IB Personal life years in
Wanna start a thread of how everyone maintains personal relationships emphasis on exp w/ SO after making it through the IB trenches pretty much an advice column/help each other out on any personal stuff + spreading positivity - kinda like free therapy / good energy for everyone - ask away!
For the guys, thoughts on cheating being the norm? Can a guy be slamming one chick but acc in love w/ another (long distance)? Are sr. bankers sorta intrusive/wanting to know everything about their SO’s?
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Nice! I agree w/ u completely! Being in college is def a + as u can meet up often!
Who threw MS on this post???
Idk in my case it has been quite a mess. I have two options:
A) Date extremely entitled women whose life goal is to have their husband pay for their expensive lifestyle
B) Date extremely ambitious & hardworking women who are perfect but our schedules make it imposible to keep a relationship
The former I refuse to deal with, the latter always starts great but feels like roommates more than partners and we eventually go separate ways. Fml
Would u say A) is common for guys in IB? I can see why anyone in IB would worry a little re if the other person likes them for them or our finances. How do the girls in A) behave vs. B)? Guessing clingy?
Hmm looking at B, this happens a lot for both guys/girls but have u tried dating someone at your firm (diff group)? I try to avoid this personally but if it’s serious u can always catch up during the day and she’d just get it as a banker too!
I think people in IB sacrifice a lot on their personal lifes, which makes it hard to keep a partner. No one likes to feel like they come in second to their SOs job, and it is hard to explain unless you are in the industry. As such, the people who “stay” tend to either get it or have a really long term vision, for which B and A fit the former and latter moulds respectively (which is why both are quite common in IB).
As per how they behave, it is quite obvious. Last time I was with an A it really felt like I was just financing her tastes. Every time we met I was spending $$$$, and she quite openly expected me to pay after her. When it came to birthdays, vacations, etc., she felt entitled to luxurious things. Overall, I always felt that if I told her I lost my job she would leave.
In terms of dating at the same firm, while I agree it makes things somewhat easier, I believe there is a big risk of reading the room wrong and making someone uncomfortable. As such, I don’t consider it an option unless she makes the first move. In general, I also try to keep work and my personal life separate entities tbf.
Both literally are “extreme”. How about be level headed (don’t get trigger here, not calling you NOT level headed) and find someone with balance?
If you’re not weird or a hardo it’s not terrible to build a meaningful relationship. Much easier maintaining one with a partner from college. Would also say that’s it’s hard to have it all though so maintaining a relationship + IB will require trade offs elsewhere
Crazy how in my group none of the VPs or Directors are married / have kids. Makes you reflect on the toll this job takes on people's lives. Just less time to meet future partners and maintain relationships. Thankfully I do since I didn't start in IB; if I didn't I'd guess I'd be in the same boat.
Most directors / MDs I know have wife, many have kids.
But yeah I’m sure your life is much richer for starting in big 4 or whatever
Ya it was you hardo loser, was at a ratings agency. Took all the vacation I could, no weekend work, went on trips and still made good money. Now go spread my comps
This is group dependent
I met my wife as a VP and she work a very intense job as well. You can make it work and honestly it wasn't hard to make it work.
It can be hard to go on dates sometimes when you have uncertain evenings, but I found doing things with high-performing women was actually easier as they didn't have the "no first dates on weekends" stupid rule as they had shit going on too during the week.
Plenty of people at my IB have gotten married and had kids as senior associates, VPs, and Ds. I'm in a hardworking group, but I will say that on the whole, I can tell the MDs are generally family people and seem to be pleased when they hear team members getting married, etc -- shows stability and maturity.
How did you transition into IB?
How did you transition into IB?
It's tough, and I've finding it hard to convince myself to stay in this industry forever. The hours (not so much the quantum of hours but the unpredictably of work and tendency of them to intrude on important personal events) are particularly difficult.
Fortunately (or unfortunately), my long-term (c. 10 year) partner also works in finance, so "gets the joke" about these hours, but we've been able to build a wonderful relationship since university, which makes me very lucky (I recognise this).
Our problem is envisaging a life where we continue our careers but introduce kids into the picture. We're trying to figure this out, and the obvious answer is a career move. It's a WIP. And a hard one.
My key thought / reflection about work is to care about work just a little bit less. It's cliche, but we truly aren't saving lives here. Colleagues / seniors will forget that a slide deck reached a client a day late. You won't get to have that day at your brother's wedding back. Or your kid's school play. Whatever it is. This is important not just for those relationships, but your own mental health. The other thing is to enjoy the job - I know that's lame, and no one in any industry truly "loves" their job, but it has to be interesting is it's a long-haul decision and not just a two-year analyst program and not. If there's nothing interesting for you, I think it's time to get out.
I don't have all the answers though here (clearly!) and welcome any advice that isn't the obvious "just change career" which is the best idea I have now
This may be a bit personal, and I apologize in advance, but have you considered freezing her eggs?
I used to work under a VP who was in her early 30s and she told me the reason she was so calm with regards to having kids is that she had frozen her eggs years ago.
Obviously I have little to no clue on the matter, but thought it could help.
Maybe
It's a sensible suggestion and thank you - we've talked about it and she prefers to do it naturally (there's also the cost, but that's a lesser issue). There's also the reality that I want to be physically and mentally healthy to say, know my grandkids, so there's another factor playing into wanting to have kids younger (fotunately I'm ~30 and she's a couple years younger so there's time!)
I forget the exact number but the survival rate of those frozen eggs are stupid low (like 10-20%?). It shouldn't be a plan A, more like a backup to the backup plan.
Advice is to get started yesterday on the more important things in your life, if you want kids. You’re probably already 30+? I know far too many couples who waited too long and are having really bad fertility issues, it's unfortunate
Quite a frank comment but I can't help but agree with you. I'm ~30 and she's a couple years younger so now really is the time to tackle the issue. Thanks for the candour!
Works out best/easiest if you meet someone in college or before beginning the grind and have a ton of goodwill. The other way is to simply find something slower/more relaxed. It won't be BB/EB/MM IB or most MF/UMM/MM PE firms but there are shops out there that will give you the space needed and prioritize lifestyle. Of course these come with a pay cut relative to what you would get at larger and more known firms but you're still making more than 99% of Americans and on a trajectory to millions if you stay the course.
Worst case nowadays, you find a remote corp dev opportunity and climb up to director/VP of corp dev where you can take down ~$300K+ in a LCOL city. Tougher if you need or really want to stay in HCOL areas though.
Tbf idt OP meant horror stories but since it's ask away … let's go. I didn't date in college after freshman yr cuz I did 2 years exchange and didn't wanna do LD (looking back this was a dumb idea). Once I started the IB grind, had crazy hrs like everyone else and COVID happened. Started dating a fellow banker (met him at an open office event) and he switched offices weeks after … now we're LD. Thought this would work better with our hours and checking in but found out he watched me for yrs b4 asking me out. He monitors who talks to me and watches my internet history (had no idea until his friend spilled). And he told me he couldn’t go w/o doing it for months LD but I found out he’s been doing the same girl for years. I feel like he’s a sociopath for being so smooth. C’mon guys do u think he’s telling the truth? he’s been doing her for ~3 yrs. was w/her for maybe 6 mos. started following me 4 mos. in and got w/ me 2 yrs. later. Idk wat to say, can a guy do a girl for years and not catch feels? Makes me cringe! Haha ik thjs is a horror story but idk I’m lost
Personally I don’t want a super high achiever partner who works in finance because it will be a nightmare to make it work and I cannot make the effort around her schedule as much as I want my partner to work around mine.
The ideal is to find a girl that has more availability and basically works around you, and also provides a bit of a cocoon / feminine energy so it refreshes you rather than makes you more tired.
The types of relationships I’ve seen are
- You met the girl before and she’s understanding of your lifestyle
- You met a colleague in IB
- You meet a girl on Tinder who’s understanding as well and can work around your schedule and see her 1-2x a week
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