Would you get back with an ex if they had sex with people after you broke up?
Title says it all really. But if your interested in my relationship story and reason for asking the question read below. Open to advice.
I'm in a situation like this now where I still love this girl and she still loves me. Easily the most fulfilling and deepest relationship I have ever had. She has said the same. Could marry this girl in a heartbeat and would have if I was out of college when I met her (met her at the end of college when she had already graduated a few years before). We had to breakup awhile back for mostly location/long distance based reasons. Once those reasons are sorted out (in the next couple months) and are no longer a problem I would definitely like to get back together. She would too. The problem is that I have some nagging thought in my mind that since she slept with other people after we broke up the relationship is dead. I cant shake it and I have always been this way. With other chicks I would just say goodluck and not give a shit but this relationship was so great that I am considering going against my gut feeling.
I obviously haven't confirmed if she has slept with anybody else because I don't wanna ask that question and I definitely dont want to know the answer. But I am assuming in the time between us breaking up and us getting back together there has been or will be at least one dude.
This bothers me despite the fact that I know she didn't care about whoever this random dude was AND knowing I have fucked around with other girls and will continue too over the next couple of months. Huge double standard I know. Am I wrong and immature for thinking this way? I am aware this a form of jealousy and possibly comes from some insecurity but is it a normal and healthy jealousy/anxiety? I mean who the fuck wants their girlfriend having fucked people in between you guys saying "I love you". Only reason I am even considering this is because I truly believe the chick is marriage material.
EDIT:
Wanted to throw out there I'm not the one throwing MS at any of these comments. I appreciate everybody reading what I was going through and giving their advice no matter what side they are coming from. This thread was super helpful.
If you get back with her, know that she has all of the leverage in the relationship.
Hit it and quit it so you can at least nut in the meantime.
Could you elaborate on how she has all the leverage. I'm assuming you mean because it bothers me so I'm gonna have it hanging over my head while she doesn't give a shit about me fucking other chicks? Or am I wrong
I mean that she knows she has options if things don't work out between you two/or things aren't going well. And like you said, she knows it bothers you and she can hold you to it when things become rocky in the relationship, etc.
Lord Pizz has spoken, so let it be done.
this
I wouldn’t. If I’m working on myself and improving and not hooking up with people why would I want to get back with someone who hasn’t. Just personal though
I agree. If the relationship means something to both parties and it didnt end hostile then why jump back into the dating market on both ends. My favorite part about being single is focusing on new hobbies and doing new stuff.
I typically don't go backwards, it rarely ever ends up good. Pizz is right, the only power you have over these women is the power to walk away. If she knows you're going to keep coming back then you're a joke to her. However, breaking up because of long distance reasons isn't the worst reason to break up. You two were just at a point in your lives where you weren't compatible, unless there's more.
Unfortunately, you're not gonna wanna hear this, but if it's bothering you this much then I think you have a feeling that she probably did sleep with other people. Our instincts are usually spot on. You gotta remember women get dick thrown at them all day every day, and I go by the rule that a woman is always either sleeping with someone, dating someone, or talking to someone (usually multiple people). Also, they already have your replacement by the time you break up with them.
What she did with other people while she wasn't with you is none of your business just like who you slept with is none of hers. You're also being a little selfish because all this stuff is pretty much irrelevant to your new relationship. If you're going in a relationship with all these insecurities and baggage then you're doomed to fail before you even start. Not to be too vulgar, but if she's giving you head are you gonna sit there and think, "You never did this before. Where did you learn how to do this? Do you do this for every guy?" Every woman has a past just like you.
You're either going to have to suck it up and focus on your new relationship with her and see if you can build a genuine bond or leave her. You'll have to find a way to deal with these emotions because if it's eating you up now then it will only get worse, especially after the first time you have a fight. But you don't even sound like you're in the right space to start a new relationship, figure out where this is coming from.
Thats a really fair point. Before we broke up when things got shitty we were both open to starting the relationship again sometime in the future when logistics made more sense. I insisted on only getting back together if we hadn't fucked around and she said she wanted to even if we did fuck around because it meant so much. After typing that I kind of feel like a moron but hey thats what love does right.
Again fair point. I generally don't date unless I think the girl could be the one for the long haul or at least has the potential to be a multi-year partner. So I guess the insecurity comes more from the fact that I don't want to have to think about the potential mother of my children having fucked around while we were on hiatus. So its not the fact that shes had past partners because what hot girl hasnt by the time they are in their mid to late 20s. Its just the inbetween that bothers me.
Yeah to be completely honest I was sleep deprived and having a pretty weak day in general. It made a lot of these thoughts resurface when I hadn't been thinking of them much lately. Up until today I was completely okay with moving on in my life.
She basically just told you she did right there. You gotta read between the lines. She doesn't want to feel like a bad person for doing it so she's saying it's ok. If she didn't sleep with anyone then she would have just said ok.
Yes almost 100% there have been other penises in the interim
cant make the decision for you but personally I wouldn’t. Guys fuck around because our biology dictates we spread our seed maximally, for a girl to have done in during your break means the emotional bond probably wasn’t strong enough to not
best of luck bro
Dude she just told you she's been dicked down by other dudes without saying it quite so explicitly. Her pair bond with you is pretty screwed over, gtfo and move on to the next
100% based
Time for you to bang 10 girls in the next two weeks so you have the upper hand.. assuming she didn’t go on a tinder spree herself. Praying for you lol
I would never get back with an ex, period.
They're called an ex for a reason.
What's the point of even writing a post this stupid?
I mean it’s less about my story in particular and just the question in general. I have friends that this type of thing bothers and other friends that could give a shit if there girl had a train run on them the week before they started dating when they weren’t “exclusive”.
How in the world is a girl getting run train on by a bunch of dudes not a flaming red flag? Honestly feels like I've stumbled into opposite land. I do not think those friends who have GFs who've been with multiple dudes at once or 50+ dudes (whichever you meant) will end up very happy in 10+yrs (if that relationship even lasts that long)
The truth is, all we see with people is the moment. You have no idea what 10+yrs will look like, which is why you need to choose a partner with good values. I also like how some posters are like "oh she has a past like you." Dude, 'having a past' with 5 guys and 'having a past' with 50 guys are two VERY different things. Distinguish between the two or disregard at your own peril, I personally stick to single-digits (9 max) in your 20s. Maybe that stretches a bit in your 30s but just use your best judgement
Outside of some degenerate like Ozymandia who self-admittedly lets his wife swing, doubt anyone on this forum actively seeks a woman who's lost the ability to truly emotionally connect with you and values the relationship deeply
Time to hit the gym bro, she did not stay loyal to you and these weights aren't going to move themselves.
i'd make it a mandate and i want video
Yo haven't seen you around in a while and saw some posts a long while back asking if anyone had heard from you.
Glad you're around and posting!
A college relationship ending because of long distance, you convinced that she has fucked around with no confirmation, you have fucked around and plan to continue fucking around, you truly believing this 'chick' is marriage material but are unable to get past the unconfirmed idea that she may have been with someone else while you were broken up. A tale as old as time. An immaturity starter pack. Confirmation that you're 21-23 years old.
I'm sorry to be flippant and you should listen to the pussy-crushing experts on woman psychology if you want to feel validated but my contrarian take is that you're far too immature and inexperienced to make the circumstances of this relationship work. I'll step off my high horse and commend you on your self-reflection about your feelings. To be clear, I also was an insecure/jealous/anxious partner when I was younger and it ruined a relationship where I was convinced this person was "marriage material" (as if I had any fucking idea what that meant at the time). You'll be fine...
I appreciate you being blunt. You and the rest of the commenters have opened my eyes a bit to how I'm worrying about shit I can't change and that ultimately doesn't really matter. I definitely am aware that this comes from immaturity.
It sucks that being aware that the feeling does stem from immaturity doesn't kill that gut feeling immediately. I've thought about that before. Its kinda like presenting in front of a large group. Knowing half the people won't give a shit and the other half will barely listen doesn't change the fact you will inevitably get nervous and tense before presenting the first slide.
Brother trust me, I wasn't lying when I said I acted and felt the exact same way... just because it's not right doesn't mean it's not natural.
Unfortunately it took getting broken up with because of that behavior (and a few years of maturing) to really kick that shit, so I'm in no position to judge. Just want to share and echo the perspective that seems to be coming from a lot of the non-high school kids. "You'll be fine" should be the headline
21-23 isn’t really that young. There are many who marry right after college in more conservative circles or even right after high school and many of them do make it work (know some older folk who have been married 70+ years who met in high school). I also knew growing up a few single moms who were around that age and made it work (where I’m assuming raising a child is more difficult then handling a relationship).
You need to be more mature about this if you really believe she is someone you could marry given the opportunity. As long as you guys were not together and you weren’t sitting around by yourself either under some high school esque agreement, you have to look at the big picture. If she didn’t mess around with one of your friends or someone she knows would really be an issue for you, then she didn’t break the rules or disrespect you in my opinion. All this upper hand shit is only if you guys didn’t respect each other previously. I don’t see this as some taking her back story based on what you said it’s more like a rekindling of something that was good.
there is a reason people meet up 20 years later or 10 years after high school or college and then hit it off again, because that chemistry is real. They pick up where they left off.
while not for me at all, there are people who bang each other in a medium size friends group but then two of them decide it’s worth it enough to be together even though they know each other’s history. It’s part of being an adult and not being in some non westernized society.
incels on the site want virgins and all this other instagram “she ain’t worth it king” bullshit, try to think on a more mature level. You will one day be 40, 50 - will you be wondering if some chick you date or engaged to hooked up with people in college?
My wife is a beautiful woman, no doubt she had many suitors, some with family wealth well beyond my sorry ass carry calculations. She didn’t settle down with them and felt most of them were ultimately immature; she did settle down with me as we just clicked. She had her boyfriends and Lord knows I had my girlfriends in the past. All that is irrelevant.
TLDR : If the relationship was good before and no funny business or disrespect/games, prob worth pursuing it as mature adults.
When you are sitting in divorce courts doling out the wealth you’ve earned or later down the road find out your wife is banging the pool boy, then yes at that time you will realize that you should have thought about your wife’s past.
https://ifstudies.org/blog/counterintuitive-trends-in-the-link-between-…
The correlation between premarital-sex partners and 5 year divorce rate is very strong with the marriages where the women is a virgin being 5%, and the next highest at 20+%. Girls who have banged a ton of guys sit at 33+%.
When you consider that the study did not adjust for financial resources, a major cause of breakups which is negatively correlated with religiosity (and hence negatively correlated with pre-marital sex partners), if you a man with a stable income married a virgin the chance of divorce falls even further relative to the other categories.
While some of this can be attributed to religiosity, the fact is that the first time someone kisses or haves sex with someone it creates an intimate, passionate emotional and physical bond that can never be replicated with a future partner (which is why people talk about “first kiss” or “first sex” all the time). From there the bond diminishes. Yes, you can enjoy sex and intimacy with future partners but it will never be like the first one, with the intensity and strength to keep relationships together (and I believe it was created to be this way).
This isn’t the ranting of “incels” as you think, there’s science here that isn’t popular that people do not want to acknowledge.
Your connection nonsense sounds like some teenage passion for purity bullshit. Most people don’t even know what they are doing or have a real understanding of what they want until they are late 20s at best.
There are tons of issues wrong with that analysis that I won’t waste my time getting into. People with money, education, social mobility and options (and not from weirdo Bible Belt parts of the country) will use their mobility if they feel the relationship is no longer good. Shocking. Women that only know one partner, likely need financial support, are super religious, have less social mobility, probably less educated and are afraid of others views will stay put.
Everyone knows the divorce rate for marriages is high, and the divorce rate for those divorced at least once is even higher. That is not what we are talking about here.
Your blog post is backing into an answer based on much too simple of criteria.
Go do a study in India or the Middle East, that will make you feel even better about your conclusion.
Here’s a tip for you also - just because a marriage “lasts” doesn’t make it successful either. There are many miserable ass people who didn’t divorce due to the lack of mobility, money, self esteem, religion etc. go peep some other cultures and it’s off the charts bad.
You had the chance to propose before all of this and you blew it. Time to move on.
If she did indeed do the deed, you must withhold your seed.
Hell no dude, she clearly didn't value the bond with you enough to not. Why in the world would you get back with her? Kick this girl to the curb and move on
Yes, you’re wrong to feel this way. You were broken up, and so she was as entitled to live her life as you were. She had no obligations to you while she was single and vice versa. If you can’t get over it, don’t get back together with her until you can. Otherwise, this will 100% become a problem between you two, and it would be unfair for her to have to deal with your own insecurities.
Reading these comments have made me feel like I'm crazy... They broke up. Both of them have every right to sleep with other people. Would you completely hold off on seeing other people on the off chance that you might get back together in the future? Hell no lol. OP said it himself: "I have fucked around with other girls and will continue too over the next couple of months."
Props for your self awareness OP, but you're right that it's a huge double standard (partly rooted in our culture's misogyny) and it comes from insecurity. It doesn't matter if she slept with other people -- you were not on a hiatus, you were broken up. That means you have no say in what she chooses to do. In my opinion, I don't think you're ready to potentially get back together until you can let go of that idea (either through therapy, self-reflection, or just after time/getting life experiences). It'll constantly be an issue and will torpedo your relationship.
As for the people approaching relationships as a zero-sum game (i.e. "she has all the leverage"), if you're thinking that way you've already lost. People worth marrying aren't sticking around for your toxic games.
Also, this type of jealousy is completely normal and virtually everyone would feel it. But the more logical side of you has to win out.
He said in a comment later on that she may have wanted to get back together with him but only if sex in between was ok and he said he did not like that. The relationship wasn’t exactly formally ended in the way you think.
And even if it is was, the fact she was banging someone else so quickly (and OP as well) is a huge red flag.
You know when people talk about pump and dumps? Exhibit A with this girl
Forget this chick, pleeeenty of fish in the sea where you can start fresh
No dude, clearly she boned other dudes. Is there a double standard? yes, but that's for a biologically feasible reason -- a girl who sleeps around excessively literally has dulled her ability to bond with a mate LT. This is just fact even if some white knight wants to argue against it. Guys have an imperative to have as many children w/ as many mates so for us sleeping around -- while not great emotionally -- is still far, far better from an emotional sense
If you want to FWB this girl, go for it dude. Just don't think of her as LT relationship material, if you feel this way then it's for a reason. Personally wouldn't ignore your instincts as some posters here are saying
absolutely wild that you've managed to extract that from sparse details shared.
real and true
Don't look back man, I've gotten back together with an ex once and it just never ends well, especially if she's the type to sleep around which your comments above suggest. Nice for a little while and then you're back where you started, having wasted another 6 months of your life w/ a girl who doesn't care as much for you as you do for her
Back up, who said the chick has boned tons of dudes? Lol I missed that edit
If you don't mind me asking did you have a highish/more than 6-7 body count when you met your wife? And has it ever bothered her that you weren't a virgin while she was?
Also, while a virgin is ideal in most guys minds, I feel like the introduction of Tinder and other dating apps along with the increase in cultural acceptance of promiscuity has made all hot girls under 25 fuck around a lot more than they did in the pre-2000s. I have yet to meet a hot girl that has a body count lower than 3-4 by the time they turn 21 unless they dated one guy for 4+ years out of their hometown. Almost all of them have body counts closer to 10 or 15. A hot virgin with good character and values is an utter unicorn that I have yet to meet. Props to you for meeting one but I think the flavor of the times has made them extinct (excluding extremely religious hot girls which I'm not opposed to but are also becoming extinct)
50% more likely? It’s actually comfortably over 400% more likely and this doesn’t even adjust for factors such as finances which would negatively impact the religious and hence negative impact those who are more likely to be virgins. This is also a 5 year divorce rate. I would imagine the delta skews even worse on a broader horizon.
The idea you have to have sexual “experience” to have a fulfilling marriage is wrong and backwards to what the data shows.
https://ifstudies.org/blog/counterintuitive-trends-in-the-link-between-…
Yo is this her? She’s up to 156 now…
Lmao that is absurd. Especially "gas station".
On a more serious note though, and I'd be curious what you think given that you seem to be a worldly guy, do you think this type of girl is becoming more common? Even though most girls will never be on the level of this tik tok chick, I still feel Tinder and the sex positive movement have made girls okay with fucking everything and everybody they want. There seems to be just about nothing holding them back and if anything a push for them to embrace sex.
I think girls with 100+ body counts at age 35+ is somewhat common in large cities. 100+ body count at age 25 is crazy.
I generally find high body counts repulsive and it makes me nervous for fear of an STD. Some girls have STDs and spread them without even knowing they have an STD.
Also, mentally I think it is dangerous for the girl’s mental well being to just recklessly plow through guys. It could be a sign of unresolved issues.
Most of my past girlfriends were not ‘easy’ to get and generally had low body counts.
More like the entire friend group ran through her lol
46-50 —- 5 people in one night - guaranteed this girl is batshit crazy
Where would one find someone like her ?
My take is that it's over - be glad and thankful that it happened between you two, but I would not go back to her. I was in almost exactly the same position as you when I graduated college, and have written about my experiences extensively on here previously - browse through my post history if you want to see a couple walls of text I've written on this subject.
In summary, we met in my last year of college, dated until I graduated, and we broke up since she had another year left. I was still head-over-heels in love with her though - I'm talking completely obsessed. I hung on to the relationship hoping to get back together, and she spent the full last year of college with a massive loser FWB. We got back together after she graduated, and spent approximately another ~year and change together, and broke up for good last year.
I pulled a lot of the same mental gymnastics you seem to be going through to try to justify hanging on:
My ex also strung me along hard - "I really want to be with you, I think you're the best, I want to get back together once I graduate because I love you", etc. We ultimately got back together after she graduated, and for a time, I was really happy - I think I was mostly just relieved to have her attention and not have to deal with the stress and anxiety of wondering what sort of feelings she had for her FWB that she wasn't telling me about.
Over the next ~year, however, I realized that I would never look at her the same way as I did when we were dating in college, even though she seemed fully into it. I had too much lingering resentment toward her over the whole thing, and was constantly dealing with the internal questions of "Can't I do better than this? Don't I deserve a relationship with a girl that wasn't spending half the time I knew her (after we started dating!!) banging other dudes?" I think that if you break up and have partners in the interim, you'll never really recapture the chemistry of the first time you were together.
You lost respect for her because she was boning someone that was clearly a loser on a regular basis. How do you know that was the case here?
I don't. It's not like you can really isolate for every variable and figure out "well I think her ho score would have been 45% lower if she were banging 3 randos per year vs one loser guy, clearly we can figure out the conversion ratio and my ho tolerance threshold". I can only draw on my experiences and extrapolate them to other situations.
To be honest, in hindsight I still feel like from a relationship viability perspective, I actually preferred that she was with one guy who, frankly, I was 100% confident I was a total upgrade from. If she were hooking up with a new guy every week, I'd have no choice but to conclude that she belongs to the streets.
In any case, my real takeaway is that if it were meant to be, and both people really loved each other, they would have tried to make it temporarily work long distance as a stopgap before they could get together after graduation. A year isn't that long, and if you are each saying "I love you but I want to be able to bang lots of randoms while we're apart", I think that says enough about how much each person respectively values the relationship.
This is my Neanderthal take. Sorry not sorry.
What you want is to assess the type of guy she might have slept with.
If she genuinely thought you were over and started some sort of relationship with a quality guy that didn't pan out, i would give it a shot.
If she was just dicked around by random hot guys from apps / chads, she is for the streets and move on.
You don't want to be the "serious guy" coming after all these hot dumb dicks, or even worse, some ""top tier"" guy that was just spinning women (famous sportsguy, rapper or whatnot) that has marked her for life then dumped her, you'll never be able to compete.
And no, your double standards are not "anormal", men and women don't value the same things.
definitely not. if you do not feel right, it must 99% wrong in relationship.
Where’s the guy that wrote the “flip-a-coin” forum at when we need him?
To answer your question first, no I wouldn’t care that she slept w someone while she want attached to me.
But I do question this idea that two people who are supposedly in love with eachother “had to break up for distance reasons.”. I dunno about that one. You’re pretty clear that you love the girl so I get that, but if she’s really THE one i wouldn’t see myself breaking it off for a basic reason like that one. Just something to double check, good luck!
Some of these comments are so ridiculous
This is simple. Assuming you think there’s a future and potential marriage and you get along great (and she shares same feelings), go for it — it’s a privilege to be in such a relationship. This is a non issue in the scheme of a relationship - despite your emotions.
To be get it to work you’ll need to get work through these feelings. Talk to a psych, talk to her, or just get over it if you can.
Elaborate on marriage material.
For me, an important aspect when I say someone is marriage material is also how "accessible" the woman is to other guys. If she is quite cold with other guys but remains fully dedicated and open to only one guy with whom she tries to build a relationship, then sure, she may be a good one. Example: If during those months or years she was with one or two guys (depending if it's months or years) then I could accept it because I would understand that she was trying to build with them what she was also trying to build with me. If she wants to get back with me after such a pause, I would like to assume that she needed to settle with other guys only because I was missing. On the contrary, if you feel she is the "enjoy your 20s type" then pass it. You're the only one which can determine which is her type between those two.
But in my opinion, I would find someone else. Even if she tells you how many guys she slept with during those months you can't never 100% believe a women's body county. Why would you want to carry this doubt in the following years? I was seeing a girl which told me in the first months of her body count. Not good, but acceptable. After some months, once she gained more confidence in me, another number was given and after some other months, another number (from 3 to 5, not much tbh considering she was also 24 at the moment) but the lack of sincerity on this topic is something which I didn't like so I ended it. So, the lesson which I learned is that no matter how sincere the girl is about her body count, why would you want to carry her answer and question it in your mind? Better to find someone new and don't even bring up this topic because you could easily convince yourself that no matter what she did before meeting you was only because she didn't meet you; now that you're together, it's where she really will show you if you're important to her.
But if she already knew you and despite that, after ending, she got with other guys I wouldn't take it as a good sign. If things between you wouldn't work out (go back to her or her coming at you) I would think that she may be able to have a fulfilling life with some other guy. If you were so important to her, she wouldn't get with others and would wait or try to make it with you (I have a girl which is 100% into me and in the past 4 years she didn't meet other guys because she hopes I will ask her for something serious - which I won't; not to flex, just to show what it means when someone is 100% into you).
Modern degenerate/hedonistic society has ruined a significant portion of western women. Contrary to current cuck consensus, women aren't designed to sleep with many partners. It ruins them mentally, spiritually, and in every other way possible. In part, this can clearly be shown via the incredibly high percentage of women taking anti-depressants compared to past years, the amount of avg women casually doing porn on OF, as well as divorce figures, broken homes, yadda yadda yadda.
Having dated both sides of the coin (the virgin vs the 30 body count), the difference is night and day. The former being extremely loyal, enthused, and sincere - the latter being disingenuous, entitled, and hard to deal with. Being with a girl that is easy to get along with and doesn't make you second guess who she's out with, what "mistakes" she might make while drunk, or who she's dm'ing on instagram is worth its weight in gold. Marriage is not something that should be taken lightly. You're placing another person above yourself and also staking the success of your future on said person. When you choose a partner, you need to be certain about their motives, trustworthiness, loyalty, and character. Your breakup wasn't a mistake, and distance isn't a great excuse. When a girl is certain about you, she isn't going to hem and haw about wanting to make things official. While she's sleeping around, she's testing her market value and actively attempting to replace you. If all else fails, she will go back to you (her safety net), and feed into your naively that this was the plan from the start. If you want proof of this, ask yourself, if you were someone like Bradley Cooper, do you think she would willingly give you up to later reconvene a-la serendipity? Or do you think she'd do everything in her power to hold onto you as she knows that it's unlikely she can do better?
The reality of the situation, is that you found a girl that fell victim to hookup culture and basic hypergamy. You're currently the backup plan and don't seem to recognize it. As someone above stated - you lost all leverage and a future relationship will be miserable. Hit the gym, improve your finances, go out with friends, lead a fulfilling life, and stop worrying about the past. It was a good memory, and should stay that way.
well how hot is she?
Dude, the amount of comments here that are obsessing about “hitting it and quitting it”, power dynamics and having the “upper hand”, is ridiculous. Please remember what forum you posted this on and take all comments with a grain of salt.
Sexuality is very similar for men and women, both desire, drive, and experience in that the last 50 years of research has found, contrary to what the apes in the room are telling you, sexual desire and arousal are much broader and more nuanced than “dudes fuck because biology”, “girls who fuck don’t care”.
You broke up. Neither of you have the right to control someone or behave as if you were entitled to a specific type of behaviour from them once you have mutually ended the relationship.
I had a very similar situation with an ex - who ended things unilaterally and then couldn’t forgive me for seeing others before we got back together, while he had. It was the height of hypocrisy and I broke up with him permanently because of the huge lack of respect his attitude resulted in. Just because a woman loves you doesn’t mean she owes you her celibacy when you’re no longer together. There is every likelihood that she enjoyed sex with other men and, if she is a mature, stable, and sensible young woman, she will have done so. How immature would it be for her to “wait for you”, without any commitment from your side ? Women like that get called desperate and yet women who take a breakup like adults are getting trashed here in the comments. You claim you are uncomfortable with getting back together with her without knowing she is, essentially, pure and has waited for you, despite you not waiting for her. Woah, major double standard.
This is a deeply hypocritical reaction as you’ve already identified and is often based out of very common, misogynistic paradigms, where the woman has value based pretty much foundationally on her “purity” and “devotion” to her “man”, even when he is no longer her man and he hasn’t done anything to deserve either of those from her.
To clarify before people get up in arms, I’m not saying you are a misogynist. I’m saying that thought pattern is. You are not responsible for your first thoughts, or for your emotional reaction. Some programming runs real deep. But you are going to be responsible for how you react to those emotions and on what thoughts you choose to follow/develop/express.
If you really love this girl, I would challenge you to assess what it is about this that is upsetting you. Where does this attitude about sex being meaningful for women and casual for men come from? Is it really about sex? Or is it the reality that she has other options that bothers you ? Because with or without her having sex she has options. Her having sex with others is just unavoidable proof of that fact. You have fooled around with others yourself - does she feel the same insecurity about you perhaps ? Are you afraid she will leave you or that you won’t measure up and she’ll compare you to interim lovers? Are you interpreting this as a sign she loves you less than you thought ?
She may be thinking and fearing the same things about you!
All this to say, you’ve got a lot of thinking and self-reflecting to do to determine what’s driving these insecurities before you jump in to any relationship, let alone this one.
She sounds like a lovely girl based on what you described. You sound like a thoughtful guy. You both deserve to be valued and loved for who you are - not who you have or have not slept with. Think about it then discuss with a trusted friend or even a therapist (not WSO!!), find someone mature whose insight you trust and who may help you connect the dots to your gut and the thoughts you’re having.
You’ll figure it out and no matter what call you’ll make you will learn.
I will say though, that it sounds like your ego is getting in the way of a great thing. Make sure that if you walk away, you are absolutely certain she won’t be the one who got away. Always better to find out and know for sure than spend your life wondering “what if”.
Good luck!
Dude, the amount of comments here that are obsessing about “hitting it and quitting it”, power dynamics and having the “upper hand”, is ridiculous. Please remember what forum you posted this on and take all comments with a grain of salt.
Sexuality is very similar for men and women, both desire, drive, and experience in that the last 50 years of research has found, contrary to what the apes in the room are telling you, sexual desire and arousal are much broader and more nuanced than “dudes fuck because biology”, “girls who fuck don’t care”.
You broke up. Neither of you have the right to control someone or behave as if you were entitled to a specific type of behaviour from them once you have mutually ended the relationship.
I had a very similar situation with an ex - who ended things unilaterally and then couldn’t forgive me for seeing others before we got back together, while he had. It was the height of hypocrisy and I broke up with him permanently because of the huge lack of respect his attitude resulted in. Just because a woman loves you doesn’t mean she owes you her celibacy when you’re no longer together. There is every likelihood that she enjoyed sex with other men and, if she is a mature, stable, and sensible young woman, she will have done so. How immature would it be for her to “wait for you”, without any commitment from your side ? Women like that get called desperate and yet women who take a breakup like adults are getting trashed here in the comments. You claim you are uncomfortable with getting back together with her without knowing she is, essentially, pure and has waited for you, despite you not waiting for her. Woah, major double standard.
This is a deeply hypocritical reaction as you’ve already identified and is often based out of very common, misogynistic paradigms, where the woman has value based pretty much foundationally on her “purity” and “devotion” to her “man”, even when he is no longer her man and he hasn’t done anything to deserve either of those from her.
To clarify before people get up in arms, I’m not saying you are a misogynist. I’m saying that thought pattern is. You are not responsible for your first thoughts, or for your emotional reaction. Some programming runs real deep. But you are going to be responsible for how you react to those emotions and on what thoughts you choose to follow/develop/express.
If you really love this girl, I would challenge you to assess what it is about this that is upsetting you. Where does this attitude about sex being meaningful for women and casual for men come from? Is it really about sex? Or is it the reality that she has other options that bothers you ? Because with or without her having sex she has options. Her having sex with others is just unavoidable proof of that fact. You have fooled around with others yourself - does she feel the same insecurity about you perhaps ? Are you afraid she will leave you or that you won’t measure up and she’ll compare you to interim lovers? Are you interpreting this as a sign she loves you less than you thought ?
She may be thinking and fearing the same things about you!
All this to say, you’ve got a lot of thinking and self-reflecting to do to determine what’s driving these insecurities before you jump in to any relationship, let alone this one.
She sounds like a lovely girl based on what you described. You sound like a thoughtful guy. You both deserve to be valued and loved for who you are - not who you have or have not slept with. Think about it then discuss with a trusted friend or even a therapist (not WSO!!), find someone mature whose insight you trust and who may help you connect the dots to your gut and the thoughts you’re having.
You’ll figure it out and no matter what call you’ll make you will learn.
I will say though, that it sounds like your ego is getting in the way of a great thing. Make sure that if you walk away, you are absolutely certain she won’t be the one who got away. Always better to find out and know for sure than spend your life wondering “what if”.
Good luck!
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