What would be your reaction as HR recruiter receiving this mail??
The context, after almost a month of receiving an initial mail asking for legal status and time availability to work at the location where the position is being offered and compensation expectations, I haven't received any feedback yet( I use to be ok with handling pressure but this is a dream job for me right now and I have to admit that my nerves and anxiety are a little more out of control of what I 'd wish with excessive and constant email checkings looking for a response) and in the meantime I've made two interviews for another company which has invited me for a third one with the senior staff after which an offer is presumed ( it's really an ok job with lots of exposure to evolve into programming and capital markets in a highly regarded company in the european financial industry, but not THE dreamjob as the other one is), I even have another initial shown of interest from another important bank for a relatively not too challenging and simple role that could allow me to "put the foot in the door" in one of the most important investment banks ( JPM/CS/MS) that I haven't even mentioned in the mail and to be honest I'm not considering too much either.My aim is to project honesty, initiative and a strong interest of joining the company for whom the mail is addressed. I would enjoy any reasoned and argumented feedback from someone with field experience enough on the other end of the line... Thanks"Dear XXXXXXI hope that this message finds you well. I totally understand that your team may be facing very important loads of work at the moment, but I would like to know if it could be possible to have further information about the state of my application to the position XXXXXXXXXXXX. I've recently had different interviews with a company that has shown a very strong interest in my previous application and in order to give them a response, first I would like to know what would be the possibilities and conditions to join XXXXXXX because that would be my prioritary option. Because of the relevance of your project and its global reach, I would strongly prefer the possibility of joining your team, and I wouldn't like to create any inconveniences in the process of selection for the company that is offering me a role or for the rest of candidates involved in the current state of the process. My top priority for the next stage of my professional career would be joining the position offered at XXXXXXXX and I want to be totally open and honest when giving a response to the offer that I'm about to receive from this other company. I wouldn't like to give them a positive response knowing that they aren't my prioritary option at all. Please let me take this opportunity again to send you my kindest regards and thank you for your time. "That's it. It's been already sent so whatever your take may be at least wish me luck, I would wish it to you too monkeys... Best regards
UPDATE : Yesterday I had the offer from the company that showed a strong interest and also another interview request from the bank so I guess some rabid turdhead naysayers without any constructive feedback at all who thought that knew everything can go to EAD, just saying...For the people out there putting the hardwork and listening loads of bs from miserable individuals, just keep going focused on the goal no matter what, you'll make it and you'll be proud of it
Granted I’m only an intern but this seems unnecessarily long and a bit desperate sounding. I don’t see an issue with reaching out in the first place but maybe learn how to write in a more concise manner.
Wanted to be detailed and polite but just for the record It's not that I don't know to write in a more concise style and as desperate as you may be to just say something you don't fill the requirement of " field experience on the other side end of the line" so basically a pointless and useless argument. Regards
Haven’t read it - too long and prob Hr will do the same, but I laughed when I noticed you put CS in the same sentence with MS and JPM
You guys need to chill a little with the status branding bs and all that... thanks for the "constructive" feedback anyway but I assume that if there's the slightest interest in recruiting a candidate, reading 4 paragraphs shouldn't be that hard, otherwise I don't think that they would care too much about me as person and I don't know if that would be a place for me to stay.... Cheers
Do you want an honest feedback? Your email is pointless and arrogant, you don’t have an offer from the other bank, you’re just interviewing. You’re also hinting that bank is CS. Also dude no offense, but unless you’re an MD with $ bn worth of deals and clients, no bank will care about you as a person or candidate ad they can find thousands of candidates that can do the job as good as you (or even better) and are more humble. Also, you have no fucking clue of how many emails we and HR receive every day, and this email has literally no point to be sent whatsoever. You’re shopping around just bc you got invited to an interview - if I was receiving an email like this I would laugh tbh. If anyone was doing that, HR will have to read 20,000 emails per recruiting season. Hope this is more “constructive”
This post screams the fact that you need to work on your people skills, OP.
Too long. Summarize and fix spelling thx.
I highly suggest reading a book on journalistic style writing. Keep it short and simple.
Economical Writing:
https://www.amazon.com/Economical-Writing-Third-Thirty-Five-Persuasive/dp/022644807X/
Journalistic writing:
https://www.amazon.com/Journalistic-Writing-Building-Skills-Honing/dp/1933338385/
The classic text Strunk and White is only 99 cents on Amazon Kindle.
https://www.amazon.com/Elements-Style-Fourth-William-Strunk-ebook/dp/B095HZPGKF/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
PatrickBateman1 gave you an excellent email example.
Beyond the too-long sentences, you have misspelled "priority" as "prioritary" twice in your email. I copied-and-pasted your email into Microsoft Word and it highlights this word as being misspelled. I highly suggest that you compose your emails in Word in the future. While it won't catch all problems (particularly grammar), it will catch spelling mistakes like these.
Thanks a lot, actually I looked for synonyms in the google dictionary before writing it and "prioritary" appeared as correct.
Well, today I learned a new word so that's interesting. However, a Google search of the word "prioritary" reveals that it's an archaic mathematical term and basically unused outside of that context. I've learned a couple of foreign languages and have worked abroad for many years. I've found that it's just better to keep things simple and use phrasing that you KNOW you've heard/read before from native speakers. That works as well in English as it does in Mandarin or Japanese.
For emails, especially recruiting emails, I think it's better to be "polite" than "formal," and those aren't the same thing. For example:
Polite and overly formal: "Thank you very much for your time and understanding. Please find attached my CV for your consideration. Best regards and I hope you and your family are safe, happy, and healthy during these times."
(note: your email is even trying to be more formal than what I would consider the most acceptable level of formality outlined above)
Polite, more casual: "Thanks again for your time. My resume is attached here as discussed. I enjoyed our conversation and hope to connect again soon. Best regards,"
I would make it very simple and just deny you. No one has time for this email... and i mean NO ONE
Great, It would be great not having to work around such a douchebag like you... Cheers
guys like me hire and fire clowns like you...get use to it...
I'd read it and then forget about it 10 mins later. I wouldn't do anything. Seems desperate. Finding a job and navigating interviews is kind of like dating.
.
I wish you had waited to get feedback first before sending.
I imagine you wrote and rewrote this email several times and wanted it be perfect, but it’s much too wordy and verbose and meandering. I wouldn’t say it’s desperate sounding, but definitely comes across as a tad immature.
In the future, just remember that concise and succinct is always preferred in a business setting. You can be wordy when speaking, but never in an email.
I would have said the following.
“HR person,
Thanks for all your help during this application process.
As I stated earlier, this position is my number 1 choice and would love any updated color you have on my application status. I am closing in on a competing offer, and wanted to make you aware that I will have to make a decision in the coming days. I remain committed to your company as my preferred destination, but am not in a position to turn down another offer if I receive it.
Please give me a call at your earliest convenience.
Thanks, Anon”
Thanks for your feedback and definetely an extremely accurate and appropiate mail.
Independent of this outcome, I suggest keeping your written communications brief in other scenarios too.
1. What is the ask/ action you want recipient to take? Is that clear? By what date?
2. Have you provided essential info on the situation/ issue?
3. Are you overloading recipient with info, redundant statements?
I see this a lot, too: emails with implicit questions that really need to be explicit. If your email doesn't have a question mark in it, you haven't asked someone to do something. A lot of people will send an "update" and attach files but have no clear ask.
Bad example: "Please see attached the latest draft for your review."
Good (specific question) example: "The new slides from the last version are PDF pages 13 and 14; do those accurately reflect what you were looking for from your storyboard outline? Also, since we have a new comp set from the last version, could you also please review the new multiples and football field valuation on page 15?"
The other acceptable way is to do negative consent style. "Attached is our draft for review. If no comments, we plan to send to the client at 11 AM Pacific tomorrow ahead of the call at noon."
Thanks for the feedback mate
Thanks for your feedback. Those are points that I use to consider but in this case I was more focused in projecting interest and integrity to my candidacy. Proper advice anyway
Genuinely curious how people like this make it this far in processes. Interviewing is truly an imperfect process.
Agree. It is clear from the e-mail and subsequent posts OP has a room temp IQ at best
Actually I've recently taken real IQ tests and you would be surprised about the results then, I must admit that transitioning from a whole different industry to a dreamjob in one of the most important companies in the field has been killing my nerves lately but I guess that it's what happens from time to time when you're a human being, maybe you just can't relate. Don't worry for me I've been doing and I will be doing fine...
Maybe my CV and references aren't too bad....genuinely curious how depressing a life must be in order to try to dismiss a person about who you don't know absolutely nothing. What a waste of life mate
>excessive false niceties
>overwriting for no reason
>incorrect use of spacings and disorganized grammar
If you know, you know...
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