I hate being lonely so much

I am out of outlets - never had any to begin with, so please bear with me

There is no one in my life. I can get high grades or good job offers, and just go to bed depressed like every other day because no one is there to tell. I don't even try anymore. Not having a single friend at 24 is a huge red flag that something is irreparably wrong

I've never had friends, growing up with bullying, health issues and mild autism, to being bizarrely anxious about making friends in college and thus getting alienated - up until the present where the people in my life are my colleagues, those to whom I'm a disposable worker. I don't know what it's like to just connect with another human, outside of vapid networking and corporate attitude. I can barely muster up words to speak, so I don't blame people for not wanting me any close to them. I know this will probably sink in a sea of monkey shits, but honestly I need to get this out of my chest

It just hurts. I can't wait until I'm working full-time to stop thinking about myself. I hate loneliness, it's eating me alive...

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Comments (41)

Aug 16, 2021 - 9:03pm

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

  • 1
  • Associate 2 in IB-M&A
Aug 16, 2021 - 9:06pm

Have you tried getting psychiatric help? Therapy and certain drug treatments can help soothe your social anxiety and depression, and make you more confident and sociable.Β  Look into it. There are also good self-help books that might help with your case. If this is really bothering take some initiative, try to improve your social skills and put yourself out there, otherwise things most likely won't change.

Most Helpful
Aug 16, 2021 - 9:20pm

being bizarrely anxious about making friends in college and thus getting alienated

You shouldn't get nervous about making friends. Just interact with every human naturally. You might be thinking of every interaction as if it's a job interview, where the other person is "checking" if you're a likable person. To build confidence, instead think of everyone as your equal. You are "testing" them as much as they are testing you. If you like the person, great! Keep taking to them, plan to meet up again, whatever. If not, then fuck it. Find someone else to talk to. Talk to your neighbors, old school acquaintances, etc. Maybe go to places where you will find people with similar interests. Like comedy? Go to a comedy club. Like video games? Find some video game convention.Β It might be tough during the pandemic (I'm pretty lonely now too), but hopefully it will get better when it ends (whenever that is lol).

Also, it seems like you have a cynical attitude on people in general:

the people in my life are my colleagues, those to whom I'm a disposable worker

I know this will probably sink in a sea of monkey shits, but honestly I need to get this out of my chest

Why do you think your colleagues see you as a disposable worker? Is it the shitty culture or something that's just in your head? Why do you assume that this post will get showered with monkey shits? People on this forum are pretty helpful with these matters, so why be so negative? Be a bit more optimistic about life in general. Yeah some people can be assholes, but there are many good folks out there. Think of your colleagues as interesting people who you could maybe befriend. I'm not aware of the culture at your firm, but give it a try. Hope that helps. We're all lonely during this lockdown, but we'll see better times. Best of luck man!

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Aug 16, 2021 - 9:24pm

Hey brother, been there before. 100% recommend getting professional help. Look for an experienced psychologist near you (not a psychiatrist) and start working with them. No shame at all in this. My shrink is like a life coach for me. A lot of your problems sound like you might need some more guidance on a personal level.Β 

Aug 16, 2021 - 9:43pm

PaulTwodoorJones

Hey brother, been there before. 100% recommend getting professional help. Look for an experienced psychologist near you (not a psychiatrist) and start working with them. No shame at all in this. My shrink is like a life coach for me. A lot of your problems sound like you might need some more guidance on a personal level.Β 

Psychologists have PhDs. Psychiatrists have MDs. OP should see a psychiatrist not a psychologist.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

  • 3
Nov 13, 2021 - 4:05pm

Ideally both

Interested in health tech, consulting, and entrepreneurship.

Aug 18, 2021 - 10:01pm

I've done all these things. The problem with being interesting is that people eventually start ignoring you and stop inviting you to social events when they realize even though your life is cool, you're too much of a weirdo to talk to. Then you're just an interesting, good-looking loser that no one talks to.

LEARN SOCIAL SKILLS. That's the only escape from what has plagued me my entire life.

  • Intern in IB - Cov
Aug 17, 2021 - 12:09am

Same bro. I am religious though. Death is one of the most comforting thoughts to me.Β 

Aug 17, 2021 - 12:30am

Just wondering, what's the culture of your analyst class? I became really good friends with my peers when I was an analyst. If you think about it, you're all working long ass hours so realistically, you're all limited in terms of social life. A large number of your social interactions will be with one another and you already have a decent amount of common ground (commiserating over how much your seniors/clients/lawyers/support staff/etc fuck you lollll).Β 

Aug 17, 2021 - 7:22am

The analyst class aren't total assholes, but most of them are already friends in different cliques. Sometimes I just feel "scared" to go beyond my limits and befriend them, what if I mess something up at work? etc

Again, I recognise it's my own problem that I don't relate too much to people, and I don't know what to do about this honestly.

Aug 17, 2021 - 8:04am

Get a girlfriend. You will be a stellar boyfriend: Doesn't go out with the boys and has only her chat opened in WhatsApp. When she asks you if you have any friends, you tell her that you left all your friends to give 100% to the relationship.Β 

Cons: Shitty posts on IG about her marvelous boyfriend, maybe marriage after some years. Pros: Infinite BJs.

P.S. When she starts to get suspicious and questions arise, put 130 work weeks and answer "busy now".Β 

  • Associate 1 in PE - LBOs
Aug 17, 2021 - 8:17am

Very few women (normal/good ones anyway) will want to date a pessimist and cynic of this degree, let alone marry. He has some work to do on himself. Once he's turned that around though with career in hand, he'll absolutely be a catch.Β 

Aug 17, 2021 - 8:37am

He just need to meet a woman who's life statement is "Behind every successful man there is a woman". There are plenty of those out there. Maybe no chances with a 10/10, but a 7 or 8 is attainable as long as he cautiously opens his problems. Even a temporary relationship will be helpful as it will allow him to develop his social and emotional side. Some attract women with their charisma and social skills meanwhile OP will attract a partner with his professional status which in big cities works well.

  • Intern in IB - Restr
Aug 17, 2021 - 8:37am

100% correct. However I don't think OP is an unadulterated heap of pessimism tbh. If he was truly pessimistic he wouldn't reach that far career wise. I think it's just a combination of apathy and anxiety, developing from past wounds, which is becoming more common especially among young men. "I don't even try anymore" is a terrifying thing to read, but it might signal they're just accepting solitude on account of just getting used to it (they shouldn't!!).

I know guys who have this acceptance propriety, I had an older brother who was severely anxious. Like OP, he could barely speak. People mistook that for being tough and confident, which is hilariously poetic. I think OP should definitely try dating like this commenter suggested. But also work on these negative feelings, because unless someone loves themselves no one will love them

Aug 17, 2021 - 8:19am

Wanna know what's way worse? Being with someone who makes you feel even lonelier than when you were alone.

heister:

Look at all these wannabe richies hating on an expensive salad.

https://arthuxtable.com/
  • 2
Aug 19, 2021 - 1:30pm

Harsh bro

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

  • Prospect in IB-M&A
Aug 17, 2021 - 11:22am

I recommend reading/listening to Models by Mark Manson. Helped change my perspective and make friends. Not too long!

  • Analyst 1 in IB - Cov
Aug 17, 2021 - 4:35pm

Funny you mention this - was gonna reccomend Subtle are of not giving an F by him too just for general life advice / philosophy

  • Prospect in IB-M&A
Aug 17, 2021 - 5:58pm

While much of the book is about romantic relationships, the underlying messages about personal identity, self worth and how any type of relationship works have broad application. I think his other books are decent, but this was the best.

  • Analyst 2 in IB-M&A
Aug 18, 2021 - 1:12pm

Idk if it helps but am in similar position. On the outside it looks like I have it all but am so lonely. I even kind of look like I have friends but our relationships are so shallow and I know that they don't actually care about me.

Anyhow what I wanted to say was that I read this thing yesterday about how loneliness is like a vicious circle, bc when you're lonely you start looking for excuses not to see/meet other ppl because it's outside your comfort zone, partly by classing them either as inferior ('ew why would I want to hang out with them') or superior ('i'd never be good enough to hang with them') to yourself. And I guess part of breaking the cycle is just trying to connect with someone, and realising that we're all imperfect complicated people running round in a crazy world trying to make it work. Know this is easier said than done, especially in IB when let's face it most of the ppl you meet are narcissistic psychos.

Good luck anyhow and if you're in London hmu bc I need new friends.

Aug 18, 2021 - 2:46pm

Hi Philippa99

I am so sorry to hear how hard things are for you, it sounds very painful.Β  Loneliness and feeling like an outsider are agonizing emotions.Β  What you are experiencing sort of feeds on itself - your loneliness makes you feel isolated and your isolation makes everything feel all the more bleak.

It also sounds like you are beating the crap out of yourself on top of it all.Β  I know what that is like - I do it too.

I will talk with you, if you want.

And I did want to commend you for something - you did take a step.Β  You posted this, you expressed yourself.Β  You did something difficult and it might lead to the next thing.Β  Maybe this point was your rock bottom.Β  I love rock bottoms because that's when things start to get better.

Aug 19, 2021 - 11:56am

Do you have a passion? If not, you need to find one. I know what you are going through and it gets better. Just find what you love to do and do it, as much as you can. The right people and person (lover) will find their way to you.Β 

Aug 19, 2021 - 1:17pm

Loneliness is a natural consequence of the specialized, socially-atomizing society we live in brought about by cosmopolitan, liberal globalized capitalism.

That loneliness you are feeling is the loneliness that comes from not living in an organic, rooted community. Everyone is just a consumer.

"Work ethic, work ethic" - Vince Vaughn

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  • Analyst 1 in IB - Cov
Aug 19, 2021 - 2:52pm

In same position as you. Been living in a new city for about a year now. Absolutely no friends. Each attempt to go on dates, make friends, reach out to people, etc is met with ghosting, cancellation, failures, and general pushing back by people in said new city. Has been extremely difficult and I fear for my mental health come winter time when I am locked up in an apartment further isolating me and pushing the loneliness to an extreme.

I just work, go to the gym, read, and sleep. Day in and day out. Still debating whether this is a me issue (stroke of bad luck or something deeper) or this city sucks. Therapy did not help and was a waste of time.

Sucks being 24 and having no one in life.

  • Analyst 1 in IB - Cov
Aug 19, 2021 - 9:36pm

Too afraid of telling them how I feel or letting them know I have failed. I actually am very worried about winter and might quit the second snow starts falling just to move back in with the parents.

Nov 11, 2021 - 4:54am

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Nov 13, 2021 - 1:35am

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