Funniest Stories - The Analyst Years
Although working as an investment banking analyst was a living hell at the time, I now look back at my years with nostalgia. Luckily, as time passes, the 100 hour weeks just blend together and the pain has gone away. Of course, I'm still irrationally uncomfortable and nervous whenever I see a red blinking light (Blackberry email) but other than that, all I remember now are the fun times. The 5am nights when you finally get the pitch books binded and shipped to the MD's house and as you're waiting for the driver to call you and confirm that he delivered it, you're joking around with your associate/VP and realize that they're actually human beings too.
However, the best parts were the office gossip and hilarious stories that were shared among the analyst class. The best stories always came from the summer interns, which made sense because 20-21 year olds know absolutely nothing about anything (including common sense).
One of my favorite stories was a summer intern who had a bad case of diarrhea. Unfortunately for him, my BB was proud of their latest technology upgrade for the entire bullpen, the wireless headset (which of course is about 10 years behind the technology of any normal corporation).
Armed with this technology, he was able to piss off an entire deal team and probably single-handedly kill a deal.
After slaving for a month on a huge sellside pitch book for the client, two MDs and a director were off to the oh-so important meeting. The associate, two analysts and the intern in question were left at home base to call in and listen in on the call/meeting.
The company was trying to sell itself and had retained our bank as the sole advisor. The CEO/CFO however, were horribly paranoid about not getting screwed over by bankers. They asked the same questions over and over in different formats and probed around every slide "How did you get those numbers? Are you really sure that's a good comp for us? Is that too much equity to use? How does it look with 100% cash?"
Anyways, this obviously turned the meeting into a 3+ hour affair. The analysts had told him that he should listen in but mute his phone and also that since he had pulled a lot of late nights, he could just go home and sleep. The intern however, didn't believe the analysts and thought he should be alert on the call just in case someone important asked him a question on the call.
After a few boring hours, the intern with his aforementioned diarrhea just couldn't take it anymore.
Hilarity ensued.
His sense of self importance prevented him from simply putting down the headset. He took it with him and kept it off mute. I don't have to provide details on the rest, but the sounds of diarrhea shitting was conveyed to the entire deal team and client (their entire management team and a bunch of lawyers/accountants too).
The hilarious thing is that no one even said anything. If you've ever been on one of these calls, you know that even if the client's inaudible, or reception is bad, or you hear the standard kid crying in the background, everyone ignores it and stays silent.
After literally about 60 seconds of pure shitting/farting sounds, the client had heard enough. Suddenly a booming voice interrupts the MD's pitch of interlopers and you hear, "WHO THE FUCK IS TAKING A SHIT?!?!?!?"
Then there was a scrambling of voices, including someone saying "can you.....*scramble* mute..*scramble* your phone*"
Then there was a long silence and the call was dropped. Apparently the client decided to continue the rest of the meeting live and shut out everyone who had dialed in.
Unfortunately, the client shortly lost his will to continue. The CEO/CFO decided to take a break and the meeting only went on for about 30 minutes longer. The MDs and VP were PISSED as they came back to the office, emailing the associate/analyst to figure out who the hell it was.
Luckily, only the analysts knew this story and though our group was well known for being a sweatshop and having a fratty culture, in the end it was still analysts vs. everyone else. No one ratted out the intern and he was able to keep his job.
However, from now on, we're not allowed to take our headsets ANYWHERE away from our desks and most summer interns are required to mute their phones on calls to clients.
I'm sure there are thousands of other stories out there, and I have a dozen or so more myself, but figured I'd get this started and everyone else can share their memorable moments in banking.






Comments
hahahaha, +1
hahahaha, +1
And I think it's gonna be a long, long, time
Sounds almost unreal. The
Sounds almost unreal. The intern had to be totally daft to take the headset to the shitter. I can't even imagine how pissed the senior bankers were. Hilarious!
hilarious story, thanks for
hilarious story, thanks for sharing. encore encore
WSO's COO (Chief Operating Orangutan) | My story | Connect with me on Linkedin.
2013 WSO Conference
so classic. amazing this is
so classic. amazing this is true.
WSO Conference 2013
Private Certified User Chat
Funniest thing I've read in
Funniest thing I've read in my life.
Please share the dozens of other stories.
"A man generally has two reasons for doing anything. One that sounds good, and the real one." - J.P. Morgan
hahaha great story! Mine's
hahaha great story! Mine's not quite as hilarious but this happened during my summer internship at a BB. First assignment I am given.
VP: "Here is a floor plan of the 3 floors that are ours"
Me: "Uh ok..."
VP: "You need to make sure you scour every inch of every single one of these floors and mark down any stains in the carpeting on this floor plan"
Me: "You're kidding right?"
VP: "Do I look like I'm kidding?"
Took me 2 hours but I walked up and down the hallways staring at the floor with a floor plan and pen in hand. Needless to say I got tons of odd looks and for a few weeks people on the other floors though I was some kind of janitor who took his job way too seriously wearing a button down and tie.
"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts." - Bertrand Russell
It doesn't matter how old you
It doesn't matter how old you get, stories involving shit always deliver. Solid story, well, not actually solid, but you know what I mean.
Turbo leverage for capital explosion -- BD Capital
My WSO Blog
One year we had this
One year we had this absolutely phenomenal intern - arguably the best we'd had in a few years. He was brilliant, nice, down to earth, put together, and just got shit done. He was allowed to work without analyst supervision within a few weeks of starting his internship.
Fast forward to a party 2-3 weeks before the end of the summer. Kid gets completely smashed, but then has to go back to the office. Somehow ends up getting his work done and goes home. How he did that, I still don't know.
Anyway, the next morning we smell this stench coming from the coat closet as we pass by it. Turns out that in his inebriated state he had taken a piss there the night before. Thankfully (1) he was an amazing intern (2) the group head had been forcing shots down this kid's throat and wouldn't let him say no and (3) no one was really using the coat closet given the season. He got an offer, came back, and crushed it as analyst as well. I think he's over at a hedge fund now.
See my WSO Blog
Awesome^
Awesome^
Frank Sinatra - "Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy."
Jeez monkey shit for telling
Jeez monkey shit for telling what I thought was a mildly amusing story...rough crowd
"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts." - Bertrand Russell
stories about poop and pee
stories about poop and pee never get old for some reason
If your dreams don't scare you, then they are not big enough.
"There are two types of people in this world: People who say they pee in the shower, and dirty fucking liars."-Louis C.K.
leveragealltheway: Jeez
Jeez monkey shit for telling what I thought was a mildly amusing story...rough crowd
Here is a silver banana to offset some of the poo. Some people on here are animals. Fwiw, I thought your story was slightly funnier than the coat closet story, but that had slightly better delivery. Execution is key!
And I think it's gonna be a long, long, time
I have some great intern
I have some great intern stories but cant share... haha
WSO Conf - June 29, 2013
When you fart to ease yer
When you fart to ease yer poop, but yer ass goes SHOOP DA WHOOP!&^@%, diarrhea.
Diarrhea.
Colourful TV, colourless Life.
Bonus: When you fart to ease
When you fart to ease yer poop, but yer ass goes SHOOP DA WHOOP!&^@%, diarrhea.
Diarrhea.
No thx. I already ate.
"A man generally has two reasons for doing anything. One that sounds good, and the real one." - J.P. Morgan
SirTradesaLot: It doesn't
plz keep the stories coming
monty09: I have some great
Check out my Blog
Not an IBD tale, but that
Reminds me of a time...when a
I help people with the tough situation of not knowing how to respond to emails.
AlsatianCousin: SirTradesaL
Turbo leverage for capital explosion -- BD Capital
My WSO Blog
Call me a skeptic, not buying
Financial Modeling Training
Guide to Finance Interviews
Banking Resume
Last week I was waiting for
"If it were easy, everyone would do it"
One of my good friends was
My story isn't from IB, but
Marcus_Halberstram: Call me a
See my WSO Blog
I banged a fellow offeree at
Cheers.
hahaha awesome story
johnwayne7: Not an IBD tale,
1/2 of the WSO Bash Brothers
"Licensed to Ill It"
We all know Bro J did it...
rufiolove: johnwayne7: Not
Turbo leverage for capital explosion -- BD Capital
My WSO Blog
I suck at telling stories but
rufiolove: So she taught 10
johnwayne7: rufiolove: So
1/2 of the WSO Bash Brothers
"Licensed to Ill It"
We all know Bro J did it...
rajpbt: My story isn't from
Frank Sinatra - "Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy."
rufiolove: johnwayne7: ru
A LONG time ago, worked in an
rufiolove: johnwayne7: Not
How'd this topic die out?