realize it's not for you & you'd come back to the US. If so, there is a chance you two can get back together. You never know what can happen in the future. You have to do what's right for you.
And breaking up after college is quite normal because of long distance or because you both have different interests. If you both break up for some reason afterwards & you didn't take this opportunity, you'd regret it.

TonyPerkis - Asset Management Associate]<strong>Had to break off a long-term on-off relationship to move abroad... it's never easy... and even when you try to keep in touch, it just gets messy</strong>... You're young, so there's no reason to hold back on your career... if you can do your time abroad, and when you get home it works out, then thats awesome... if it doesn't, then so be it...but <strong>NEVER make career decisions based on a guy / girl, especially at your age.</strong>[/qutoe]

[quote Californicated88 - Private Equity Analyst:

My GF and I are fairly open and honest about the future. I've been working since last June, and she is graduating in May and currently looking for job opportunities. She's looking in SF, New York, all over the place - and I WANT her to do that. As many posters have said, I would never want her to sacrifice her career for me, and vice versa I'm not going to sacrifice mine for her. Looking to the future, we obviously want to stay together, realistically you have to think about what city/region you want to live in, and everything else will fall into place after that.

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Comments (71)

Mar 4, 2012

Dude here. Just know that living abroad can be tough personally. I spent almost half a year in some random outpost, and seeing many of the expats, it didn't seem like a very fun life in some sense. Most guys would hit anything that moves. Life tends to get pretty monotonous after you have seen the basic touristy stuff. You might get in relationship with someone, but you'll know that it'll inevitably end when you or the other person moves somewhere else (which is pretty common for almost all expats). If you can handle loner life or uncommitted relationships, you will be fine. If you always need some support, might be a different story. If you are only 21-22, you can probably spare few years.

Mar 4, 2012

I just got out of a long term relationship and me having an opportunity in New York was one of the big factors in us breaking up. I wasn't planning on sacrificing an incredible opportunity just to stay with her and she didn't want to move so that was it. All of the more senior people I interned with (male and female) all said the one thing they truly regret was sticking with their significant others after college and giving up great opportunities. Don't know much about your relationship beyond what you've described here but who knows if you guys will stay together after you're done with college? You are going to absolutely despise him if you turn down this opportunity and shit doesn't work out with him. I'd say think about it after your summer but this kind of shit goes both ways. If he's unwilling to even considering moving and you have a great chance to start your career then shit is just not going to work out. Relationships are give and take blah blah blah and those types of situations are impossible for both parties to compromise on.

Mar 4, 2012
whatwhatwhat:

truly regret was sticking with their significant others after college and giving up great opportunities

Hell, yeah, biggest mistake of my damn life. Listen: in the big picture of life, marriage and family are going to count for a whole hell of a lot more than anything else. But in the short term, especially when you're young, you really should focus on YOUR development more than OUR development. Why? Because you are a different person at 27 than you are at 21. If you're 45 and still 'finding yourself', well, I don't know what to tell you, you're an asshole and you missed the damn boat. But getting married and giving up good jobs at the age of 20 is a bad idea. Consider:

  1. You're 20. You have about as much chance of marrying this guy as you did your 8th grade boyfriend.
  2. Chick flicks are a questionable form of education. I've dumped AND been dumped because of change of locations for career. I've also made accomodations and been accomodated...every relationship is different. Be honest with yourself.
  3. Be aware that jetting around and then hitting the 'settle down' button when your biological clock starts screaming will be a tough adjustment....do not underestimate this, trust me, I've seen it first hand a bunch of times. It's very doable if you're for real, but you don't want to be "that bitch" who's always talking about how much better everyplace else is, you'll just end up alienating yourself. Guys who are stable/tied to the area also wonder if you're just going to pick up and leave.....and therefore question how seriously they should take you. It's not fair but that's the way it is. I say this because a lot of family / friends have faced this and come through ok, but denying it won't help. Seek professional help if necessary, it's not uncommon.
  4. It sounds like you've made your mind up. Why are you coming here for advice? You got an exciting job and in the back of your head you don't see yourself with this guy long term...his success level seems irrelevant to you, you'll make your own money while traveling, and that's what you really want.

So, let's cut to the chase: End it and go travel. There, there, feel better about it now? YOU don't have to be the asshole who said it. Enjoy working and drop a line here once in a while, it's always nice to hear from the overseas crowd.

    • 3
    • 1
Mar 6, 2012

I was going to type up a long response, but this guy nailed it:

UFOinsider:
whatwhatwhat:

truly regret was sticking with their significant others after college and giving up great opportunities

Hell, yeah, biggest mistake of my damn life. Listen: in the big picture of life, marriage and family are going to count for a whole hell of a lot more than anything else. But in the short term, especially when you're young, you really should focus on YOUR development more than OUR development. Why? Because you are a different person at 27 than you are at 21. If you're 45 and still 'finding yourself', well, I don't know what to tell you, you're an asshole and you missed the damn boat. But getting married and giving up good jobs at the age of 20 is a bad idea. Consider:

  1. You're 20. You have about as much chance of marrying this guy as you did your 8th grade boyfriend.
  2. Chick flicks are a questionable form of education. I've dumped AND been dumped because of change of locations for career. I've also made accomodations and been accomodated...every relationship is different. Be honest with yourself.
  3. Be aware that jetting around and then hitting the 'settle down' button when your biological clock starts screaming will be a tough adjustment....do not underestimate this, trust me, I've seen it first hand a bunch of times. It's very doable if you're for real, but you don't want to be "that bitch" who's always talking about how much better everyplace else is, you'll just end up alienating yourself. Guys who are stable/tied to the area also wonder if you're just going to pick up and leave.....and therefore question how seriously they should take you. It's not fair but that's the way it is. I say this because a lot of family / friends have faced this and come through ok, but denying it won't help. Seek professional help if necessary, it's not uncommon.
  4. It sounds like you've made your mind up. Why are you coming here for advice? You got an exciting job and in the back of your head you don't see yourself with this guy long term...his success level seems irrelevant to you, you'll make your own money while traveling, and that's what you really want.

So, let's cut to the chase: End it and go travel. There, there, feel better about it now? YOU don't have to be the asshole who said it. Enjoy working and drop a line here once in a while, it's always nice to hear from the overseas crowd.

    • 1
Mar 4, 2012

Most of the guys that post on these forums are/act quite chauvinistic but in this instance I would agree with the 3 guys above. I am a female and I have done the living abroad more than once as well as the long-distance relationship etc. My advice is don't do this to yourself - go live your life! I have also ended relationships due to the distance thing and I don't regret it. Never look back, follow your dreams as life is short and you better enjoy it now.

Mar 4, 2012

UFO said it pretty well. Enjoy yourself now, prepare yourself to settle down later. You might regret it for a month or two, but that's not that big of a deal compared to spending years exploring the world.

Mar 4, 2012

Non-issue. Bitches come and go (including male bitches). You're young, enjoy that shit and do whatever you liiiiikeeee. Your boy will be fine. He might even thank you later.

Best Response
May 8, 2018

[Taking the post down - freaky seeing something you wrote six years ago and don't even remember writing!]

    • 15
May 8, 2018

Want to date?

Mar 5, 2012

Mar 5, 2012

travel now, serious relationships later

WSO's COO (Chief Operating Orangutan) | My Linkedin

Mar 5, 2012

Had to break off a long-term on-off relationship to move abroad..it's never easy..and even when you try to keep in touch, it just gets messy...You're young, so there's no reason to hold back on your career..if you can do your time abroad, and when you get home it works out, then thats awesome..if it doesn't, then so be it...but NEVER make career decisions based on a girl, especially at your age

I eat success for breakfast...with skim milk

    • 1
Mar 5, 2012

I hope your boyfriend sees this coming and realizes that you are a conniving b**** and dumps you for a better girl before you have a chance to do it.

    • 1
Mar 8, 2012
JamesHetfield:

I hope your boyfriend sees this coming and realizes that you are a conniving b**** and dumps you for a better girl before you have a chance to do it.

^^THIS

    • 1
Mar 8, 2012
dcfness:
JamesHetfield:

I hope your boyfriend sees this coming and realizes that you are a conniving b**** and dumps you for a better girl before you have a chance to do it.

^^THIS

serously boys, welcome to The Game.

    • 1
Mar 5, 2012

I'm probably in the minority, but I've always thought the idea of working abroad was overrated. People tend to romanticize things when they are done "abroad." After a few months, it would lose it's luster.

That said, don't stay if you'll end up secretly resenting your BF over not going, even though he didn't force you to not go. However, this is obviously not something that you'll resolve on a message board. Just know that "go abroad!" isn't the obvious answer.

Mar 5, 2012
TheKing:

I'm probably in the minority, but I've always thought the idea of working abroad was overrated. People tend to romanticize things when they are done "abroad." After a few months, it would lose it's luster.

Living abroad isn't for everyone. for me its been a dream of mine to have location/time freedom, and luckily have been able to do this by always having remote work positions (as I currently do). I love traveling/being an expat, have been living in Buenos Aires for 13 months, and wouldn't change it for a second. Hope to keep moving around the world for the next 5-7 years, from here->columbia->europe->asia... and then who knows :)

WSO's COO (Chief Operating Orangutan) | My Linkedin

Mar 5, 2012

tl;dr

just choose the more prestigious option.

    • 2
Mar 5, 2012
melvvvar:

tl;dr

just choose the more prestigious option.

This is fucking great.

Jun 11, 2018
Flake:
melvvvar:

tl;dr

just choose the more prestigious option.

This is fucking great.

Really wonderful. Why tear yourself in half if you are building a wonderful career. Relationships interfere with career growth and vice versa. What do you like and then choose

Jun 11, 2018
Flake:
melvvvar:

tl;dr

just choose the more prestigious option.

This is fucking great.

Really wonderful. Why tear yourself in half if you are building a wonderful career. Relationships interfere with career growth and vice versa. What do you like and then choose

Mar 5, 2012
bcf2011:

Now, I swear, almost every book or novel I can think of that features a woman choosing a job or career over a man...has her rethink her decisions and end up doing something else in order to be with him. The only counterexample I can think of right now is Up in the Air, with the girl going to bumfuck, USA to be with her boyfriend...and then of course he dumps her and she goes and gets that awesome job. All fiction, of course, but fiction is always based on reality. Obviously it's much more acceptable for women to choose men over their careers...and since this forum seems to be male dominated, that seems to be the prevalent theme...

I know you caveated it, but fiction in general let alone freaking Up in the Air is seriously part of your thought process for a major life decision, do yourself and your boyfriend a favor and end the relationship so that you can go and experience the real world.

Mar 5, 2012

I might have some relevant insight here...

Guy here, currently working on the West Coast in a long-distance relationship with a girl on the East Coast. Now before the flaming begins, let me say that we both were the last ones who thought we would end up together let alone in a long distance relationship. That being said, we are both head over heels for each other, and I love every single day knowing that my GF is in my life. I had my fun in my college fraternity days, and I never thought I'd find as amazing a girl as my GF.

Now to answer the OP - My GF and I are fairly open and honest about the future. I've been working since last June, and she is graduating in May and currently looking for job opportunities. She's looking in SF, New York, all over the place - and I WANT her to do that. As many posters have said, I would never want her to sacrifice her career for me, and vice versa I'm not going to sacrifice mine for her. Looking to the future, we obviously want to stay together, but I think the way I told her to think about it its helpful - realistically you have to think about what city/region you want to live in, and everything else will fall into place after that. IE: for her she needs to decide if the "unthinkable" happened and we broke up, would she still be happy living in SF. Neither of us knows what the future holds, and we are both young (I'm 23 and she's 21). When you're seriously in love with someone though, you have to look to the future as a future with your significant other in it, for however long that is 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years....and just enjoy the amazing time you have together it for what it is.

Just my 2 cents.

EDIT: I should add that the only reason this relationship works is because my firm usually gives me my weekends, and I'm able to see the girl on average once a month or more.

Mar 5, 2012
RAMBO:

I might have some relevant insight here...

Guy here, currently working on the West Coast in a long-distance relationship with a girl on the East Coast. Now before the flaming begins, let me say that we both were the last ones who thought we would end up together let alone in a long distance relationship. That being said, we are both head over heels for each other, and I love every single day knowing that my GF is in my life. I had my fun in my college fraternity days, and I never thought I'd find as amazing a girl as my GF.

Now to answer the OP - My GF and I are fairly open and honest about the future. I've been working since last June, and she is graduating in May and currently looking for job opportunities. She's looking in SF, New York, all over the place - and I WANT her to do that. As many posters have said, I would never want her to sacrifice her career for me, and vice versa I'm not going to sacrifice mine for her. Looking to the future, we obviously want to stay together, but I think the way I told her to think about it its helpful - realistically you have to think about what city/region you want to live in, and everything else will fall into place after that. IE: for her she needs to decide if the "unthinkable" happened and we broke up, would she still be happy living in SF. Neither of us knows what the future holds, and we are both young (I'm 23 and she's 21). When you're seriously in love with someone though, you have to look to the future as a future with your significant other in it, for however long that is 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years....and just enjoy the amazing time you have together it for what it is.

Just my 2 cents.

EDIT: I should add that the only reason this relationship works is because my firm usually gives me my weekends, and I'm able to see the girl on average once a month or more.

You are very naive if you think a 21 year old girl across the country isn't cheating on you...

    • 1
Mar 5, 2012
HFFBALLfan123:
RAMBO:

I might have some relevant insight here...

Guy here, currently working on the West Coast in a long-distance relationship with a girl on the East Coast. Now before the flaming begins, let me say that we both were the last ones who thought we would end up together let alone in a long distance relationship. That being said, we are both head over heels for each other, and I love every single day knowing that my GF is in my life. I had my fun in my college fraternity days, and I never thought I'd find as amazing a girl as my GF.

Now to answer the OP - My GF and I are fairly open and honest about the future. I've been working since last June, and she is graduating in May and currently looking for job opportunities. She's looking in SF, New York, all over the place - and I WANT her to do that. As many posters have said, I would never want her to sacrifice her career for me, and vice versa I'm not going to sacrifice mine for her. Looking to the future, we obviously want to stay together, but I think the way I told her to think about it its helpful - realistically you have to think about what city/region you want to live in, and everything else will fall into place after that. IE: for her she needs to decide if the "unthinkable" happened and we broke up, would she still be happy living in SF. Neither of us knows what the future holds, and we are both young (I'm 23 and she's 21). When you're seriously in love with someone though, you have to look to the future as a future with your significant other in it, for however long that is 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years....and just enjoy the amazing time you have together it for what it is.

Just my 2 cents.

EDIT: I should add that the only reason this relationship works is because my firm usually gives me my weekends, and I'm able to see the girl on average once a month or more.

You are very naive if you think a 21 year old girl across the country isn't cheating on you...

no comment but +1

The answer to your question is 1) network 2) get involved 3) beef up your resume 4) repeat -happypantsmcgee

WSO is not your personal search function.

Mar 5, 2012
HFFBALLfan123:
RAMBO:

I might have some relevant insight here...

Guy here, currently working on the West Coast in a long-distance relationship with a girl on the East Coast. Now before the flaming begins, let me say that we both were the last ones who thought we would end up together let alone in a long distance relationship. That being said, we are both head over heels for each other, and I love every single day knowing that my GF is in my life. I had my fun in my college fraternity days, and I never thought I'd find as amazing a girl as my GF.

Now to answer the OP - My GF and I are fairly open and honest about the future. I've been working since last June, and she is graduating in May and currently looking for job opportunities. She's looking in SF, New York, all over the place - and I WANT her to do that. As many posters have said, I would never want her to sacrifice her career for me, and vice versa I'm not going to sacrifice mine for her. Looking to the future, we obviously want to stay together, but I think the way I told her to think about it its helpful - realistically you have to think about what city/region you want to live in, and everything else will fall into place after that. IE: for her she needs to decide if the "unthinkable" happened and we broke up, would she still be happy living in SF. Neither of us knows what the future holds, and we are both young (I'm 23 and she's 21). When you're seriously in love with someone though, you have to look to the future as a future with your significant other in it, for however long that is 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years....and just enjoy the amazing time you have together it for what it is.

Just my 2 cents.

EDIT: I should add that the only reason this relationship works is because my firm usually gives me my weekends, and I'm able to see the girl on average once a month or more.

You are very naive if you think a 21 year old girl across the country isn't cheating on you...

no comment but +1

The answer to your question is 1) network 2) get involved 3) beef up your resume 4) repeat -happypantsmcgee

WSO is not your personal search function.

Mar 8, 2012
RAMBO:

I might have some relevant insight here...

Guy here, currently working on the West Coast in a long-distance relationship with a girl on the East Coast. Now before the flaming begins, let me say that we both were the last ones who thought we would end up together let alone in a long distance relationship. That being said, we are both head over heels for each other, and I love every single day knowing that my GF is in my life. I had my fun in my college fraternity days, and I never thought I'd find as amazing a girl as my GF.

Now to answer the OP - My GF and I are fairly open and honest about the future. I've been working since last June, and she is graduating in May and currently looking for job opportunities. She's looking in SF, New York, all over the place - and I WANT her to do that. As many posters have said, I would never want her to sacrifice her career for me, and vice versa I'm not going to sacrifice mine for her. Looking to the future, we obviously want to stay together, but I think the way I told her to think about it its helpful - realistically you have to think about what city/region you want to live in, and everything else will fall into place after that. IE: for her she needs to decide if the "unthinkable" happened and we broke up, would she still be happy living in SF. Neither of us knows what the future holds, and we are both young (I'm 23 and she's 21). When you're seriously in love with someone though, you have to look to the future as a future with your significant other in it, for however long that is 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years....and just enjoy the amazing time you have together it for what it is.

Just my 2 cents.

EDIT: I should add that the only reason this relationship works is because my firm usually gives me my weekends, and I'm able to see the girl on average once a month or more.

You know how I know you're gay?

RAMBO:

That being said, we are both head over heels for each other, and I love every single day knowing that my GF is in my life.

    • 1
Mar 5, 2012

I know you asked for a woman's perspective, so I'm not going to spend too much time. A few short points:

A - Be honest with yourself about what you want... Will you cheat on him during your summer abroad? If yes, break up now. You owe it to him and to yourself if you want to spend time experiencing people abroad. Be honest.

B - If the answer to "A" is "no", then decide after your summer abroad. You will have time to experience what being abroad and being apart from one another is like. Also, you will have the chance to know what it feels like to come back to him. It will give you more colour on what a long distance relationship is like and how you feel about being with someone long term. I've seen long distance relationships work and I've seen them fail. Commitment and knowing what you are getting into seem to be the crucial factors.

C - The other side: I've commented before on dating girls in finance on the Banker Chick thread. Check it out, it's worth it.

I want to add, that I've travelled a lot and have worked abroad. It has been great for me, but it isn't as rosy as people often portray it. Work is work and you still have to actively manage your career & network... that said, it's worth it to spend some time abroad to mature as a person if you have never done so... as to relationships from a guy's perspective... If I was in a relationship with a girl I really liked and had to leave the country, I would take her with me rather than breaking up a good relationship. Obviously, I would have to commit to her. You can't have your cake and eat it.

Mar 5, 2012

@HFFBALLfan123 That's what trust in a relationship is all about my friend. Will I ever know? No. Regardless, as I mentioned both of us bounced around a lot in college, and in general are not really relationship people. The fact that we fell so hard for each other still baffles me.

That being said, I DO hear where you're coming from. I would never recommend a long distance relationship to anyone. My only defense at the risk of being a hypocrite is: I'm in California with some of the hottest chicks I have ever seen - trust me, I wouldn't be dating this girl if it weren't worth it.

Mar 5, 2012

You're still in your 20s. Focus on your life & experience everything you want. You don't have to think of this break up as permanent. After working abroad for some time, you may realize it's not for you & you'd come back to the US. If so, there is a chance you two can get back together. You never know what can happen in the future. You have to do what's right for you.

And breaking up after college is quite normal because of long distance or because you both have different interests.
If you both break up for some reason afterwards & you didn't take this opportunity, you'd regret it. You're young - follow your ambition. Love has a tendency of showing up when you least expect it so don't worry about relationships at the moment. Who knows, you could meet a foreigner with a sexy accent? Haha

Go live your life and reach for your goals and have faith that things will work out. :)

Mar 5, 2012
June Rose:

there is a chance you two can get back together

Don't nurture this hope, it's not fair to anyone. If it happens.....great.....but let go of that person as soon as you step on the plane. It's over, now live the life you chose.

Mar 5, 2012
UFOinsider:
June Rose:

there is a chance you two can get back together

Don't nurture this hope, it's not fair to anyone. If it happens.....great.....but let go of that person as soon as you step on the plane. It's over, now live the life you chose.

Oh sorry, I didn't mean to sound like that. I agree with you.

Whatever decision she makes, she should have no regrets and proceed to live the life she has chosen.

Mar 5, 2012

in all seriousness this happened to me. right after graduating nyu i took a job with EF hutton in london and left a great girl behind. afterwards i went on to a boutique M&A shop -- sales are a big feeder for that of course. it was a hard decision because she wanted to settle down and start a FAMILY, but MAN i didn't want to be CAGED into a lifestyle. many TEArs were shed but in the end, having the most expensive penthouse in the building, the ferrari and the big city life was what i really wanted.

Mar 5, 2012

in case you didnt see it, my thoughts on living abroad: http://www.wallstreetoasis.com/forums/the-other-ro...

WSO's COO (Chief Operating Orangutan) | My Linkedin

Mar 5, 2012

I have been 8 years with my gf, last 3 of them she has been living in south america and I in europe, luckily for our relationship we had been apart before, 3 months because of being in different cities, 5 months as she was in europe and I in south america, and so on, so we got accustomed to have a nice relationship in the distance. Handling a long tern relationship is not easy, luckily we can afford to travel at least once every 6 months to meet, even before a SA stint and right before exams I took 2 weeks to visit her, because that was better than nothing. I remain extremely flexible as to where to work, but nevertheless it involves sacrifices, we wont want to stay far away our whole life, so eventually we will have to compromise, however as long as I do well in my career and she does too, the question will be who is doing better and then the other will have to relocate, and if its me I am willing to compromise, there is money everywhere, and in the top levels is who you know and how much you can make. If she is doing better than me, is because her network is going to be worth more than mine and I am 100% positive I can leverage that, same thing for her.

The main issue with long distance relationship is twofold, first sex and second communication, if you cant talk for an hour on skype with someone the other side of the atlantic about nonsense stuff, or if you want to bang all that moves without remorse, then break up. If you find out this is someone you really like to communicate with, and you understand eachother in sex extremely well, you might give it a try, however you must consider the other side too and that cheating is a reality you will want to manage (specially you cheating remorselessly). Not a moral high ground advice, but its a very basic and pragmatic approach, you got to be realistic, I like my relationship because there is an agreement in labor flexibility and long term perspective, basically because she is quite a girl, most likely I wouldnt do it for somebody else.

In long distance relationships, when in doubt, break up, it will only get worse.

Valor is of no service, chance rules all, and the bravest often fall by the hands of cowards. - Tacitus

Dr. Nick Riviera: Hey, don't worry. You don't have to make up stories here. Save that for court!

Mar 5, 2012

As much as it's nice to have the guys opinions; there is really no way their situation can compare to yours.
How old are you? 20? Go for it with no second thought. Closer to 25? Think about it very carefully.

After you've reached some of your professional goals, experienced life abroad and traveled where you wanted to, you might start looking for another meaning to your life. Then you will probably be closer to 30 and you don't want to look desperate to find a husband and have kids....

One thing that I've noticed, the girls in the office, over thirty, the ones that don't have kids, are really ...different. I can't explain, but not in a good way.

We can act and think like the boys as much as we want....until life catches on.

Mar 6, 2012
thatgirl7:

One thing that I've noticed, the girls in the office, over thirty, the ones that don't have kids, are really ...different. I can't explain, but not in a good way.

Could you go into more detail? I can definitely say that the dudes here who don't have anything outside of work are 'off' a little, but I'm speaking as a guy. I'm curious what your take is as a woman commenting on women...

Mar 6, 2012
UFOinsider:
thatgirl7:

One thing that I've noticed, the girls in the office, over thirty, the ones that don't have kids, are really ...different. I can't explain, but not in a good way.

Could you go into more detail? I can definitely say that the dudes here who don't have anything outside of work are 'off' a little, but I'm speaking as a guy. I'm curious what your take is as a woman commenting on women...

I don't get this one. When you say the dudes are "off a little", do you mean they're happy?

    • 1
Mar 5, 2012

If the relationship is strong enough it will continue while you guys are apart. To be honest if you love each other that much then you guys will make it work. If it doesn't well at least you tried and move on with your life! :)

Mar 5, 2012

Chicks go "abroad" for one thing, and one thing only.

Mar 5, 2012

Hey all, thanks for all the comments and keep them coming...it's quite interesting to hear everyone's experiences (though it's unfortunate how few women it seems there really are on here!)

I thought I would reply to a few things, just because I feel like it...

First of all, I wasn't really planning on not going abroad because of him. I just wanted to see some real life examples of people who were in the same situation and how it turned out. As many have pointed out, I'm still pretty young...will be 22 when I graduate, so I have time to live a little.

Some people brought up the point that, if he's unwilling to follow me, it's not worth it anyway. Unfortunately, that never will be an option, because he'll be at school in the US for 7-8 years after we graduate from undergrad. His chosen future has nothing to do with anything on this site haha.

A few people raised the "late 20's for a girl isn't the same as for a guy, unfortunately, for dating propsects"...and to look at my mom to see how I'll age. Luckily my parents have always "looked young" so hopefully this won't be too much of an issue =P

@TonyPerkis - I'm a girl talking about a boy...

@JamesHetfield - Hopefully you're just trolling, but he knows I'm going abroad this summer and that there's a good chance I'll go back after grad. He also doesn't know where he'll be until March next year.

@RAMBO - unfortunately, once a month is not really an option when it's a 15+ hour flight. But I'm glad it's worked out for you so far.

@melvvvar - "afterwards i went on to a boutique M&A shop -- sales are a big feeder for that of course." ??? But seriously, what?? I've never heard that before, so please clarify--you obviously know a lot more about the field than I do. I know sales tends to be a longer term job, and assuming (perhaps incorrectly) I do go back full time, I have no idea how long I'll last [hopefully long] (I get bored super easily, so I envisage career changes at several points in my future).

@El_mono - unfortunately, he's going to be in the same place for 7 years and his future career isn't really the type you can just pick up and move if I were to be "more successful"

Mar 5, 2012

I was not trolling. Just been jilted too many times.

Is he going to medical school?

Mar 5, 2012

md/phd actually. So even longer.

Mar 6, 2012

lol, funny enough my gf is also in the healthcare area (Dentistry), I believe its actually quite a good complement ( and a hedge) to a less stable career in finance, but what do I know haha. Look, if you are considering the break up, specially to "live a little", which basically translates to partying, just do it. If this was THE relationship I doubt you would be asking for advice in here, where I believe you know pretty much what the answer will be :).

And if you need further encouragement, please feel free to search for wso's famous threads on divorce :D.

Valor is of no service, chance rules all, and the bravest often fall by the hands of cowards. - Tacitus

Dr. Nick Riviera: Hey, don't worry. You don't have to make up stories here. Save that for court!

Mar 6, 2012

Female here. Not my personal experience but, a friend of mine in S&T was able to keep up a long-distance relationship while she was in college, for 2 years. They broke it off half way through the summer - or rather she did, because once you start working, it's just a completely different world. You meet new people, your personality becomes different (esp. in S&T), your relationship dynamics becomes different b/c of your appetite and potential for success (i.e. are you going to earn more than he is? is he going to be comfortable about it? that's a long-term issue). All kinds of issues pop up in the "real world". I saw this disaster happen first-hand (but then again, I never understood why she was dating this guy in the first place anyway... very insecure, always texting her asking her whereabouts, so I don't know how long-distance worked for them in the first place. But you have to realize even the most trusting couples have those issues, esp. when you both know your high earners surrounded by other successful young professionals)

Why don't you just try to cool off or go on a break instead of breaking up immediately? Do a trial run, and if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. You move on. This is gonna sound terrible though, but - I'm sure you'll find equally good guys to date, if not better... The selection is so much wider after you leave college.

p.s. melvvvar was trolling/referring to the movie Family Man lol

I don't accept sacrifices and I don't make them. ... If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, there better be no trade at all. A trade by which one gains and the other loses is a fraud.

Mar 6, 2012

A 2nd-semester 21 year old college senior girl whose BF lives across the country is most definitely cheating, most likely with the fresh crop of freshman pledges that just made it into whatever fraternity her sorority hangs around.

My name is Nicky, but you can call me Dre.

    • 1
Mar 8, 2012

op just break up deep down u kno this shit isn't going to work

stop wasting wso server space with this shit when more elite presitgious posters like moi can post content that actually matters

in conclusion

tits or gtfo

    • 1
Mar 9, 2012

/\ haha Rambo likes penis

I eat success for breakfast...with skim milk

Mar 9, 2012

Christ, some of you obviously don't know how to read. Instead of constantly bemoaning the lack of intelligence on this board, you might want to look inward...don't throw stones in a glass house and all that.

I wasn't asking "should I;" I was asking for people's real experiences with the matter, as I personally mostly know married people and those right out of college. I guess I can see how it might seem like the former if you don't read through the whole thing...but...you shouldn't comment on things that you don't read thoroughly.

Thanks to everyone who posted something at least semi-relevant, though.

    • 1
Mar 10, 2012

Agree with June, guys usually just go for the "here's how you fix this" approach. It's simple and effective, and sometimes there's no time for emoting: some jobs are pretty fast paced and cold hearted (like mine) so chatting about 'every little thing' just isn't realistic...I take that attitude home with me and sometimes it's a good reminder just to slow down and take a wider view. Sometimes there's a lot more going on than that one thing, so listening a bit more may be in order.

As for the constant pissing contest between some of the users here....this is the internet, what the hell did you expect??

bcf2011:

Christ, some of you obviously don't know how to read. Instead of constantly bemoaning the lack of intelligence on this board, you might want to look inward...don't throw stones in a glass house and all that.

I wasn't asking "should I;" I was asking for people's real experiences with the matter, as I personally mostly know married people and those right out of college. I guess I can see how it might seem like the former if you don't read through the whole thing...but...you shouldn't comment on things that you don't read thoroughly.

Thanks to everyone who posted something at least semi-relevant, though.

My experience? I dumped some girl when she moved to the other side of the world to work. Why? Because my previous long distance relationship was a disaster. I also went through a period (different career) when I was moving around a lot, and it made relationships impossible. I hear about people who do it but have never met anyone married to someone who lives permanently in a different geographical region. Periods of seperation work if you want them to, permanent distance makes you a friend/aquaintance/ex, not a romantic/domestic partner. Some people are really good about splitting up due to distance and then getting back together later on (I'm one of those people).

If you're interning for one summer, then why not just keep the door open? Honestly, it seems as though you're using this as a pretext to break up with the guy. Now, you're talking to strangers on the internet. Seriously, spend some time in self reflection. Maybe your friends already pointed this out to you, maybe they didn't, I don't know.

Whatever you choose to do is your business and I don't know the full story, but I hope it works out for you. Whatever it is you choose to do.

Mar 10, 2012

[...[]who decided to pick their career over their boyfriend (or vice verse) and how it turned out for them. Happiness is really important to me, but freedom is part of that. [...]

Key words... "Pick"... "freedom"... You asked for insight from those who have made the choice you are confronted with and highlight that "freedom" is important to you. Most of the posts on this thread are relevant (a lot more than I expected), your original post wasn't rocket science.

What are you complaining about? Why so defensive? If you want to dump the guy, string him along, commit to him, cheat on him, have an open relationship, play it by ear, or whatever that's up to you. If you just want to share your emotions on the issue/state of mind on the internet with people who have gone through similar situations, you've done that and people have empathised with you (to a larger extent that one would expect on a male dominated board).

WSO is male dominated (unfortunate, but true) and men give practical advice because that's how we are wired to approach situations. You tell a man you have a problem, he will try to fix the cause instead of relating to how you feel about it (in many cases skipping the empathy part). In this case WSO guys suggested what options you have / course of action rather than share their experience from a similar situation. It seems you were looking for empathy and you actually got that in a few posts... People have given you their thoughts and have shared their experiences to the extent they were relevant.

No need to be rude / ungrateful about it. So immature... anyway, good luck with your career and / or relationship.

    • 1
Mar 10, 2012
Relinquis][quote:

men give practical advice because that's how we are wired to approach situations. You tell a man you have a problem, he will try to fix the cause instead of relating to how you feel about it (in many cases skipping the empathy part).

I've learned that this is very true. Most of the time, I've asked for experiences on here, but the guys just go straight to the point and advise me instead. Personally, I don't mind it too much cause it's much more straightforward and you get advice either way. Like you, I would have asked for experiences as well...maybe, it's a woman thing cause we can't be upfront about it or cause we want to empathize more before deciding? Not sure...but regardless, just be glad that those people took the time to reply to you with something relevant...better than being ignored.

Mar 10, 2012

Good one, Relinquis. The original post was already relegating masculine insight to the second tier. That said, I wouldn't worry too much. Remember that this person isn't even moving to Asia; she's just spending a summer there. This whole exercise has been both premature and immature.

Mar 12, 2012

From experience and by way of advice a 10 week summer internship does not end a relationship unless one or both parties want it to whether they admit it to themselves or not.

Mar 12, 2012
medward:

From experience and by way of advice a 10 week summer internship does not end a relationship unless one or both parties want it to whether they admit it to themselves or not.

Er, I wasn't really asking about this summer but more the full time/long term view after graduation (I just think too far ahead sometimes). But thanks anyways.

Funniest
Mar 30, 2015

This is my story.

I've sort of always been moving around and have lived in 5 countries in the past 8 years.

My initial intention in moving to the US for college was to be with ex #1 - in of itself the biggest mistake of my life (I got lucky and lots of unrelated great things came from it but that's irrelevant). Got my sanity back and decided to transfer to the UK for studies and ex #2 decided he wanted to follow me (and this was literally after c. 1 month of dating) - I didn't tell him not to but I wasn't exactly keen about it, which led to a pretty nasty breakup. Even though he'd never vocalised it and might not regret dropping a huge Ivy JD scholarship to do a degree he didn't care much about in the UK per se, I doubt it was a very enjoyable or freeing experience for him, as it should've been. Ex #3 became a long distance thing when I decided to go work at a startup in Spain then stayed to pursue my master's there while he was in London. We were both deeply unhappy by the end of it. I was questioning things even when ex #4 went to meditate in Myanmar for just 3 weeks.

If there is any conclusion I could've drawn from my aggregated experiences, it would be:
Don't get tied down when you are young, especially during your studies and the starting years of working abroad. You will come to regret it. You can tell yourself that you will still live your life to the fullest while being attached in a long distance / half-assed relationship, but who are we kidding here?

Partying without having to think about your 10am Skype with your SO, hooking up just because that random is hot and you're drunk, being able to put 100% into your work without petty long distance jealousy issues clogging up your brain, feeling lonely and crying into your whipped cream tub on a Saturday night... These are all vital parts of your 20's.

Pick the option that you'll regret less.

That's my two cents for what it's worth.

    • 3
Jun 27, 2016

Since you are just in your 20's, I would advice you to choose your career. opportunities knock only once, so grab it. If not, you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

May 8, 2018

Well depends if this is truly the one.....I've been married a decade to my soulmate. Would I have taken the chance of not meeting her in trade for backpacking in Europe or going out to more bars in my 20s? HELL NO! Just a lot of childish answers on here from people following the conventional "wisdom" of the day.

However, one thing to consider is your own hesitation. In my case, both of us made some career compromises....however, the relationship did not derail either career. We're both in a good place. However, I never thought for a second, "Hey maybe I should leave this person to better my career." It never even crossed my mind. My only thought has always been how can we form a life together where this works for both of us and one person doesn't have to sacrifice too much.

So that's my advice. If this truly the one, don't leave them for a Europe trip and an entry level job. That's really stupid. I've seen jobs come and go. Guess who is always there through thick and thin. If you're not so sure that this is the person, well then that's a different story.

    • 2
May 11, 2018

i have a bf for 11 years. we were living in one roof together until January he left me for another girl which he met in his work. he told me that he doesn't love me anymore, he's not happy with our relationship, he don't want to us to live in a miserable life together.before i knew he already rented a new place him and the girl, my world fell apart, i beg and plead after him, says sorry and promise to change if i did something wrong to him but nothing worked. i was so desperate to get him back. so i came across this spell caster [email protected] yahoo. com to help me solve my problem, i told him everything and he solved my problem and my lover came back

(Fort Walton Florida USA)

May 11, 2018
Mirian-brian:

i have a bf for 11 years. we were living in one roof together until January he left me for another girl which he met in his work. he told me that he doesn't love me anymore, he's not happy with our relationship, he don't want to us to live in a miserable life together.before i knew he already rented a new place him and the girl, my world fell apart, i beg and plead after him, says sorry and promise to change if i did something wrong to him but nothing worked. i was so desperate to get him back. so i came across this spell caster [email protected] yahoo. com to help me solve my problem, i told him everything and he solved my problem and my lover came back

(Fort Walton Florida USA)

Riiiiiight

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

    • 1
Jun 6, 2018

Having my left ex lover back has been the greatest thing that has happened to me, i met Dr Mack online based on my relationship problem, he was powerful and genuine, I asked him to help me bring my Ex boyfriend back because my boyfriend dumped me and said he never wants to see me again or have anything to do with me, i explained everything to Dr Mack and he said he will solve my problem in 3 days, he asked for some information which i provided him and he said he will get back to in 3 days, on the third day my boyfriend started calling me, texting me, begging to make up with me. everything was happening so fast, my heart was full of joy, i was short of words, it was unbelievable, i and boyfriend reunited back together and the love that grows between us was stronger than anything i can think of, To anyone who is reading this article and needs relationship/marriage help, contact [email protected] yahoo. com
Swaziland.

Jun 10, 2018

It depends on your relationships. If you are ready to spend the whole life with your soulmate, this is the only reason to make such a difficult choice. But it's only my opinion.

Jun 11, 2018

I think, its okay to go a distance from your boyfriend. One should be realistic that we need to sacrifice a little and that's for your future. If you both trust each other and your boyfriend loves you that much, the distance will not be a problem.

Jul 29, 2018
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Oct 18, 2018
Apr 18, 2019