Am I dating a future slob?

my first reaction is how are you doing in those areas? are you maintaining a fit lifestyle and suggesting fun date ideas / activities to do? I havent been in a relationship that long, but it is certainly common for the fire to die out even in marriages. But couples are certainly able to reinvigorate the relationship, even after decades of being together. what that entails specifically for you two, im not sure.

are you able to have honest conversations with her? I would say it's worth bringing it up and posing your concerns to her. In the nicest, most loving way possible. Then you should hear her side of the story. Maybe she's been feeling stressed or sad about work? Or maybe she has her own thoughts about you? Either way, having a conversation where you are both vulnerable and you (and ideally her) dont get defensive could be a good thing to do.

I’m an idiot but here I go:

I’d say we need to talk or something and lay out everything you said (gained weight, feel she’s complacent, blah blah blah). I doubt this gets a good reaction but if you’ve dated for 4 years I bet you’ve said the love word so if you still love her say it hurts you to see her doing this.

Saying this as someone who has been fat, shredded, fat, shredded, then fat again. Even someone on WSO said I flip flop and that’s true. Even my friend said “oh no your jawline is gone again” and pointed out I always rotate between fit and fat.

I’m the same person who was a college athlete. Same person who started making 6 figures with no help in my job search. Same person who became a millionaire with a small deposit of $10k from my parents. All this shit sounds like bragging, but I’m the same person who has grown complacent in life and became a pussy. Someone called me Hunkasaurous Rex today and it really pissed me off. Not at them, but myself. I’m not even that fat compared to average person, but why am I comparing myself to an average person? Compared to my “peak”, I’m a giant failure. Would argue that all my sappiness is due to my inner acknowledgment I am a failure and a pussy, and what doubles the effect is that I know what to do to reverse course but actively choose not to.

Anyways, I think life is too short to let things go unsaid. If you think this is someone you could marry or at least someone you want to continue to be romantically involved with, the fact you made a post on WSO tells me you need to confront the issue in the real world.

Anyways, just my thoughts. Hope you are in a better spot soon. Back to my excel I go

I would recommend seeking guidance from a therapist for a more tailored perspective on your situation. I don’t think you’re gunna get the best advice from us chimps lol.

Have you talk about it or told her how you feel in this relationship? It might be an uncomfortable conversation but that’s probably the best thing you can do to try to adjust things in your relationship.

You guys have been dating for quite sometime so the “honeymoon phase” as wear off. This happens in a lot of relationships (including my past relationship). When this happened, I started planning more dates, went on more trips and done new things together to keep the spark going and thrive.

It also seems like she has gotten very comfortable in the relationship. That might be a good thing but if she’s not maintaining herself to a point that it’s affecting the relationship, then you probably should talk about it with her but obviously be very careful how you approach the conversation. It could lead to a slippery slope.

Despite that, it seems like she’s a solid girl. From what you said, it seems like you’re very comfortable with her and she treats you right, which is great. I think the questions you need to ask yourself would be, if I do end up ending things will I be satisfied? Would I be okay if she’s not in my life? Can I find someone who can be better and suit my needs better? Would I be okay if I’m single for a while and be back into the dating scene? Do I want to download hinge again? Will I truly move on from this relationship or I’m I going to make a mistake?

These are the questions I would consider on asking myself. You want to make sure you’re going to make the right decision because if you decide on leaving her, it’s going to be difficult for both of you. Additionally, it’s going to make a dent in the relationship large enough that you might not be able to salvage it.

That’s my 2 cents.

God speed.

CTRL+B

First off, you should probably talk to your friends about this, not randos on a forum. But to be real (maybe too real for this forum) honestly man, out of all the ways you could’ve chosen to describe her, it doesn’t sound like you love her much. You pretty much said all the things you like about her are superficial/things she can do for you (i.e. looks, sex, cooking for you, providing children, and the part about nagging/easygoingness just sounds like you really like how she doesn't make a fuss about things. It's like you're into the fact that she lets things slide and doesn't call you out much). You haven’t said anything about who she is as a person. Normally, when people are describing the person they are in love with, it’s more sentimental and personality oriented. If I knew my significant other was talking about me the way you are, I’d leave. It sounds like you want to anyway, so just do it instead of dragging her along

She's gonna gain more weight I'd end it

I'd be concerned if it was things outside of weight. Is she getting more complacent about her hobbies? Conversations? Hanging out with friends? Career? If it's simply just weight, yes, that sucks and it's very annoying, but should be fixable.

If it's justs about weight, know that nothing will change overnight and it could be even a 6 month + process. When you talk to her about weight, you have to be extremely supportive. Girls are much more emotional than the average male, and working in IB makes us even less emotional. Never say "my friends are saying X about you" or something like that. You have to do it together if you want her to lose the weight. Eat out less, count your macros, try a workout challenge together (no boozing for 75 days), do fun activities together that also are exercise. It sounds like she's not super into that, so just take baby steps. Try doing one activity on a Sat/Sun (pickleball for example), complement her on how good she was or say "you'd be awesome if you kept at it." Build off that. 

If it's not just about weight and the trend continues into other aspects, it may be worth to re-evaluate your goals / priorities. She may not be aligned with you, and that's okay, but it may be something to consider when ending things.Godspeed man

imagine opening up your bf's laptop and seeing this thread. by the looks of it, she'd eat a whole pint of ice cream while crying. 

I was in a similar relationship and have observed what I think are similar couples - you met when I presume you were relatively young, they 'check all the boxes,' but the spark is gone with time / as people inevitably change in their 20s and 30s. And dating is perceived as a lot of work / difficult, so why not stick it out. It's almost boiled down to some rationalization, much like a job (I've been at X firm for Y years, carry will pay out in Z, I don't hate it, people are nice, so why not, etc.).  Anecdotally, you either drift apart eventually and go your separate ways amicably, someone becomes deeply unhappy which manifests itself (i.e. cheating), or stick it out and get married. Of those who do, some figure out a rhythm and way to be happy as a couple with time and maturity. And yet some end up in divorce. 

I have no good unique insight into your situation because it is deeply personal and you should seek out your friends/family. But if I were to wager a guess, getting to a point where you want to post on a forum likely means something has been wrong/amiss for awhile, you feel it deep down, and perhaps it's something you'd rather not confront. The solution might be to have a conversation with her, to break up, or something else entirely, but confrontation sooner is always better than later is my 2 cents. Hope all's well. 

Some of the advice above... therapy? really?

OP, talk to her, but not as in, hey b1tch you are getting fat time to put down the cookie. Instead, you want to frame it something on the lines of, hey babe, I really value our relationship and see us having a future together bla bla blah you get the drift, but your recent weight gain has made me less attracted to you but I really want this relationship to work, I want us to have a future. Maybe we can work at this together? I'll support you however you want me too, but we have to work at this together. Something like that, got it?

Make an equal workout plan and stick it on the fridge. Maybe put a goal of 3 workouts per week for each of you. Give her positive encouragement.

"I have noticed her gain some weight and not really care about it, she gets instantly defensive if I make a subtle joke"

Lock of the century 

What does her mom look like, most girls end up like their mom.

Best piece of advice I can give you - don't try to out-happy happiness. It sounds like you're good where you're at, but here's my perspective:  

By your posting / way you drafted it, I think your subconscious is leaning more towards dumping her by my view. I think you have to look at yourself and see what you value more. I've seen plenty of senior bankers with non-smokeshow wives (the bankers themselves were pretty ugly), but they were awesome people, were a great mom, had a great career, were an actual person, and a bunch of other positive traits. Some people care more about appearance than others, so if that's what matters to you, then great, you should find someone that values that the same amount that you do

I do feel you on the "spark" fizzling though, but that's when you have to ask are you really good friends with this person first, do you support each other, would they be a great long-term partner, would you want to have a family with them, and those types of questions. If the answer is yes to the majority, I think it'd be stupid to turn down someone with someone that doesn't have model good looks

Note that we all get older, metabolism slows down, and the majority won't be in as good of shape anymore since our high school / college days, especially when working 

If she’s already gaining weight and you’re not married yet, even though you’ve been together for a while, not a good sign. What’s her mom look like / you want someone who can put on ~10 and you’re still attracted to her which doesn’t sound like the case here. Complacency and lack of emphasis on exercise/staying active also not good signs. If you’re taking care of yourself and look good, it typically rubs off and they subconsciously try harder to keep up. If you are in just as good as shape and take care of yourself like she was at her peak, it’s a two way street and it’s fair for you to expect the same. If you’re getting sloppy too and a hypocrite, different story. As time goes on and you’ve been together years, obviously it’s not as hot and heavy as that first year or two but maintaining looks and staying in shape certainly helps keep the attraction alive, especially when you’re talking marriage/forever.

Usually couples who live together end up looking similar over time. Why? Because their lifestyles will end up similar. You will be shopping for the same groceries, eating the same meals, doing the same activities.

Maybe you have let yourself go slightly? If you are going to the gym or working out 4-5 times a week and you two are eating the same (healthy) meals then 9 times out of 10 she will see that and get her own ass in gear. Apply this soft pressure first.

Similar to a woman dating a guy who is in a deadbeat couch potato video games phase. If she is going out to get drinks with friends and is dressed up then the guy if he is worth a damn will feel like a loser and get his ass in gear. Same thing

good luck bro

Two things.

A) Hows her mental health? Is she suffering at work, is she unhappy with you? I know little about her from your post but weight gain and little motivation is a pretty telling sign for depression. Its not just men who "suffer in silence", especially if shes not very outgoing with her own needs, which from your description she might be.

B) Have you brought this up with her? I get she becomes defensive if you hint at it, but before you call it quits you should take the bullet and take the topic straight on. Try and not sound like a jerk but be genuine that it bothers you shes letting herself go.

are you looking for a cook, maid, and nanny? thats what you describe. you dont describe a partner you see as equal because of inner qualities

looks fade and if youre questioning it now well tough luck. what will happen when she has your kids and isnt necessarily a size 2? 

I can't help but your post sounds very superficial. You've mainly focused on describing her looks. Realistically, it's very probable she is gonna gain more weight (aging, pregnancy), so to some extent you need to get over the looks part and accept that your gf/wife, no matter it will be her or another girl, might gain weight at some point and lose her hot body. You didn't give us many details, so we don't know her lifestyle, hobbies, and what you are both doing to keep the relationship going, but any relationship requires constant effort, regardless of how long you are both together. You said she works in medicine so I'm assuming long hours of studying/trainings/work on her part. Long working hours often translate into gaining some weight, just saying. Anyway, if her looks bother you at the moment, then I'm afraid she is not for you. When one of the partners is very superficial and another is not (lookswise etc), this won't work in the long run or you will both end up getting hurt.

On a side note, I can give you my friend as an example; he started dating a dime in college, she was very slim but got hormonal problems at some point and gained lots of weight so now the majority of people would call her fat. They got married anyway. Recently she give birth so gained even more weight. My friend, however, isn't bothered by her weight and constantly finds her beautiful regardless of her size. Just my two cents

Brother this means you are not jacked enough. The only thing thatll be a wake up call to her is if you put on some muscle and have abs. Chicks will see that and be scared that you’re “hotter than them”.

if shes letting herself go, its because she doesnt think you’re marketable to anybody else and thus doesnt have to try to be hot for you

thats not her fault. She sounds like a 1 in a million supportive gal. Its your fault. Get your ass off WSO and in the gym. Go carnivore as well but most pencil necks on this website get their jimmies ruffled when i say that

Break up with her and stop wasting her time. 

I also hope you understand you're not a bad person for breaking up with her, not matter how bad you may feel. Everyone has standards and there's nothing wrong with that.

However tbh I have to be real and say that this is all your fault. Terrible leadership. Your girl needed guidance all these years and you let her get to this point. I'm not judging, just pointing it out so that you don't make the same mistake with your next gf. 

I would just use the line my wife say to me every other f*cking week of my life.

Honestly, I fell like I am the only one doing anything to make this relationship work and keep our spark alive. I want someone who wants to continuously strives to get better in life and work, I want someone who wants to look good and keep hustling. I feel like you’re just coasting and doing the bare minimum to get by. You better shape up or I’m out.

Now as the guy, I just take the yelling and promise to do better. I’m unsure what happens if it’s the guy dropping the hammer, but if she yells back and gets defensive you can then dump the fatty without feeling bad.

I think if you're really having to ask yourself this seriously, then it's highly likely that this no longer is the relationship for you. Humans have a knack for staying in mediocre relationships until they reach their breaking point, usually which comes several years after it starts becoming mediocre only to waste each others time for years. It's super hard to cut off a relationship after years unless it becomes terrible. Emotions are involved, you second guess yourself and use old memories to convince you it's a bad idea to end it, etc. I was in your situation before (but for different reasons) and kept convincing myself that things would improve once our lives stabilized later on. Relationship was amazing first 2 years, year 3 it became mediocre to no fault of either one of us we were just young and started changing, years 4 - 6 i kept convincing myself it's as good as it gets and I'm just stupid/bored to break up. She ended up breaking up with me for the same reasons I had been thinking about myself for 3 years already. Took like 6 months but eventually that emotional cloud lifted out of my head and as soon as it did it became so obvious to me that we should've ended it years ago. One of my biggest regrets was riding that relationship out for so long even though it was still a solid 7/10 relationship in later years. It's so hard to stay with the same person for decades unless it's really a great relationship. If you're having these thoughts now, they're going to become 2x stronger in a few years once you're really bored of the relationship. 

End it now. Trust me. Marriage will be 10x worse if you cross that bridge with her. Marriage + kids = 100x worse. 

Grow up buddy. Just start dosing her with ozempic.

.

Bail if you're not happy - life is too short. If it's not it, it's not it. It's not that deep. Disclaimer: in mid 30s, married 5+ years and got out of a 4 year relationship in my mid/late 20s. Best decision I ever made.

Show me pics of her so I can judge. 

Pizz Rizz

Ngl it's amazing how many people just fall off after university, I think given most people here are type A who want to reach their full potential which is why we can see the difference. OP your girl likely isn't "optimising" her looks like you want her to because she has already got what she wants. She's in a long term relationship with a high earning and high status partner so there's way less motivation for her to look the best everyday. Obviously its different for the single girls that you are talking about.

I follow this girl on Insta and she has gone through a serious transformation and she said her boyfriend/husband was a big help. You have to find a way to motivate her to want to be better. She went on to be an ultra runner and finished the Moab 240.

https://www.instagram.com/dani_prevail?igsh=MTk5c3d6d3BvN3h1bg==

If it’s like this in your 20s with all the time in the world, it’ll be a disaster when you have kids and zero time. Imagine an extra 30-50lbs and she’ll always use “the baby” as an excuse. Talk to her and se me if she can get motivated, but this is a thing that’s almost always intrinsic motivation. Either accept or part.