Getting the Offer is Paradise

The Notification

It is mid-February of sophomore year at your semi-target university. After receiving a Canvas message saying that you missed three assignments that were due for CorpFin 343 (Intro to Excel), you get an Outlook notification from an HR representative at the BB that you have been chasing after for months (you had three coffee chats with current Analysts in which you asked how their experience taking the SIE was during training). Regardless, the email states that you have been invited to partake in a HireVue and you must complete it within 48 hours. You first do a quick scan of your internal IB buzzword dictionary that you have built from attending your weekly Investment Banking bootcamp sessions. HireVue... this must mean that they like me! You then do a mental calculation and realize that you have already blocked out tonight on your Outlook Calendar for your mid-tier fraternity's wedding mixer with the sorority that you swear your future wife is in. Thus, you sadly realize that you are going to have to wake up early tomorrow before class and knock it out (your first class is not until 1pm). Nevertheless, you stuff your phone in the left pocket of your Lululemon ABC pants and cinch the backpack straps of your North Face Recon with a sense of pride. You are now in the game... it is time to deliver.

The HireVue

After a sloppy night out with the boys you roll over and fall out of your twin xl bunk bed onto the floor below. As you get up and make your way to the bathroom you wonder if Investment Bankers get stuck with the top bunk too. Surely not you say to yourself as you piss orange, completely missing the toilet below you... "When I am in IB, I will definitely get the bottom bunk" you say to yourself. After a Triple S (shit, shower, shave (in that order)) you throw on your wrinkled white Ralph Lauren dress shirt you got for Christmas and a pair of lacrosse sweatpants from high school, "They won't even see my bottom half" you say to yourself as you knock over the old coffee cups, empty zyn tins, and unprescribed adderrall prescriptions that cover your "desk". You fire up your laptop and navigate to Outlook, then to the HireVue website. As you read the instructions you question two things. 1.) Where can I get a tie and 2.) Did I need to prepare for this? After raiding your roommates closet and pulling out a pre-tied tie (you both went to the same prep high school and his dad used to tie his ties for him) you head back to the desk... go time you tell yourself. You maneuver through the three mentally stimulating HireVue questions with finesse and click submit without even watching your submissions back. You shut the laptop with a sense of pride and wonder if everyone else in your bootcamp cohort was able to rock that like you did (the questions asked why you want to work there, what three organizations you are currently a part of, and a time you had to work with others). Surely not, you tell yourself... 

Asking for Help

Fast forward three weeks and you receive yet another email from HR. This time, however, inviting you to a virtual Superday. You text your mom letting her know that you basically have the offer... you just have to do the last step to prove that you are chill and not a hardo who hand spreads comps for "reps". She responds with two thumbs up emojis and you question if she will ever love you as much as she loves your sister who is in med-school... she always sends her three thumbs emojis. Regardless, you begin prepping for your Superday as if your entire livelihood depends on it. You devise a plan that you are certain is full proof. You immediately text Jeremy, the president of your student-led investment fund on campus who you think is Jesus Christ himself because he landed an EB offer (non-diversity at that). Your text reads, "What up Jeremy - just wanted to let you know that all the hard work is finally paying off - have a Superday in 5 days. Can you mock me one of these coming nights? Thanks beast." You're infusion of meat riding Jeremy and asserting dominance over him makes you feel as if you have already surmounted him in terms of university Linkedin prestige. You can smell the "I am excited to announce..." post coming already... and you know that yours will get more likes, applauds, comments, and impressions than Jeremy's did last year (132, 54, 72, 300 you repeat to yourself). 

The Mock

After a useless mock interview with Jeremy, in which he asked you to pitch him a stock, explain the bridge from EBITDA to FCF, and left time for you to ask him questions, you feel as though you are ready. The night before you receive an email from HR with your interviewer's name. "He sounds like a chiller" you scoff in response to your roommate who asks "how its lookin." You hit the hay with confidence and know that tomorrow is your day. 

The Superday (GAME TIME)

After a bright and early wake-up you get dressed appropriately this time around (you even threw on the VV belt (vineyard vines) with the candy canes on it for good measure). You hop right into the Superday chat with an MD in which he first asks you how you would value an ice cream stand. As you mentally toggle through the quizlet flashcards you studied from the M&I 400, you realize that you might be fucked. However, you are able to match the word "value" to the idea of comparable companies and throw that out there on a whim. Fuck it you say. Might as well leave it all on the dance floor. The MD nods in approval to your disbelief. He then asks you to walk him from EBITDA (which he says with a weird emphasis on the 'DA') to FCF. "Shit" you say internally... Jeremy might actually be fucking Jesus Christ. You crush that softball tech harder than your boy Joe crushes four lokos... and that is saying a lot as Joe has been to rehab 3 times and is only a sophomore. The last question the MD throws out to you is to define what a fairness opinion is. You bullshit like never before and slap together an explanation that just passes well enough for him to not end the zoom on the spot. "Still alive" you say to yourself. You spend the last 20 minutes of the interview bonding with the MD over fantasy football and asking him a multitude of questions that aim to get him to talk about himself. "I got him right where I want him" you think internally. When all is said and done you say thank you and throw in a "looking forward to hearing from you soon" in the hopes that he will respond with a suggestive statement... he doesn't. He just ends the zoom promptly.

The Anticipation

The next 6 hours are treacherous. You recall hearing in the bootcamp that if you don't hear back the same day you are probably snipped, chopped, sliced, and fucked. You send Jeremy a text asking how long it took for him to hear back. "Heard back in the elevator on the way out of the office. They couldn't even wait for me to get home" says Jeremy. You realize further how big of an ass Jeremy is, but he did get the EB offer and for that reason you are his subordinate. You text back "makes sense. thanks big dog" and continue to wait impatiently for your card to be pulled. In the midst of considering how "risk and compliance consultant" or "assurance at Deloitte" would look on your Linkedin, you receive a call with a NYC area code. You urgently pick up and quickly lower your voice to seem as unfazed as possible. "Hi ____, this is Mr. MD, the team wants to extend you an offer. You have 7 days to accept." You accept on the spot, without considering until after the fact that this role had a non-specific location and there is a high likeliness you are going to wind up in the shitter regional office after group-placement. Won't matter anyway you reassure yourself. IBK is IBK. 

Paradise

After jumping for joy, emailing your mom the league tables and WSO Investment Banking 2023 comps and bonuses threads, and posting on Linkedin, you take a moment to breathe and take it all in. At this moment your roommate walks in. Instead of telling him the good news you resort to the action that you have been plotting for months. "Hey, move your shit out of the bottom bunk... that's mine now. Six figure earners don't sleep in elevated surfaces." His confused gaze pisses you off just enough to set-off your second mode of action. You send Jeremy a text, "What up boy - secured the offer... the MD said I was the best candidate he has seen in years" as you know this will devastate him because he also interviewed with this MD last year. Although your roommate hasn't moved his shit yet, you decide to crash in his bed because you can do that now... you are an investment banker. While you lay your head on his saliva stained pillow case you receive a text from your mother. It is three thumbs up emojis and a subsequent message, "So proud of you." You close your eyes in relief. Getting the offer is paradise.