Anyone else feeling the pressure to settle relationship-wise?
Thanks for everyone's feedback, got a lot of useful input and advice. Deleting because I feel I said too much and don't want to compromise my identity. I was only expecting a small handful of people to respond and didn't realize this would get as big as it did.
Update: Connected with a couple really sweet guys on here and we are already chatting offline, no more dms please. I will no longer be checking my account.
As much as this is giving off a lot of suspicious "incel posing as a woman" vibes...
You don't want to meet men online, because you think it's all hookups. You don't want to meet men out in real life, because anyone willing to approach you is looking to hook up. You don't want someone socially inept, in fact your ideal person is someone who doesn't have time to date because they're busy with work, and they also have to be unwilling to approach you or make the first move, but presumably you're unwilling to make the first move either.
Have you thought that maybe the problem is you? You sound pretty shallow - you describe yourself as in relatively good shape and have good fashion sense, and that's it. Ever heard the phrase "if you meet one asshole on the street, they're the problem, but if everyone you meet is an asshole, you're the problem"? Well, if no one with a hint of personality or substance to them is ever interested in you, that's probably a greater reflection on you than it is on them. Go find what makes you an interesting person or a worthwhile partner, and focus on that, and you'll meet someone with like interests.
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You're going to fashion shows & nightclubs but you avoid dating apps because you think that's where the guys looking for hookups are? Dating apps are used by ~90% of the male dating pool, so maybe there's a small over index or skew in favor of guys only looking for hookups but it can't be that large. Clubs & fashion shows, on the other hand, are frequented by a much smaller slice of the male dating pool and one that skews wildly towards guys looking for hookups.
You clearly haven't analyzed this very thoroughly. Let's take another one of comments "A large portion of men I know in finance that are dating are with models". Beyond the fact that while this may be anecdotally true for the men you know (it is categorically untrue that your average 25 year old analyst/associate in NYC finance is dating models), where do you think these men go to meet said models? Clubs and maybe fashions shows! You are literally self-selecting for the most model/hookup focused men around.
"The only people I associate with are shallow: why can't I meet someone with real personality and depth?". If your only hobbies are things that don't lend themselves to meeting straight men, then go find other hobbies! Look, if fashion shows and banking conferences and horseback riding make you happy and fulfilled, why do you need to meet anyone at all? Sounds like you like your life.
You are demanding that others come to you, while simultaneously pushing those people away. The entitlement in that is, frankly, breathtaking. Go meet someone halfway. Do you play sports? Even if you don't, join a rec soccer league. Take a class on something on the weekend. Join a gym and socialize there. I don't know, it is NYC, anything in the world you want to do, you can find here. The fact that you basically want to sit on your ass at home and have a procession of men come, send in their personal and professional qualifications, and let you sort out which are "worthy" of going on a date with is the entire problem. You have nothing to offer anyone except clear skin and nice clothes, and again, this is NYC - you're not going to be the prettiest or best dressed person, nor the thousandth or ten thousandth, in this city, so why in hell should anyone worth settling down with waste their time on you?
All of this sounds like it's written by someone with nothing other than looks to offer, the same way that half the people on this site complain that all they meet are gold diggers, when all they have to offer is money. Obviously dating is all about looks at first, but most people in this world are good looking enough that someone will want to get to know them. Looks matter for five seconds, and then you have to show there is something else there.
Again, if the only places you meet men are in bars and clubs, then of course it is all looks and hookups. Go somewhere that isn't designed to facilitate meeting people based on looks. It's not fucking rocket science.
I wouldn’t date a finance guy. This might trigger some people but in my experience they are very myopic about who they will date. And the “type” they prefer is dumb ex sorority girls who treat living in a big city as the college experience part 2.
Also unfortunately a significant part of this website is angry at women due to their inability to get one. Please ignore them.
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Every guy is into models. Not really a finance thing.
You made your choices, live with them.
Well at least you'll be entertained by cats in the future.
And here's the asshurt incel. At least you'll be entertained by crying about women, blacks, and Jews on 4chan in the future.
What am I hurt about? I don't get it.
Those are groups you mentioned are pretty whiny though.
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Tbh respect but you can't keep a dolphin as a pet.
I don't really know what to advise in your situation tbh - do your friends know any great guys they can set you up with?
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Since your last post said you were Asian from Berkeley:
Tbh I've realized I will never relate to my family, hence why I've decided to branch away from asian groups. I also have no qualms about appealing to white people, it would be nice to have a change where family isn't the sole focus. I'm chinese, and I would 100% say tiger parent is reflective of that culture. It's okay to be proud of your culture, but it seems like you're letting your own personal bias favor this kind of toxic culture. I'm a person who grew up in it and genuinely hated it.
You actually probably could relate if you tried, instead it sounds more like you don't want to. Actually, the rest of your post almost seems like you look down on them.
If you want to pretend like all 1.3 billion people who outgrew this stuff as kids are just suffering from stockholm syndrome, so be it.
LMAOOO another east Asian woman who has issues with self-hate and refuses to date other East Asians. Very unique and daring!
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If you don’t want to hookup with a guy, tell him that.
You seem overly obsessed with a fear of ‘guys that want to hookup’ when you can set the terms. Take control of your dating life - only you can make it happen. There are lots of options for meeting people in NYC. And if you like guys on horses, maybe check out a Polo league. All those guys are ballers.
I can't believe I got The Isaiah to comment on my post. Solid advice as well, thanks
You don't need to listen to your parents
Your parents aren't entirely wrong. There's a lot of talk on the internet about how life is difficult for men because men have to build themselves up to get women, and women don't want average guys and can just get by on their looks until they can't, but life isn't fair for anyone. A woman has to choose whether to have a career, chase her passions, be free to explore endless possibilities, have a family, and find a high-quality husband. Unfortunately, women have a biological clock, and their looks start to fade quickly relative to their lifespan. Life is filled with endless possibilities when you're young; you have your health and your beauty. This is about the prime of your life and probably the easiest time you'll ever have getting the highest quality husband.
But if you change your mind after your fun, you'll have a lot more against you than for you.
It sucks that most women really have a small window to make such an important decision while a man can bag a 20-year-old girl at 40+ if he wants to. But our modern society, where women have careers, is a recent human invention. For thousands of years, most young women had babies, raised kids, and cared for the home. Your genes haven't caught up with feminism yet.
And what makes this decision so difficult is that right now, you are not who you will be at 35 or 40, so you have to think about what you will want at 35 or 40 while you're 25 and want something completely different. I'll tell you this, I've seen a lot of strong women of all ages. And I've learned that most women are not built to have the burden of having to support themselves their whole lives. They like having the "option" to work, but they like having the luxury to leave the workforce whenever they want. They don't want to be a single mother; they don't want to be the head of the household at 45, 50, 60, etc. And they don't want to be alone as they age. I've seen women break after having to be the man of their house for so long. I've also seen women work themselves to an early grave, and I've seen women die alone. I also know some well-accomplished women in their 40s - 60s who are married to their dogs and have son-husbands. It's just sad. I know a woman who has won many prestigious awards, owns a few successful companies, has pictures with presidents, etc. She's lived the feminist dream, but she has no one except her dog and her middle-aged son-husband that she's ashamed of because he failed to launch when she comes home, and her health is starting to fade as her age catches up to her.
I've seen a lot of people die, and old age sucks, especially if you have to do it alone. There will be a day when your health isn't as good as it is now, and you're tired and wish you had a partner, someone who loved you to support you. You don't want to be a senior citizen with no one around that genuinely loves you. Your girlfriends will be old and have their own families and their own problems. People aren't meant to be alone; a family is nature's safety net. In the best-case scenario, you can afford to support yourself in old age (most women can't), but you don't want to be surrounded by people paid to care for you. It's not a pleasant way to go.
Your parents may be a little selfish and want grandkids, but they're also probably lowkey worried because they know that one day they'll die, and they want to know you're safe with a family of your own. I don't have an easy answer for you, but men and women both have their burdens and choices to make. Life is all about choices, sacrifices, and consequences.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is to get out of the feelings you have at the moment and try to think about what you really want and what your future self may realistically want. There is no wrong choice; it's whatever makes you happy. But you're going to be old a lot longer than you will be young, and the decisions you make in these next few years may very well affect how happy you will be for the majority of your life.
On a more positive note, you may be one of the few that can have your fun now, meet a good man at 35, have healthy kids, and have it all. It's possible, it may not be probable, but others have done it, and many more haven't been able to pull it off. Your parents may be annoying, but they are only on your ass right now because they love you, care about you, and are concerned about you. Their concerns are valid, and this is a decision every woman is faced with.
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Now do a male version of your response
It's funny you said that because I've just started learning about lions and humans are pretty similar. This is a video that explains the life of a male lion after he gets kicked out of his pride by his father.
Bullet points:
Humans are pretty similar. A boy grows up and then he gets kicked out. Usually single mothers have a harder time letting go, but if there's a man in the house then there will be more pressure to do something with your life. A lot of women will allow their son to stay in the basement forever. A man has to learn some skills and become a man of value otherwise no girl will want to procreate with a loser, and he will be an incel forever. He won't have children, a legacy, and his genes will die. At the very least he has to win the genetic lottery and look good. There's nothing worse than an ugly weak man that doesn't have any skills or resources.
A man then has to go out in society and compete with other men for resources in whatever industry he gets involved in. The more dominant and successful he becomes, the more desirable he becomes, and then he gets his pick of the women. Meanwhile all the incels that can't compete just end up hating on the internet. The weak lions would probably be jackin' off all day at home if they had doordash and mom's support too.
Females are almost always taken care of by society no matter what choices they make, and the male is on his own. They even have female only homeless shelters, and some simp will always put on his cape for a woman. It's just that most women would rather die alone than mate with someone they think is a loser. A lot of them are ok with sharing one strong man, though. At least they'll get good genes for their children if they breed with a boss, and he leaves her to be a single mother. That's better than breeding with a loser and having a weak child, at least on a primal level.
Women are born and their value is their appearance and their womb, which comes with their youth. Most males are born with very little value. A man has to acquire resources and gain strength to protect and provide. Even if it takes 20-30 years he can still be seen as desirable, but men are considered dregs of society if they aren't able to stand on their own and be useful.
Now obviously humans are not lions, but at our core, nature is nature. Lions don't live in a capitalistic society and have many morals, just instincts. However, we are not THAT different. Men have to get strong and earn their value in society so their genes can pass on, and women have a short time to get the strongest mate that they can get for protection, security, and genetic prosperity.
And they never will…
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Not much to add other than I went for an MBA at business school and you are right that many people who attend these programs are already in relationships, but worth pointing out that many of these relationships end up fizzling out (long distance is hard). I would say in my section of 90 or so people, well over half (perhaps 60%-70%) of the people coming in that were in relationships broke up before the 1st year was over. The intensity / time demands, social activities, and insularity of the community all make it hard to maintain a long distance relationship. Many end up fizzling out by Thanksgiving (the so-called "Turkey Drop" or "Black Thursday")
Yeah, usually the smart girls get an upgrade from their previous bf....
Thanks for the insight, that's good to know
This is a common issue with a lot of women in high-powered careers. Realistically, you need to take a look at your criteria for the men you want to date. You already said you need him to be in finance, and presumably by that you don't mean FP&A/Corp-Dev but rather IB/buyside etc. Like you've noted in your previous comments, these men tend to have more options than most guys and they pick different types of women. As you probably already know, your career/income are not necessarily attractive to the guys you want to date
To be frank though, I think you should probably work on yourself before trying to date. You're probably mentally not doing so great. Take a break from work, maybe do a bit of introspection, self reflection and figure out what you want out of life before attempting to date
Lol imagine believing IB/PE guys pull all types of girls. Contrary to conventional wisdom on this site, anyone who’s actually played the NY dating scene knows that finance hardos are middle bucket at best.
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Solid advice, thanks for the input
I also want to add something that other people have touched on. A lot of career women make a mistake in thinking that because they want an ambitious, career-oriented man with a lot of money and degrees that that's what men are looking for in a partner. Many women tend to become the man they want to date/marry, but most men don't want that.
Look, if you're a man, you've busted your ass for many years to get where you are. You get up every day and go to war to make the money you make, you work crazy hours that most sane people wouldn't work, and you take on an unbelievable amount of stress; the last thing you want is to come home to a wife that thinks she has a bigger dick than you. She's just as stressed out as you, and she is just as masculine because she works in a ruthless industry; she works just as many hours as you, and those hours are aging her prematurely. It's giving her a chip on her shoulder because it's a male-dominated industry, and she doesn't even have the energy to sleep with you, etc.
I want to come home to a hot wife that's happy, feminine, and doesn't have stress. I don't want to have to go to a strip club just to be around some feminine energy. I'm working, so my family doesn't have to deal with this stress. I make enough money for the both of us, so stay home. Men used to go to war to protect their families, and we go to war in the corporate world so our loved ones can live a life of luxury and peace. A man doesn't want to marry another man that thinks she knows more than him and is talking about the wage gap and the deal they're trying to close and challenging you for authority with every breath.
Most top-tier men, the men most women say they want, just want a hot girl that's going to make his home a peaceful place to be.
Your desk job is nothing at all like fighting in a war you pussy. 😂😂
Calm down, don't break your keyboard calling me a pussy on the internet...
But you know when your coach or athletes like Michael Jordan, Ray Lewis, Kobe, Brady, etc. describe the game like they are in a war/battle on the field/court? Maybe you never played sports...
You ever heard the term, "You eat what you kill." on the street? Of course working on Wall Street is nothing like literally taking a life or fighting for your life, but it's a metaphor used to paint a picture. You're smart enough to understand the metaphor even if you don't agree with it, right?
Are you Drumpfy’s alt? You talk a lot like him.
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It reads like a troll post how you're an Asian woman but don't want to date any Asian guys... it's pretty insulting and paints an entire continent with a broad brush... it's like the setup to a fake Reddit post to drum up controversy or fish for simps. Or a strawman post in "Asian Masculinity" to illustrate how toxic women are. In case it's not and you are a real person, here are just some thoughts/reactions and you can tell me to fuck off if I'm off track:
If you want to find quality people outside of apps and simply need ideas, it sounds like you're already somewhat on the right track. I don't expect many people here to sympathize with you, seeing as you went to a great college but don't want to date anyone who went there, you won't use technology, you are in clubs but won't date there, and you pre-emptively rejected people in an MBA, height requirements, as well as "dorks" in tech etc. You decry your Tiger parents but ironically are very specific about the high-charged professions of people you're willing to date.
I think using friends of friends is the only reasonable way for you to run into people based on your requirements, perhaps followed by sports, music, and/or clubs/societies with young professionals. You could get involved with the donor circle for a museum, the aquarium, zoo, symphony, etc. but I would definitely expect the average age to run older.
When I was dating for a relationship, a very long time ago (married at 25 y.o.), women without a good relationship with their parents was a super red flag (for hookups, it's a big green flag, which might partially explain your dilemma). I don't think dating a quality White guy is going to solve your long term problems, and it doesn't get better with age. When you get married and have children, are you going to cut your parents off? What about when they get old and they request support from you? Do you want your children to have a connection with your heritage or language?
I think without some introspection, the road ahead will be pretty hard for you. I agree with another poster that probably should work on yourself first in terms of your physical, mental, and psychological health. You can freeze some eggs now and IVF later if timing is a big concern for you; I know several professional women who did that. Reconcile with your parents and don't carry around that baggage for the rest of your life. Get involved in your community and activities you're passionate about, and let the dating happen from there with a newfound confidence.
No offense but I'm not attracted to asian men, sorry if you're an asian male, but it is what it is. I can see why you'd be upset with my post if you are one. And a lot of my asian friends will also refuse to date asian males. Even the data from online dating websites show that asian men are the least popular, the numbers don't lie. It's just an attraction thing. There's another reason why I want to disassociate with my parents and culture, this doesn't need to be turned into a psychotherapy thread, but let's just say they tried to force me into anorexia when I've already been a size 0 my entire life. They also gave me shit every day for my skin not being 'white' enough. If you are eastern asian, you know that kind of mentality is prevalent in that culture, or you've straight up lying to yourself. Never in my life would I ever want that for any of my future kids, so yes, I am very eager to break away from my culture.
There's nothing wrong with having preferences in dating. I myself am not attracted to east Asian women - the facial features you guys have are not appealing to me. Also, as you yourself have said, the parents (and my future in-laws) would most likely be an absolute nightmare to deal with. But when you start using dating statistics as valid sources for your points, you've lost me big time. There are still millions and millions of people who haven't (and will never) use dating apps. Also, in our culture and American society, beauty standards are definitely Eurocentric - and dating apps are exclusively based off attraction and looks. IRL dating looks much different, or else no Asian guy would ever get married and have kids. Yet Asians are the most populous race? How does that make sense? Clearly, women are having sex with these supposedly "least desirable" Asian men.
Put your interests on a dating app. Have a caption like “talk to me about zxy…” something that a normal guy can work with and not have to throw down a pickup line. Guys with good pickup lines probably use them on a lot of girls.
Guys who can talk to you about your interests and demonstrate knowledge of them,on the other hand, are the ones to at least talk to. Be shallow, but shallow looking for common interests/goals.
Ask whether they want kids, where they want to move, favorite movies, etc. Make sure that when you both have a day off that you want to do the same thing.
This isn’t to say you can’t find the one at a bar/club, I just think you’ll cover more ground this way.
Not even once tbh
I'm so glad I'm a man and don't ever have to "settle down" or feel that pressure. My parents aren't perfect, but not once have they asked me about my relationship status or pushed me towards anything in that area. They always tell me to focus on my career, make good friends/connections, have hobbies, etc. If a relationship happens....awesome. If not, oh well.
But reading your post makes me want to barf. Especially since I'm moving to Manhattan. I really want to avoid women like you as much as possible lmao, like this is my worst fear. You sound extremely shallow and full of yourself. I feel bad for the poor guy you'll end up trapping into a relationship just because you want to please mommy and daddy.
And the fact that you actually mentioned your waist size...jesus. Enjoy your wine and cats. And if I got a dollar every time I heard an Asian girl saying she doesn't date Asian guys....well I'd have a mega yacht by now.
tldr a lot of women find asian men unattractive
This is starting to get into old money vs new money territory. It's mostly the old money guys that only care about a women's looks; many of my friends that are earning well but don't come from an upper class background very much do care about a women's education, ambition, drive, personality, etc. I will agree with others here and say that there is a limit to this - none of us want to be with some investment banker chick working 100 hours a week. At the same time, why would I marry some girl that just scrolls TikTok all day and has no work ethnic or ambition, and the personality of a fork??
And what is your obsession with old money? These guys often exaggerate how much money they really have - they just act better than everyone else. A lot of them are pretty stingy as well because they live off the capital gains of their trust fund and don't actually have that much cash flow. I find it hard to believe a true old money guy would be working a high finance job that often requires a ridiculous amount of hours. Do you want to throw away everything you've built for yourself just to be some guy's arm candy? Why not go for new money guys that want someone they find attractive, but also treat you as an equal partner in a relationship? I have many uncles and aunts - uncle clearing 7 figures and aunt a stay at home mom, and nearly all of those marriages are absolutely miserable for the woman. They get treated like trash because there is a serious power imbalance. Is that your life goal? Seems to me like you just want to get back at your parents.
Also, what makes you think those guys will choose you? In a place like Manhattan, you can quite literally throw a rock and it'll hit a woman more attractive than you. What else do you offer? First of all, if you are being so blunt with me about dating statistics regarding Asian guys, I'll do the same to you. Your height is extremely unattractive on a woman (unless you're a high fashion model, which is clearly not the case), and the fact you are an Asian woman isn't working in your favor either. The guys that you seem to be exclusively targeting are rich white guys. Statistically speaking, they go for attractive white women that are shorter than 5'10.
Also, your comment about women not talking to guys that have a "decent-sized" boat is ridiculous and very telling. Like others have already mentioned, it looks like YOU are the one that only hangs out with shallow people and then you generalize all 4 million+ women in NYC. First of all, how the hell can a woman at a club even tell if a guy has a "decent-sized" boat?? I more and more suspect that this is just some sort of troll account. It's a known fact that in a place like Manhattan, the gender ratio is skewed in men's favor. If you look at just educated people (with at least a bachelor's) and those looking for LTR, and then start narrowing down to high-earners (let's say 300k+), it's looking very, very bad for NYC women. I haven't even factored in all the gay guys, socially inept men, or men that you just find plain unattractive.
So your being picky is laughable. Btw you can take your "preferences" (which are clearly based off stereotypes - because no way you've met every Asian guy), and shove it up your ass.
This thread is a cesspool of under-sexed men LMAO
Wonder what demographic they fall under...
Cool it, lady. You have your own issues. No need to pile on to others
Exactly. Women do not owe sex to a man the same race as her 😂 it's her life and she can do what she wants
Huh? Exactly where in this thread did anyone say they’re “owed” sex? Seems to me like OP is the one constantly talking about how “undesirable” Asian men are like a typical self-hating East Asian woman.
Man, taking a look at her responses. Either this is a troll account or this girl has an overwhelming amount of mental health issues that are preventing her from being happy. Daddy issues, insecure, somewhat attractive - shame she "doesn't do hookups" (although part of me doubts that) as this girl would be a fun lay
In all seriousness, please stop for some self reflection. A relationship/marriage won't make you happy if you have fundamental issues (and you do) to work through. Some therapy may not be a bad idea before you put yourself out there
As a fellow Asian woman in NYC finance, jeez you are pathetic. Plenty of Asian guys out there who are just as jaded about 'tiger parents' and toxic immigrant mindset as you are- you are not as special as you think you are.
It's weird, I've heard quite a few Chinese women say they're not into Chinese guys. I'm not sure why, but I haven't heard many women of other ethnicities talk bad about their own people as much as Chinese women do, except Indians and a few Black Americans. Do you know why this is prevalent among some Chinese women?
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