…Dad asking for money
So my dad got himself into a little debt with his rental property and asked me for a loan to pay it off. I was going to say no and hang up the phone, but I guess I felt like being a nice guy today. I told this guy to sell the property months ago and cash out, but no he can’t listen. My dad is terrible at financial management…and he’s a CFO. He literally has no cash savings. I’m in college and have more savings then the guy. I went into finance, so I wouldn’t make the same mistakes he did. He literally makes small financial mistakes that could be avoided and it’s annoying. My mom had to ask me for the money because his ego would be hurt. He’s also a narcissist and will brag about being financially secure, but it’s all cap. My mom usually lends to him but I could see him trying to pull this on me again. It’s sucks seeing an outflow when I’m grinding so hard in IB. I have goals of my own and not seeing the numbers add up in my account has a mental effect on me. Know it’s savage but should I just say no going forward. Would hurt our relationship but I honestly don’t care that much. Or would it be messed up to leverage my way into profit sharing on his real estate? Advice needed.
This struck a nerve so I’ll bite.
Felt like I just read my thoughts from 2 years when I went through a similar situation. Awful situation to find yourself in. Narcissistic fathers with money problems are a fucking nightmare and strain the paternal relationship to no end. Sorry you’re in this position.
With that, my thoughts are…
1) He can’t even ask you himself. A narcissist won’t feel bad for what they’re doing to you unless you make them admit to their wrong doing. Do NOT give him money without at least having the decency to admit how wrong it is and how it won’t happen again.
2) Even if he did ask you, I think you should say no. It is completely his fault for the situation he has gotten himself into. You shouldn’t be bailing out your parent for their irresponsibility.
Whatever you do, I hope you make him Atleast own up to it. It will be hard in the short term, but it will be better for your relationship with him long term. Best thing that I ever did for my paternal relationship was confronting my dad and telling him I wouldn’t give him money and how wrong it was for being so careless as to put our relationship in that position. Definitely tough for a week or so there tho.
I appreciate the valuable advice. He still hasn’t said anything or even a thank you, which speaks volumes. My parents are great but I always knew I couldn’t depend on them financially. They also feel like they can just use me as a back up for any problems they have, think I just need to stand my ground and fight back from now on.
First of all, do what you need to do for yourself. You and your mental and financial health are more important than your Dad's bad investment and if he ends up losing it, know you aren't to blame at all. I've had some experience with this from family though luckily it wasn't my parents and I know how much it sucks to be in your shoes. A few things to consider
If he is paying for your college, could be shortsighted to say no.
If he isn't and you want to give him the money, write a contract with a lawyer for the money. Make it either debt with interest or an investment in his real estate business and you get a percentage. If you need an excuse, say it's what you are learning in school and you want to see it in practice. Doing it this way will also help in the future as he may think twice before asking again.
Whatever you do, don't just give him the money carte blanche.
Good luck
Thank you for the advice. I scrounged my way to a full scholarship because I knew my parents didn’t have any college savings for me. When I fully know they could have put money way. All he pays for is my car insurance. My parents act like this situation is normal but it’s not in my world. Will definitely consider a contract, will give me the security I’m looking for.
Context is obviously needed here. Obviously your relationship with you father is frayed, but there are some tangible points that need to be considered. Full disclosure, this is coming from a guy who hasn't spoken to his dad in years.
1. How much money did your father put towards your education, living expenses at any point in adulthood, essentially was he instrumental in giving you advantages that put you in the position to give him a loan? Not that that alone makes him worthy of a claim on your earnings, but it is relevant.
2. Regardless of your feelings towards your father, how much more sympathetic do you feel towards your mother and how do you feel like your action/inaction would affect her in this instance?
3. How the fuck does your father have the title of CFO and have no savings?
Edit: Jesus Christ, I totally glossed over the fact that you're still in college and your dad's asking you for a loan when he has assets on the books. I'm assuming he's not footing the bill for your tuition otherwise that would be the first thing to go. Tell him to kick rocks.
He's put no money towards my education/lifestyle, only pays for my car insurance. My mom is going along with my dad because it's not effecting her financially this time. She would use it against me, she also has full access to my college savings, which was all sourced by me. I'm now going to force her to hand over the account because this is getting shady. Have no idea how he’s a CFO, he doesn’t make a ton of money but fundamentally it doesn’t make sense.
Open your own account and drain the joint. You need to be financially independent from them
Narcissists like to make up stuff. Maybe he saw you get into finance and just claimed to be a CFO all of a sudden. Just to kind of one-up you.
If you feel they did a good job and that they supported you a lot then yeah, if not then no. Also if he won’t ask you then no. Is he spending lavishly or something?
Don’t do it
Couple points:
- I wouldn't give them the money. A growth adult should not be asking their child for money, specifically if the adult has (what appears to be) a good job. (not saying you're a child, but you're still in college). Don't buy into the "pay me back for what it cost to raise you", because at the time you weren't making financial decisions for yourself. It would be like if your parents bought a $10,000 stroller for you as a baby, that's not your problem.
- However, if you do give him the money, realize its not a loan, its a gift. A gift is the only financial transaction you should have with family, mainly because, you should only be giving someone money if you think they will be financial wise with it. If you think they will keep making bad decisions, don't give them the money. You ever see the money "A Bronx Tale", the main character gives his friend $20 and can't ever seem to get it back. Basically the point was, guy paid $20 to figure out someone wasn't a true friend.
- Also, how much money could you possibly have saved, and how much does he need. Meaning, if he needs $100K and you have that, he put himself in a bad financial position and that's not your fault. Or, if he needs say $1K, he should be able to come up with that on his own.
- Your goal right now is to start your own life and make good decisions. Finish college with as little debt as possible, try to get a good job, and be successful on your own terms. Don't let your family's bad financial decisions weigh you down.
You only have one father, and despite the current status of your relationship, I’m a firm believer in doing whatever one can to satisfy their parents’ needs. Trust me, this sum of money will be negligible in 5 years. When they are gone, you’ll be wishing you had helped them out. Good luck. Praying for you.
When I made my first 6 figure payday, I put some money into a fixed income instrument that pays my parents (who are separated) each monthly interest. I suggest you do the same one day, even its $150/month to start will give you piece of mind and just get it over with.
As for now, as mentioned depends how much money he needs and how much you have.
Make your own checking / savings account for that college money
Makes me so glad my parents are not losers.
I would structure the loan in such a way that’s it’s a real legal contract and not just a handshake loan.
Also, please collateralize the loan via the rental property so you can seize it if needed to make yourself whole.
that's why I don't want kids. especially if you raise them in US and give them a great life, they'll grow up ungrateful like OP.
your pops spent probably close to a mil raising you, providing you with home, food, care, schooling, clothes, toys, entertainment. he could be traveling and banging your mom in the ass. instead he sat at home and changed your crappy diapers and listened to your crying. you are in IB because he is CFO. you would be a fucking cashier if he didn't provide for you and paid for your way through life. and now you are thinking to reject helping him and want to take over his real estate. ungrateful bastard.
I think we found the OPs dad in the post…
If I was this guy’s dad I’d just get lost In the woods and disappear.
Dudes on here are so ridiculous man. Make a good amount of money out of undergrad and complain about helping out the people who raised them lol. If your father was abusive or hurt your family, your reluctance is completely understandable. If he was genuinely a good dad and this is one of his flaws, you should try and help him out if it's feasible for you. Try to have a conversation with him to prevent this becoming a recurring issue. It's probably not easy for him either.Just my two cents. Do what you want.
Bro you even read any of the context provided by OP. His dad barely helped him out financially, and the guy is still in undergrad
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