Desk boner etiquette

Monkeys,

I've been having a problem lately and need your help. My 18 hour days and work on the weekends has left me little time to track down a girl friend, who could service my man needs. I assume this would be fairly easy for me to do, since I'm tall with good looks and nice suits, but I simply don't have the time because of work. Lately I've be been over staffed, IMO, and barely have time to take care of my own needs. Thus, this is quite embarrassing, I have been getting random boners at my desk. With that new Kate Upton video going around the office, I've been getting boners quite regularly, almost once an hour. This is fine while I can hide them under my desk, but if I need to stand up this can lead to some embarrassment. As am sure we all know, suit pants are very light in nature and will lift and conform to objects easier than say jeans for example. I have contemplated wearing under armor compression shorts to help hide the problem. I'm sure some of you will suggest taking care of my needs in the office bathroom, but I'm scared to death that someone will catch me and the repercussions, such as losing my job or becoming a registered sex offender. Should I transfer to a European bank that might provide me with a way to take care of the problem via a work sponsored prostitute party? What tactics and strategies you you all use when faced with a similar problem, I know I'm not alone on this one. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

FYI I already wear pleated pants

 

Well, you're not a sex offender for masturbating in a bathroom. And if someone comes into the bathroom, you stop. And believe me, they would almost never have the balls to call you out on it. Think about it. If you heard a squishy sound in the bathroom, would you seriously ever go to a boss and say "Umm... I think I heard someone jerking off." Unless you have proof, and even if you did, you'd never mention it.

 

you know WSO is heading in the right direction when kids asking legit networking questions get like 3 responses in two days while the kid asking about how to hide his hard on gets 18 responses in an hour and a half

GBS
 
Virginia Tech 4ever:
LOL, I've never heard of a 20-something male having issues with his erection control. I haven't had that problem since I was 12 or 13. I thought that was something that passed with adolescence. Guess we learn something new every day.
Don't worry old man, give it a few years and you'll be thankful if you can get one at all.
 

Hands in pockets, make an excuse to stay seated, etc.

The compression shorts only work so much (got an NRB in high school during a presentation, wore compression shorts that day anticipating it, catastrophe was narrowly avoided). And I would not recommend tape as that will hurt coming off.

Looks like your only solution is to cut your dick off.

 
CEEBanker:
Monkeys,

I've been having a problem lately and need your help. My 18 hour days and work on the weekends has left me little time to track down a girl friend, who could service my man needs. I assume this would be fairly easy for me to do, since I'm tall with good looks and nice suits, but I simply don't have the time because of work. Lately I've be been over staffed, IMO, and barely have time to take care of my own needs. Thus, this is quite embarrassing, I have been getting random boners at my desk. With that new Kate Upton video going around the office, I've been getting boners quite regularly, almost once an hour. This is fine while I can hide them under my desk, but if I need to stand up this can lead to some embarrassment. As am sure we all know, suit pants are very light in nature and will lift and conform to objects easier than say jeans for example. I have contemplated wearing under armor compression shorts to help hide the problem. I'm sure some of you will suggest taking care of my needs in the office bathroom, but I'm scared to death that someone will catch me and the repercussions, such as losing my job or becoming a registered sex offender. Should I transfer to a European bank that might provide me with a way to take care of the problem via a work sponsored prostitute party? What tactics and strategies you you all use when faced with a similar problem, I know I'm not alone on this one. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

FYI I already wear pleated pants

I will bet that you dont work 18 hour days nor are you tall or good looking. In addition I doubt anyone notices when you schmekel is at full staff.

Eventus stultorum magister.
 

say the pledge of allegiance to yourself three times to get your mind off of it, then it just goes away. works like a charm.

------------------------------------------------------------------ "I just want to be a monkey of average intelligence who wears a suit. I'll go to business school!"
 

When it doubt, whip it out.

Wall Street leaders now understand that they made a mistake, one born of their innocent and trusting nature. They trusted ordinary Americans to behave more responsibly than they themselves ever would, and these ordinary Americans betrayed their trust.
 

Best thread today.

I typically go with the "pledge of allegiance" method mentioned above. The most effective thing I've found to get your mind off of it is to engage someone else in conversation. Raise your hand to ask a question if you're in class, or bullshit with the analyst next to you if you're at work. Note however that this method totally breaks down if your professor or the analyst next to you are attractive females.

- Capt K - "Prestige is like a powerful magnet that warps even your beliefs about what you enjoy. If you want to make ambitious people waste their time on errands, bait the hook with prestige." - Paul Graham
 

lol. you can usually be ninja enough to move and tuck. noone's gonna be staring at you 24/7. and by this day and age, i'm expecting most guys to be able to do this in one swift move while getting up or packing your stuff up.

 
[Comment removed by mod team]
 

i think you guys are getting a little bit ahead of yourselves. common courtesy dictates that the first thing you should do is get up and put the desk you just flipped over back in its proper position. then you should apologize to the poor soul who happened to be sitting in that desk and just went for the ride of their life when your wang caught the bottom left corner of the under-seat-book-rack, sending their desk into the air in a whirling frenzy. at this point, you either pull out your backup pair of shorts from your backpack and change or get out your sewing kit and repair the massive tear your wang just ripped through your clothes. now you can begin thinking of margaret thatcher, iraq, etc or attempt the swoop and tuck

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolfpack Buyside strongside
 
rooster:
i think you guys are getting a little bit ahead of yourselves. common courtesy dictates that the first thing you should do is get up and put the desk you just flipped over back in its proper position. then you should apologize to the poor soul who happened to be sitting in that desk and just went for the ride of their life when your wang caught the bottom left corner of the under-seat-book-rack, sending their desk into the air in a whirling frenzy. at this point, you either pull out your backup pair of shorts from your backpack and change or get out your sewing kit and repair the massive tear your wang just ripped through your clothes. now you can begin thinking of margaret thatcher, iraq, etc or attempt the swoop and tuck

That's too analytical for a boner discussion bro.

 
rooster:
i think you guys are getting a little bit ahead of yourselves. common courtesy dictates that the first thing you should do is get up and put the desk you just flipped over back in its proper position. then you should apologize to the poor soul who happened to be sitting in that desk and just went for the ride of their life when your wang caught the bottom left corner of the under-seat-book-rack, sending their desk into the air in a whirling frenzy. at this point, you either pull out your backup pair of shorts from your backpack and change or get out your sewing kit and repair the massive tear your wang just ripped through your clothes. now you can begin thinking of margaret thatcher, iraq, etc or attempt the swoop and tuck

Note: When handling a frenzied dong this intimidating, great care needs to be taken during the swoop and tuck to not hit yourself in the face and leave an errant mushroom stamp. Save that for the most unsavory of ladies.

 

using your belt to fasten your junk to your belly after going from six to midnight can be tricky when you've got excess fabric from a dress shirt to navigate around. i'd recommend a tight fitting pair of briefs to keep your shit in check.

 

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Array

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