We're digging through resumes for summer analysts again. Thought everyone might enjoy or benefit from a few of the real gems (all emphasis mine):
"Objective: To obtain an internship in the field of financial services to utilize my VAST analytical and quantitative skills."
The kid's a sophomore with a 3.43 GPA; how vast can he be? This reminds me of an ex-boyfriend of mine who described himself in public once as "massively endowed" when he actually had around six and a half inches. Nothing to laugh at, of course, but nothing you want to stand up and shout about either.
"I have been trading in various markets since my senior year in high school to seek a maximum return.... my returns for the past three consecutive years are 12%, 23%, and 28%."
Great way to show me that you approach financial markets like a hotshot stockbroker, taking on as much risk as possible in up years with no capacity to control for sigma. I would probably cringe to see the beta of your portfolio. When blood runs in the streets up here, that blood belongs to folks like you. (By the way, we're bankers. If you can't tell, we are not impressed by portfolio managers.)
One guy extended his resume from one to two pages... and the only thing on the second page was a summer job as a retail clerk at Hollister & Co. Clothing. Clearly he thinks it's a big enough part of his total package to justify a whole second page. Heh. Folks, when I read a resume I want to picture someone who can impress me and my clients, not the pimply kid who goes into the back to find me another pair of jeans. Sure, most of us have worked retail at some time or another, but it's not something you put on your resume unless you're applying for more retail. You are selling what you are telling, and if you tell me you work in retail, you are trying to sell me a retail clerk, which I don't want or need.
Here's another:
"Experience: Cheeburger Cheeburger, Princeton Jct. NJ. Assistant manager, server, bartender, summer 2006-present. Served food to more than four tables at a time, handled take out orders, phone orders, and managed ice cream bar."
Great. I'm sure that ice cream bar experience was very challenging. Now get me a scoop of vanilla, fudge, extra nuts.
"I have maintained a 3.39 GPA while actively participating in a fraternity and several competitive intramural sports."
Great. Maybe you should have partied less, stayed off the courts, and studied more. I would have been far more impressed had you said, "I got kicked out of my fraternity but maintained my 3.95 GPA." If it's 3 AM and I find a critical mistake in your comp sheet when I have a 9 AM deliverable, your fraternity will not save you from my wrath, my friend. Frat experience is no excuse for a 3.39.
Not at all. I'm actually about to go downstairs and meet the guy and I hope I like him, because I think he'd be great.
But to be perfectly honest, though I just made fun of the kid who worked at Cheeburger Cheeburger, I would bet that working in fast food, being polite to pissed-off people who are in a hurry, being treated like crap and underpaid, having to perform up to code with inferior products, insufficient oversight, and slacker teammates is a much better preparation for an analyst's life than fetching coffee at the White House. But the White House guy's going to get the job and the Cheeburger Cheeburger guy isn't. And that's life.
Hey, Sshiah, that's exactly what I (and almost everybody else) did for our sophomore years. Of course we know that it's mostly busywork, but it would be going too far to downplay it. Everyone else plays it up, and playing it up is expected. If I was talking to someone formally (in an interview, not as a friend) who admitted that his internship was bullshit, I would wonder if it was even MORE bullshit than mine was, which would be pretty sad.
We expect salesmanship; we expect experiences to be puffed up. If they aren't, you may win the prize for honesty and straight shooting, but that (unfortunately) won't help you compete.
Take a look at this:
XXX Securities, Summer Intern:
-- Got coffee four times daily. -- Made the advisors' daily appointments with utmost precision. -- Filed customer data in the right folders with 99.5% accuracy. -- Cleaned out filing cabinet. -- Always knew where the Dow was trading.
Or this:
XXX Securities, Summer Intern:
-- Revolutionized data retrieval system, resulting in 30% more efficient retrieval process. -- Studied for Series 7 exam (for exam date next semester). -- Prepared all client presentations using PowerPoint while negotiating difficult Compliance deadlines. -- Modeled client portfolios in Excel, including Black-Scholes modeling for efficient valuation of derivative securities within each portfolio. -- Extensive contact with clients and senior management in both meetings and informal lunch and dinner settings.
Same job. Two very different marketing approaches.
Great, make fun of the the kid with the crappy job. I only had crappy jobs, too, when I was applying. You know why? Because I am a first generation who couldn't use daddy's connections to get an internship as a sophomore. Because those are the only people who get internships as sophomores in ibanking. 90% of the people who intern as sophomores are connected.
Last year when I interned at a BB, there was a kid who was an intern as a sophomore, because his daddy was a big shot at MS and knew people. Here is his typical day: 9:30 Come to work, eat breakfast, read the WSJ till around 1:00, because no one gave me any work 1:00 Go eat lunch til about 2:00 because no one gave me any work 2:00 Get coffee, make some copies 5:30 Go home And you know what? That kid is going to put "summer internship at a BB" and wow you. You are probably reading his resume and being impressed right now. Next year when I am reading resumes, I would definitely choose the Burger guy over the worthless connected rich kid. And he will do a much better job.
Re: being a cold-hearted bitch and having the wrong attitude, my team sifts through hundreds of resumes per session and has less than 20 seconds per resume to decide yes or no. Thus, all of us (including myself) have to divorce what we really believe from what the bank wants. It does us no good to bring in guys who worked primarily in burger joints, because the bankers who interview them will make fun of them and they won't make it through the first round. Beyond that, the senior bankers will come to us asking why we turned away all the candidates with "good, useful bulge bracket experience" and gave them a bunch of "fast food losers" instead. The system is massive and self-propagating. For me, a single powerless analyst, to try to undermine it or fight it would be like trying to hand out my paycheck to fight world hunger. My effort would be swallowed up without a single effect except my own termination of employment.
My point is this. We've all worked retail, and we've all worked food service. Me? My mom and aunt have been on and off welfare their whole lives. Do I let these bankers know that? Hell no. Do I put my mall retail experience on my resume? Hell no. Do I flash my South Decatur colors and walk in ghetto-fabulous in a pink tracksuit with my name in silver sequins across my ass? Hell no. You have to sell what bankers want to buy. It's all in the marketing. I'm trying to help those who need to learn how to do it.
This is the reality you face as an applicant. This is what really goes on behind closed doors. Understanding it is more than half the battle.
The fact that you first started a thread to openly make fun of rejected applicants (and, yeah, you really only had 20 seconds to scan their resume before completely forgetting about them), and then turned around and said "It's unfair but I can't do anything about it", just shows how much of an insecure bitch and a hopeless tool you are.