Starting FT in a city 3 hours away, dad has progressing Parkinson's. Looking for advice.
Starting a FT role in a city 3 hours away via train/drive. Dad's diagnosis came 2-ish years ago but has had symptoms for about 7-9 years. Suffered a fall a month and a half ago and has gotten worse since. My mom has been his primary caretaker for the past few years while I've been at school and leaving home makes me feel extremely guilty. Unfortunately, given how things are at home and in the greater job market, I can't really afford to quit or try and find something else closer to home. I've got a lot in student loans and obviously plan on helping out where I can.
Right now my family is in a pretty crappy lower-middle income situation. We are too "rich" to get anything like medicaid/medicare or any other sort of in home care yet we are too poor to afford any sort of private care. We will 100% need care once my mom goes back to working in schools this fall, for the summer now she can manage though it hurts to see the stress and toll it's taken on her.
I guess what I'm looking at now is trying to come home as often/reasonably as possible. Maybe 2-3 times per month, depending on how busy it is. How should I go about discussing this personal matter with deal teams? I don't want people to look at my situation and find me unreliable/cuttable. I was thinking maybe leave Thursday nights, remote Friday's and return Sunday afternoon/evening.
Any sort of advice would mean a lot, this whole situation has really changed my life in the last few months especially and I feel hopeless to be honest and extremely bitter towards the American healthcare complex.
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Great
Commenting to try and get the post more visibility -- i personally have no concrete advice, but wanted to wish you the best. It is quite noble for you to keep your family in mind. Keep fighting.
A job is just a means to an end.
Family first!!
Best of luck with your situation
Very tough situation and hope the best for you and your family. I would suggest keeping details at a minimum with your team, they’re just co workers at the end of the day and in my experience, it’s never benefitted anyone to share personal family matters at the office.
Assuming WFH Fridays are already in place and you don’t need any exceptions, it should be manageable, but will be difficult at times (depends how much deal flow your firm is getting).
Might be tougher in your first year and some weeks you might need to return home late Thursday night / Friday night, but you will have more flexibility as you progress in your career.
Best of luck to you!
Are there any buyside firms in your hometown?
Hey, not really sure as I haven’t started my FT yet either but wanted to let you know that you’re not alone - my dad has dementia, and I’m in a very similar situation with my mom taking on a lot of the responsibility. Curious to see what ends up working best for you.
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You remind me of me almost 20 years ago. When I was age 24 - 32 year old, my dad had a stroke then vascular dementia, and eventually died after 8 years. My dad had his stroke a year after I left home (Honolulu) and I was already starting my career in San Francisco. My dad moved to SF to live with me and my girlfriend for about 6 months to get heart bypass surgery at Stanford, but I almost got fired from my buyside analyst job. After my dad moved back to Honolulu to live with my younger sister, my performance review my VP said I improved dramatically (it never dawned on them that my dad moved back home; at my level nobody cared; just care about results).
Here’s a timeline that I hope gives you the perspective that you should prioritize your career (the economic engine for your family) and perhaps you can “buy time.” Like you, we had limited resources. My mom died when I was 5, so it was just me and my younger sister.
The 8 Years
Pre-2005: dad showed signs of mild cognitive impairment (MCI)
2006: stroke
2007: dad moves to SF from Honolulu to get heart surgery; dad’s mind becomes foggy post surgery; moves back home after 6 months; my job performance improves; we sell family home (could not afford to stay), we buy a 2BR/2BA condo
2008-2010: dad attends adult day social; we used City disability van service for his transportation to adult day; I would fly home 2-4 times a year and stay over
2010: dad incontinence begins; needs adult diapers
2011: my sister starts complaining for me to help out more; I find a live-in caregiver to move into one of the condo bedrooms (a Masters of Social work student from out of state). We “buy” about a year. Dad still goes to adult day (adult day beginning to complain that dad is becoming a 2 person assist and maybe not right for the service). Sister moves out, has more independence.
Later in 2011 around Christmas: dad falls and breaks hip. Was in rehabilitation hospital. Medicare only covers two weeks. Rude awakening for families. I learn how to transfer him from bed to wheelchair. He will never walk again without a walker and someone by his side.
2012: we find an adult day care service (higher acuity than adult day social); we still use the City handicap van. My dad’s live in caregiver is getting burned out. I am on my honeymoon in SE Asia, and my sister sends me a long email. She’s had it. Can’t do this any longer. My responsibility. I get back and make arrangements for him to move to San Francisco. I rent a 3BR/3BA apartment and hire two live-in caregivers and enroll my dad in the Alzheimer’s Association adult day care. My work office is three blocks from his apartment. I’m actively managing and always stopping by. This arrangement works for about 6 months.
2013-2014: I move my dad into assisted living / memory care. I switch jobs as well and it is closer to my home and also closer to my dad’s assisted living. At least 2-3 weekdays I’m visiting after work in the evenings, and on the weekends, especially Saturdays dad and I go out and have lunch. It was wonderful to just be his son and have the care and other chores taken care of by the staff. My sister decides to move to the Bay Area as well. I spent a lot of time with him in the last two years of his life. No regrets at all.
So, given the timeline of how it is possible that your dad will live for more years. That your mom will eventually burn out. That there are services like adult day social/care that you can pay to help give respite and allow people to work during the day. And that there are creative ways to “buy time” (but highly management intensive). Your family’s economic future rests in your hands, and the optionality and ability to afford more help. That is hugely important. Not just for you, but for your mom, your future spouse, your future kids. Balance is important. You have to play the long game.
A bit of a pep talk.
Nearly everyone will have to deal with aging parents. After having to change your dad’s adult diaper, changing your baby’s diaper one day will seem like a piece of cake.
Going through this, so early in your adult life in your 20’s (as opposed to in your 40’s and 50’s) will make you I think a more resilient person. Not that 40-50 year old don’t have challenges too - they do, many with kids to compete time with, immovable due to their school and friends, a wife going through menopause or pre-meno and midlife crisis, a crazy work life with positions on the chopping block, and higher expenses not to mention a quality experience you want for your kids (travel, extracurriculars, possibly private schools).
In your 20’s, you likely don’t have the burdens (and joy) of kids. Instead, you see life as in their twilight of someone who you relied on as a child, now frail and dependent. You also see the often cruel disparities of peers spending quality, carefree time with their still healthy parents. Life can be unfair.
The simple answer if your parents had money is move dad into assisted living.
Since you don’t have money (during my timeline, I went from $65K income to unemployed less than $20K to when we moved dad into assisted living, I was making over $120K). This was basically a 8 year parlay, and I had to do well at work to provide. There is no better motivator than putting the weight of, but also privilege of serving your family.
In the meantime, there were some “hacks” that I mentioned in my timeline to “buy time.”
This “old man feeling” of knowing things will change, but also resiliency that things will be ok, will in my opinion make you a better person, parent, and in some cases leader/manager/investor.
This is a privilege. This is a rite of passage. And a test. It is perfectly alright to ask for help. Life won’t be carefree. Communicate your vision with your mom. They might only see what’s in front of them, but sell the “long term” and give hope (this is something you have to do in hard times in many situations). Things change, they always do. It can get better. You will set up systems. Life can be rich with love. You got this.
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