Splitting vs. paying on dates

Just curious for those who are regularly going on dates and those in longer-term relationships, do you and your SO often go Dutch, or do they expect you to be paying? The dynamic has been different across each relationship for me (mostly dependent on the other person's job and how long we were dating for), and I'm curious to see what it's like for others. 

 

Buy her meal the first few dates. Once you’re “dating” I think it’s way more fair to split.

 

Of all the dates I have recently gone on, I don't think there has a been a single girl that had at least offered to split.  - So I think its alright if you split it early on and I honestly see it both ways.  My one friend said that she likes splitting, because then it doesn't feel like she owes them, another date or something else, which honestly all it takes is one weirdo to ruin dating for everyone.  

 

I’ve found the girls I tend to like more will offer to split it. I remember I went to Olive Garden back in college w this girl who wanted to go bc she loved it and they had a buy one take one home special going on. I had a thing w her roommate so it was funny but I remember the check came and she started doing literally anything other than discussing paying. I just paid it, but it was so obvious.

Another girl I had a thing with refused to let me pay for her stuff. We would just alternate, so if she got dinner, I’d pay for the drinks after. I also always stayed at her place - she was awesome, just not compatible w me.

Another girl would buy me food and stuff which was amazing but it was all from her dad’s credit card. She just didn’t care about the value of money which was a turnoff.

 
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If she doesn't offer to split I'll take it as rude, as she would come off as some entitled princess. The woman should offer to split, letting the guy the option to either accept or choose to pay for everything. It's actually an excellent test of one's personality - if she believes that she deserves to get free shit by merely existing, then it is very likely for her to have a gold digger mindset. Nobody respects simps.

 

I agree somewhat but also disagree. I think it's almost convention now that first date or atleast first two dates the man pays, so I think even if she doesn't offer, I don't really take it personal because it's kind of expected anyways. It's after two, if she still doesn't offer then you cut off but definitely on first date if she doesn't offer I genuinely don't think it's a huge deal, would it be better if she offered, yes, but still don't think it is that serious.

 

Makes total sense except I think you have to make an exception for the 1st date because it's just social convention. It might not be that she has a gold-digging mentality but just that she's just going along with the expected social norms 

By 2nd date it would be good to see her offer to split and if by 3rd date latest she hasn't offered then you know that's not a quality girl. As Jay Z says, on to the next

 

I agree with Sequoia here. Especially for the first date where you offer her dinner at fancy restaurant XYZ you should expect to pay. That offer implies you’re paying regardless of whether it’s a date or an old friend you’re catching up with. After a couple dates when you and the girl start planning places to go together the dynamic changes to a mutual outing and each individual person should pay for their part of the bill.

I will say though that if a guy keeps paying thay doesn’t mean that he’s a simp. If the girl has positive qualities such as a caring personality or nice and attractive the guy may find the value of the girl to exceed whatever the weekly dinner cost is, particularly if it’s not in a crazy expensive place like Michelin star restaurants.

Array
 

Went on a first date with a girl, she was the first to ever offer to pay the whole thing or at least split.

She’s my wife now.

“The three most harmful addictions are heroin, carbohydrates, and a monthly salary.” - Nassim Taleb
 
Controversial

Female here - I absolutely think women paying for drinks on dates is weird, especially first few times. It is really not about money but a sign of being cheap.

If it’s dinner, I will offer to split and I ask twice. Genuinely happy to split and I also insist if I know the guy does not make much money. General rule is whoever asks the other person out should be paying.

If a guy is taking me to dinner, I let him choose the place or give me a few options so he picks places he can afford. I get what I want if I know we are going to split, but if he says upfront that it is his treat (some guys make it very clear they want to pay) then just follow his lead on what to order and try not to get $100 wine. I prefer to split honestly.

If it is a relationship, I think it could go either way. I personally prefer that each pays one time instead of awkwardly splitting every time.

 

Analyst 3+ in IB - Cov

Female here - I absolutely think women paying for drinks on dates is weird, especially first few times. It is really not about money but a sign of being cheap.

If it's dinner, I will offer to split and I ask twice. Genuinely happy to split and I also insist if I know the guy does not make much money. General rule is whoever asks the other person out should be paying.

If a guy is taking me to dinner, I let him choose the place or give me a few options so he picks places he can afford. I get what I want if I know we are going to split, but if he says upfront that it is his treat (some guys make it very clear they want to pay) then just follow his lead on what to order and try not to get $100 wine. I prefer to split honestly.

If it is a relationship, I think it could go either way. I personally prefer that each pays one time instead of awkwardly splitting every time.

It goes both ways, you could argue that the female is cheap as well for not paying.

 

I must say I agree, the one who asks should expect to pay at least on the first date(s). This should be common sense and used to be part of normal modes of social etiquette, even if it's a meeting between non-romantic new friends or whatever. 

Also, I think it's important to let the one who invited (and therefore paying) choose the place exactly why you said, to be considerate. Where is the fucking consideration amongst our generation 

 

What's with all the MS on this answer?? This was a perfectly well thought out response from the most relevant opinion here (a girl's). Nearing the end of my rope with this site as it devolves into MGTOW bs...

 

Genuinely happy to split and I also insist if I know the guy does not make much money.

How tho? you smell that shit or what? like I'm not gonna come at you like IM POOR AS SHIT LADY on the first date

 

Yup, I find it HORRENDOUSLY AWKWARD to venmo my GF of multiple years for half of dinner. We eat out all the time. If she forgets to pay me, nbd, Im not going to make a deal out of it. We make an effort to split costs generally. Every couple is different. The idea of paying for all her food when we make the roughly the same amount seems silly to me. 

 

I went on a date with a lovely lady recently and I knew I made significantly more money than her. So I paid for dinner after she basically said that it was way to much for me to pay (~$100). We then decided to hit up a few bars and she said that if I didn't let her buy the next round, that I would be in "trouble" later that night.  

 

Guy 100% pays for it the first few dates, especially if he’s the one asking the girl out.

 

First date guy should just pay it, social norms and all make it difficult to say that the girl should offer. That said, don't go and grab an expensive dinner, just go to a decent bar and the expense won't be significant 

Ideally after the 1st date the girl offers to split (2nd date) but if she doesn't offer to split by the 3rd date then GTFO. Again on the 2nd date, don't go to dinner / anywhere expensive. Only time you want to do that is when you think there's something there (maybe 4+ dates in)

 

IMO, dinner is not bad if its a place that 1. you like or 2. you want to go and you can afford to take a date there.  I have never had good luck with coffee dates, they just never go my way, drinks seem to go well for me.  But also you should probably do some good vetting before a date - I have never had a really bad first date to the point where I feel I need to walk away from it.  

 

I don’t know about you guys but I’m a gen z who’s about to enter undergrad and I’ve always straight up asked the girls if they are ok with splitting before the first date and pretty much everyone says yes. The only few that weren’t ok were the ones that were older than me who were 23 or 24. I think the younger generation is different and some girls even find it straight up unattractive when a guy just keeps insisting on paying. I’ve never had to pay for a girl so far.

 

If you are in this line of work and you are seriously considering splitting... what are you doing this for? Have never done this.

 

This. Everyone here talks about “models and bottles” but somehow can’t understand that both models and bottles costs money. I am NOT saying to go after gold diggers who will play mental gymnastics and extract everything they can get after you. What I am saying is that if you want that “model” (whether that be in looks, personality or a combination of both) you’d have no problem paying for a few dinners and getting the girl nice shoes/clothes every now and again.   

Array
 

I'd bet vast majority of dates people are talking about in here are with average girls, who are probably lower quality than the guys in here. I would never think about offering to split if I'm taking out some exceptionally beautiful girl, i.e. solid 10. but most of the time, it's 6-7, and I am myself an 8-9. so I'm wondering why the fuck I am paying. if anything, shouldn't they pay for me?

 

The era of models & bottles in finance is pretty much over dude. At this point it's a meme. Gone are the 7-figure paydays for a above-average HF analyst. Now with inflation also wreaking carnage, I think there's a natural rationalization on spend. It's not crazy to expect that after the 2nd or 3rd date you have a more equitable relationship where the girl contributes her share

 

I'm a VP and in IB so I obviously do well financially and typically make multiples more than whomever I'm dating but it's not about the money, it's about the persons character. Regardless of "social convention" (guy pays for dates), if someone has an expectation that another person should pay for their things (dates, dinner, drinks, etc.) then they are a low quality person and not worth dating IMO. To each their own though.

 

If the woman is raised right, she offers to split, and if the man is raised right, he doesn’t let her.

Remember that a first date is the nicest they’ll ever be. All the manners, polite gestures, everything comes out, and if they start it with expectations then that tells you the person is needy

 

Sometimes, I get the bill. Sometimes, she does. Often depends on who has the better credit card points/rewards for the place we're at. If it's a restaurant then I probably do because she likes the Amex and I like the Chase, and we all know Amex sucks for dining. But if we're on vacation? Well, then why would I use my card when she can use hers and get more of a multiplier on it? And then there's the Amazon card, for buying shit from Whole Foods or off of Amazon.

Oh, we have joint bank accounts that we pay our CC bills out of, by the way.

 

I get us usually when we eat out and she picks up majority of the groceries for when we eat in. There's no need to have it 50/50 in long term relationships. For first dates, guys need to pay. If you're getting swindled out of meals, do better about picking your dates

 

Amazed by the sheer number of posts that scream cheap incels.

Although, I do think it’s important that she at least offers, PAY FOR YOUR FIRST COUPLE OF DATES. We’re not getting paid like a fucking representative at H&R Block.

Anything after that it will be based off your discretion and dynamic of relationship.

 

I think women should always offer to split the bill.  I think that it is fair from a modern perspective and I also think that it is in their best interests to contribute.  If they pay part of it, there is less pressure on them.  Some guys who are a-holes might think if the guy is paying, he should get able to get what he wants.   I totally get that if you ask a girl out, it kind of makes sense that if you made the offer, you should pay.  However, that is not fair because guys are usually the ones asking girls on dates

 

I totally agree with this. I would feel uncomfortable as a woman if a guy was paying for all the dates because it creates an economic imbalance in the relationship, and that can lead to him to expect certain things from me. For people that disagree with me, I would argue that relationships are always built on balance and equal contributions -- if one is contributing a disproportionate amount of time, money, attention, effort, etc. then it creates a very bad relationship dynamic.

 
clutchmuffin

I would argue that relationships are always built on balance and equal contributions -- if one is contributing a disproportionate amount of time, money, attention, effort, etc. then it creates a very bad relationship dynamic.

This and those categories don't have to all be equal as long as both parties feel the overall picture is equal.

 

I've been in a relationship for a little over 4 months now and I pay about 80% of the time. At first I was a bit jaded because we were both in college so neither of us was really making money, but we never went to or ate anywhere that was incredibly expensive, with the exception of formal (which I paid for since it was my formal). Now that I'm graduated and she's not, I definitely expect to be paying almost all the time. If we were both out of college I would probably expect us to contribute proportional to our earnings.

When we started dating, I paid for the first date, she paid for the second, and then I paid for the next few after that. I was happy with it. I normally pay for the first date and ask the girl to coffee or lunch, and rarely spend more than $30. I don't like dinner as a first date because it seems too high pressure and if we don't connect on the first date than we spent $50-$100+ for nothing.

 

I think most girls care more about romance and how committed a man is, and how much interest he shows over money, but splitting bills is tacky. If you don't have much money just plan other cute dates like rent paddle boards, play tennis, have a picnic on the beach, go ice skating, take turns picking new movies to watch and cook. Always offer to pick her up and plan random surprises and that should go further than money. It is about being a good listener. Spending money is so easy when you are rich, putting in real effort and taking initiative isn't as easy. 

But yea I've never ever heard of an attractive girl splitting a bill on a date, on the first or the 10th. If she does it is because she is a socialist or average looking. I have some pretty liberal, beautiful well-off girlfriends who would still never pay for anything, but in general liberal girls are way more open to this. 

This has nothing to do with money, it is about the principle. I would literally rather be with a poor guy from Brazil who works hard to provide and take care of his family, even if it means we travel in economy forever, over marrying a rich, handsome guy who wants to split a bill. I don't care if the bill is only $100, and he owns houses all over the world. I could only fall in love with a man who is totally head over heels crazy about me and also someone I respect. 

 

If we're in a truly equitable society, the girl should split everything in half just like the guy. And women should be draft-able. But gotta love how liberal women want all the benefits but in dates they also want the 'romance' -- which is judged objectively by there standards by which they hold everything else, would be 'misogynistic.' Basically it's having your cake and wanting to eat it too

 

Notice how they want diversity treatment only in cushy white collar roles but won’t ask the same for jobs like construction or other blue collar work. It’s always about reaping all the benefits without suffering any of the consequences.

Array
 

Yea its off topic but the the left are all hypocrites and sheep think. I have some best friends who vote for liberals, we just don't discuss politics and they respect my views. I've tried explaining how Newsom, Pelosi, former Governor Brown, and the infamous Getty family are all related by blood or marriage, and how hypocritical their policies are.. but it doesn't go anywhere. Not to mention LA and SF have the highest crime in the last 20+ years. 

  People don't even realize how dangerous the party is becoming. Mind-blowing that Sanders won the popular vote in so many states during the 2020 primaries, when in the 1980s he said that he was nostalgic for Cuban Revolution and how excited he was over Fidel.. He also backed Iran when they kidnapped Americans during the Iranian revolution because their revolution was partially inspired by Marxism. Sanders was researched by the FBI for terrorism. The founder of BLM says she feels honors to be compared to China's Mao.. who killed over 50 million people. 

The irony is that Sweden doesn't have a wealth tax, and the other Scandinavian countries have wealth taxes half of what it is in the U.S. If you are in the 1% in these countries, it is because you inherited it, incomes are taxed too high so there is a lack of social mobility. Leftists point to countries that they know nothing about and have never visited as a blueprint for their ideology. 

 

I found that it's very cultural. Personally more comfortable picking up the check on the 1st date because that's how I was raised but after I'd like her to offer to split.

I like independent women who's also not some uber-feminist. Sign of maturity if you can call it that.

 

To answer your question, I have a longtime girlfriend, and we split everything. Her money is my money, and my money is her money. I know her bank info, and she knows mine. We're at the point where money isn't even an issue with us. We don't argue over it, and we barely talk about it. However, if you're seriously vetting a woman to be your wife, then personally, I would pay 100%. BUT for a woman to get to that point, I've already sized her up, and she's gotten to the point where I can take her seriously enough to vet her for marriage. That means I'm not trying to hit on the first date, she's feminine, and has a traditional mindset; I've determined she has a good enough character where she's not going to use me for dinner, etc.

In past decades, people had to go out to dinner because sex before marriage was looked down on, and women could be shamed for being sluts if they didn't at least make a man take her out a few times. People always vetted for marriage and got married a lot younger. That type of mindset doesn't really apply anymore because most guys aren't vetting for marriage, they just want to get laid, and most women don't want to marry you, they know you just want to get laid, and you're making it easy for them to get free dinner.

If you're just talking about casually dating where you're just trying to get laid, then what I'm about to say may sound controversial to some people. Going out on a date isn't necessary at all. If you have to take a girl out to dinner hoping to get laid, then she doesn't want to fuck you bad enough. When a woman wants you, then dinner is just an obstacle. I've seen women WALK MILES for sex because the man she wanted to sleep with didn't have a car, but he hit it right. I've seen women fuck in parking lots, inside a garage, and in closets because they couldn't wait. I'm not talking about hookers or something; these were average girls that were just that turned on. The best sex comes without dinner or a date. Women are more sexual than men, and they hold the keys to the bedroom. If she wants it, she's not making you wait, not for you, but for her. If she feels like having sex is doing you a favor, then she's using you and/or checking herself out of the relationship.

Women are sexually liberated, so they don't feel shame jumping on the D like it's a first come, first serve buffet. These days the odds are high that she's using you and isn't that attracted to you if she's making you wait until after you take her out before you can hit it. Women are emotional, they get bored easily, and the most beautiful women are used to getting what they want when they want it. If they want you, then they're not waiting. If you insist on taking her out, then you might just mess it up and give her a reason to get turned off by talking your way out of a good time.

 

I don't agree with this whatsoever... I have girl friends who have super high sex dives and we talk about our sex lives and if a girl likes a guy she will wait. Actually the more she is interested, the longer she will wait because she wants to make sure he's actually boyfriend material and doesn't want to come off the wrong way. I don't have a set time or set number of dates I wait for, but if I ever feel too pressured within the first few dates, I start to think he is a player. In the beginning, make her think that hooking up is all her idea.

 

I've actually seen this before, but this is the exception. There are girls for some reason that want to make the guys that they really really like wait because they don't want them to think they're sluts. It's like they make the guys they really like jump through all these hoops to be with them, but the the guys they like half as much get to turn them inside out on the first night with barely any commitment. It's backwards female logic, and in my experience (just my experience I'm not the authority on male female dynamics by any means), girls like that end up getting bored with guys that are foolish enough to wait for something she has given away a bunch of times for nothing. Those are typically the "good" or "nice" guys. The "he'll make a great husband/father" but he doesn't "drive me crazy" type of guys.

Typically guys like that can't keep up with the high sex drive type of girls because if they both had that type of sex drive then they both would have figured it out sooner, and they wouldn't be waiting to sleep with each other. And if she has that high of a sex drive, and he really turned her on like that then that guy would be hitting it. And if a guy has been around the block, he would figure out this girl is making him wait for something she's obviously given out too many times and will ghost her because he isn't trying to feel like her bestie or wait for something everyone else had. Experienced men know when a girl is sexually experienced and is just playing games, game recognize game. It's the nice guy that's going to fall for that unless she genuinely is a "good" girl, and those type of women are usually in a marriage or long-term relationship with a low body count.

There's a difference between attraction and lust. I said in my post that most guys aren't taking girls out to vet them for marriage or relationships. They think that by taking them out a woman will reward them with sex. That's just lust, and doing relationship type of stuff for lust isn't necessary. Most women aren't really out here vetting for marriage and relationships either, they just want a free dinner and the guys they're really lusting after are sleeping with them for nothing. There are some girls that do want a relationship though and those are the girls that might make a man wait for something they've given out freely to people they didn't value as much. These days it's rare to find a girl with a high sex drive, low body count, and that's committed to one person in a marriage or long-term relationship. We probably wouldn't know about them either, only their husband/boyfriend would know. That guy is a lucky guy I might add.

 

Instead of drinks / dinner / coffee, I usually ask to meet me in a public spot and eat caramels. Cause it's just as arbitrary as drinking coffee / alcohol or eating food. Pretty cheap too so I'll pay for them myself, no questions asked.

Then I'll go to work the next day at MIT where I'm a janitor. It's weird though because I see these highly advanced mathematical theorems on blackboards and I can solve them. Also my best friend is Ben Affleck. 

 

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