Refusing to Party with Boss -- Bad Move?

I have a friend who's doing a summer internship at a bank (not BB, but a smaller place).

His boss invited a bunch of the employees on his boat July 4th and all was good... until the boss broke out the Old School joint and started getting high.

The joint went around the group, and every employee took a hit... except my friend, who -- when the joint got to him -- politely said "No thanks" (my friend has never done drugs). The boss persisted for a bit, and ribbed my friend for being a wimp, but my friend was staunch in his refusal -- he wasn't gonna get high. Eventually, the boss relented and that was that.

But my friend said ever since then, the boss has a been kind of cold to him at the office. Not outright hostile or anything, but definitely things seem...* off *between the two. Almost like his boss is pissed at him that he didn't partake in the pot.

So now my friend is wondering if he made a major mistake not getting high with the boss -- that maybe he won't get asked back, or even get a bad recommendation that he's not a "team player." (Yeah, that sounds stupid, but that's what he's worried about).

So what's the proper pot protocol when the boss wants you to get high? Or even just get drunk with him, even if you're not a big drinker? Would most of you put aside your principles and just take a toke?

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Comments (90)

Jul 17, 2018

a) if you are in a situation like you described & don't want to partake and end up looking like a douche, try to go to the bathroom to avoid the whole ordeal.
b) if you can't avoid the situation, fake inhale/drink the shot/etc
c) come up with some medical excuse, "I'm on antibiotics and can't drink for 6 days" etc.
d) if you really can't handle a little fun, don't go on a boat and stay home and practice your arithmetic.

But yes. Bad move.

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Jul 28, 2018

Yeah, the medical excuse could be good... I wonder if, for plausibility sake, you might wanna set that up beforehand.
Regarding taking a shot, this same friend of mine was with a girl at a bar once who just would not stop drinking shots... but because he was interested in her and didn't wanna come off as lame, he would throw back shots too... but instead of drinking the shot, he would just fling it over his shoulder, hoping she wouldn't notice. As you can glean, this guy's not much of a partier.

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Jul 17, 2018

Or just say you don't want to smoke again since the boss asked you if you want to smoke again. Why would you look like a douche for saying you don't want to smoke

excel is my canvas, and data is my paint - new york - brunch conesseiour - atheist - centrist - ENFP - TCU alum

Jul 28, 2018

I think my friend is worried he's being perceived as a party (pot) pooper since he was the only one on the boat who refused the joint.

Funniest
Jul 17, 2018

This one is about as straightforward as it gets. If your actual boss offers you drugs, just fucking take them.

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Jul 28, 2018

Ha. I respect the unequivocal nature of your advice -- "just take the fucking drugs." I imagine you're... kind of kidding? At least, depending on the drug. (Take the pot, maybe say no to Molly?)

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Jul 17, 2018

Don't think he's kidding.

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Most Helpful
Jul 17, 2018

No, I'm pretty serious. Barring something like meth or heroin, you have very limited downside and a pretty good return:
1) free drugs
2) pretty cool story
3) you're "in". One of the guys. There's levels to this. He obviously thinks you're cool and this is a chance to confirm his bias. After confirming, you have a bond of sorts. May never speak of it again apart from the occasional knowing smirk to each other every now and then. Being "in" is better than being the smartest guy in the room any day. This will get reflected in deals you work on, advancement, and networking.

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Jul 17, 2018

Sadly, I think you're right -- that becoming "bud" buddies and going with the flow may sometimes (usually?) be more important than actual work product. As they used to say (probably dating myself), is this a guy I want in my foxhole?

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Jul 17, 2018
The Warthog:

No, I'm pretty serious. Barring something like meth or heroin, you have very limited downside and a pretty good return:
1) free drugs
2) pretty cool story
3) you're "in". One of the guys. There's levels to this. He obviously thinks you're cool and this is a chance to confirm his bias. After confirming, you have a bond of sorts. May never speak of it again apart from the occasional knowing smirk to each other every now and then. Being "in" is better than being the smartest guy in the room any day. This will get reflected in deals you work on, advancement, and networking.

I think this way as well, but I'm also not skittish around drugs.

Your friend didn't fuck up by not smoking the pot. Your friend fucked up by politely saying "No Thanks" and being staunch in his refusal. It may not make sense, but it comes off as holier than thou / that kids a pussy / the kid now has dirt on me.

What your buddy should have done when offered, he could have said no, but find a way not to be a stooge / tight-ass about it. Make fun of yourself in this case. Examples could be:

"No thanks, I've never smoked pot in my life and the shit terrifies me. I'll just drink my way through this one ;)"
"To be honest, I'm a huge pussy who's terrified of marijuana. Ya'll enjoy, I'm gonna go bang a shot in the cabin."
"Sorry, but the Jazz Cabbage ain't for me. I've got an irrational fear of marijuana-induced psychosis that I've never been able to shake. I'll stick to the sauce."

If they make fun of you, just take the ribbing and maybe even indulge them further... I would. Hypothetically, I'll tell them how my mom used to tell me I'd go to hell if I touched the devils lettuce. How the first time I smoked pot, I heard voices that didn't dissipate for a full 24-hours straight.

Show humility and be confident in yourself. Nobody gives a fuck if you don't smoke the pot, but don't be a stiff and fuck up a vibe.

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Jul 17, 2018

This. This. This.

Self deprecating humor will get you out of so many uncomfortable situations in this industry.

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Jul 17, 2018

this is exactly right.

Jul 17, 2018

Wow, you should teach a class in Escaping Awkward Moments. All Grade A advice.

Jul 20, 2018

Great advice to anyone who finds themselves in that situation. You could also say "last time I smoked and drank at the same time I puked my guts out, I can't handle my weed!" and just hold to that. People who party understand and will eventually give up egging you on about taking a hit.

What Dedline said is key and probably where OP's friend went wrong - just be cool about the situation and don't fuck up the vibe.

EDIT: lol why am I getting ms'd? Not only have I used this excuse myself, it's true for me. Can't smoke and drink

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Jul 17, 2018

Yep. I like the implication that you've definitely done it in the past, and you'd like to do it right now, but if u do, you'll fuck it up for everyone, so you'll take one for the team by not getting high right now.

Jul 24, 2018

He should've told his boss that he doesn't do hippie-drugs and finished it off with a "I need a trip to the bathroom".

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Jul 27, 2018
Dedline:
The Warthog:

No, I'm pretty serious. Barring something like meth or heroin, you have very limited downside and a pretty good return:
1) free drugs
2) pretty cool story
3) you're "in". One of the guys. There's levels to this. He obviously thinks you're cool and this is a chance to confirm his bias. After confirming, you have a bond of sorts. May never speak of it again apart from the occasional knowing smirk to each other every now and then. Being "in" is better than being the smartest guy in the room any day. This will get reflected in deals you work on, advancement, and networking.

I think this way as well, but I'm also not skittish around drugs.

Your friend didn't fuck up by not smoking the pot. Your friend fucked up by politely saying "No Thanks" and being staunch in his refusal. It may not make sense, but it comes off as holier than thou / that kids a pussy / the kid now has dirt on me.

What your buddy should have done when offered, he could have said no, but find a way not to be a stooge / tight-ass about it. Make fun of yourself in this case. Examples could be:

"No thanks, I've never smoked pot in my life and the shit terrifies me. I'll just drink my way through this one ;)"
"To be honest, I'm a huge pussy who's terrified of marijuana. Ya'll enjoy, I'm gonna go bang a shot in the cabin."
"Sorry, but the Jazz Cabbage ain't for me. I've got an irrational fear of marijuana-induced psychosis that I've never been able to shake. I'll stick to the sauce."

If they make fun of you, just take the ribbing and maybe even indulge them further... I would. Hypothetically, I'll tell them how my mom used to tell me I'd go to hell if I touched the devils lettuce. How the first time I smoked pot, I heard voices that didn't dissipate for a full 24-hours straight.

Show humility and be confident in yourself. Nobody gives a fuck if you don't smoke the pot, but don't be a stiff and fuck up a vibe.

"If I smoke that you'll have to give me next week off. Weed makes me sleepy."

"I'm taking it slow tonight. Last time I was overserved, someone had to call the mayor."

"Dont let me touch that or I'll get really paranoid. Where's the beer?"

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Jul 20, 2018

You had me at free drugs

Jul 22, 2018

You are a pathetic piece of shit if you are willing to break moral code to be "in".

Would you also cheat on your wife if your boss offered you a 10% raise? Or to fuck his wife?

I'm sure you would.

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Jul 17, 2018

LOL get a load of the rosary wearing straw man.

We're here talking about smoking weed on a boat, you're the only one talking about cheating on your wife you fucking nerd.

Worry about graduating from school and working on your first deal.

Also, if someone offers you their wife for the night and you pass...buddy I got some news for you...

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Aug 1, 2018

It's fucking pot. If you have some irrational vendetta against a rather harmless drug, then you need to reevaluate how you arrived at that position.

Jul 26, 2018

I agree with this on many, many levels. I have been in this situation several times, and have always participated. Most of the time, btw, someone offers you coke, not pot. There is a LOT of cocaine in the finance and consulting worlds. Anyone who likes going to clubs or partying at all is likely to come across cocaine more than a few times in their career. If your direct boss offers you a line, or a harmless toke of a joint, you can say 'no', but doing so is a terrible idea. The upside to saying 'no' is the preservation of your code of conduct. The downside is forever being seen as a potential liability to your boss. Since you now know something that can be used as blackmail against him, you are forever a risk to him. It's not like it's immoral to smoke marijuana--it's not even illegal in a lot of places.

If I were his boss, I would sow seeds of doubt in his performance among the other participants in the round table discussions at the end of his internship. I'd position myself to vote last or nearly last, see how the vote is going, and if the kid is going to get an internship, I'd vote for him. If he wouldn't get the internship without my vote, I'd vote against. And if he were to not get the internship regardless of my vote, I'd vote for him. In this instance, it's in his boss's interests to get other people to vote against your friend and only cast a deciding vote if he has to.

If he's less clever or the votes aren't recorded, he might lobby against your friend directly, in which case, your friend can either try to protest his lack of a return offer or slink away quietly. But if he's successful in his appeal to HR and gets a return offer, he'll be a pariah. Who would want to be around him? The rest of the interns took a hit too, and your friend would be known as a snitch. Whether he gets a return offer or not, he's probably best off taking it as an insurance policy and interviewing elsewhere.

He should also strongly consider being less of a dweeb.

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Jul 27, 2018

Damn, you're on some Patrick Bateman type of level. Sociopath, but I give you props.

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Sep 14, 2018

Haha, another martini, Paul?

Jul 17, 2018

My man

Jul 17, 2018
MichaelScarn:

maybe say no to Molly

Why? Have fun staying sober.

Jul 17, 2018

+1

Jul 17, 2018

Why did I get hit with monkey shit? I'm right!

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Jul 28, 2018

No monkey shit... here, have another banana.

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Jul 28, 2018

Think you're right.

Jul 17, 2018

In a situation in which you've turned down something from your boss, I think it's important to act as normal as possible. You still want to maintain that sense of solidarity with the group (i.e., not awkwardly staring at the group as they partake, not retreating to a corner of a room/boat or not putting your head down directly into your phone). This sounds like common sense, but you'd be amazed at the number of extremely intelligent and super awkward junior team members in IBD.

Jul 28, 2018

Yeah, what you describe is a tricky scenario that requires social finesse -- even though you're somewhat reeling by boss' request, you gotta act like it's no big deal and you're totally cool with everything that's going down. You described the perfect way to handle it... but it's probably somewhat hard (for most) to pull off in real life.

Jul 17, 2018

His boss sounds like a fucking retard.

"Bro, what?!?! You're telling me you won't smoke this weed with me?!?"
"Bro, what?!?! You're telling me you won't slam this H with me?!?"
"Bro, what?!?! You won't raw-dog strippers with me?!?"

If his boss is really holding against him the fact that he refuses to do any drugs, why in God's cock is the kid working for that gaylord?

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Jul 28, 2018

Yeah, seems like a douche move for a boss to even introduce drugs at a work gathering... but in my small sample of working, I've found that bosses are weird -- they do (and think they can do) weird shit, and seem to forget pretty quickly what it's like to be on the other side of the boss-employee equation.

Also, my friend doesn't know for a fact that boss is pissed at him... it might just be in my friend's head, but friend definitely thinks boss is treating him differently since "the incident."

And as for why he'd work for him? It's a summer gig, and he doesn't wanna rock the boat (so to speak) regarding chances for future employment either at that place, or another.

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Jul 17, 2018

I should caveat what I said, as I do think your friend will be fine. He is certainly in his own head, which is completely normal given the situation. And yes, the situation, as you noted above, does require social finesse, but if your friend is serious about a career in IBD or PE, he will surely come across similar situations in the future.

Take the situation for what it was, come to terms with what happened and move on. Easier said than done of course.

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Jul 17, 2018

It's 2018 and bosses are still smoking joints with subordinates? Amazing.

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Jul 22, 2018
BobTheBaker:

It's 2018 and bosses are still smoking joints with subordinates? Amazing.

Honestly, I've met more people at HFs that smoke the green than the IB crew who are all Tony Montana with the coke.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

Jul 27, 2018

Morally your friend is in the right since he shouldn't do anything he doesn't want to do, but FFS it was a simple joint. Coulda taken one mini-hit, not even inhaled, and he wouldn't have even gotten high. How your friend handled the situation makes him look clueless IMO, even if his boss is acting in poor taste. Like if it was coke or Molly I totally understand refusing, but at this point pot is basically seen like alcohol.

Jul 17, 2018

You can't refuse to drink alcohol because it's normal? If coke was normalized could you also not refuse to snort it? How about black tar heroin?

excel is my canvas, and data is my paint - new york - brunch conesseiour - atheist - centrist - ENFP - TCU alum

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Jul 27, 2018

It's situation based you dope. Have you ever even been on a party boat? I have no idea why a sober person would even go to such an event, as it'd be miserable.

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Jul 17, 2018

Few caffeine pills and a cold brew will make you just as talkative as the drunks.

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Jul 27, 2018

Sounds like a great idea...get all jacked up on a bunch of highly suspect caffeine pills rather than relax with a couple Corona lights.

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Jul 17, 2018

guys a kook

Jul 27, 2018

I've heard very good things about heroin. Have a friend who's the daughter of a midsize bank ceo who did the model-Hollywood-heroin game. Girl has issues and had dropped it a long time ago, but her description of the feeling it gives you made me understand how people got hooked. Do know normal people who have done it as a pill mixed with club drugs.

Also only like 1/3 of people who have tried it become junkies (By needle). The one thing I've learned in this world if a lot of people are doing something there's a reason especially when it has that bad of a reputation.

Array
Jul 17, 2018

Your friend needs to redeem himself with his boss. Either A) relate to him on some other level or B) light a joint in the office and offer him a hit.

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Jul 17, 2018
scshtx:

Your friend needs to redeem himself with his boss. Either A) relate to him on some other level or B) light a joint in the office and offer him a hit.

Option C: Bring a dab rig, walk into the bosses' office with your nuts out, tell him to "take a fat rip", and if he refuses, call him a cockholster and and take a fat shit on his floor.

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Jul 17, 2018

Then spray a bottle of champagne on his floor.

Jul 31, 2018

Long live Francesco

Jul 18, 2018

If i go to a party, i'd expect this kind of thing might happen. Your friend should just stay home though.

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Jul 18, 2018

There's fitting in, there's sticking to what you believe, and there's coming off as an asshat.

Fitting in/relating to others in key in relationships and in business. But in the long run you have to be true to yourself. Trying to find that balance is hard.

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Jul 20, 2018

Butt-naked. Ill. Sherms. Dust. PCP. Primos. P-Dog. That's what you had. That's what you were smoking, you couldn't taste it?

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.

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Jul 22, 2018
Jamie_Diamond:

Butt-naked. Ill. Sherms. Dust. PCP. Primos. P-Dog. That's what you had. That's what you were smoking, you couldn't taste it?

My n***a

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

Jul 20, 2018

Your boss asks you to give him a blow job - do you do it? Based on the responses on this thread a couple of you wouldn't think twice just to fit in.

Same fucking reasoning.

Well done him for sticking to what he believes in. Sure there might have been easier way to get away with it like a bit of self deprecating humour as suggested. Bottom line is he did the right thing, and his boss is a fucking ass hole. Do a good job and you might get a job. It's just a fucking internship no need to morally debase yourself over this or anything else. Drugs seem to have entered main stream in the US, not a great thing, glad some young kids are still able to say no to this bull shit.

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Jul 27, 2018

Wrong, terrible analogy.

The proper analogy is OP's boss inviting him to a gay sex underground orgy, OP accepting, and then his boss whipping his dick out and asking for a BJ. Then OP goes "what!? I can't believe you think I'm gay and/or would do that. Not interested, no way!" Well then why the hell did OP go to the gay sex underground orgy in the first place? What did dude expect?

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Jul 21, 2018

You're a fucking moron if you think going to a gay sex underground orgy and assuming that no dick-sucking would ensue is the same as going to a 4th of July party and assuming you wouldn't have to smoke pot...

Boss is a fucking dickhead for trying to make him feel bad afterwards. Also an idiot for bringing out a joint in the first place and expecting everyone to join along...

Quite pathetic the lengths some of you would go to fit in / please your boss. And at a boutique...

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Jul 21, 2018

Well put.

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Jul 26, 2018
Pmc2ghy:

OP's boss inviting him to a gay sex underground orgy

Don't these happen like every day at Goldman Sachs?

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Jul 17, 2018

Fucking great post.

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Jul 20, 2018

He made the right decision. If he doesn't want to do drugs, that's his decision to make. He politely said no, that should be the end of the conversation. He doesn't need to manufacture an excuse. If his boss is so childish as to make a big deal out of it then his boss has some issues.

If people want to drink, great, if not, great. If people want to do drugs, that's their business. If people don't want to do drugs, that's their business.

Jul 20, 2018

In his analyst days, a friend of mine was at a bank that sounds like a place bigger than a town. At a Christmas party, it was made pretty clear that the length of line he could snort was going to factor into his bonus calculation. He's a champ, ran the line, got a great bonus, but realised that he did not want to be part of that team anymore.

I've done some stuff, seen some things, stayed maybe later than I should've a couple times, but I'm with the camp that says if you don't want to partake, be in the bathroom or otherwise out of sight when it's your turn. I took the 'next' cab, "because this one is too full" when my coworker and clients were going to a brothel. If they are shitty about it, they are just shitty people, and probably shit bankers too re: can only get a deal because they buy the clients drugs and hookers, don't need that.

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Jul 17, 2018

Also awesome. Gotta stick up for your f'in self and your principles.

Jul 24, 2018

Well put. Those guys were probably too fucked up anyways to notice/care that you had ditched out. Or you could just make up some story about a late night booty call or pulling random ass off the street.

Jul 20, 2018

Your friend has a right to a work environment where he is not required to smoke illicit substances. The boss is a retard who should be reported to HR who will drug test him and fire his ass.

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Jul 20, 2018

What kinds of drugs we testing?

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Jul 27, 2018

Haha Workaholics

Jul 21, 2018

This guy's boss is an immature pile of trash if he gets angry at one of his employees for not doing drugs, like grow up dude. He should be lucky your friend didn't report him to HR. I think your friend did nothing wrong

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Jul 21, 2018

It amazes me how many people think finance is where all the "alpha's" exist. One only needs to peruse this site, including this post, to see the social sodomy that the real finance industry is.

This guys boss is a moron. Not for busting out drugs. Not for hazing the dude who didn't partake. He is a moron for trying to be social and bond with autistic douches.

OP - make sure to bring up your gluten, lactose, Wednesday eating phobia/dietary concerns the next time you are on a work lunch. Really build bonds. And the fact you had to post on this forum about you not doing drugs is absurd.

Jul 21, 2018

What career path do the alphas have?

Jul 22, 2018

retail brokers at State Farm

Jul 21, 2018

really?

Jul 26, 2018

It was his "friend" though

Jul 23, 2018

Did you bring the fun to the rest of the party or were you awkward? If you're a fun person that doesn't smoke pot then that's cool. Plus he's likely doing what most professionals do once they see each other at the office after raging together: keep some distance to establish both of you understand professional boundaries.

Partying with junior coworkers is risky. Sounds like a cool guy for going out on a limb. Just chat him up next happy hour

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Jul 24, 2018

Cheerfully laugh and say something like "wish I could, but I've had problems in the past with asthma and can't inhale anything. I better double-down on drinks to catch up!"

That said, violating your core principles is never worth it. Pot is harmless though - blow is an entirely other deal.

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Jul 25, 2018

To be honest, while the best option is to tell them "yeah sorry mate, last time I mixed shit got nasty" or something along the lines as others have suggested, just saying no isn't the end of the world. As long as the boss is not 100% douche (given the story chances are slim), he'll be fine and take it as ok he can stand his ground (ofc given your friend didn't start to recite some poem to stay calm or some other weird shit that kills the vibe). I mean who even gives a shit about who smokes weed? I had a student job in Amsterdam a while back, being offered weed was the common, if you didnt want to smoke, fine! literally: who gives a shit.

and if you don't feel like the joint but can take your drink, just go ahead and chug a pitcher of beer, everybody would remember that, not you smoking. And yeah its 4th of July, so 4 pitchers work as well, but there you need to start being careful.

Jul 26, 2018

If you don't want to do drugs, don't do drugs. It's not that hard. You can shake it off with an "It's cool, I'm going to stick to drinking today". If your boss isn't cool with that, f'em. They're just pissed you have dirt on them.

Jul 26, 2018

They probably thought your friend was sitting on a moral high horse looking down at them.

Best to make it a joke, people take those better. "Nah man, I get paranoid and annoying as fuck... you don't want to see that" is usually my go-to.

Jul 26, 2018

lol.... " and all was good... until the boss broke out the Old School joint"

should be: "all was good... and got even better when the boss broke out a joint"

ps when did joints become old school?

What is the answer to 99 out of 100 questions?

    • 1
Jul 27, 2018

I personally work with some pretty fratty guys and we get after it when we have the chance. We never invite interns because of this type of situation, but if we did, I wouldn't trust an intern who wouldn't rail the line or take a hit. It's just a situation where the guy comes across as not only soft, but more importantly, like the type of guy who is a snitch.

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Jul 21, 2018

You must be really "frat" that not doing cocaine is soft there, tough guy, lmfao

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Jul 25, 2018

Not doing something makes you a snitch? Shit that is some line of arguing. If you think an intern literally sits on the boat waiting to find something incriminating on you that he can lever into whatsoever, you take yourself too important, are paranoid as fuck, and apparently have a shitty way of selecting interns.

Cmon the kind of person that looks around to snitch shit won't be there anyway.

If I don't want to drink (whatever the reason) do you think I am making up that reason so that I am sober and can get shit on you cause you're drunk? Or did it maybe occur to you that I just didn't feel that well but still wanted to join the team?
And that is just drinks.

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Jul 27, 2018

If any grown adult is pathetic enough to get upset with you over not taking a draw of the spliff then it says more about them than it does about you.

He's not a 16 year old child. It's different if you are being boring and not drinking or not contributing to conversation. But saying you don't want to smoke a bit of pot is completely acceptable.

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Jul 27, 2018

asking for a friend*

Jul 27, 2018

These responses are too funny. If you feel you need to explain yourself for not wanting to partake you need to up your self confidence and consider finding a new boss. This shouldn't be a big deal, and if it is, just leave. Finance is work, not life.

    • 1
Jul 27, 2018

Are you cool man?

Maybe I led you to believe that this was a God given gift and not something I worked for, every single day of my life.

Jul 27, 2018

Could have taken it, inhaled like a cigar and exhaled. Win-Win. Still sticking to your principles but it looks like you accepted the offer.

I'd do that if I were him

Jul 17, 2018
Jul 28, 2018

heister:

Look at all these wannabe richies hating on an expensive salad.

Jul 29, 2018
Jul 25, 2018
Jul 31, 2018