Being Bottom Bucket is Paradise
The moment I step into the office at 11:07 AM, I feel it, paradise. The calm before the storm. The unwarranted confidence of a man who knows he’s untouchable because, no one even trusts him to touch anything.
I give the MD a half-hearted nod as I walk in, clutching my overpriced oat milk latte. He doesn’t acknowledge me. He hasn’t in months. I’m a ghost, employed but effectively retired.
By the time I settle in, my inbox is flooded with emails, most of which start with “Please check your work” or “Can someone else take a look at this?”. I pretend I didn’t see them. The beauty of being bottom bucket is that expectations are already rock bottom. If I do nothing, it’s status quo. If I do something and it’s wrong, well, everyone saw it coming.
By noon, the top bucket analysts are hunched over their desks, furiously typing away, whispering among themselves about debt schedules and EBITDA multiples. I, on the other hand, have spent the last 15 minutes debating whether to take an “urgent” restroom break or scroll LinkedIn to see who’s quit this week.
At 1:00 PM, the VP asks me to print some documents. A year ago, I would have been insulted. Now, I smile, knowing I’ve dodged a 5 hour LBO model rebuild. By the time I’m back from the printer, the top bucket guy has already taken over the model. He didn’t even ask. He just knew.
At 6:00 PM, while the top performers stress over another round of comments from the MD, I sit back, sip my firm sponsored kombucha, and chuckle. Little do they realize that in a few months, I’ll be one of their biggest clients. Once I execute the ultimate IB exit opp, becoming an entrepreneur by owning my very own McDonald’s franchise, I’ll be generating more deal fees than their entire careers combined. Sale-leasebacks? Leveraged recap? Franchise roll-up strategy? They’ll be begging me to let them put together a deck while I decide whether to approve extra BBQ sauce for the nuggets.
By midnight, the high performers are pulling their third all nighter of the week. I’m considering whether it’s too soon to “step out for some air” and never return. I slack a weak “let me know if you need anything” into the deal team chat. They don’t respond. They never do.
At 3:00 AM, I finally get my one real task: formatting a footnote. I complete it with the precision of a brain surgeon. I am victorious. The deck is finished, and my one footnote stands strong.
At 4:00 AM, I slink out of the office, knowing that while my future in finance is nonexistent, my future in fast food empire building is just beginning. Being Bottom Bucket is paradise.
You must be the worst 'bottom-bucket' if you're leaving at 4am. Pls amend to 4pm
Nope I know him, he leaves by 8pm. Those comments were turned from home after he finished a night out
Nah, see, leaving at 4AM is actually the ultimate bottom bucket move. If I leave at 4PM, someone might notice I exist and give me work. But if I stay till 4AM, I maximize the hours where I’m technically ‘working’ but doing absolutely nothing.
Yeah this is amazing other than the 4am bit. Everyone knows bottom bucket slips out at 5pm bc they have no work
Definitely better than middle bucket life -> The perpetual cuck, confused and unsatisfied
Former bottom bucket analyst here. If you have no plans to stay in IB, this is really the way. I completely gave up after 12 months and did not give a single shit anymore. Didn’t check my work, didn’t respond to emails on weekends, actively ignored dumb staffings and admin requests from VPs. My life improved dramatically - I actually started to sleep, I didn’t stress anymore because I didn’t care, and had time to work out and spend time with friends / gf. I would not do it any differently. IB is the dumbest fucking job ever with the most insufferable crop of people you could imagine.
Yes, you will get chewed out a few times for being careless and making dumb mistakes, but this is part of the plan and also A GOOD THING. This gives you a stage to give your staffer or MD a fake sob story about how you really want to succeed and gain their trust and that you are working so hard. Lee up the charade and all will be well. As long as you give the impression of a positive attitude then people will pity you. Stay scheming out there fellas.
where do you plan to go? if you don't mind me asking
Agree. The era of big money in IB is over—unless you’re willing to wait a long time for a senior MD or head position (and to be clear, recently promoted MDs are also F- - just the bottom of a new chain of command)
Being at the bottom bucked can in fact be a paradise if you know how to navigate it and use the time to transition into a better role.
Ah - And leaving at 4 am. is out of the question—you leave early but stay visible online occasionally so the team can’t say you weren’t working + you only submit the “footnote formatting” after 2 am… classic…
We track what our analysts do when they leave
For the bottom buckets, many of them seem to have found their way to big 4 ops and tech consulting.
A disproportionate number have ended up in Canada (and aren’t even Canadian).
This a lone should be motivating. You don’t want to end up in Canada, however bad the alternative.
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