Married Before or During First Year of Analyst Stint
Hello,
I'm in a predicament. I need to decide whether to propose and marry the girl that I love before starting my first year as a full time IB Bulge Bracket analyst or to do it during the first year or after the first year. I want some straight forward advice on this, because I want to be able to make the best decision possible. I fully understand how difficult the first few years on the job are and how crazy this sounds.
Some info: I have drilled into her the facts about the job (80-110 hours a week, stress, etc) to the point that she has said that it feels like I'm trying to push her away, however, she said she's with me and will be there to support me. In addition, proposing, and her acceptance, would mean that she would be moving out of the state where she grew up and where her family currently resides, and she has communicated that this would be very tough for her, especially if it feels like it is marriage in name only for the first year. However, she still wants to do it to start a new life with me.
Your advice is greatly appreciated; please shoot straight, given your own experience, what you've seen others do, what you think is common sense, etc.
prenup prenup prenup, that is all
A prenup only protects assets that you bring into a marriage. Any assets that are accumulated post-marriage will be considered joint marital assets (even if they are mostly accumulated based on the effort of the husband) and your spouse will be eligible to get her share of those assets.
So, unless OP is coming into the marriage with substantial assets (unlikely since he is a senior in college), I don't think he has much to worry.
What screws up most men in divorce is not so much the division of joint marital assets (although still painful) but alimony. So the thing I would focus on is making sure that your future wife-to-be is a ambitious hard-working professional with high earning potential (e.g. doctor, lawyer, etc.) who wants to work throughout the marriage (e.g. no stay-at-home moms).
Missing some critical information friend.
-how long have you been seeing each other -have you ever lived together -what are your family / cultural / socioeconomic backgrounds and do they overlap -what are her career / life ambitions; is she career driven and independent or will she require more hand holding and consistent close attention -do her career / family goals align with yours -are you both aligned on finances and how to spend / save -what is yours / her dating experience; have each only been with very few people
Unless you check all the following boxes: have lived together for a meaningful period of time, encountered life challenges that you have overcome together, aligned in career / life / financial goals and time frame for those, similar cultural and socioeconomic backgrounds -
unless you have ALL of those boxes checked at the very minimum, getting married at this point in your life could be a life-alteringly devastatingly poor decision.
Thanks for your reply.
-We've been seeing each other for 3 months.
-We have not lived together, but she sleeps over the majority of the week so it feels like it.
-We are of the same religious background and believe the same things. She grew up in wealth, but I grew up in the middle class.
-she is career driven, but not as independent as she could be. She would want attention, which I believe is very normal.
-Our career and family goals do align.
-We both believe in saving much more than spending and being frugal.
Thanks very much for taking the time to respond.
yeah, the answer would be no go
3 months? No-go big guy. You hardly know the gal
Woah, you should consider pumping the brakes on this one. Three months is nowhere near enough time to be making this decision. Obviously there's no set in stone amount of time before you can propose, but personally I wouldn't even consider it for at least 1.5-2 years. You're still in the infatuation phase of your relationship- you may feel completely different 6 months from now when that wears off. You don't want to have a sudden realization that you're love was driven off of infatuation rather than an in-depth understanding of one another. If that is the case, already being married presents a whole host of issues that could really screw up your life
unless you're mormon, 3 months is really crazy short - and even then...
on a side note, i've changed my mind and returned pants more than 3 months after buying so...
Jesus Christ. 3 Months.......
No no no no no no no no no no.
I was with a girl, got engaged in 6 months, and jumped out the window at a year. I worked 60 hours a week in sales, and all i ever heard was that I dont spend time with her, i dont do the the things she wants to do, etc because I just like to relax after trying to convince people to do what they do not want to do..and she wanted to do other stuff.
And that is with 60 hours. You will be working potentially double what I did. DO NOT get married. DO NOT propose. MAYBE live together, but then again she is going to be living alone because you will never be there physically (or mentally).
At 3 months, you should be trying to stick it in her bum bum, not letting her stick all of the risk that comes with divorce/kids in yours.
Jesus, your smart enough to get into IBD but not smart enough to make a logical decision...
Give her some time to run. It'll probably happen. Girls don't stick around unless they can realistically call you and expect you to do shit for them every 5 minutes. You sound like you're trying to lock her down and throw away the key before she has the chance to get away. It won't work, and you don't need that.
Bump - what are exit options after her?
After a two year stint, he can start interviewing for PE (parental equity) as well as consulting ops derived from a connected socialite network.
The best advice I have ever been given when it comes to marriage is to never put a time frame around marrying who you love. Stop thinking in terms of, "We have to get married now, before life gets hard," or "If we don't get married this year we probably won't last." Marriage will come when you both want it enough and are committed to each other enough that your circumstances will not effect the outcome. Recognize that marriage is a choice and that if both parties choose to love and support each other it is an incredible blessing. Having a teammate to help you go through the stress of banking life could be a huge benefit, but don't think in those terms. Instead figure out what you can contribute to her, and if you can feel good about your ability to make her happy even when life is crazy I would say go for it.
Good luck
Decide after the two-year stint. The two years will act as a test of her love for you.
If she truly wants to be with you, she would be willing to put up with your career obligations.
I know you said that you've "drilled" it into her head that the job will take up a lot of your time and be stressful, but theory is many times very different from application.
Your girl is going to cheat on you, regardless. Working 90 hours a week is going to make her feel like she's in a long-distance relationship and she'll miss intimacy. When you do make time for her it will begin to feel forced and she'll be able to tell that she's no longer a priority in your mind. You'll stop developing new inside jokes and slowly drift apart to the point where you go out to dinner and there's just nothing to say.
Her, being a pretty girl in a big city, will get tons of attention from other, more available sources. Other men will grow on her, well you remain distant, and ultimately attraction will form as surely as mold grows on bread that's left in the cupboard too long. She'll cheat on you because she doesn't know how else to break it off and you'll take a fat L. Guarantee it.
projecting much? who hurt you my dude
Never happened to me, I only pork gay dudes. I know how women are though.
disclaimer: never been in ib (corp fin), but married with kids and a little older so hopefully I can provide some perspective.
My original suggestion was going to be to propose before ib but make it clear that the wedding would be after your analyst stint. Explain to her that you're making a complete commitment to her, but the wedding will have to wait. Tell her that you really want to enjoy marriage with her and the limitations of your analyst role won't allow that. You're going to spend the rest of your life together and as important as the wedding is, it's worth waiting a little bit longer and doing everything right.
Then I read the details of your situation. FULL STOP.
Many of us have been there (myself included) and I'm sure you 100% feel what you're saying, but everyone is telling you not to do it for a reason. You guys are very young and still in the lust stage, which is great, but you are not ready for marriage. You're both going to change a lot over the next few years and if you do it together your relationship could develop into something really special, but there is the very real possibility that it doesnt. That doesn't mean to give up on the relationship now, but certainly don't over commit.
You need to have an honest conversation with her: You're not warning her how bad the analyst stint is to drive her away, you're warning her because you care. You are invested in making this work and the next 2 years are going to be hard. You want her to know that so she's prepared and you guys can work through that. Be honest and supportive and then as much as it sucks, she's going to have to be mature enough to accept that. I would not go any further than saying that this will be a huge challenge, but it'll be worth it in the long run.