New Shit List: Apartment Building

Fear The Bulge's picture
Rank: King Kong | 1,849

Holy shit. I had no idea a few minor complaints about the gym would turn into my most popular post of all time. That's like if Drake were still best known for his role on Degrassi (should probably add "no homo" here, so...no homo).

Since you monkeys latched onto that so fast, let me present another set of Golden Asshole awards to the following people in my building who make my life slightly less charmed than I deserve, given that I am the most attractive, coolest, and overall best person living here.

I am not going to put Novak on this list, since he's super entertaining, but dude is officially on watch. As for everyone else, here is my shit list:

1) Dogs

I'll probably catch a lot of shit for saying this, but SURPRISE! I don't give a fuck. Having a dog in Manhattan is insane. Either you have shit tons of money for the upkeep and space or you have no qualms with abusing an animal. Having a dog in general, I don't really get either. Picking up shit with only a thin layer of plastic between your hand and said shit is disgusting. Dogs shed, they smell, I do not want to take the time to brush your dog's hair off my Brioni trousers and wash my hand after its fecal matter-laden tongue greets my palm and wrist. My building used to have a "no pets" policy, but guess who spearheaded the effort to change it to a "small dogs allowed" policy? Number two.

2) Eleanor Carter Waldorf

This is an obviously made-up pseudonym for the octogenarian widow who needs to kick the bucket already so I can move up on the parking spot waiting list (which is a joke - a person who gets on the list now is looking at a five year wait). She cannot drive, because she is old as balls. Her boat of a Mercedes is collecting dust and notes from management to pay up, which she likely cannot read due to the blindness that comes with being at death's door. Plus, she is likely the tattletale that has me on high alert at the gym that is part of the building. PLUS, she has no fewer than six Pomeranians that get tangled together in the hallway and cause traffic jams. If I could convince her to write me into her will, I could probably retire in the next five years, depending on whether she dies of natural causes or I kill her. This bitch is a giant herpes sore on the face of this building.

3) Most children

Some kids are cute. Most kids are not. Even cute ones are annoying. They scream for literally no reason. I only scream in the hallway when I am blackout drunk and it's usually during daylight hours when nobody's around. Kids get to scream in the hallway everyday with impunity. Call me jealous, or a misanthrope, whatever, I don't care. Next kid that I see running and screaming down the hall is getting clotheslined.

4) Chinese robots

I don't care that they are Chinese, okay, liberals? But they refuse to have an English conversation or make any eye contact. How the fuck do these people function at their American jobs well enough to be as ridiculously loaded as they are? Seriously, can someone actually answer this?

5) Unknown ghost who lived in this unit at some point before me

He clearly died here and is now haunting it. More on this in a different post.

Comments (31)

Feb 13, 2017

The pothead in the unit next to mine, the crap he smokes smells horrible.

"There are only two opinions in this world: Mine and the wrong one." -Jeremy Clarkson

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Feb 13, 2017

That might be one of my best buds (no pun intended)

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Best Response
Feb 13, 2017

keep em coming FTB.

echoing dogs, and I live in the south. train your fucking animal.

not a manhattan issue most likely, but we all have outside parking, I cannot fucking stand the dumb daddy's money girl who always parks her range rover in 1.25 spaces. it's like yeah, she tried to fit in one space, but she's such a shitty driver that by the time she pulled in, that ariana grande song was just getting to the good part, and then she realized the bachelor is on tonight, so she can't be bothered to park it again. and now I risk getting dents on my door, pissing off the next driver (domino effect), or having to shrink my body down to 5% normal size. I'm already single digit body fat sister, how about you learn to park.

special summertime hate: bro that always says what's up to you, even though you've never met (perhaps this is the equivalent of "erik"). look, just because we share the same acre doesn't mean we're friends. say hello to me, generate normal conversation like a regular human, but don't just feign interest and then stare at my wife when it's bikini season and we're by the pool. go back home and jerk off to hannah montana.

also hate our "community manager." no, I do not want to be a part of wine wednesdays, no I do not want to watch a movie with others that live here, no I do not want to come hang out at the office for 15 minutes to get some free candy. how about you stop all that bullshit and lower my rent with the money you save?

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Feb 13, 2017

Better than OP. SB'd

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Feb 13, 2017

100% spot on with the community manager BS. I will say that my apartment gave a heavenly assortment for the holidays.

...

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Feb 13, 2017

Where in the south?

Feb 13, 2017

I like to keep that ambiguous, I'm in the southeast (ga/Carolinas/va)

Feb 13, 2017

Eriks are everywhere!

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Feb 13, 2017

Fuck dogs. Hair shedding, shit, piss, stink, slobber, tearing up my stuff, wanting attention....no thanks. I really don't get the appeal. I'd rather have a pig, at least they can be turned into bacon.

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Feb 13, 2017
DickFuld:

Hair shedding, shit, piss, stink, slobber, tearing up my stuff, wanting attention....no thanks

is that really the best way to talk about your wife

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Feb 13, 2017
thebrofessor:

is that really the best way to talk about your wife

Dear lord that man has a family

"This world, it is a tempest sometimes. But remember, the sun always rises again."
-- Brandon Sanderson

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Feb 13, 2017

You leave Chris P. Bacon out of this.

Feb 13, 2017
thebrofessor:

DickFuld:Hair shedding, shit, piss, stink, slobber, tearing up my stuff, wanting attention....no thanks

is that really the best way to talk about your wife

Don't be ridiculous. My wife is fully shaved.

If her ass was a New York City restaurant, you could eat out her butthole and the city inspector would give it an 'A' rating. All of you virgins would give it an A+.

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Feb 14, 2017

you're on fire today

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Feb 14, 2017
thebrofessor:

DickFuld:Hair shedding, shit, piss, stink, slobber, tearing up my stuff, wanting attention....no thanks

is that really the best way to talk about your wife

Would SB if Bad Bad @AndyLouis did not stop us innocent posters from rewarding our finest commentators! SO UNFAIR! THE RIGHTS OF THE WSO POSTER ARE AT STAKE!

GoldenCinderblock: "I keep spending all my money on exotic fish so my armor sucks. Is it possible to romance multiple females? I got with the blue chick so far but I am also interested in the electronic chick and the face mask chick."

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Feb 13, 2017

mmmmmm, bacon!!!

Feb 14, 2017

.

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Feb 13, 2017

A few answers to your question to #4:
1) they might be just FOY (Fresh of the Yacht) instead of FOB (Fresh of the Boat)
2) if they were FOB, they probably own small businesses and save a lot
3) imagine the other way around if you were in China > who is this loud American who won't give me my personal space > constantly starring at me > speaking in language that I don't understand > way too over friendly > is he trying to rob me?

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Feb 15, 2017
Naoki Hanzawa:

A few answers to your question to #4:1) they might be just FOY (Fresh of the Yacht) instead of FOB (Fresh of the Boat)2) if they were FOB, they probably own small businesses and save a lot3) imagine the other way around if you were in China > who is this loud American who won't give me my personal space > constantly starring at me > speaking in language that I don't understand > way too over friendly > is he trying to rob me?

I don't remember the concept of personal space existing in China. Everyone stands so close together it's ridiculous. People have 0 problems breathing down your neck...when there is ample f*cking space around.

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Feb 13, 2017

wow that point about asians really resonated with me. I go to a school chalk full of them and the only way i have ever been able to articulate my impression about them is that they look like they hate all other races.

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Feb 14, 2017

I hope the ghost of ECW rides a Chinese robo-dog straight into your apartment bites your balls off.

Feb 14, 2017

The 'Robots' are new money from China. They make nothing here in the US. All family money on the back of a horrible economy.

Feb 14, 2017

I'll give you 32 anecdotal data points. The "robots" are literally people who won the land lottery in various parts of Asia, but mostly China. We utilize the EB-5 program for a couple of our projects here in the US, so I have been able to meet a few. Wealthy foreigners can invest 500K - 1M, create 10 US jobs, and move to the US first on a green card and then eventually citizenship.

A typical investor of ours will sell their existing home(s) in China, moves their entire family to the USA, purchase a $1M-$5M home or penthouse in an affluent area, buy a Bentley, Ferrari or (insert 6 figure car), and still have many millions left in the bank.

I was chatting with one of my investors casually not too long ago and he told me that he recently sold one of his homes for $18,000 USD per m2. He has 6 more of those in China in his arsenal.

And that, my friend, is your new obnoxious new rich Chinese money right there.

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Feb 16, 2017

New money Chinese make the term 'nouveau-riche' seem like a compliment in comparison.

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Feb 14, 2017

Posted twice. Edited and removed.

Feb 16, 2017

Kids are a big reason we moved out of our apartment. I really do not need to hear somebodies child screaming at 3 am.

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Feb 20, 2017
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Feb 21, 2017
Comment

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.