Russian Nursery Rhymes

One night, I was in bed, beating my wife, when phone ring. I beat

phone, then pick it up. I hear voice. Voice says;

"What you do with my daughter?!"

I turn to wife and demand to know why her father interrupt me beating

her. But she say, her father is dead!

Then, KGB break into house and arrest me for illegal possession of phone.

Such is life in Moscow.

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I check into small hotel a few kilometers from Kiev. It is late. I am tired. I tell woman at desk I want a room. She tells me room number and give key. "But one more thing comrade; there is one room without number and always lock. Don't even peek in there." I take key and go to room to sleep.

Night comes and I hear trickling of water. It comes from the room across. I cannot sleep so I open door. It is coming from room with no number. I pound on door. No response. I look in keyhole. I see nothing except red.

Water still trickling. I go down to front desk to complain. "By the way who is in that room?" She look at me and begin to tell story.

There was woman in there. Murdered by her husband. Skin all white, except her eyes, which were red.

I tell her I don't give a shit. Stop the water trickling or give me refund. She gave me 100 ruble credit and free breakfast.

Such is life in Moscow

Mother and father got a little tired from building Communism, so they want to go to Moscow to buy vodka. They call their most trusted babysitter. When the babysitter arrives, children already sleep in beds. Babysitter just sits around and make sure everything good with children. Later that night, babysitter gets bored and goes to read Marx, but she can't read it downstairs because there's no electricity (the parents didn't want children reading Marx all night long).

So, she calls them and asks if she can get candles to read Marx in their room. Of course, the parents say it's okay, but the babysitter has one final request... she asked if she could cover up the Lenin statue outside the bedroom window with a blanket or cloth, because it maeks her nervous.

The phone line is silent for a moment, and the father who says, "Take the children and get out of the house... we will call milita. We do not have an Lenin statue."

The militia found all three of the house occupants dead because KGB killed them for trying to cover Lenin's statue. And militia arrested parents for not having a Lenin statue.

Such is life in Moscow.

You are home to watch Pravda on televisir about degenerate murderer who is on the loose. You look out the window door to beet field, and you notice Man standing in the snow. He look like foto on televisir and he smile at you. You gulp vodka, picking up fone to your right and dialing Local Militia Precinct Commissar. Back out the glass you look, pressing fone to ear. Notice he now closer to you. You drop vodka in shock.

No footprints in snow. It was reflection. You dullard!

Your apartment is bulldozed down to make way for glorious tractor factory.

Once I hear story about girl in Chaplygin. She was asleep in her bed, when she feel lick on her hand. She thinks it is dog and goes to sleep. Next morning, she finds note on dresser with dead head of dog. It says "Capitalists can lick too." She screams.

The girl was sent for re-education in Estonia, her parents sent to labor in Siberia. One must always be watchful and never let American spies into one's house.

"Father, I had a bad dream"

You take a sip of vodka and roll over. You stare at the clocktower on Sobornaya Square it's 3:23. "Go back to sleep, there is work tomorrow."

"No, Father."

The familiar warm buzz of vodka starts to sink in. You can barely make out your daughter's pale form in the darkness. "Why is that, devochka moya?"

"Because in my dream, when I was about to go back to sleep, the thing wearing Mother's skin sat up."

You pause, and face your daughter and look at her intensely. The figure behind you begins to stir.

"Don't talk that way about your brother, it is not his fault we have no money for coats. Such is life in Moscow."

Item #: SCP-173

Object class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-173 is to be kept in shed behind farm. Three strong communist men must drink liter of vodka before enter. Two must stare at item, one must continue drink vodka.

Description: Moved to shed after wooden pen freeze and break during cold Soviet winter. Shed is also wood, but with paint sometimes. SCP-173 is extremely hostile, like red faced Americans. Is also coward. Neither will make move while strong Soviet men have watchful eye. No one blink, on punishment of beating with cold leather. Object enjoy snap neck, like American commando pig. If object allowed to move, all will be sent to cold Siberia for reeducation.

Personnel report sound of stone scraping when creature is alone. This is dutiful Russian work ethic. If sound stops, subject to be beaten with iron rods, like child.

Floor is covered in shit and blood, like normal Soviet household. Shed must be cleaned every two weeks. Kept much cleaner than most Soviet household.

One night man tries escape from gulag.

Makes his way to cabin in middle of tundra. Inside is plain, but many family pictures on walls. He falls asleep. In middle of night he is put in sack and dragged out. The next morning he is shot like dog.

Pictures are windows. KGB always watching.

There is house in Chechnya. One day police come by to find woman's body badly burnt in oven.

Little girl, you should obey your husband if he tell you something.

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So I Am in the process of making out with my boyfriend yes?

When suddenly,telephone rings,"NIKO IT'S YOUR COUSIN,LET'S GO SEE SOME BEEG AMERICAN TITTIES".I say to my boyfriend,"Niko,it's your cousin"

Haha,my cousins dead.

So I ask you comrades,WHO WAS TELEPHONE?

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Russian man is at work alone. Copy machine begins making copies. Man did not make copies. He goes to look. Copies show him dead at desk.

He curses bad Swedish machines. Shoots copier, and begins making all copies by hand.

You are diligent worker at Soviet Administration office working at night. The Soviet Copy Machine begins working like good Soviet worker. You go to Soviet Copy Machine and see many Soviet copies in the Soviet tray. It is picture of you dead in chair. The other pictures are also of you dead but taken from more Soviet angles.

There is no original picture in the copy machine. In fact, the machine has been out of toner for a week.

SOVIET COPY MACHINES WORK OVERTIME FOR GOOD OF CAUSE. That's all I've got. Toys are made by loyal factory for amusement of the children of the motherland. Toys are of baby, and have realistic crying function. Soon, it becomes difficult to distinguish baby and toy. Both are burned for warmth. Such is life in mother Russia Babysitter home with young boy and young girl. She get call parents, who are working night shift in factory asking if everything is fine. She tells them da, but the large statue of Lenin in daughter's room is unsettling.

Later, she is arrested by KGB for calling great father of motherland "unsettling". She is sent to count trees in Siberia.

Such is life in Moscow. In Russia, coffin has pipe for air, and bell with string. If man is true Soviet, he does not die. When buried, yells for undertaker and rings bell.

Bell rings. Is no wind.

Undertaker asks - "Are you lady Gorbochev?"

Voice says "Yes!"

"Born winter of 1927?"

"Yes!"

"Gravestone says 'Died 20 February, 1957"

"Niet, am still living!"

"Am sorry, but is August. In June, ground will thaw. You must wait for June."

And woman is true Soviet, waits for June. Walking home one night, you notice all the candles in personal shack are lit. You finish vodka bottle as you approach your door. House is empty, and you made sure not to feed guard dog, but candles still go out.

You check your pocket watch, small hand on 4, big hand on 1. You relise you'll be late for unpaid community service.

At service, you find letter on floor. It's signed to you, from you. You open the letter, confused. Inside reads "the out for watch watch" You look at pocket watch. big hand on 4, little hand on one. You look at note again, it appears the 4th and 1st words have swapped places. "Watch out for the watch." You look at pocket watch again.

You realise watch is broken, and decide you must get it fixed. You also decide to cut back on vodka, so as to not send letters to yourself anymore.

Such is life in mother Russia.

It is cold night in Yak tusk and school teacher is cleaning filth of peasant children from classroom. She worries much because KGB has been removing teachers from area for teaching the wrongs of strong communism which unites the soviet union. She is finished and prepares her auto, built with soviet strength, for the long journey home. Due to her small brain she forgets to fill with petrol and is forced to stop at petrol station to beg for fuel. Strong boy begins to fill petrol when he begins to make faces at traitor teacher, she is unsettled. He tells her to open engine compartment because car looks like women have been taking care of it. She opens and boy tells her that car is broken, needs fix, come inside and enjoy vodka with father. She tells boy, no I finish drive, strange boy scares teacher. The boy refuses pulls arm with soviet might forcing teacher into petrol station. Teacher fights and boy tells her to calm, there is man in back seat of auto, he needed to get her to safety or they would both be finished. Local police are summoned but only find empty bottle of vodka in backseat, also papers discussing democracy versus communism. Teacher never seen again. One night bourgeois parents go to see Moscow Ballet. They hire young girl with their filthy money to watch children. There are only simple rotary phones in great Soviet Union. Parents come home, girl and children are carved into tiny pieces.

Police say parents should have beaten children more. Only bad parents must hire other people to frighten little ones into obedience. They are disappeared and sent to Siberian work camps. Boy was having sexytime with girl on couch, phone ring. "Da?" "What are you doing with mine daughter, capitalist pig?!" He then hang up. Girl looks to him.. "But.. father is dead.."

In Soviet Russia, Phone was Who? One night man is riding mule down dirt road. Young woman stands on side of road, calls out for ride home. Is very cold in Soviet winter. Man takes off coat and puts it on back of mule. Girl is also cold. Man gives her sack of turnip for to wear. Girl is much thankful for ride home.

Next morning man realize it is day for buying turnip at market, and girl still has sack. He goes to her house. No girl is there, only father. He says daughter died in salt mines ten years ago night before. Man returns to mule, turnip sack is on back of mule.

SOVIET HONESTY IS STRONG! EVEN DEATH NOT STOP REPAYMENT OF DEBTS! Noble Scientists in Glorious Motherland attempt to dig deepest hole ever in glorious Soviet Earth. After innumerable miles, drill begin to spin other way. Temperature readings are at a blistering 22 degrees celsius. Strange noises heard from hole. Scientists lower microphone into hole and listen.

After two hours of listening to American Pigs lament capitalist way of life, they shut off microphone. There was couple in Moscow who had just moved into old estate. When they moved in, they decide to drink wine cellar dry, but find large barrel of vodka. They tried moving it and even got comrades around to help, but they couldn't budge it. In the end, they decided to have housewarming party and give glasses of vodka out to empty the barrel and make it easier to move. A few days after party, they went into the cellar and tried to move barrel again. It still wouldn't move. Husband goes to get his saw in order to cut it into smaller pieces and in turns they cut off the top of the barrel. Inside was dead body and they had drank the vodka that had preserved it. Like true Russians who survived siege of Stalingrad, they eat body too. It was very tasty.

Such is life in Mother Russia.