Holy shit. I had no idea a few minor complaints about the gym would turn into my most popular post of all time. That's like if Drake were still best known for his role on Degrassi (should probably add "no homo" here, so...no homo).
Since you monkeys latched onto that so fast, let me present another set of Golden Asshole awards to the following people in my building who make my life slightly less charmed than I deserve, given that I am the most attractive, coolest, and overall best person living here.
I am not going to put Novak on this list, since he's super entertaining, but dude is officially on watch. As for everyone else, here is my shit list:
I'll probably catch a lot of shit for saying this, but SURPRISE! I don't give a fuck. Having a dog in Manhattan is insane. Either you have shit tons of money for the upkeep and space or you have no qualms with abusing an animal. Having a dog in general, I don't really get either. Picking up shit with only a thin layer of plastic between your hand and said shit is disgusting. Dogs shed, they smell, I do not want to take the time to brush your dog's hair off my Brioni trousers and wash my hand after its fecal matter-laden tongue greets my palm and wrist. My building used to have a "no pets" policy, but guess who spearheaded the effort to change it to a "small dogs allowed" policy? Number two.
2) Eleanor Carter Waldorf
This is an obviously made-up pseudonym for the octogenarian widow who needs to kick the bucket already so I can move up on the parking spot waiting list (which is a joke - a person who gets on the list now is looking at a five year wait). She cannot drive, because she is old as balls. Her boat of a Mercedes is collecting dust and notes from management to pay up, which she likely cannot read due to the blindness that comes with being at death's door. Plus, she is likely the tattletale that has me on high alert at the gym that is part of the building. PLUS, she has no fewer than six Pomeranians that get tangled together in the hallway and cause traffic jams. If I could convince her to write me into her will, I could probably retire in the next five years, depending on whether she dies of natural causes or I kill her. This bitch is a giant herpes sore on the face of this building.
3) Most children
Some kids are cute. Most kids are not. Even cute ones are annoying. They scream for literally no reason. I only scream in the hallway when I am blackout drunk and it's usually during daylight hours when nobody's around. Kids get to scream in the hallway everyday with impunity. Call me jealous, or a misanthrope, whatever, I don't care. Next kid that I see running and screaming down the hall is getting clotheslined.
4) Chinese robots
I don't care that they are Chinese, okay, liberals? But they refuse to have an English conversation or make any eye contact. How the fuck do these people function at their American jobs well enough to be as ridiculously loaded as they are? Seriously, can someone actually answer this?
5) Unknown ghost who lived in this unit at some point before me
He clearly died here and is now haunting it. More on this in a different post.