IU Kelley is Paradise

It is thanksgiving and your uncle has asked you where you plan on attending college next year,
you often tell them "Waiting to hear back from Ivy". Many of your friends, however, have
already received their acceptance letters and you haven’t received anything. Luckily, you
searched WSO and found out IU Kelley had a great pipeline within their business school, so you
applied. You feel you can be a "grinder" and still go to school at a "prestigious business school"

You have also read numerous forums on WSO regarding "Dream School" and "Underdog
Stories". You picture yourself as a young hustler on wall street who was a "grinder" and a true bonified
"underdog." 

An "IU Kelley" Student is Born

Flash forward through a semester of "Rushing" where you felt welcomed into your fraternity and
found your lifelong "brothers." Luckily, you have told your wealthy uncle that you are at a
prestigious business school and that joining PIKE will be a great networking tool. He
immediately wires the funds. You have now found your "home." One of your fraternity brothers
has told you finance is the way to go at a mixer with Alpha-Phi. You decide to major in finance
after you read forums of investment banking managing directors making what a good medical
doctor will make in half of the time. Luckily, your fraternity brothers are full of "diversity" even
though they all oddly dress the same in their colored polos, khaki shorts, and Sperry sleds. 
You quickly find yourself at a direct "IU Kelley IB recruiting event." You speak to several
recruiters and always remember "I should be on Wall Street." You wear your Macy’s navy suit
with Sperry sleds and sport a PIKE pin on your coat. You feel unstoppable. Many recruiters are pleased to
make your acquaintance and even seem to mesh as you come up with a distinct attention
grabbing "I've dreamed of being a managing director since I was 16" line. Unfortunately nothing came to fruition. If only there was another way.

 
Fast forward a year or so and one FP&A summer internship that your uncle had provided you.
You unfortunately went a little too "hard" and self-proclaimed yourself the "IU Kelley Business
School Genius" and your GPA has slipped to the low 3's. You quickly make a post on WSO “At what GPA
is too low to list on your resume?” The answers are grim. One response says “If it’s under 3.5
don’t even try.” You quickly brush that off and remember that David Solomon got rejected from
Goldman. You are unsure how to complete a DCF for an industrial business, however,
your "best buddy," Chad has sent you the WSO interview flashcards. You memorize them word for word and
know you are going to be the next Wolf of Wall Street. You apply for bulge bracket banks first because
well, you are cream of the crop.   

DCFYALATER

You didn’t realize that after a few hirevues they may send a modeling test your way to compare
you to fellow applicants. You yell "Fuck"; as loud as you can and punch another hole in your
fraternity house wall. In your model, you decide to hard code the entire model and are left with
numerous #REFs and are unsure how to properly calculate WACC and FCF.

You then get the rejection letters and decide to forget them with a combination of white claws,
Pink Whitney, and vodka because beer has been hurting your stomach lately. The next morning
you reestablish yourself and your fraternity brothers tell you to apply to some of the elite boutiques and
other IB shops that Kelly has placed into. You begin to freak out about getting another rejection
letter, unsure of your next move.

23AndMe to the Rescue

You take SCI-100 the spring before and remember a brief lecture on genetics. You remember that
you have some heritage from South Africa, probably a 2nd cousin, but you have lived in a gated
community nearly your whole life and went to top private schools.

You then buy the 23andme test. You decide to bolster your resume in the meantime and
remember IU Kelly is #T-26 and might as well be an ivy league. You think that you are still
bulge bracket material, but that they have flaws in their recruiting process and the modeling
test was “Bullshit”. You then create a list of schools and remember you have reached out to
several recruiters you previously have talked to. You called your old lacrosse teammate from
high school who secured his Incoming Goldman Sachs SA job, but you think he isn’t quite IB material and
probably got it due to him being a “Diversity” hire.

Your 23andMe results are in your email box. You are ecstatic. You read the fine print under
African that reads “1.3% western African”. You run down your fraternity staircase and tell your
bros that you are black. They tell you that you are white, and to "STFU." They seem to
forget their anthropology class where many people came from western Africa or eastern Europe.
However, you remember your old friend who secured his Incoming Goldman SA job.

Incoming Diversity Candidate

Due to your memorization of the WSO flashcards, there is another IU Kelley recruiting event.
There are several EBs there and you use your rehearsed “Managing Director Dream” along with technical
knowledge to nail down a future application. The recruiter sends you the application and you
remember that you have 1.3% western African DNA, so naturally you deem yourself as a “Highly Skilled Diversity Candidate.” 

You massively apply and spam out resumes and applications. You make sure to click “African”
in each application because you believe you are a diversity candidate. You end up nailing down interviews and receive your fulltime SA offer from an EB. You explode with happiness.

You decide to throw a wicked Frat party to celebrate with your “brotherhood” and decide
“Anyone is welcome” due to you securing your esteemed SA stint. Before the party you quickly update your LinkedIn to reflect the change "Incoming Summer Analyst at EB." You've been waiting a long time for that. During the party you tell Samantha, the hottest girl at Alpha Phi, your plans for the summer and that you secured one of the most prestigious jobs on Wall Street. She responds with "Who is EB, I've never heard of them before, I know that Chad got an offer from Goldman." You quickly brush off this impiety and huge blow to your ego. You end up drinking 14 white claws and remember speaking to some other hopeful IU Kelley business students before quickly blacking out. You tell them you were a diversity hire drunkenly. The next day you wake up hungover and you can’t remember quite what happened the night before.

You start your SA stint at your EB in NYC. A week or so in you receive an email that
appears to be from HR. Everything was perfect until that email. Your heart stops, and then immediately starts racing. The email is titled [email protected]. “Inaccurate Application”. The email tells you that you must come forward about your resume and show indisputable proof that you are a diversity hire. You go neurotic, and send an email back without thinking, apologizing for your capriciousness.

An hour or so go bye and you haven’t received a call or email. You then get confused and start to
wonder why you haven’t given that you just confessed. You check and see that you have
been involved in phishing and that you essentially reported yourself. You call your fraternity
president, Chad, immediately and tell him what happened. He tells you to delete your LinkedIn
and you respond with “I have over 700 connections bro, I can’t delete that”. You insist and the
word gets out right away on WSO.

A few days later you realize you must delete this off of your LinkedIn and start thinking about where you
can work this summer. You find small boutique shops where you spam 393 emails titled
“Hardworking, Skilled, Business student”. You even seem to be famous. You debate DMing
Mark Moran to go on his podcast, but your fraternity president insists that you lay low. You remind
yourself you are “cream of the crop” and you might have to have that “underdog” story to reach
stardom in IB.