Dating smart girls

Recently broke up with my girlfriend of several years who was very intelligent and could hold conversation on almost any topic and we could chat for hours. Its been hitting me really hard that simply a lot of people aren't like this and thats just life.

Does anybody else feel like they want this in a partner? Had it been hard to find?

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Comments (75)

Sep 14, 2021 - 11:53pm
parisbudhndrx, what's your opinion? Comment below:

girlfriend is a biochem major at an ivy. fucking amazing. beautiful and smart. long distance becomes easy when you realize none of the girls here even compare to her.

Nov 14, 2021 - 7:23pm
Pizz, what's your opinion? Comment below:

That's great and all…but does she have sex with you??

Mar 22, 2022 - 4:26pm
johnny-mnemonic, what's your opinion? Comment below:

I'm in the same spot. Dated a quantum physicist and now a bio chem / pharmacology student. Going to have to do long distance (same state luckily) for a few years until she graduates. She seems worthwhile and I'm heading to SF so figure the girls at my university will be better than my options in the city.

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Sep 15, 2021 - 12:34am
SafariJoe, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Sorry, I find highly intelligent woman boring when dating them. They make good friends but just boring to date.

SafariJoe, wins again!
Funniest
  • Analyst 1 in IB-M&A
Sep 15, 2021 - 1:03am

I prefer highly intelligent women--especially if they have narcissistic/other psycho tendencies. I've found those types to be the most compatible with me

  • Intern in PE - LBOs
Sep 15, 2021 - 1:28am

I go to an ivy where theoretically there should be a lot of smart girls, meaning there is a higher chance of meeting a girl who's both smart and hot, but generally all the actually smart girls tend to be ugly/middlingly-attractive and the hot girls tend to be dumb. I have just learned to compromise for one or the other. There are two types of girls I hang out with. One's I have interesting conversations with and ones I get drunk with.

Sep 16, 2021 - 1:06am
Jean_Henry, what's your opinion? Comment below:

yeah smart and hot both is a unicorn , not a girl

Sep 15, 2021 - 2:50am
kodi, what's your opinion? Comment below:

The girl I am seeing currently is the first girl who is educated, intelligent and who has a professional job (!).  She is aiming for an MBA in one-two years from now.

1) Seriously the best idea to date someone who is intelligent, the conversations, the ambition, drive and her passion for her career are amazing. Never had that before
2) I previously dated working class women who were mostly unemployed between random jobs like hairdresser, make up artists, retail salesperson, etc. There is nothing wrong if someone is stuck in these jobs, obviously. But if you have a choice, pick the intelligent and driven girl.
3) IF this goes further and we end up getting married or having kids... it is a huge advantage for your children as well to have an accomplished mother they can look up to. A better role model!

Controversial
  • Analyst 1 in IB-M&A
Sep 15, 2021 - 3:20am

You don't need to be Ivy-educated with graduate degrees to be a good mother or a role model for children; there's absolutely no correlation. Chances are the reverse is correlated: high-achieving mothers who end up sacrificing their careers for motherhood can never really let go of what could have been for them, so they take it out on their children by imposing obsessions with achievement to the point that it becomes unhealthy. Also if children find the most admirable qualities of their mother to be their degrees or professional job, I really worry what kind of values those children will bring forth into the world

Most Helpful
Sep 15, 2021 - 3:41am
kodi, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Look, I am not starting an argument which type of mother is the best. Everyone may decide this on their own time.

What I have seen among friends, my ex gfs and people I met is that working class moms often tell their daughters to marry rich or get a guy who takes care of them. And that is exactly what they planned or did. They didn't have the money for education, their own family members never believed in them or instilled values of a "kept woman".  Once you are born into that mindset it is hard to get out of it. This goes for both sons and daughters.

I agree that a career driven mom may not have the time for their kids, but I have spent significant time in European countries where both the dad and mom take time off at work for their children (a concept that isn't really a given in other nations).

IF I ever get married (big IF), and IF I ever have a child who happens to be a daughter - I would want her to look up to her mom and say "I want to be like you one day." She should believe that any woman can achieve any career goal a man can have. And a mom who has achieved these goals really helps in that case.

  • VP in IB-M&A
Sep 15, 2021 - 1:16pm

Lol high achieving people do not have one track minds.
 

I have minimal time to spare but accomplish a hell of a lot more over the course of a week than the majority of people with ample free time who sit on their asses scrolling through tiktoks or watching TV. 
 

If someone managed to build a demanding and successful career, odds are that they know how to plan and balance shit. I'd rather have a wife and mother who can get things done and take some pressure off of me than someone who will have a meltdown over simple tasks because she has never held that level of responsibility before.

I have seen this with my friends with young kids - the women claiming that being a stay at home mom is grueling work of unprecedented proportions are just incapable in general. I have female friends who are still working in director or junior partner-level roles and raising their young kids and are fine. 

Nov 14, 2021 - 5:06pm
wswbw, what's your opinion? Comment below:

A woman can be intelligent, well-read, passionate, balanced, inspiring, generous, supportive, and wonderful, in a career she chose for personal fulfillment and wlb. 

Many hair dressers, estheticians, and other working-class people pursue the field because they find the work enjoyable and both creatively and interpersonally fulfilling. wso is generally and understandably obsessed with prestige which seems to also at times lead to selection of a what equates to a modern-day trophy partner from a limited number of impressive-sounding roles and schools.

It's worth considering that a partnership with someone who balances one's intense societally-approved ambitions through her passion and wlb-geared life choices can be a very healthy and inspiring complement. You may find a partner who works 30 hours in a passion-job that she wakes up excited for each day, and who spends her free time learning and reading and continually bettering herself, to be a treasured companion. Drive can be found in many forms among people who don't pursue it in high academics and careers. 

It's definitely valid to find that a partner with similar academic and career experience is most compatible in terms of a shared understanding of lifestyle and life experience, but a life partnership that is most fulfilling is also about the level of mutual respect, support, kindness, and communication, which do not at all depend on a title you'd like to say to your coworkers. 

Appearance and titles are impressive to society, but true happiness and joy at home do not come from these things. An open mind may lead you to greater fulfillment and deeper love. Intelligence and drive are not exclusive to those with impressive resumes, and you might consider that it may be better that children admire their mother's character, convictions, patience, and heart, than her achievements. 

  • Associate 1 in IB-M&A
Sep 15, 2021 - 1:37pm

Am I the only one who thinks that intelligent/driven girls are not necessarily high pedigree? There's correlation but have also dated a number who were working 'regular' jobs and I always got the impression they were just as smart as any of the finance/law type of girls I saw. Obviously not everyone is going to be like that..

Sep 15, 2021 - 2:00pm
IncomingIBDreject, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Interesting point that I agree with. Here are a few thoughts why I think why:

1) High EQ does not imply High IQ and vice versa. That recent "Investment Banking is Paradise thread" had Chad and Mark the tech nerd who seemed timid and nervous while looking down. Obviously the stereotype isn't concrete, but it does show that just because you are smart doesn't mean you have the greatest social skills. High EQ is an often overlooked yet important quality when choosing who to date/marry. High EQ and being able to read your SO's emotions is the best way to navigate difficult times and arguments. You definitely need a baseline IQ to have a high EQ, if you're a complete idiot than you'll have no clue at all on what is going on, but you don't need to be a PHD at Harvard to have that EQ.

2) Not everyone who is smart has the resources to go to college, much less an Ivy. To get into an Ivy you need the right resources and training from high school, maybe even middle school. In lower income families there's a push for the kids to start working in high school part time to pay the bills, and you bet they don't have the time or the money to let their kid pursue something like playing the violin on top of academics to get the Ivy admissions. "Females" is a joke of a diversity filter - Chad's sister's are the ones getting into an Ivy not some white girl from the Dakotas raised in a working class household. While alma matter may have some indication of intelligence for those in the upper class, that indication gets thrown out the door when you are dealing with working class folk.

3) Many things in life are learned through experience, not through education. There's a reason we have internships that we do in college. The girl may be lacking on the education side, but she has way more work and life experience than most upper class college graduates who were basically kids who could screw around and party until 22, unlike the working class girl who started paying bills at 16 and most likely had to pay every bill and live alone starting at 18. 

Array

  • 16
  • VP in IB-M&A
Sep 15, 2021 - 2:17pm

Every girl with a regular job that I have dated believed in astrology and enneagrams and talked incessantly about only her dog and/or plants and how she is a traveling foodie, all the while low key insinuating that I played a role in enabling class immobility. Fucking exhausting

Sep 15, 2021 - 2:55pm
IncomingIBDreject, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Every girl with a regular job that I have dated believed in astrology and enneagrams and talked incessantly about only her dog and/or plants and how she is a traveling foodie, all the while low key insinuating that I played a role in enabling class immobility. Fucking exhausting

I know people who work in corporate who do the exact same thing - granted they aren't FO but even among the upper class it's not easy.

As for the "class immobility" thing you have to stop dating feminists/extreme liberals even if you are a moderately liberal guy. From what I've seen apolitical or independent is basically the equivalent of a moderate liberal for girls. 

Array

  • 4
Sep 15, 2021 - 10:38pm
IncomingIBDreject, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Few things:

1) It's easier to get the driver's seat (figuratively) if you're the smarter one - after sometime she'll basically trust you on tough decisions and you won't have to rigorously defend every single action you take (like the poster mentioned below). 

2) If the intelligence levels aren't the same you bring more value to the relationship - there are some girls who genuinely want intelligent guys in a relationship and it's not just to buy them a new purse. If you are smarter she will come to you for advice in other issues or just want to listen to your thoughts on some event or issue going on. This increases the probability she will stay with you LT compared to looking for someone else (assuming you want to marry her as well)

3) There's often a tradeoff between intelligence and other characteristics. I think about the smart girls who coded day and night in college all day and now are at tech firms. Others who networked, grinded technicals, and participated in every finance club to make it to IB (I went to a non-target). That's time that wasn't spent at the gym  getting fit, pursuing some other hobby or interesting talent, etc. Post-college we're all in somewhat demanding careers that don't leave an exorbitant amount of free time. Some guys would rather do other things with the limited time they have with their SO then get into philosophical discussions and debates. Really a different strokes for different folks type of thing here. 

4) In my experience highly educated college chicks are super liberal to an extent it's too much for me. There are probably exceptions but I have yet to meet those people. Would rather have someone a few notches down if it means have a similar (not necessarily identical) outlook on life in  general. 

Array

  • 13
Sep 15, 2021 - 2:34pm
Layne Staley, what's your opinion? Comment below:

My wife is smart. She's as well-educated as I am, but that's not what I mean - she's a quick, structured thinker who can independently handle complex problems. It's served her well both in her professional life and personal life. (Scholastically you'd probably say the same thing - good grades, tough major, good test scores, etc.)

It makes some things easier and some things harder.

Easier:

  • Makes for a good personality fit for me. I like to argue / discuss / debate / hear what people think about all kinds of things, and she's a good sparring partner. Definitely not boring. 
  • There's so much she can do that she doesn't need help with. With kids or travel or home repairs or a jillion things that require decision-making in a marriage, I can ignore it and know that a capable person is just handling her shit. We all have crippling decision fatigue so this is big as you get older.
  • It raises our risk floor and gives me career optionality. I'm not our only lifeline to income, so I can take risks and know that if I fail, our family isn't totally screwed. Being a perpetual sole breadwinner takes that backstopping away.
  • I like the dynamic of having two parents that are intellectual equals and treat each other that way for our kids. I know a lot of marriages don't work that way and I'm not denigrating them, but I like how our kids respond to seeing parents as partners. There's a lot more that intellectual standing that goes into that, but it's certainly a piece.

Harder:

  • So much less control. I can't tell her what to do - she's too smart, she'll pick apart my arguments if they're dumb, and she isn't my dependent (tax status notwithstanding) so the burden of proof is on me to convince her of an appropriate course of action. Sometimes it would be easier to just say "look I don't want to argue about it, please just do what I say" but that's pretty intellectually dissatisfying, and while an emotionally aware partner can pick their spots for disagreement, ultimately they'll need to be convinced and not told.
  • Higher bar for myself. Anyone see the twitter thread about the guy who put his girlfriend's picture on tinder and watched the swipes pour in? There are plenty of men who would like to be in my shoes. Nobody in a marriage should take their partner for granted, but this keeps me honest and doesn't let me get lazy.

Obviously I've come to the conclusion that the pros outweigh the cons, but it might not work out that way for everyone. I know plenty of men with a different strategy who are really happy.

"Son, life is hard. But it's harder if you're stupid." - my dad
  • 23
Sep 16, 2021 - 12:41am
Frybird101, what's your opinion? Comment below:

The 'harder' points you mention seem to make you do better. A great relationship is one where the both of you can grow together. It is likely harder but worth it in the long run (just like most things are: working out, saving and investing, eating right, etc.).

Oct 4, 2021 - 4:56pm
trustmeimanengineer, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Yeah but years down the road, it's annoying AF having to justify everything. I love my wife (similar to the top comment here) but she has a hard time letting me lead. I make the big life decisions. She knows she can't handle the pressure but still cant hand over the reigns to me. I love her to death, but it is infuriating. I've never led us astray and yet dont have the freedom to make the big decision. She cant pick which entree to get and yet wants a say in life-altering decisions.

Marriage is great, but it can be tough

Sep 15, 2021 - 3:33pm
stay thirsty my friends, what's your opinion? Comment below:

My gf of 3 years isn't super intelligent. She's smart enough to get 3.5 GPA at a mediocre state school (maybe that's more drive) but she doesn't love having long intellectual discussions and can't really hold her weight in a debate. I'm OK with that.

I really appreciate her for her strengths that I don't necessarily have. Everyone loves her, she's always positive, she's super goofy and fun and makes me a happier person.

Do I wish she was smarter, sure, but I don't think that's really the recipe for happiness. My two cents.

Sep 15, 2021 - 10:18pm
IncomingIBDreject, what's your opinion? Comment below:

I really appreciate her for her strengths that I don't necessarily have. Everyone loves her, she's always positive, she's super goofy and fun and makes me a happier person.

Your username begs to differ... 

Array

Sep 15, 2021 - 5:22pm
financeabc, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Most highly educated people are going to end up with educated spouses while most uneducated people are going to end up with uneducated souses.  This is based on my own the personal bubble.  

Sep 15, 2021 - 10:44pm
IncomingIBDreject, what's your opinion? Comment below:

It's not that surprising in your generation considering how important geographic proximity was to finding a girl.  Since most of us live in white collar neighborhoods that price out those without demanding careers, the people you are going to meet at the neighborhood spot are very likely white collar professionals as well. That may start to shift though with online dating and dating apps starting to become more common. Now it is possible for people who live in different districts to easily meet each other. 

Array

  • 1
Sep 16, 2021 - 8:16am
financeabc, what's your opinion? Comment below:
IncomingIBDreject

It's not that surprising in your generation considering how important geographic proximity was to finding a girl.  Since most of us live in white collar neighborhoods that price out those without demanding careers, the people you are going to meet at the neighborhood spot are very likely white collar professionals as well. That may start to shift though with online dating and dating apps starting to become more common. Now it is possible for people who live in different districts to easily meet each other. 

Part of it might be generational but the core concept it still the same. You are probably going to end up with someone with whom you share common interests. Of course, I did not use dating aps.  I dated plenty of women who were not that smart but dating is different from marrying.  Regarding geography, well yeah, I dated women in a relatively local proximity. My geographic range was NJ to Manhattan to Long Island.  If we wanted to have some fun regardless of intellect of the women, we went to clubs on Long Island. This was at a time when smoking was allowed inside of bars/clubs.  Even though I did not smoke, I use to come home reeking of smoke.  If we wanted to be more serious about meeting educated people, we spent time in Manhattan and NJ

  • 3
Sep 15, 2021 - 11:16pm
magicjava, what's your opinion? Comment below:

They don't need to be smart as in having a lot of mental horsepower. They just need to be motivated and have goals and interests.

  • Analyst 1 in IB - Gen
Sep 16, 2021 - 8:38am

Btw it is good to date smart girls but i found that smart girls *generally* correlate to motivated girls which also *generally* correlate to alpha women. 

Just my experience, but I realized that alpha man and alpha woman can't be in the same relationship as both are stubborn, fight for power, and clash alot.

Sep 16, 2021 - 4:32pm
PEarbitrage, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Positives and negatives.  The problem with "smart" people in general is they actually tend to be more easily indoctrinated into all kinds of cults of beliefs.  However, on the positive side you can have a conversation that involves more than "fuck me harder".  So there is that.

Sep 16, 2021 - 6:03pm
Gentleman and Scholar, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Let's not forget one critical component of proven dating correlation: hot vs. crazy. Let's all strive to reach a woman in the "wife zone," and for the lucky bastards that have a woman in the "unicorn zone," don't ever forget that you've reached the pinnacle of dating success.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XuI6GTY9eVc

  • Associate 2 in PE - LBOs
Sep 16, 2021 - 8:36pm

Could never date a dumb girl. Did once, never again.

Sep 16, 2021 - 8:40pm
Isaiah_53_5 💎🙌💎🙌💎, what's your opinion? Comment below:

I date a girl who is reasonably smart, but unfortunately English is her third language and she is a messy texter which drives me crazy. I correct her sometimes. And she doesn't understand obscure English words so there's that. But, intellect and language ability aren't always fully correlated.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

Sep 16, 2021 - 11:03pm
WillHunting, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Highly recommend.

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Oct 10, 2021 - 7:24pm
GDS120811, what's your opinion? Comment below:

I would actually date a smart girl any day over a dumb girl. I think it comes down to the fact that smart girls tend to be a lot more ambitious and have actual plans for their lives.

Oct 12, 2021 - 11:27am
dumbo, what's your opinion? Comment below:

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Nov 14, 2021 - 8:10pm
m_1, what's your opinion? Comment below:

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Mar 25, 2022 - 1:46pm
greenlander., what's your opinion? Comment below:

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