My managing director always tells me, "Keyser, have a good weekend."
What my managing director actually means is, "Keyser, Bend over."
...and I fall for it every time.
Curious to hear what fallacious things your MD tells you?
Mod Note (Andy): One of the posts of 2017 that have the most views .
"Thank you for your help"
Translation: "You're not getting another dime of my money"
Past experience:
"You can just throw this together real quick, nothing fancy..."
Translation: "Cancel your plans for the next 6 days."
"You were a big help on this one"
Translation: "I didn't want to do that shitty work I made you do"
i'm done.
"Client loved the work, but we have some follow up"
Translation: "We did not even open the book."
MD: I'm going to step out of the office.
Translation: Goes and plays a round of golf instead.
"maybe it makes sense to show a slide where"
Translation: one more heavily footnoted slide that is in the appendix that will take the night to turn through and have ready that never gets looked at :P
someone posted this before https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcsRKaJPNDM</a">A day in the life of an Analyst
MD: "I have some light comments"
Translation: "You're going to be here all night"
--
Star VP: "md wants us to pull together this analysis by the AM. Sorry man - really appreciate your help on this one."
Translation: "I have no idea what md wants, but I'm too much of a pussy to ask, and I'm going to burn you to cover my ass.
"Good morning"
Translation: "Go fuck yourself you fucking scumbag piece of shit asshole motherfucker kill yourself"
wtf
You'll understand one day young grasshopper
MD: Thx
Translation: Jackass
Caught me off guard and I legit lol'ed. Have this golden banana since I can only give one silver.
MD: Hey, Goldmonkey, I'm leaving. Shoot me an email when you're done with the project. See you on Monday!
Translation: You little fuckboy better not leave this office all weekend or you'll be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen.
My favorite MD: "This is a great opportunity for you to take on some added responsibility."
Translation: "Please don't fuck anything up."
MD: Why don't you take a first crack at this and kick the tires a bit on the deck?
Reality: lol I don't know what the fuck this is about so why don't you take a first chance of fucking it up so I can scream about how it needs to be better later you little shit
I'll add the reverse side of this from the analysts perspective:
MD: "How was your weekend?" Analyst: "Nothing too serious, just took it easy"
Translation: "Blacked out hard both nights and lost my credit card"
"Swing by when you have a second" = "Come to my office immediately so I can ruin your weekend with work"
"Can you walk me through these outputs?" = "I'm pretty sure you did something wrong and will crucify you if you miscalculated any of these numbers."
"Any plans for the weekend?" = "If you're not that busy, I haven't given you enough work and will have to increase your workload."
VP here. Have been the Staffer at the office. A few things that I would like to point out on how Associates and Analysts are fucking up my life. I am not the evil person at the office. There are Directors and MDs above me, whom I need to turn in quality work to win clients so that all of us get paid. There are areas that we can all work together to improve upon:
If you have questions, come to my desk and ask immediately. Don't wait until the next day or a week later. And don't turn in work that I cannot use for client meeting. And if there were a lot of mistakes, I am really going to hate you for this. My job is win clients and supervise you. I actually don't enjoy assigning you work. I had been an Associate before. What I had asked you to do, I could have done in 2 hours but I am expected to mentor you and bring you up to speed.
Don't say stupid shit in front of the clients. I have seen a few times Associates try to mange the clients directly. But they haven't built relationship with the client long enough to understand what they want. If you say stupid shit in front of clients that make me do extra work, I am going to hate you for this. Like suggesting the client to look for financial investors, when we are almost signing a term sheet with a strategic buyer. You know who will be doing 100+ company profiles of potential financial buyers? Yes you.
Taking unscheduled leaves. I am going to be pissed off, if I see you go drinking on your Facebook and the next day, you call in sick. You are not sick, you are just hangover drunk. If you always take a day off without letting me know, there is no way that I can manage the workload and to assign meaningful work to you. Don't blame me if you don't have meaningful deal experience on your resume. And worst, don't lie about this on your resume, the buy-side guy is going to call me to check and you know exactly what I am going to tell him.
Do not complain about the work load. Been there. Done that. It is a part of the job. The client have their own BOD to answer to. And they are going to ask for everything to cover their asses. Our job is to make it easier for client to convince their BOD to get things done.
Do not have too many dentist appointments. We all know that once after getting bonus or after one year, you will be actively looking for buy-side opportunities. Don't try to hide from us. Let us know and we are supportive of your decision. Plus, we do have relationship with the buy-side. And if you had already decided to leave, don't clog the desk. We would happily show you the door and hire your replacement.
Boss: "Let's circle back on this later"
Translation: "I don't want to deal with any of this bullshit. Figure out what it all means and then summarize it for me, preferably printed out on legal size paper in size 64 font with some type of color coordinated, footnoted map involved, because, fuck it, everyone loves maps."
MD: "Help me understand this."
Translation: "You're wrong, I'm just not sure exactly how yet."