Felt like I got a "Fake" Review? But good rating / bonus?
This will be a weird post, and I am sure this stems from very serious insecurity issues, but I just had my review and bonus figures. I received top review and top bonus, but feel really weird about it all...
This job so far has completely kicked my ass. I have had constant panic attacks, deep anxiety, etc about upsetting my seniors, not doing well, missing deadlines, not knowing how to do something, where I swear the night before my review I thought I was going to be laid off no joke.
The thing is that all of the partners, principals praised me super hard, but I am sure it is literally only because of politics / personality / my likeability. I know this because I have gotten invited out to drinks with seniors as the only associate invited, etc, multiple directors have told the staffer they only want me on deals, etc.
However, I have gotten absolutely REAMED out by my senior associates and VPs. My review was good because the partners and principals and founders don't see how many turns of the work I require, how much I mess up, and how much baby holding and how many times associates have to come in and do things for me because I am just straight up not good. I just feel weird about this all. Anyone feel like they are in the same boat? Should I just shut up and believe I guess I must be doing better than I thought?
Imposter syndrome. If you're new-ish to the job thst is totally normal. There's a huge learning curve. If your associates/VPs truly disliked you they would not hesitate to give that feedback, so clearly they don't dislike you even if they get angry in the moment.
Be grateful / happy with your rating. It's okay to be politically "skilled" as long as you're working on the technical part and trying to reduce errors and turns at the same time. Take advantage of the position you're in and try and keep solid relationships with the seniors if they seem open to it
Appreciate it.
Incoming analyst so take what I say with a grain of salt, but I have spent summers in groups known to be particularly political, so I understand how and why you feel the way you do.
First, the job is iterative. That’s not you. It is just the nature of IB/PE and something everyone just has to get comfortable with. Second, you can’t take your asso / vp being upset personally. More often than not, they are just pissed off and stressed and don’t care about your feelings, you’re the bottom of the totem pole so a big part of the job is just eating shit to make people above you feel better, not saying don’t push back when it’s truly becoming intolerable (gotta have a spine to be successful in this field) but do take comfort in the fact that it’s not you it’s them. Also, take comfort that for those doing reviews, they really don’t care about you enough to form an opinion of if they truly like you or not. Reality is that you are like a laptop to them, if you meet the expectations of serving your purpose, your staffer will like you since it’s not really his job / relevant to actually know or like / dislike you. Lastly, if you have internal sponsors above the people that don’t like you, those people are somewhat forced to shut up formally, even if they are rude to you or make your life hell, especially if your reputation is as strong as it sounds. It is rare that someone uses their own political currency with someone above them for your failure if your reputation is already strong (the junior / early mid-level isn’t really structured to incentivize that the way the senior levels are). Those who deviate from the political game theory optimal choice to this degree generally are going to be out the door within a year or two since they’re not politically savvy enough to make it beyond junior / early mid-level anyways (and they won’t have much political clout in the first place anyways, so in all likelihood, they’ll be told to fuck off anyways), and those who have enough good will to do this without losing much political currency probably don’t care enough or aren’t insecure enough to screw you over if you’re mediocre or better.
Tl;dr: you’re doing a good job, keep it up and cherish being a “good fit” for the group because that, not talent or hard work, really does make or break your experience and trajectory
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