Feeling Lost as an Analyst
I write this post looking for advice. I am going to be blunt and will sound extremely arrogant, but I am not at all trying to sound like I am praising myself, just trying to give context cause I feel like an idiot that I am in a bad headspace. I am just fucking lost and feel uncomfortable turning to those I am closest to because they'd think I am crazy.
I am a first year analyst at a top bank in a solid group. I've been fortunate to always do well and have extremely supportive parents. I grew up in a nice home where my parents spoiled me growing up (nothing absurd though just extremely loving parents), went to a top ivy where I played a sport and was a key player on the team, and had great grades. I've always had great friends who I love to death, and a girlfriend for a few years that is beautiful and literally all I could ask for as a person. As I write this, I know it sounds like I am such an arrogant piece of shit, but here I am, absolutely fucking lost regardless of what boxes I can say I have checked over the years.
I don't know what I want in life. I grew up with the mentality of always wanting to be one of the best at everything, and to be honest still have a very competitive mindset. I anchored myself in this endless pursuit of success that has led me to a spot of questioning my purpose and existence. Spent day after day, month after month, just checking boxes. I've tried so many different things, especially when having free time before I started full time and nothing is sticking. Working out, reading books, traveling, video games, etc. I keep trying, and nothing is working. It's like I complete a task, and instantly think "now what?"
I don't mind banking at all. I don't mind staying and working late to get something done. At the same time, I don't love it though. I don't have this huge aspiration to be a rain-making MD. I'm unsure if I want to go into PE (Not doing on-cycle). My life has always felt like a "What's next?" sort of timeline. And here I am asking myself what's next again with no clue what to do. I used to think that next would always just be the step that gets me closer to significant wealth. Never did I desire to be the world's richest man, but definitely thought that I would try being worth a lot of money at a relatively young age and retire. But once my parents retired a few years ago, and seeing the lifestyle they live, I had this realization that holy shit I cannot do this. I can barely keep myself entertained now... waking up with nothing to do each day sounds like hell on earth.
There's some sort of void in me, and I am not sure how to fill it. I feel there's more out there, there has to be. But at the same time, some of the grand ideas are just unrealistic. It's not like I have enough money to quit my job and go pursue making the world a better place. It's not like I have the time to travel the world and immerse myself in different cultures. I don't know what to do. I thought I would find peace as my daily life got busy forcing my hand to enjoy the less free time I have, but it's almost done the opposite. I find myself in the hours I get to myself each week, more anxious than I have been, asking myself what the fuck should I be doing with my life?