Rate my Cold Email Template

What do you think about this email template for alumni's.

"Hello Mr. Name,

I hope that this email finds you well. My name is [Full Name] and I am a sophomore a [Target University]. At school, I am involved in the Equity Society learning about DCF and fundamental analysis, which has led me to develop an interest in learning about Investment Banking careers on Wall Street. I am currently interning at an Asset Management fund in Philadelphia trying to expose myself to the industry and gain as much experience as I can during the summer. If you have any availability, I would love to have the chance to get on the phone with you and learn more about your experience working at [Firm Name]. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best,
[Full Name]
target 2021"

Any tips would be helpful.

Comments (9)

 
Jun 21, 2018 - 2:49pm

I would cut to the chase quicker - put the request for the call right after ..." I am a sophomore at XY.".
if i were to receive this i'd stop reading and forget about it after the second sentence if i dont know what it's about, just because you often dont have the time to deal with such things during work. However, if i can instantly realize what you're after, without you sounding too demanding/direct, i'd remember who its from and get back to you.
Otherwise i think its fine and you should get some positive responses. I'd also replace DCF and fundamental analysis by corporate valuation. Reason being it makes it sound like you know more than just the two and sounds smoother imho.

Crossing my fingers for you, let us know how it went.
Good luck!

 
Jun 22, 2018 - 10:58am

Thanks. I've been using this by freshman year and got a few responses but looking to increase my respond rate. I'll make the changes and lyk how it goes.

Here what I got:
"I hope that this email finds you well. My name is Name and I am a sophomore at target University . If you have any availability, I would love to have the chance to get on the phone with you and learn more about your experience working at Firm. At school, I am involved in the Equity Society learning different corporate valuation methods, which has led me to develop an interest in Investment Banking careers on Wall Street. I am currently interning at an Asset Management fund in Philadelphia trying to expose myself to the industry and gain as much experience as I can during the summer. I look forward to hearing from you.
"

 
Jun 22, 2018 - 2:23pm

This is very helpful. I think it is much better know with specific examples and how that translate into a passion for IBD. Thanks!

" I hope that this email finds you well. My name is Name and I am a sophomore at target University. If you have any availability, I would love to have the chance to get on the phone with you and learn more about your experience working at Firm. As an equity analyst for my school's investment fund, I used DCF and fundamental analysis to conclude that Analog Devices was undervalued at $86 with a PT of $110 based on its cost saving potentials in the AI space and growth in 5G capabilities. Looking at companies' financials led me to develop an interest in Investment Banking. I am currently interning at [AM Fund] Capital, a $250MM Asset Management Fund in Philadelphia, primarily reaching out to mutual fund managers and analyzing their performance based on alpha generation to add new investment in the firm's portfolio. I really hope we can get in touch."

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