Dating in IB - NY - The Ultimate Guide/Thread

I'm a new AN1 on my team that entered into the workforce single. Never was a relationship guy in college and never really had "the one" to stick around with. I knew moving to NY, being in banking, and meeting women is a diagram that isn't pretty but never guessed it would be like this. 

In my second month on the desk, a lot of my fellow analysts said "hey man just hit the apps". That's how it started: me excitedly browsing through my college pics to set up a freshly minted Hinge profile. The excitement of all of the women I might meet on these apps almost overwhelming. Let me tell you how it ended after 3 weeks: Bear Grylls hunting for whales. 

I was perplexed. Why wasn't I getting matches? I had a great pics (none of fish, oakley sunglasses, basketball jerseys, or in a flannel) with some great prompts. For context, I was a D1 tennis player. Would give myself a 7. Nothing to write home about but I'll get some play time.

Over the last week when there was down time, I started reading through Hinge's "prize winning algo" as to how the app actually works. For those of you who don't know or are curious, here's (essentially) how it works:

Hinge is a 3-tranched system where profiles are being actively ranked by the swipe. A new profile really starts out like a AAA issuance: top of the class and safest. Which is why when you first sign up you see 10s. This is the most critical point. If people are buying your profile (liking you), you stay at the top. However, stats show this is improbable for men. If you take 50 men and 50 women on tinder, stats show 46 women will pay attention to just 4 men, leaving 46 men for just 4 women. So what happens? Your profile gets downgraded because Hinge is seeing that the most attractive people on the app aren't into you. Then you get moved into the medium bucket: the pit. This is where most women finds themselves (remember there's 46 vs 4 here). You'll still see an occasional 9 but mostly 6.1-8.1s. This is still a good bucket to be in because there's probability you'll find action. However, this is where it goes south. Should you fail to average a net rating to remain in the medium bucket, you automatically get pulled into the subprime tranche. Enter Michael Burry. This is where you do NOT want to be. To be frank, this is the people who never went to a high school dance and soberly got a lip tattoo on a Tuesday. Yet, it's surprisingly easy to fall into the subprime tranche. If your "stock" falls into this level of trading, it's over. You cannot move back to any higher tranche no matter if you actually are good looking or have a good profile. 

Thus, you are left with two options: delete the app and start over thus moving back to the top or do the sensible thing: realize online dating has worse odds than a casino and try to meet women/men in person. The only thing is that culture is so bad right now people approaching you in public is instantly registered as a threat not a compliment. This is a drastic difference from the era our parents grew up in where people would randomly show up at your house with a coffee cake and say "hey, I was in the neighborhood!". 

So ladies and gentlemen, how is it that you date in banking? How is it that you find someone to share your life with? How do you have that Netflix romance? 


It turns out it is the same answer that my VP told me about working from home in 2023: you don't. 

Any serious advice on meeting women in NY in banking is welcomed. 

 

On the off chance you actually match and set up a date, you will find that they will flake the day of either because they realize they aren’t that into you or they find someone better. Had the exact experience you had. Heard people say to spend a couple hundred on a professional photographer to get great picture of you, women only see you as a profile on the app and in person meetings will give you a chance to shine (personality, humor)

 

Yeah dude it's pretty wild out there. I would go on a date, ghost her for someone better, only for that 'someone better' to ghost me (and that 'someone better' is probably getting ghosted by some elite stud). It's like an endless chase for the 'perfect' girl. It's sad because it really does turn people into numbers. And so many of these dates are awkward anyways. It's hard to believe that I've gone on so many dates yet am still single lol

 

Biggest takeaway is Hinge is a business and they don't want you to find love, they want you to upgrade to premium and pay for boosts, roses, etc.

I personally prefer Bumble, IMO slightly better success rate. Hinge is overwhelming for women because of the likes system and anyone over a 6 is underwater with likes, they will automatically X a lot of them just to get rid of them. On Bumble the women have to do a lot more work, both with the two-way swiping to match (instead of a one-way like) and having to message first. You'll get a lot of women who match and never message, but at least you're not putting in much work on those.

Also, I had my female friends look through my profile and got a good tip from them: make sure you have your job, school, and what you are looking for on there, and fill out the whole profile. Not to say that IB makes girls swoon (I just have Finance at Bank), but apparently lots of guys have uncomplete profiles and they might be attractive, but girls are looking for someone with a stable job who has interesting prompts to base discussion off of. Additionally, if you're truly looking for a relationship just put that. If you have "Not sure" or blank, the quality, long-term girls will keep scrolling.

The apps are generally not a great place, and you should take occasional breaks from them if you're getting frustrated, but not many options in IB given limited time. 

 

I think if you pay for premium features or the like the apps will promote you better. If you try to be a good person and a good potential spouse/partner, the girls will generally start making themselves easier for you to find/meet. I think a nice guy with a good job in a good city/area is generally an attractive combo for a standard girl. It’s like looks isn’t everything for a girl but if she is good looking it helps. The same for a guy but with his job/financial situation. It isn’t everything but if he has a good job/financial situation it can help. Just my 2 cents. Good luck. 

 
Most Helpful

You will never get fair market value (FMV) on the apps. It's designed to give you below FMV, that's the whole business model (i.e. pay money to make it better). Thing is Ray, everyone's paying to skip the line so in the end we're all back to where we started. If I based my whole confidence off my app performance I would genuinely believe I was a 4. Luckily, I have real-world experience with some beautiful women so I know it's bogus. I feel bad for the dudes who genuinely believe the apps convey reality and get down on themselves. It's criminal.

The solution is quite simple: get out of your comfort zone and start meeting people unconventionally. Surely you still leave the house sometimes to do groceries, go on a run, hit some bars, wait in line somewhere etc. Just go up to girls and run some game in a casual, "this guy gets it", non-creepy way. There was a girl hanging out in my lobby one night and I just started talking to her and she mentions some TV show. I vaguely suggest we watch it at my place and the rest is history. Another girl I was in the elevator with her and just started chatting. 

They want to have a monopoly on how you can meet hot girls. They want to charge you for access. You think you don't have time because you're used to going through the middleman. This goes for bars/clubs too. I say fuck it, cut out the middleman, and streamline the process. It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm the Chinaman, Ray. 

 
Funniest

I would pay you to yell at me in the shower

 

Personally, stay clear of all dating apps and social media. You’d be a fool to even give any girls attention nowadays (6+) on those. That kind of even implies in person as well, especially if you’re at the bar. The biggest mistake I’ve made was thinking a girl wants to find a dude at the bar. That’s not really the case at all, it just fulfills their attention. Your best bet if you actually want a relationship is through mutual friends, friends or family of co-workers.. mainly because that level of trust is already there and it makes the dating process that much smoother. Maybe if you become someone in your career, then you wouldn’t even have to try. Yeah you might think you’d be too old by that time, but look at Tom Brady. His new “potential” gf (as they say lol) is a dime, and he’s 45!

 

Will IC approve the assumption that "BBC" isn't British Broadcasting Corporation?

 

Meet people IRL. Get out of your comfort zone and explore life, take chances and talk to everyone, try to be uncomfortable all the time in terms of breaking the ice. But also develop your social intelligence and your ability to make people comfortable around you. This takes time and effort to do, and you don't really have that in IB or another heavy time consuming role.

For me, doing standup in college was huge because it helped me become more comfortable with awkward silences, learning to read a crowd, and developing my skill of communicating. Making people laugh will make you more valuable than any other skill you can imagine. The guys who I personally know that pull the most are the funniest guys to be around but also have the ability to socially navigate really well.

NYC is a sweaty meat grinder where people value themselves over anything else. Place fucking sucks for "Netflix romances", and the girl that I have that with for is from my hometown. 

 

Agree that you see those Netflix romance relationships in small towns and cities outside of SF/NY etc. my buddy in a small town in Florida pulls way too many girls for his market value cuz it’s a tight knit place where girls don’t have a sea of options

 

It’s not just dating, your financial status, social status, perceived intelligence, etc. will be much higher in smaller cities compared to NYC. It’s the classic “big fish in a small pond” or “small fish in a big pond” mentality.

Sure NYC has a ton of driven people and high earning jobs, but it means that you’re probably just another guy on the street despite working long hours, having gone to a great school, stellar academics, making six figures out of school, etc. This is how the rat race happens because when people advance they are told to pursue more selective tasks (move to a country club, get the hardest job, etc.) leading to your social circle shrinking and feeling average again hence perpetuating a cycle to rise to the top and feel good again. 

Array
 

Also, you are only 22, so put that into perspective. A lot of girls are open to dating guys of their age or a few years older, so your competition is legit. As a 22 year old guy, you have much less to offer than a 25 year old version of yourself (money, looks, maturity, etc...). As much as this sounds Incel-ish (and it is definitely a talking point of those people), I do think there is some legitimacy behind it. In my group at work, of the women, I'd say around half are dating guys that are 1-3 years older than them.

Think about it numerically- on dating apps, a 22 year old guy may be limited for girls who are 22/23 or below, but a 22 year old girl is for sure swiping on guys who are 24 or 25. I'm not saying this is an exact science (I've had a date with 24 year olds from the app), but again I do think the age thing is somewhat valid. Heck, at my undergrad in a city, a lot of the upperclassmen girls dated 24 year old professionals in the city. One (female) friend of mine had her age range set to up to 30!

 

Not unheard of but not so common outside of Hollywood.  Doesn't clear the old "half your age plus 7 rule" (32/2 + 7 = 23) but who honestly cares as long as you're both happy?  Personally would find that age difference at 32 to be too big for me but you do you.

Array
 

NYC is absolutely the easiest place to pick up hot chicks, bar none. I'm not sure how this is "The Ultimate Guide Thread" when you only have talked about a couple of apps.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee
 

ConfusedGuru

AMA, in NYC and can't get a single match. I'm tall, athletic, and make good $$$

You have to develop a story. Get solid abs and tattoo $$$ on your stomach and say "my abs are money" or something like that. Post pictures of this and you can basically get any girl you want.

This leaves two certainties:

- They know you have money

- They know your "abs are money"

It's like shooting fish in a barrel. 

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee
 

To be serious, my point is to be interesting. Girls like to date either super rich guys or interesting guys that make them laugh. 

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee
 

Ok I lied I’m not tall, I’m only 5’10. But legit 5’10 barefoot and close to 6 ft in shoes. Idk if people lie about their height because I’ve felt “tallish” in certain situations. 
 

This is a tough question. There are certain days I feel like a 10/10 sex god, and other days I feel like a 2/10 clown looking mofo. Realistically, I’m probably like a 3/10. There’s no other explanation for why I struggle to date with everything I have going for me. 

 

1) find a 6-8 with great personality from the apps

2) date her, work hard, save as much as you can for the next ~5 years

3) once you have enough savings (let's say $500k), find an easy job with less than 40 hr/week

4) now that you have time, buy a gym pass and a class pass and go to different gyms, yoga, pilates, cycling studios, etc., come up to girls and talk. vast majority will not be interested, but if you're looking for a long-term relationship, you only need one great girl to be interested. it might take several years to get better at approaching and find the one, but eventually you will, if you keep approaching. with time, the embarrassment of rejection and fear of approaching will fade away (might take a year or more though, but no pain no gain).

 

3) once you have enough savings (let's say $500k), find an easy job with less than 40 hr/week

Why $500k, just out of curiosity? Also how much should you earn in your easy 40-hour/week job? 

 

$500k will allow you to feel comfortable about spending your paycheck money, cause you have some significant savings and if you get laid off, you can live for several years on your savings in worst case scenario (or like 10+ years in Philippines/Thailand). also you can make some good income stream from $500k invested in SPY, cause you can sell covered calls and puts. the income from covered calls and puts can be 10%+ realistically. and you can't lose money on it cause you'll just roll the options at further date and closer to or above market strike at the same price. and on $50k+ per year from options growing with SPY, plus your $500k growing, plus dividends from SPY, you can really retire and live in Philippines/Thailand very beautiful life.

so, the short answer is $500k in savings is just realistic achievable amount of money that will allow you to live comfortably without worrying too much about money. cause with dating, if you chase 10s, they'll expect you to entertain them and spend money on them, and if you don't have any savings it will feel sad to burn all paychecks to entertain girls, cause you know if tomorrow you're fired due to recession or whatever and you have no savings, you're fucked.

and that brings us to paycheck amount. I'd say with 5 years of experience in IB or other high finance, you should be able to find an easy sub 40hr/week job that pays like $200k. and $200k will be enough to live a fun life if you're not saving. which is why I said we need to save before starting to live a fun life. if you can find something above $200k, it's great, but I'd say $200k will be fine.

P.S. and of course people on this forum will laugh at my numbers cause everybody here plans to become a billionaire, but I provided realistically achievable numbers. if you try to reach millions in savings and a job that pays mil+ per year, then you'll just spend your whole life working, i.e. waste of life in my book (and yeah of course some people will be making this money in HF in their 30s, but these are exceptions and not realistic expectations).

 

Bro you seem a bit like a nerd/someone who has not had a lot of dating experience. 
 

It is so easy to get dates on hinge.

You're probably too serious/average tbh. You need to get the right pictures (high quality, smiling face, show your lifestyle and passions); and attractive/funny/non-needy prompts. 
 

And then improve your messaging, be creative, be relevant, be funny and playful. 
 

The truth is you probably have no game, so would look on ways to improve your profile/behaviour before spending hours reading on the Hinge algorithm to look for excuses. 

 

Inbounds are generally not the best, the differentiating factor on hinge is if you have good text game you can very easily differentiate yourself vs people who 1) just like pictures 2) say something like “Hey how are you?” Or “Nice picture!” Which is utterly boring. 
 

for example you could use the pics to make an assumption about the girl (“I bet you are…”) or guess her nationality, which is a lot more relevant to her

 

you probably just need to work on your profile and conversation starters, NYC is one of the best dating pools for young guys. you’re right about how hinge works, that they rely on statistics to push the best profiles up. but that doesn’t mean you don’t have a chance, you just need to focus on what you can offer outside of those top profiles.

or you can just borrow a friend’s dog and boat and you’re in business baby.

 

Lived in multiple cities and have to concur (not single rn). NYC was by far the easiest city to "date in" and I've lived in other major cities in the Northeast/South (also a native of the NYC/NJ/LI/Westchester area, Queens/BK are very easy to find someone down to earth/solid 8s vs. impressing rich/uptight girls in Manhattan). If you're making a good living (low 6 figures or more) and live in a "young" neighborhood in those boroughs, should be fairly easy to land dates.

 

1. Apps are good if you're busy, but shouldn't be your only way of meeting people. Great if you're working late on a Tuesday, but don't waste a weekend sitting home on an app.

2. I always say, learn to hunt what you want to eat. Meaning, "great pics and great prompts", okay, but is it attracting/appealing to the women you want? It's like if you had a show a movie at your house and get women to come over, you can say I put on a "great" movie like something Spielberg, but you'd prob get more people to come over and watch the real housewives. Your prompts can be witty or funny, but if it doesn't make people swipe on you, whats the point? That said, figure out what type of women you are going after. Maybe have someone take a look at your profile, as an example, someone might think their profile is good, but someone else might look at it and think the cargo shorts, Nike monarchs, and oversized dress shirt isn't cutting it. 

3. don't use the excuse of people are terrified if you walk up to them in public. That's what people say who ether don't know how to approach people or are too scared to do it. 

On the dating app algos:

Those numbers make sense I feel because women date with a lot more of checklist than men do. Meaning, women think about more thinks such as height, job/income level, what activities do they like to do; where as, when it gets boiled down, most men just want women to be attractive/hot. 

 

It's as common as you want it to be. 

With relationships, whether business or romantic, don't restrict yourself to one area/time/physical location that relationships can only be built. Not everyone meets at a club, its just most people need the liquid confidence to approach. 

If you're looking to meet someone, it can happen anywhere. Traveling, trips, in an elevator, at work, at lunch, at the gym, at the store. Just know how to do it and don't be a creep; meaning, you have to make it look natural. Be smooth, and realize that you wouldn't go 100%. Some people wont reply or give you the time of day. Sometimes its persistent. 

 

I met my fiance on Hinge, and I will present a slightly contrarian view. You should use the apps not as the be-all-end-all of dating, but rather, a tool to scale your available resources. Walk into it knowing what it is, and you won't set yourself up for disappointment, keep those expectations in-line with what it is offering.

I am I would say, slightly above average looking. I'm also a minority, and one that typically according to the media has trouble with apps, but have dated women of all races on the app. I've had several successful semi-serious relationships on it, tons of dates, and of course, one winning match for the rest of my life. Here was my strategy:

1. Pay for the extras.

Seriously, the people with real jobs on this site sit in the top 1% of income earners AT LEAST. Fork over $15 a month or whatever it was, for a limited amount of time (say set yourself a target of 6 months). That's $90, which is what, dinner and a drink for one? Don't be cheap, and use the extras to maximize your reach and pipeline. With unlimited likes, unlimited profiles, etc., you can set up a pipeline of potential dates and not be too concerned if one of them cancels on you. Play the numbers game.

2. Make your profile attractive to women

No selfies (except one with friends). No mirror or gym shots. Have pictures where there are other women present in the photo. Smile. No weird professional portraits. Include some of your hobbies, travel, etc. As someone mentioned, include details in your profile that can help spark a conversation. Be honest about what you want. If you want, have a female friend look over your profile.

3. Straight to the point after exchanging some pleasantries

After you've exchanged a few messages, move off the app. The goal is to move away from the app, because on the app, they will be endlessly presented with new and exciting choices. It becomes a chore. You need to move off the app, whether that is meeting in person, doing an initial Zoom call, or just ask for her number. After the 5th message or so, 9/10 if they are interested I would get the number and start texting them. Easy to schedule a date from there.

I will fully admit that I was lucky and hit the jackpot, but I was paying for the app for a few months and found that I definitely got value out of it. I was also meeting people in person outside of the app, but found that the app acted as a kind of magnifier for my time, and increased my reach. If I wanted to do that at a bar, I would have to approach like 50 women, which sounds exhausting and also creepy/like a pick-up artist.

Use the app, don't let the app use you, and godspeed.

 

I did literally all of the above and con confirm that it worked for me too; I'm now in a very happy 1+ year LTR with an amazing girl I met on Hinge. 

I can't stress enough that paying for the app is a necessary evil. A lot of guys don't want to b/c they're cheap or b/c of their ego (on some "I don't want to pay for pussy bro"), but if you don't then the algorithm fucks you. 

"I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse."
 
pr4mence

1. Pay for the extras.

Seriously, the people with real jobs on this site sit in the top 1% of income earners AT LEAST. Fork over $15 a month or whatever it was, for a limited amount of time (say set yourself a target of 6 months). That's $90, which is what, dinner and a drink for one? Don't be cheap, and use the extras to maximize your reach and pipeline. With unlimited likes, unlimited profiles, etc., you can set up a pipeline of potential dates and not be too concerned if one of them cancels on you. Play the numbers game.

Blows my mind that people don't do this.  Let's say you spend $400/month on dates (which is not a ton in NYC - it's ~5-6 drinks dates at a nice bar) - you're not willing to spend $15 to make those dates significantly better? 

 

Exactly. I've never understood how people aren't looking at the big picture. If you're just on the apps to fuck around and curious/pass the time, sure I get it. If you want to go on dates / meet someone, why wouldn't you be willing to invest in it?

One question I always asked myself; am I just playing to play? Or am I playing to WIN? If the latter, and I'm willing to pay for dates, why wouldn't I pay for a higher chance of getting better dates?

 

Comment / question somewhat related to the OP: have come across several profiles recently that are set up for double dates, two girls are all in the pictures and all their prompts are relating to "take us on a double date" or "have a friend to bring" as ways to win them over. 

Are these the worst people on the apps? Screams "buy my friend and I (both 4s) food and drinks" and obviously doesn't seem like the first step to a LTR. Feel like there's absolutely no way they manage to get any half self-respecting men to oblige. Grinds my gears. 

 

Equinox is worth the price in NYC to meet chicks in classes like spin class.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee
 

I find these posts so weird.

Context where dating apps really don't work: living in the suburbs AT ALL. you need density.

Context where it does: huge cities.

I'm late 20s, 5'11" (for real, not exaggerated), overweight but muscley (I look like a fat powerlifter... which I guess I am), white, post-MBA MBB so I make ~average amount for a late 20s Manhattan professional... and I was easily able to get a date with a cute girl every single week from hinge. Ended up going exclusive within about 2 months with a very cute girl who fits my personality and interests very well.

That said I was absolutely not getting any model/IG baddy type chicks. If you're willing to date someone cute and fit idk why you'd have any problems on NYC dating apps? I'm guessing people who have issues are swiping left on anyone who doesn't look like Kate Upton?

Tinder is completely ruined by onlyfans bots however

 
arbjunkie

I find these posts so weird.

That said I was absolutely not getting any model/IG baddy type chicks. If you're willing to date someone cute and fit idk why you'd have any problems on NYC dating apps? I'm guessing people who have issues are swiping left on anyone who doesn't look like Kate Upton?

Tinder is completely ruined by onlyfans bots however

Agreed. However, I think it goes two ways. A lot of guys overrate themselves and think they can use that to a chick who has supermodel looks/ivy league smarts/funny and not crazy. I don't even know if those people are out there. Then after enough failures they get frustrated. 

On the flip side, I feel there are a lot of girls out there who are smart and funny, but they look like they play/played high school football. Just a like pudgy from too many brunches/cocktails. So I see the dichotomy on how it can go both ways. 

 
DukeGrad_1stYear

If you're above 6 foot, add your height

I put 72.5in.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee
 
Controversial

I love these threads where guys try to figure out why they can’t get dates / why the apps are awful / blame today’s culture on why they can’t get laid.

The amount of cope and salt these guys will provide just to avoid the obvious reason, they are ugly is so yummy to read.

The apps work just like real life. If you’re not short and ugly and poor, you will pull girls. Don’t blame the app. Don’t blame todays culture. Don’t play nyc or banking or algorithms.

Blame your terrible genes.

Maybe hit the gym fatty and save your next bonus for some Botox and hair transplants.

 

Social media =/= not reality. Quit your self-limiting bs that talking with women in public = rape. Those who put this excuse are just full of bullshit and fear. Put your phone down, and speak with as many women as you can find around you until you surpass the creepy phase and become more comfortable being flirtatious.

You're overthinking it and making it sound like meeting women is rocket science when it's one of the easiest things in life. I'm amazed that many people here can make it in IB but can't talk with a women smh

Using dating apps just make you lazy and you'll never get through your fears and insecurities. 

 

Thought this was a legitimate opinion on dating without the use of the repulsive apps - they are in inherently useless and desensitize us to initiative, love, and developing the EQ relevant to charming/flirting. 

 

Hot take, if you are rambling on WSO about how you need help meeting women... well I have already identified a little bit of a problem. Anyways, I will keep this short and sweet. Get some good friends and go out to clubs/bars with them. Ok, the chances you meet the significant other at lavo are low... but once your on a role you can then use this roster that you have built to feel more relaxed when meeting other women in less conventional ways as other people have mentioned. In IB I understand there is much less time if any at all to be going to clubs/bars, but if you can find the time this is what I would recommend as a 1st yr. Go get em.

 

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"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee
 

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16 IB Interviews Notes

“... there’s no excuse to not take advantage of the resources out there available to you. Best value for your $ are the...”

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success
From 10 rejections to 1 dream investment banking internship

“... I believe it was the single biggest reason why I ended up with an offer...”