Gf ain’t supporting IB route

I just made a career switch and finally stepped my foot into IB (analyst) after the first week of working and doing the classic 75 hour work week and warning my gf that hours will be long she no longer supports it. What should I do? Do all IB people have gfs in ib aswell?

Region
 

you basically need a very understanding GF or someone who is works in demanding jobs (law, IBD etc.) or has friends who work in those areas. 

my GF got mad pissed a lot of times when i get calls at like 12am or over the weekend when we're both at the gym or for fire drills. she even jokes that she feels like the mistress to my colleagues and i spend more time with my VP/D more than she spends with me (she's right). 

You should prioritise and don't look back. 

 

Yea, I get it. I just spent so much time with her before but simply can’t afford to do the same. I wish she would understand that long term we’re both winning in this case because I won’t be forever working 80 hour weeks

 

you’d be surprised. life doesnt really get that much easier as you move up in ib (also depends on what kind of ib). 

 
doobeedoobeedoo

lol at “mad pissed”

Funny phrasing

mad pissed is like super pissed

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee
 

I went through a similar situation not too long ago and what worked best for me (so far) is reminding them that this isn’t permanent and that eventually I’ll be in a place where WLB significantly improves.

 

These comments are pretty one-sided (which makes sense given the makeup of this forum), so let me give you the other side (from my current GF). Transitioning into IB is a really abrupt disruption of your routine / expected week, and a bad reaction from your SO is very much expected. It's only been a week: I don't think it's fair to say she can't support you, as other comments are saying. It's just initial shock and most people will acclimate. 

You should sit down with her, talk through expectations, and clearly lay out a) why you are choosing this path, and b) why it will pay off in the long run. Then, I'd give it 3-4 months and re-assess. If this isn't the path for her, make a clean exit. 

 

If

a) You see a real future with her, find a day to really talk all of this through, your timeline in how long you'll be working these hours for, why you want to be in this industry, and how she fits in with your future goals. She may be willing to compromise if she can understand that you don't see yourself working these hours for life and it's for long term benefits. If she's truly important to you, then this may not be the career route you want to go down. I've met plenty of wealthy people who understand that their partner and children are more important than any wealth or status they could ever accumulate. 

or

b) If she isn't that important to you, just rip the band aid off you can fully focus on your career. She is not worth your time if she cannot accept your new job

 

I'm about your age, but know people and have close friends where it's so evidently clear they're perfect for each other in the relationship. 

Judging by how you respond to this I would implore you to just drop it with her. 

> nah, I can't without trying to make it work

Lol she'll never accept you working these hours and they're not subject to change anytime soon, especially with you at 24. I think it would show more care if you just gave her the ultimatum that these are the hours you'll be working for X many years and that's the way it is. Your gf will either accept it or she won't. If it was a relationship that had real future potential she would put more effort into accepting things as they are and supporting you, but she isn't. 

 

Giving my two cents here as I went through a tough acclimation period, too. I think it’s jumping to conclusions to say she is “not the one” because of one reaction. It is also a fantasy to assume you will bang out all of the issues over a few nice dinners (I’ve tried).

You’re both human, and the source of the problem (obscene workload and competing demand for attention) is not going to go away.

On the bright side, it’s a good sign that she wants you > dollars. But I don’t know either of you personally, so I can’t opine on whether she specifically wants you or is OK with getting attention elsewhere. Best of luck to both of you, but things will need to play out and you’ll need to keep coming back to calibrate.

I think another thread mentioned a S.O. can be the best or worst thing in IB. Having a ride or die is clutch through your junior years. On the flipside, it is BRUTAL to come back to your place at 2am to launch into a fight about prioritization/lack of attention (esp because her concerns and complaints will be valid and warranted). If you respect her, you’ll listen to her and hear her out, and it’ll be 5am and minutes away from showering and getting back to the grind. It’s a unique hell to be dead tired and walking back to work the morning after feeling deflated from relationship stress.

That being said, it is totally worth it and she does not need to be in IB or even a high workload job to meet you in the middle. For what it’s worth, my gf (now wife) was incredibly supportive and understanding while working a 9-4. 

Just remember - this is going to be a continuous process. And while I relate to you doing this to set you both up for the future (grind on the mind bayBEE), it was also important for me to be introspective and ask how much of the sacrifice was actually for her (i.e. my wife never asked for tier-1 comp, and a large part of the narrative of grinding for the future was actually me justifying my own personal ambitions).

But whatever! You’re young, you’ll figure it out, man. Godspeed and get that $$$.

 

There is a scenario in which you're dating a wonderful and independent person, but they still can miss you and have needs. 

Dating someone in IB takes consistent recalibrating. Every few months, we (IB BF/ consulting GF) need to check in, and in some cases, both need to have a constructive meltdown about how frustrated we are.

What really helps is deciding what we each need and how we can fulfill those needs. Aim for small wins: coffee before work, a short midday call, an hour dinner on Sunday, it does add up and helps sustain the relationship when you’re really busy.   

For her, she will figure out what she needs. I always make plans for the middle of the day on the weekends. Our time is first thing in the morning when he's most likely free or late at night after I see my girlfriends. It's been great to have this safeguard him becoming my whole identity. 

That said, I always have a contingency plan. 

I always have something to read, or an alternative plan whenever I'm supposed to see him. So if he gets caught up or has to cancel, I can do something constructive whether it's a yoga class or wrapping up some work myself. Whenever he can accommodate me, like by picking a restaurant I like, joining a fitness class with me, grabbing flowers, keeping my favorite coffee in his apartment- he does.

You need to understand which balls are glass and which are plastic. So when I am really upset about work, need advice, or it's important, I say so, and he takes my call, or maybe gets one less hour of sleep to come over to my place to talk it out. But then, for little annoyances or things that aren't that important, I go to a friend or handle it myself.

This said, I have acted insane and freaked out, made big statements like your GF did, whatever. But it does not overcome the good in the relationship. 

Work has been extra hard for him this past month, so we have not had dates or quality time. But this week, he came over way more booked dinner for the weekend, and we are planning to run on Sunday. 

It’s about the highs and the lows but if she’s never crazy she’s probably not that into you. Most girls you’d want to date will need to acclimate, have needs, and will be frustrated from time to time. Give her space to freak out. Ultimately, with limited time it will be harder to advance any other relationship and you’ll want to confirm you’re really incompatible before calling it quits.

It was hardest in the beginning. Nowadays when I can I’ll pack him brownies for the office, do his laundry once in a while, be there late at night when he’s worked up and just try to be someone who understands, and he always has my plans to slot into…but I have a meltdown once a month. Hope it works out. 

 

Consultant in Research - Other:

There is a scenario in which you're dating a wonderful and independent person, but they still can miss you and have needs. 



Dating someone in IB takes consistent recalibrating. Every few months, we (IB BF/ consulting GF) need to check in, and in some cases, both need to have a constructive meltdown about how frustrated we are.



What really helps is deciding what we each need and how we can fulfill those needs. Aim for small wins: coffee before work, a short midday call, an hour dinner on Sunday, it does add up and helps sustain the relationship when you’re really busy.   



For her, she will figure out what she needs. I always make plans for the middle of the day on the weekends. Our time is first thing in the morning when he's most likely free or late at night after I see my girlfriends. It's been great to have this safeguard him becoming my whole identity. 



That said, I always have a contingency plan. 



I always have something to read, or an alternative plan whenever I'm supposed to see him. So if he gets caught up or has to cancel, I can do something constructive whether it's a yoga class or wrapping up some work myself. Whenever he can accommodate me, like by picking a restaurant I like, joining a fitness class with me, grabbing flowers, keeping my favorite coffee in his apartment- he does.



You need to understand which balls are glass and which are plastic. So when I am really upset about work, need advice, or it's important, I say so, and he takes my call, or maybe gets one less hour of sleep to come over to my place to talk it out. But then, for little annoyances or things that aren't that important, I go to a friend or handle it myself.



This said, I have acted insane and freaked out, made big statements like your GF did, whatever. But it does not overcome the good in the relationship. 



Work has been extra hard for him this past month, so we have not had dates or quality time. But this week, he came over way more booked dinner for the weekend, and we are planning to run on Sunday. 



It’s about the highs and the lows but if she’s never crazy she’s probably not that into you. Most girls you’d want to date will need to acclimate, have needs, and will be frustrated from time to time. Give her space to freak out. Ultimately, with limited time it will be harder to advance any other relationship and you’ll want to confirm you’re really incompatible before calling it quits.



It was hardest in the beginning. Nowadays when I can I’ll pack him brownies for the office, do his laundry once in a while, be there late at night when he’s worked up and just try to be someone who understands, and he always has my plans to slot into…but I have a meltdown once a month. Hope it works out. 


Thank you. I appreciate this. I really do love her and want to make it work. The last thing i’d want is to make it to VP at 30 and notice that everyone has a gf or at that point a wife but i’m stuck with myself. You are very lucky to have a thoughtful bf and I’m sure he appreciates you aswell.

 

I had a girlfriend like this a few years ago. I was working maybe 60hrs a week (I work in real estate after all, so it doesn’t get worse than that- pretty mild) and she would get upset when I couldnt spend time with her yntil “late”. Mind you, I wasn’t working on the weekends and made time for her. I told her that based on where I want my career to go, it wasn’t going to improve. She said she wanted someone who got home the same time as her parents (they work for the god damn school district. Her dad did landscaping for schools and her mom was a principal). 
 

ripped that bandaid off and never thought about it again. Will say the sex improve immediately but that was short lived.

“Bestow pardon for many things; seek pardon for none.”
 

Had a similar situation and GF wasn’t liking my hours (not IB hrs) and I said “if you don’t want to be with me then leave.” She only wanted me more after I said that. YMMV.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee
 

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There are women who will deal with it.  That said, they're not going to make the effort to deal w/ it unless they view you as a future husband, so the lack of attempt to figure out a way to get through it says she doesn't see you that way and it's probably just speeding up the inevitable process of going your separate ways. 

I come from down in the valley, where mister when you're young, they bring you up to do like your daddy done
 

I was super open with gf (now wife) when we started dating that I would be working crazy hours and throwing our $ into crazy stuff. 

She was ok with that, if we always had $x in the bank account, and that is the condition I operate on.

IMO its super lame your GF is changing her mind now...lol. Not a high integrity move at all...but I guess it depends on how open you were about what the role would entail...

 

Depends on if:

1) she is in a high-demand field, being it finance, law, healthcare etc. where even if she has better WLB (e.g. she is in corp-dev / in-house), she understands the dues have to be paid and has ambitious plans for her career herself;

2) She plans future with you and has high expectations related to future lifestyle (apartment, cars, vacations, wedding etc.);

3) She truly loves you and is very compatible with you.

If any of the above points are true - you may have a chance. If not, (especially point 1 or 3) - you are in your mid-twenties and still have plenty of time to settle down (especially in late 20s / early 30s). Go enjoy yourself and spend your bonus on the strippers.

 

Bro this is so funny considering how many panty dropper chicks there are in NYC for IB. You're dating out of the wrong zip code. 

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee
 

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