Being cheated on and broke up- how to heal
Have been seeing this girl since by undergrad year, met her through tinder (she worked in a supermarket and lived nearby so we see each other quite often) and we have dated for 3 years. Everything went downhill since I quitted my job and went to do a PhD. Recently I figured out things are not right and I checked her phone and clearly she has cheated on me (literally flirty messages and evidence of cheating). A bit of digging I figured out this guy is an audit trainee in a local accountant firm.
When I confronted her about it she gave me loads of BS. She complained that I spent less time with her since I started my PhD (Well I have no choice as I was very busy, but I made sure I meet her every weekend). She also said that she cannot see a future with me as I am on a £17-18k stipend per year (and a extra couple hundreds a month extra by being a teaching assistant). She compared me to this audit guy who is making £2xk a year and said he will be making decent money after a few years and she felt that she can have a stable life with him.
Obviously I feel really hurt but there is no point to stay in such a relationship so we just do not talk to each other anymore. What can I do to heal? I just feel like a complete failure.
LMFAO she's needy, respects an audit accountant's salary (she worked at the supermarket to boot, just lol @ her judging anyone's income potential), and sees a "stable future" with him while you're literally getting a PhD. You got a peak at her true colors. Take the win, this silly broad was no prize and clearly has no sense. Healing will come with time. Until that time comes, just put yourself out there and see if you can snag yourself some hot undergrad tail while you're the sophisticated PhD student they can act out their schoolgirl/professor fantasies with.
Thanks bro... This is the first relationship in my life and I can barely keep focused in the lab. Yeah, I guess it takes time.
You'll survive. I was in a similar situation, dated a girl on and off through most of college, our last stretch being a little over 2 years. Ended up breaking things off ~6 months after graduating for a combination of reasons. Was still getting over it when Covid came along and only within the last year or so really shook off the cobwebs and felt 100% over it. Hit the gym when you're not in the lab and slay King.
Not looking down on anyone here, as all jobs deserve equal respect but, who is she to judge your PhD when she was literally working at a supermarket?
I feel your pain as I found my significant other at the time (first relationship) was cheating on me (was on dating apps behind my back). I was truly heartbroken and I could barely concentrate on school/interviews. My piece of advice is, to take the time to process the grief, you just (emotionally) lost someone who was very dear to you. Do not be too harsh on yourself, recovery takes time.
But also do not forget about the silver lining, you dodged a MASSIVE bullet. Would you really want to be with someone who would give up on you just for an extra £5-8k? Nah bro, you're better off without her.
Thanks for the advice.
To be honest I’m exempted from all kind of taxes as a student so I kinda bring home the same amount compared to the audit guy. This in turns makes me think about myself and if other people really see no future potential in me to live with/settle with.
all jobs deserve equal respect. agreed. thanks for the comment. fucking despise the attitudes of people in finance
You found her at a grocery store, and she's talking about your income...Women are a trip. Is she still working at the grocery store? I hope she owns it the way she's talking.
She broke up with you the moment you started earning less. By the time you find out about it a woman has emotionally detached herself from you and found your replacement months ago. Also, women are better cheaters than men. If you "discover" it then she may have stopped caring to hide it, and wanted you to catch her. Women can be ruthless. You also found out that women never take accountability for breakups. If you catch them cheating it's because you did this and that, it's never because they're cheaters and shitty people. You did NOTHING wrong, she's just a thot, and you deserve better. Women like this will never have a stable life because they're not stable people, the second this new guy runs into some obstacles then hypergamy will pull her to the next monkey branch.
You might have heard the saying that a woman's loyalty is tested when a man has nothing, and a man's loyalty is tested when he has everything. Most women are horrible long-term planners and don't have a vision beyond what they feel at the moment. Most women are incapable of struggling with a man, they really do want to wait at the finish line and pick the winners.
The only option you have when a woman breaks up with you is to say, "Ok." no matter how much you're hurting, you never ever ever ever let her see you cry or down about it. Cry like a little bitch if you want to, soak your pillow, and drown yourself in a whole bottle of anything. All of that is ok, but no one knows but you, maybe your brother, a best friend, or your father if you guys are close. But it never gets back to her. You just say, "Ok." or if you want to mindfuck her a little say, "Ok, there's no need to talk about it, we both saw this coming it's best that we both move on." even if you didn't see shit coming. She'll be like, "What he saw this coming?" and her imagination will drive her crazy and she may want to talk about it. Don't talk about shit.
Now here is the thing, you may never get over this shit. It will hurt for many years. My first "love" you can say broke up with me many years ago, and I did the opposite of all of the advice I'm giving you. However, it will get easier over time. The days will turn to weeks, the weeks will turn to months, the months will turn to years, etc. Over time you'll meet new people, and you will go on to do great things in life. Women like this usually don't get very far. They're wannabe golddiggers and not smart enough to really play the game right.
The girl that broke my heart became a stripper a couple of years after we broke up. I was driving a few years ago when I went back to my hometown and drove past her, and she was walking by herself pushing a baby stroller (she didn't make it too far from our hometown). I drove past her like we were complete strangers, she's now some guy's baby mother that she met at the strip club, and the man I am today wouldn't even entertain a woman like what I saw that day. I couldn't believe it.
So what do you do? Work, do not ruin your life over this bitch and mess up your Ph.D. I don't know what type of Ph.D you're getting, but you probably have the earnings potential to be a millionaire in your lifetime. What you do is you get your Ph.D. Do you know how many girls out here would love to brag about their boyfriend having a Ph.D once you get it? When you start struggling you close your eyes and tell yourself, "I'm going to get a Ph.D, I'm going to do it." really see it in your mind and believe it.
She did you a favor, no more "Spend time with me watching Pretty Little Liars." or whatever. No more pretending to care about the bullshit in her day, "Michelle said this can you believe it? She bags groceries so slow." No more bullshit, you work your ass off. Once she realizes life with the audit guy isn't what she thought it was gonna be, and maybe a few more boyfriends and a baby or two down the line she will come checking for her ex with the Ph.D. Women always look back, and you will ignore her because you're gonna have a hotter girl. Just take it one day at a time and work. I also advise you to hit the gym too. A Ph.D is great, but a Ph.D with a six-pack is even better.
Amen to that brother
Thanks for sharing your story. This kind of motivated me a bit. You know what, I find it rather surprising that plenty of folks here have gone through the same thing. Thanks again.
Bingo
How come every thread about a woman has to devolve into manosphere bro science? The advice you gave is otherwise good but then you devolve into this "most women are" nonsense. And funny enough your two statements contradict each other: if women were "horrible long term planners" and "don't have a vision beyond what they feel at the moment" then they wouldn't "pick the winners". They'd pick some starving artist or bad boy. Pick one and only one: emotional airheads or cold gold-diggers
You woke up today and chose violence, but I'll entertain it...
There's a manosphere because many men have had similar and shared experiences with women. I say "most" because there is always an exception, and then someone is going to come around (probably someone like you) and say, "NoT ALL WoMeN!!!" In my experiences and many other men's experiences, many (not most, happy?) women get caught up in the moment. They have trouble seeing the long-term consequences and ramifications of their actions. Are there exceptions? Sure. Are there many exceptions? Sure. Is it situational? Yes. But many times, women don't logically think things through. Many women are more emotionally driven than men. It's probably why women are bigger consumers than men.
And many women do pick the starving artist, bad boy, thug, gangsta, dealer, etc. Many women also pick the guy making a lot of money. A lot depends on the woman's goals, age, upbringing, morals, etc. You never heard of the wife cheating on her rich husband with the pool boy?
And I don't get all the manosphere hate. Some of it is toxic and cringe, but men should have a place to talk about their experiences with women on public platforms. Females have their "sisterhood" where they can talk about their "sis-science" (for lack of a better word). Almost every channel has a daytime talk show where women can bash men all day. And there are dozens of magazines dedicated to women talking about their "tips on how to deal with men," which is as much bro/sis science as what the manosphere says. A lot of the stuff they say is just as cringy and toxic as a lot of manosphere content, but they don't get shamed quite as often. If a woman can't get a man or understand men, then she gets tissues and validation. If a man can't get a woman or understand women, then he's an incel and a loser. All men have are a few youtube channels, subreddits, and sites. And even then, they get shamed by both men and women.
You WILL get over her
You WILL get some pumps in
You WILL get that PhD
You WILL become successful
You WILL get the coochie
You WILL own a home and have amazing kids
And you WILL be happy
It wasn't about the money imo, that was just a way for her to rationalize it and sound like less of a scumbag.
I agree, and think this is a very sensible take. Unless she has the IQ of the turnip she would realise your future income is multiples higher than his and would stay with you if it’s all she cared about.
Wahmen cannot into long-term thinking, more news at 11 lmao
I think you’re missing the point. She wanted to collect the end result without having to share the struggles to get there.
Don't worry, you will soon come to realize that this woman is a total piece of shit. A cheater, AND a gold digger, AND one who's too dumb to realize she's actually a bronze digger? Bro, assuming you're in a "normal" PhD program (as opposed to one of those obscure/niche ones with very limited prospects) you are going to be pretty set for life too. Plus you might have literally 2x her IQ. Would you be in a relationship with a chimpanzee?
ditch digger*
I’m doing chemistry/material science…
thanks for the reply, you guys are all very supportive.
We have a sector team in my firm that literally hires only chemists which have done research, and maybe some Big4 internship, and they all get shat on with dough. Keep your head up, King, you WILL make it.
Ever see a Bronx Tale the movie?
Guy lends his friend $20, and every time he see the guy he lent it to the guy who borrowed the money runs away. The other guy in the neighbor tells the guy who gave the money, it cost you $20 to find out that guys not your friend, pretty cheap.
You invested 3 years in this chick, but you paid a small price to find out she sucks.
Focus on yourself, king.
Honestly from personal experience dating anyone from tinder never ends up well 😅. Good luck man, you deserve better and will come out stronger from this! Think about it as one step closer to finding your future wife!
You 100% won. My advice and has always worked for me in the past. She has to be out of sight, out of mind. Block her in everything you can possibly think of. This will prevent her name from popping up unexpectedly anywhere. This will help tons. Next just try to focus on you. Gym, your PHD, friends, what ever. Maybe go in a dating app and get a hook up or two (be sure to be clear on intentions, dont lead anyone on). Keep her out of her sight and just distract yourself. You are going to be killing it in a few years and grocery store girl just lost out big time.
Thanks for the advice. I have already blocked her on literally everything. Even the day after we broke up she was still messaging trying to justify what she's done to me, but there was not even an apology. I read but did not reply.
Good move. Just dont let her pop up again, you have control over it. Before IB I dated a girl who was making $120 all in, in a comfy job and would always bring it how she made more and I need to step it up…I look back now and laugh as a few years later I saw she’s still in the same position, my IB salary alone is higher than her all in. Some women aren’t willing to grow with you and put in the work you are putting in. They want you to be established from day one while they bring nothing but a vagina. Keep doing your thing man, it hurts now but you’ll look back and laugh
It may not seem like it now since this is your first relationship, but you will undoubtedly find better people down the line.
Drop her like a hot brick.
I'm sorry to hear your feelings but it sounds like she was a L woman to begin with. Definitely is not someone that is loyal or you would want to raise a family with one day so I see this as a win for you, bud. Also, never speak to her again. You should not give her another smidgen of your time in your life. She should not even get the opportunity to look you in the eyes. You should never look her in the eyes ever again. She's lost that privilege as well as the relationship you two built. She severed the tie both verbally and physically and has showed you her true colors.
Try to remember that time heals all and time also is the most important thing us humans have in life. "The only thing that belongs to us is the time." It will take awhile for you to move on after a long relationship - but remind yourself not to waste more of your precious time and happiness on someone that does not actually care for you.
if you can get girls, go bang some girls. if you can't, then go engage in some favorite hobbies like video games, watching series/movies, etc.
You don't realize it now, but your life really did just change for the better! Keep at it.
Just went through the same thing. Found out she fucked multiple other guys over a year and a half. Fucked me up bad and couldn’t focus during on cycle and added stress as a new analyst
Sorry to hear about that bro, especially it is the important period of your career. Hope you will recover from that soon.
Manage your expectations. You probably expected a different outcome, where the outcome you described was plausible and probable. Don't worry, be happy it happened now. You learned a really important lesson, and most men don't get to learn that lesson.
Not sure if you’re an international, but Tinder isn’t really known as the app to find high quality women, but the place to find hookups. You probably weren’t even her 10th or 20th sexual partner if she used the app regularly (the reality is some number higher). I would suggest in the future looking to meet women in-person. People online tend to craft an image of themselves via social media and dating profiles, that makes it difficult to see who they really are as a person.
Yes, I am international. I moved to the UK since 17 and stayed here since. I basically spent 3 out of the 8 years of my life with this woman.
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