Ranking the Douchiest People You Will Meet On Wall Street by Where They Went To Undergrad
Update: See the Non-Target Edition here.
The HPY Kiss Ass:
Imagine this: The entire analyst class has to sit through an hour long information session with the Compliance team. There is really no need for this, other than the fact that every other important group at your firm got to present to the analysts, so now it's Compliance's turn to feel important. You're hungover, have to shit and the lecture finally winds down, exactly one hour in. You're thanking Christ that it's all over so you can go back to browsing Twitter on the stool - when suddenly the black-frame glasses wearing Analyst, who has been intently writing notes in his notebook the entire meeting, raises his hand and asks a stupid round of questions that ends up making the entire waste-of-time take an additional thirty minutes, just so everyone knows that he was paying attention and is intellectually engaged.
Congratulations, you've encountered your first HPY Kiss-Ass.
The HPY Kiss-Ass is the first person to raise his hand to introduce himself to the rest of the analyst class, and typically mentions every investment club he was apart of in undergrad, along with the fact that he day-trades in his freetime and is currently up 43% on the year due to a new international arbitrage strategy he programmed. The HPY Kiss-Ass will make menial changes to your work during group projects, just so he can feel in control of the project. He will talk over you in every meeting when presenting your work, and will take charge of any stupid philanthropy or other non-essential project that is lobbed to the Analyst class throughout the course of your tenure. The key is to allow the HPY Kiss-Ass to fall on his sword. Chances are, he'll end up doing 70% of your work for you and will take 100% of the blame when something goes wrong.
The UVA Guy:
The UVA Guy is something of an anomaly. He's generally the only guy in the room that went to a public college, except for the other UVA Guys sitting around the table, yet he seems the least nervous. He's the least hard worker, yet the most well liked by the Senior Analysts. The first Friday of your SA stint he showed up looking hungover and red-eyed, yet to the dismay of the HPY Kiss-Asses, he's already developed a series of inside jokes with the FT Analysts.
The UVA Guy will be the only one to not show up to the SA happy hour after work, because he has better plans to go hang out with his fraternity brothers from undergrad. Monday morning, while you're updating spreadsheets and checking market activity, you can hear the UVA Guy yelling about sports to your boss, and you wonder why he's the only one who never seems to have enough work to do.
The Sheltered Kid From Dartmouth/Columbia/Williams/Amherst:
The Sheltered Kid seems shy, but deep down he is really just dripping with contempt for your shallow finance education and bourgeois tendencies. The Sheltered Kid rejects the UVA Guy's attempt to engage in conversations about sports or alcohol. In fact, sports, alcohol and fun are among the most loathsome activities the Sheltered Kid can think of. He prefers drinking glasses of red wine that the UVA Guy cannot pronounce, while at candle-lit French restaurants with his other liberal arts friends.
Nobody knows about the Sheltered Kid's background, other than that he lives by himself because he cannot stand the way the presence of others clouds his intellectual energy. He allegedly also can play the clarinet really well, although the one time he mentioned it, the UVA Guy snickered to his other UVA Guy friend, so he went back to quietly mulling over how un-intellectual everyone else in the room is.
The Group of Asians From MIT and Carnegie Mellon:
This group of 3 or 4 Asians prefer to stick amongst each other and speak in Mandarin. They eat lunch together, sit next to each other at meetings and develop selective mutism when their counterparts are not around them. They are great to be stuck with in elevators because unlike the HPY Kiss-Asses, they wont try to impress you by talking about recent market activity, nor will they ask you if you saw the UVA basketball game last night.
The Golden Child From UPenn:
The Golden Child is somewhere between the UVA Guy and the HPY Kiss-Ass. Hailing from Wharton, he has clearly been taught by his undergraduate career services advisors how to act in business gatherings. He takes notes every so often during information sessions, but he wont actually go back and read them like the HPY Kiss-Ass. He can talk sports with the UVA Guy, but he rolls his eyes when the conversation strays into the UVA Guy's recount of how blacked out he was last night.
Moreover, the UPenn Golden Child seems to be the only living creature with a non-liberal arts degree that the Sheltered Kid doesn't display contempt for. "You know, you and I are the only ones in this Analyst class that aren't total fucking brainlets" the Sheltered Kid may mention to him, without making eye contact. The Golden Child is the best partner to work with on a project. He's a reluctant leader that will take charge when he has to, but prefers letting the HPY Kiss-Ass wear himself out by doing it anyway. The UPenn guy is the only guy who can genuinely go out on a Thursday night and drink one or two beers while still making it home by midnight.