Ranking the Douchiest People You Will Meet On Wall Street by Where They Went To Undergrad

PrestigeCaller's picture
Rank: King Kong | banana points 1,649

Update: See the Non-Target Edition here.

The HPY Kiss Ass:

Imagine this: The entire analyst class has to sit through an hour long information session with the Compliance team. There is really no need for this, other than the fact that every other important group at your firm got to present to the analysts, so now it's Compliance's turn to feel important. You're hungover, have to shit and the lecture finally winds down, exactly one hour in. You're thanking Christ that it's all over so you can go back to browsing Twitter on the stool - when suddenly the black-frame glasses wearing Analyst, who has been intently writing notes in his notebook the entire meeting, raises his hand and asks a stupid round of questions that ends up making the entire waste-of-time take an additional thirty minutes, just so everyone knows that he was paying attention and is intellectually engaged.

Congratulations, you've encountered your first HPY Kiss-Ass.

The HPY Kiss-Ass is the first person to raise his hand to introduce himself to the rest of the analyst class, and typically mentions every investment club he was apart of in undergrad, along with the fact that he day-trades in his freetime and is currently up 43% on the year due to a new international arbitrage strategy he programmed. The HPY Kiss-Ass will make menial changes to your work during group projects, just so he can feel in control of the project. He will talk over you in every meeting when presenting your work, and will take charge of any stupid philanthropy or other non-essential project that is lobbed to the Analyst class throughout the course of your tenure. The key is to allow the HPY Kiss-Ass to fall on his sword. Chances are, he'll end up doing 70% of your work for you and will take 100% of the blame when something goes wrong.

The UVA Guy:

The UVA Guy is something of an anomaly. He's generally the only guy in the room that went to a public college, except for the other UVA Guys sitting around the table, yet he seems the least nervous. He's the least hard worker, yet the most well liked by the Senior Analysts. The first Friday of your SA stint he showed up looking hungover and red-eyed, yet to the dismay of the HPY Kiss-Asses, he's already developed a series of inside jokes with the FT Analysts.

The UVA Guy will be the only one to not show up to the SA happy hour after work, because he has better plans to go hang out with his fraternity brothers from undergrad. Monday morning, while you're updating spreadsheets and checking market activity, you can hear the UVA Guy yelling about sports to your boss, and you wonder why he's the only one who never seems to have enough work to do.

The Sheltered Kid From Dartmouth/Columbia/Williams/Amherst:

The Sheltered Kid seems shy, but deep down he is really just dripping with contempt for your shallow finance education and bourgeois tendencies. The Sheltered Kid rejects the UVA Guy's attempt to engage in conversations about sports or alcohol. In fact, sports, alcohol and fun are among the most loathsome activities the Sheltered Kid can think of. He prefers drinking glasses of red wine that the UVA Guy cannot pronounce, while at candle-lit French restaurants with his other liberal arts friends.

Nobody knows about the Sheltered Kid's background, other than that he lives by himself because he cannot stand the way the presence of others clouds his intellectual energy. He allegedly also can play the clarinet really well, although the one time he mentioned it, the UVA Guy snickered to his other UVA Guy friend, so he went back to quietly mulling over how un-intellectual everyone else in the room is.

The Group of Asians From MIT and Carnegie Mellon:

This group of 3 or 4 Asians prefer to stick amongst each other and speak in Mandarin. They eat lunch together, sit next to each other at meetings and develop selective mutism when their counterparts are not around them. They are great to be stuck with in elevators because unlike the HPY Kiss-Asses, they wont try to impress you by talking about recent market activity, nor will they ask you if you saw the UVA basketball game last night.

The Golden Child From UPenn:

The Golden Child is somewhere between the UVA Guy and the HPY Kiss-Ass. Hailing from Wharton, he has clearly been taught by his undergraduate career services advisors how to act in business gatherings. He takes notes every so often during information sessions, but he wont actually go back and read them like the HPY Kiss-Ass. He can talk sports with the UVA Guy, but he rolls his eyes when the conversation strays into the UVA Guy's recount of how blacked out he was last night.

Moreover, the UPenn Golden Child seems to be the only living creature with a non-liberal arts degree that the Sheltered Kid doesn't display contempt for. "You know, you and I are the only ones in this Analyst class that aren't total fucking brainlets" the Sheltered Kid may mention to him, without making eye contact. The Golden Child is the best partner to work with on a project. He's a reluctant leader that will take charge when he has to, but prefers letting the HPY Kiss-Ass wear himself out by doing it anyway. The UPenn guy is the only guy who can genuinely go out on a Thursday night and drink one or two beers while still making it home by midnight.

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Comments (74)

Feb 15, 2018

The Notre Dame Cult

Concisely, these guys are overly obsessed with their alma mater and the only thing they can talk about when together is ND football. Lot of them are douchebags. Have similar tendencies as those from UVA, Georgetown, Duke. It's a cult in South Bend.

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Feb 15, 2018

When I wrote about the UVA guy I definitely had Georgetown and Duke in mind too.

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Feb 15, 2018

Kids from ND will tell you within the first couple of minutes of conversion that they went to ND without you even asking. Absolute cult.

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Feb 15, 2018
TippyTop11:

Kids from ND will tell you within the first couple of minutes of conversion that they went to ND without you even asking. Absolute cult.

Do you tell people you work in LBO PE when you first meet them?

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Feb 17, 2018

Truth!

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May 24, 2018
TippyTop11:

Kids from ND will tell you within the first couple of minutes of conversion that they went to ND without you even asking. Absolute cult.

They really do. My grandfather played quarterback for ND. They get starry eyes every time I tell them that. Especially the older guys. If we are near a computer they will rush to google his name and reminisce about how football used to be and the development of the sport in general and at ND. So sometimes I hold my tongue as that is usually the most boring 30 minutes of your life, unless you're into that stuff.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

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Jun 20, 2018

It's crazy. I'd like to meet one normal person from that school that's my age before I die.

Feb 15, 2018

This is great! What about Canadians though?

EDIT: didnt see title said "douchiest" nvm

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Feb 15, 2018

replace UPenn Golden Child with Ivey HBA Golden Child

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Feb 20, 2018

LOL can we do canadian edition with UBC, Waterloo, Rotman, Schulich, Queens, McGill and the rest?

Funniest
Feb 25, 2018

no because no one gives a shit about canada

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Feb 25, 2018

Fuck off and OD on maple syrup already!

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Feb 15, 2018

wharton guys I have met are more like how you've described HYP people. they know more about finance than you and they want to make sure you know it. HYP kids who end up in finance tend to be more chill

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Feb 15, 2018

OP, based on your descriptions, I'm guessing you're a golden child from UPenn.

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Feb 15, 2018

Uva

Feb 23, 2018

I tried to SB you and accidently threw MS.. thought that the entire time reading paragraph and contemplated not finishing it. But then again, I'm the UVA guy

Edit: spelling

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Feb 23, 2018

I appreciate the attempt at giving me an SB though!

Feb 16, 2018

Saying UPenn shows lack of sophistication. Everyone who is really in-the-know calls the school Penn. UPenn is reserved for use only in the company of unsophisticated peasants in order to prevent the dreaded confusion with PSU. When in the company of fellow ivy grads and other elitists of that sort, a Penn grad can safely say Penn. A certain amount of well-conceiled insecurity and anxiety about this whole name debacle never leaves him though.

The Harvard kiss-ass shares a lot of traits with his YP counterparts but deserves a separate mention. He appears to be either unabashedly arrogant or nauseatingly modest but even in the latter case manages to be more conceited, extra and eye-roll-inducing that anyone else.

YP kids have mastered the art of ever-so-subtly reminding the non-HYP ivy kids that they are actually plebs while masterfully concealing their own insecurity towards Harvard.

Finally, you forgot the two stepchildren of the ivy league, Brown and Cornell, which anyway proves my point. Some Brown and Cornell kids can be douchey but in general they are just very happy to be there against all odds. No easy feat making it to WS from a hybrid state school or the bastion of trustafarians, laziness, softness and leftist ideology.

Other than that I find your descriptions to be quite accurate lol.

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Feb 16, 2018

"hybrid state school"

haha perfect

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Feb 21, 2018

There's certainly a distinction between Penn-Wharton and Penn-SAS on WS, yes? Please elaborate on that. Do the SAS alums live in shaking fear someone will ask if they went to Wharton?

Feb 23, 2018

no, we don't - we get the same jobs

I hit the ball as hard as I can. If I can find it, I hit it again - John Daly

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Feb 25, 2018
The_Real_McCoyy:

no, we don't - we get the same jobs

UPennn SAS students work at Edward Jones and tell their high-school friends that they work on the buy-side. #ViewsFromTheCuckShed

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Mar 5, 2018

Eh, all SAS kids I know are working in tech. Think you mistook SAS for your PSU alma mater.

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Mar 4, 2018

The distinction is there but usually gets blown out of proportion. The best comparison would be the distinction people make between Harvard vs Yale. It is there but not huge. Still, the best way to make a Penn CAS or SEAS person hate you is probably to ask them if they went to Wharton after they have already told you they went to Penn. A bit of underlying insecurity is always there. Not too different from a Yalie's insecurity towards Harvard.

What happens with recruiting is that non-Wharton Penn is not on par with HYP+Wharton. Still, I d say it is right below. Tons of non-Wharton Penn kids get great WS jobs and they tend to know their stuff because usually they have taken tons of Wharton classes and been involved in Wharton clubs.

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Jun 7, 2018

haha

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Best Response
Feb 16, 2018

Somewhere in all of this is the Villanova dude that went to an all boys high school and still can't talk to girls because of it and wears his padded vest to work everyday at a botique M&A shop

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Feb 16, 2018

Holy fuckin' shit.

"Work ethic, work ethic" - Vince Vaughn
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Feb 20, 2018

The padded vest just says so many things about one's personality.

Feb 20, 2018

Are you stupid?

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Feb 21, 2018

Boys will be boys, but LaSalle boys will be gentleman

Gimme the loot

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Dec 2, 2018

Can confirm

Feb 16, 2018

lol this is hilarious

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Feb 17, 2018

non target checking in for SA, ill keep my mouth shut and try not say anything stupid.

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Feb 17, 2018

lol saving this

Feb 20, 2018

Clearly the OP is a Wharton grad

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Feb 20, 2018

You're a community college grad

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Feb 20, 2018

he is actually uva i think based in his other posts. and sadly no one says wharton grad anymore. It was already kinda douchey saying wharton grad instead of penn grad pre-donald but after donald it is a no-go zone. he spoiled it for all of us.

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Feb 21, 2018

Was obvious. Op thinks uva is right below HPY...

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Feb 20, 2018

LSE grads can be pretty bad imo.

And I'm saying that as a future one!

Feb 21, 2018

Wait till you meet the try-hard Warwick ones haha

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Feb 20, 2018

So which one are you?

Feb 20, 2018
The Deputy:

So which one are you?

Hopefully not one! ;)

Feb 20, 2018

Interested in the European version of this

Feb 20, 2018

The Sheltered Kid From Dartmouth/Columbia/Williams/Amherst:

The Sheltered Kid rejects the UVA Guy's attempt to engage in conversations about sports or alcohol. In fact, sports, alcohol and fun are among the most loathsome activities the Sheltered Kid can think of. He prefers drinking glasses of red wine that the UVA Guy cannot pronounce, while at candle-lit French restaurants with his other liberal arts friends.

I can't imagine this description to ever apply to a Dartmouth kid.

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Feb 21, 2018

Agree. Not sure there's such a thing as a sheltered kid at any of those schools. Definitely not at Dartmouth.

Jun 20, 2018

My Dartmouth friends have described it as an incestuous, drunken dystopia...definitely didn't get a sheltered vibe from their stories lol

Feb 20, 2018

The rich white kid whose parent's were able to essentially buy him a solid education despite the kid being an under performer, and thus studies at one of those mediocre, solid but not selective private school for rich kids like Hobart, Skidmore, Bucknell, Richmond, Rollins College, Sewanee, Loyola Maryland, College of Charleston, Gettysburg College, Trinity, etc. This kid dresses well, has nice hair, knows how to behave among upper management and is one of the good boys, yet knows jack shit about finance.

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Feb 21, 2018

Haha, as a Trinity student, I can say this is almost hurtfully accurate. Although I'd say it's not entirely accurate to equate HWS and Gettysburg with the rest you mentioned. * no offense or whatever *

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Feb 21, 2018

U will be a janitor..

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Feb 21, 2018

Take it easy there, big fella.

Feb 22, 2018

Nothing wrong with being a janitor bub

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Feb 21, 2018

Richest old money kid I know went to Hobart.

Feb 21, 2018

I believe it, the kids there are all loaded, it isn't quite as selective, though. That's not to say it isn't a great school. Beautiful campus too.

Feb 21, 2018

What about the kids from NYU, Michigan, UT Austin, Stanford, Berkeley, and UCLA?

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Feb 22, 2018

Bump. Want to see the non-target that doesn't forget to tell you how hard their journey was.

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Feb 22, 2018

When I read stuff like this it makes me sick but I have to laugh because I know it is spawned from ignorance. Education is one of the most important skills someone can acquire. Whether you acquire an associates degree from your community college or a PhD from Harvard it is an accomplishent. It shows you set long terms goals and achieve them. It is good for the economy and it is helps everyone.

Not every one like most BOMS think they are going to pass the CFA exam and manage the Magellan Fund. That is comical.

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Feb 23, 2018

Yes but the reality is high performance jobs have a disproportionately large amount of the massively insecure overachievers. Let's not forget the Goldman HR practices that target individuals who exhibit low amounts of self esteem with long track records of success. In conjunction btw.

Pedigree is a great starting point for people to get an idea of you and your potential. But it is not the be all end all. Let's not forget Einstein's education, or lack thereof. The college system in many ways is a modernized expensive day care. Most material is within reach at a typically inexpensive cost and most bright minds can be tapped into via biographies and or videos all over the web. But our society is lazy, and finds a formalized four year structure is the most effective. We all know this, it's no surprise. We also know that 90% of those at top tier universities were statistically incredibly fortunate. Typically brought up in relatively nice environments, with the luck of not having horribly debilitating disabilities. However, the entitlement persists.

The sad thing though is that those who define themselves by their pedigree or current employment set their foundation on weak bedrock. The minute you lose your job, do you become nothing? Are you defined only by your past? Is it genuinely how you define yourself as a person.

Having gone to a target which I chose to exhibit massive gratitude towards the whole experience, I feel bad for those that define themselves of this as not only does it support the continuation of a shallow form of self worth but it also further perpetuates the pissing contest that lives in many corners of the Wall Street community.

Cheers though! Can't change most minds, and judgement is a burden best left elsewhere!

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Feb 23, 2018

It's a perpetuation of the Wall Street pissing contest. Unfortunately, many forget how statistically lucky they are. Gratitude becomes dismal in the face of greed and pride. To have the opportunity, let alone the ability (the absences of disability) is an incredible blessing.

Having gone to a target I chose to not define my self worth by it because I realize the great fortunate that it was to attend it. Most kids who crush the standardized tests were prepared to do so, whether through tutors, or just overbearing parents. I try to Keep in mind some kids don't have either.

Accomplishments or lack thereof are too often defined and measured when compared to others. "Oh you graduated from community college? Well I went to Yale!" "Oh you work on Wall Street? So what?! I just sold an app for 20 million and wake up at noon!"

There's always a bigger or smaller fish. Defining yourself on pedigree or relative accomplishments not only perpetuates the external pissing contest that exists on Wall Street, but it creates a shallow internal bedrock of your own existence. What happens if you get fired? Is that it? Does life end? Of course not. But the same prideful thinking that makes some resent others is the same thinking that creates the most devastating falls.

Gratitude has a tough time existing in the presence of greed, pride or envy.

But try not to let it bother you. I've found the burden of being sad that this culture exists is one best left behind.

But these are just thoughts from me, an anonymous person on the internet.

Cheers! :)

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Feb 22, 2018

Phil from Arizona State, only got in because Drew, the resident asshole at your firm thought he was, super sick.

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Feb 23, 2018

Few others:

  1. The Harvard bro. For shits and gigs, convinced people he was in a secret society at school. Likely to make up tons of stuff, but shit he went to Harvard who can prove him wrong?
  2. The state school kid who looks down at his school more than the people from Ivy's. Everyone thinks he's smart and that it's impressive he got a Wall Street job while still having fun at a state school, but he feels weird about it. Why are you mad?
  3. The CS kid. Smart as hell, definitely has a photographic memory. But, down plays his intelligence in social situations almost to the point where you end up believing "maybe he's not that smart" only to realize his sociopathic tendency for your ass, as he later recites word for word a text book definition on some level of technical analysis.
  4. The addict. What the hell do you do when you get off work? Wait... I actually don't want to know.

Wall Street is a interesting place.

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Feb 23, 2018

Few others:

  1. The Harvard bro. For shits and gigs, convinced people he was in a secret society at school. Likely to make up tons of stuff, but shit he went to Harvard who can prove him wrong?
  2. The state school kid who looks down at his school more than the people from Ivy's. Everyone thinks he's smart and that it's impressive he got a Wall Street job while still having fun at a state school, but he feels weird about it. Why are you mad?
  3. The CS kid. Smart as hell, definitely has a photographic memory. But, down plays his intelligence in social situations almost to the point where you end up believing "maybe he's not that smart" only to realize his sociopathic tendency for your ass, as he later recites word for word a text book definition on some level of technical analysis.
  4. The addict. What the hell do you do when you get off work? Wait... I actually don't want to know.

Wall Street is a interesting place.

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Feb 26, 2018

The state school kids are OBSESSED with going to a t10 MBA program to push their undergrad down their resume. After acquiring an elite MBA they act like they went to undergrad there, e.g. homecomings, attend to hoops and football games, fill their closet with logo sweatshirts & 1/4 zips, root for their sports teams. The day they get into that MBA program all in-person and social media mentions of their state college disappear.

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Jun 12, 2018

Can confirm. I go to an SEC School (Alabama, Mizzou, Ole Miss). Getting alumni on the phone is nearly impossible because the no longer want to associate with their undergraduate degree.

"MM, BB, EB, STD, don't matter to me"

Jun 13, 2018

It is so idiotic that people whom get an MBA try to disassociate themselves from their undergraduate institution. Why are people from the schools OP referenced so disproportionately represented on Wall Street? It's because they have alumni helping kids out and encouraging firms to recruit at those schools. You think someone who was a Comparative Literature major at Dartmouth and got into banking after his HBS MBA is encouraging GS to recruit at Harvard? No he's pulling for the fucking Dartmouth kids.

This is particularly infuriating for alumni of flagship state schools (e.g. UVA, UNC, UCLA). There are tons of smart/motivated kids from those states whom choose state schools over Ivy's/Liberal Arts (Dartmouth, Cornell, Williams) because of in-state tuition. Given the $1.5 trillion student debt crises in this country, you want to implicitly encourage (by rewarding a job/networking) a kid to take on $250k to go to Dartmouth rather than $50k to stay in-state at UNC, because you have a Tuck MBA? What kind of bullshit thinking is that?

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Jun 13, 2018

I completely agree, I find it impossible to understand. I couldn't afford to go to an Ivy or an elite public school because of the tuition. State schools have top talent who are hungry (I may be biased) and these schools tend to have elite programs nestled within their majors for these kids. I work my ass off, grind on technicals every night after I come home from my current internship, yet I cannot get an interview.

"MM, BB, EB, STD, don't matter to me"

Feb 23, 2018

what about uchicago ?

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May 22, 2018

I work in institutional AM with a lot of Booth people. No one attended U of C for UG. So, moot point.

I can tell you, though, that Northwestern grads are the "everyman" of the Midwestern financial world. I think they're purchased in bulk and just dropped into Chicagoland cubicles.

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May 24, 2018
Kneel Cashcarry:

I work in institutional AM with a lot of Booth people. No one attended U of C for UG. So, moot point.

I can tell you, though, that Northwestern grads are the "everyman" of the Midwestern financial world. I think they're purchased in bulk and just dropped into Chicagoland cubicles.

+1 for the username.

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Feb 24, 2018

Do the non-target state school @PrestigeCaller this is hilarious

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Feb 24, 2018

I'll put one together after I get a few beers in me and watch this UVA basketball game.

Shameless UVA guy over here, lmao.

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May 27, 2018
Feb 26, 2018

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.

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Jun 20, 2018
Apr 5, 2018

Array

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