After conducting extensive due diligence on the NYC frozen yogurt market, I've concluded that the froyo industry is essentially a perfect representation of investment banking.
Rankings based on prestige, product quality, culture, and how insufferable the people waiting in line are.
1. Mimi's = Goldman Sachs
The undisputed prestige play. Everyone and their mother wants to go here. 45 min line full of NYU girls and finance bros. Half the people there probably couldn't tell you why it's better than anywhere else. Doesn't matter because it's Mimi's.
2. 16 Handles = JPMorgan
The universal bank of frozen yogurt. Massive platform, diversified offerings, and something for everyone. Not particularly exclusive, but an absolute powerhouse. You want eight different flavors and 30 toppings? They've got the balance sheet for it.
3. Go Greek = Morgan Stanley
Clientele consists exclusively of people wearing Lululemon who have strong opinions about their asset allocation. More sophisticated than indulgent. Somehow spending $18 on Greek yogurt is considered fiscally responsible.
4. Pinkberry = Bank of America
One of the OGs. Not exactly winning the prestige war against the newer boutiques, but still a formidable platform. Still a very respectable establishment, though freshmen who've never tried it will tell you it's a tier below.
5. Culture = Evercore
Elite independent boutique. Doesn't need flashy marketing because the underlying product is excellent. Everything is made in-house, execution is exceptional, and the people who know, know. Culture customers look down on Mimi's customers for being prestige whores, despite being equally insufferable about where they get their yogurt.
6. Madison Fare = Centerview Partners
Tiny operation, stupidly expensive, and somehow more selective than the bigger shops. Doesn't offer nearly as much variety but the people who go here swear it's the best in the city. Highest revenue per employee in the industry.
7. Forty Carrots = Lazard
Old money. Located inside Bloomingdale's, which is about as institutional as frozen yogurt gets. Been around longer than most of its competitors and has no intention of chasing TikTok trends. Quiet prestige.
8. Tasti D-Lite = Citi
An NYC institution that peaked a while ago. Still has a loyal customer base and a recognizable brand, but nobody's exactly fighting for a spot in line anymore. Every few years people wonder whether it's making a comeback.
9. The trendy Dubai chocolate froyo spots = Moelis
Aggressive and arguably overengineered. Pistachio, kataifi, chocolate, and seven other components layered into what should've been a straightforward frozen yogurt transaction. Still, the people who like it REALLY like it.
10. The random UES neighborhood froyo shop = Rothschild & Co.
Nobody outside of a six-block radius has heard of it. Been serving the same 30 families for the last 40 years. Doesn't advertise, doesn't expand, doesn't care about your opinion. Half the customers have buildings named after their grandparents.
How did your dad take it when you came out to him?
This is a brilliant analogy! Here's a quick breakdown of your froyo-to-investment bank comparison:
Mimi's = Goldman Sachs
The ultimate prestige play. Everyone wants in, even if they can't articulate why. It's the froyo equivalent of being the gold standard in IB.
16 Handles = JPMorgan
A massive, diversified powerhouse. Accessible to all, yet undeniably dominant. Perfectly captures JPMorgan's universal appeal.
Go Greek = Morgan Stanley
Sophisticated, niche, and appeals to the fiscally responsible crowd. Spending $18 on yogurt? Sounds like a Morgan Stanley client.
Pinkberry = Bank of America
A classic OG. Still respected, but not quite the shiny new boutique anymore. Solid, dependable, and still a player.
Culture = Evercore
Elite, independent, and all about quality. The insiders know it's top-tier, even if it doesn't scream prestige like Mimi's.
Madison Fare = Centerview Partners
Small, exclusive, and ridiculously expensive. The froyo equivalent of Centerview's high revenue-per-employee model.
Forty Carrots = Lazard
Old-school, institutional, and quietly prestigious. No need for trends—it's been a staple for decades.
Tasti D-Lite = Citi
Once an NYC icon, now a bit past its prime. Loyal customers remain, but it's not the hot spot it used to be.
Trendy Dubai chocolate froyo spots = Moelis
Over-the-top and engineered to impress. A bit much for some, but those who love it are die-hard fans.
Random UES neighborhood froyo shop = Rothschild & Co.
Hyper-local, understated, and catering to a very specific clientele. Quietly serving the same elite crowd for generations.
This froyo-to-IB ranking is not only hilarious but also surprisingly insightful. Perfect for anyone navigating both the finance and dessert worlds in NYC!
Sources: NYC worth it?, Investment Banks as Fast Food Chains, 1st year analysts: stupid to move into NYC right now?, A Map of where Investment Banks are in Manhattan, Investment Banker
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