Asking Out Chicks in the Office- Yay or Nay

VaRty Time's picture
VaRty Time - Certified Professional
Rank: Baboon | banana points 164

Back story: I am in my young 20s. Been at the bank I am at now for 7-8 months. New consultant joined 2-3 weeks ago and is a dime. One year younger than me and sits on a different floor but some of my team work indirectly with her, and we know each other from hanging out after work a few times.

Whats the game plan here? Feel like I can't straight up ask her on a date as if she says no, my team will never let me live it down and just awkward confrontations going forward. Maybe ask her for coffee? I don't see her often or really at all at work, so what do you guys think of asking over Lync/IM? Creepy, pathetic, or normal? ... Feel like Im overthinking it but would appreciate personal stories or tips here in general for handling office crushes.

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Comments (76)

Aug 17, 2016

Is there any indications that your attraction is reciprocated?

I suggest that a person with a reasonable amount of empathy would, first and foremost, be concerned that, if the lady is not interested, you've made her feel awkward, under pressure and possibly very uncomfortable in a workplace where she is a recent newcomer and has no sense of the power structures.

But...

VaRty Time:

Feel like I can't straight up ask her on a date as if she says no, my team will never let me live it down and just awkward confrontations going forward.

If your ego fragility is your largest concern, then I strongly suggest you don't try anything with her (unless you get clear signs of reciprocated interest).

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Aug 17, 2016

Ehh no clear signs but then again it was never "just us" when we hanged out. Also, yes I am concerned that she is comfortable but seeing as we rarely see each other @ work, and always in a big group when out, I don't think it would be a big deal.

Aug 22, 2016

that's not just ego fragility... it makes work uncomfortable for everyone. rejection is rejection, but this is more than that.

Aug 27, 2016

Neg. Alpha move is just straight ask (I'd go coffee first). If she says no, you move on, no big deal. I'm not going out on a limb assuming a women in banking can handle working with someone they've turned down.

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Aug 18, 2016

Sometimes big groups are best places to pull some hidden moves, especially if you're not the "main guy" in these big groups. When no one is paying attention, sit next to her, or maybe ask her first for what drink she likes, then ask other afterwards (make her feel important). Just do little things that most people wouldn't notice unless they really paid attention, trust me on this, while the rest aren't paying attention, she definitely will be.

It's up to you to interpret her response from these little things and decide whether to move or not

Absolute truths don't exist... celebrated opinions do.

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Best Response
Aug 18, 2016

Run a DCF to calculate the PV of future insults.

On a serious note, if you don't know how to pick up social clues from women, ask anyone but WSO.

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Aug 18, 2016

I'm currently dating a girl I work with. She hit on me at a work function. I have been with her for nearly two years now.

I think the key is, you need to get drunk before trying! No one cares when you drunk. But you will be a fool if you not drunk!

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Aug 18, 2016

I have weak kill game though. Can never close the deal. Choke under pressure. So will heed your advice

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Aug 18, 2016

Learn game. Read an attraction book or something - it's all about confidence and mind set.

Aug 22, 2016

Looked at some attraction books and it gave me confidence at how dumb those are. God bless you if you spend >$15 on an how-to-talk-to-girls book

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Aug 26, 2016

well, have fun keeping your dick dry.

read the attraction code.

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Aug 18, 2016

be VERY careful about what you do on IM, everything's monitored. imagine her printing out your conversations and sending it to your supervisor, don't write anything you wouldn't want him/her seeing.

if your office doesn't do happy hours, take the initiative and organize one yourself, this is a great excuse to asking her to come. if she comes and you have good chemistry, you'll know. next day, talk to her casually but don't make a big deal about it. you'll know if she's into it. maybe do another happy hour or invite her out to lunch (again, in a group setting), just to be sure you're not reading her wrong. guys often misread hot girls being nice as hot girls being interested.

if you have good rapport, maybe invite her to a pregame you & your friends are having. if she comes, you're looking good. you know what happens after this.

godspeed

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Aug 28, 2016

What's up bro? I've been off of here for a while-busy as fuck. And I may have found a way to move to the OBX and run a company. Surf every morning and kind of work the rest of the day.

At least the same questions are being asked. How do I/should I talk to a girl? My take for the OP-unless the girl's a direct report who cares? Try to fuck her. If he does, awesome for him. If he strikes out, so be it. Take a shot. It's the whole thing about taking swings for the fences and striking out-you'll never hit a home run if you don't go for the big swing. Maybe I'm wrong but she's in another department and not a direct report so it shouldn't matter much. But don't be a fucktard and do it on a work IM or stuff like that-ask her in person. Don't be a douche and do something stupid but if she's a 10 and you have a connection, go for it. The worst thing is that you won't sleep with her, which won't happen unless you try.

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Aug 18, 2016

Date someone else. Get a tinder or hang out with more people and get introduced to their friends etc. Don't go for someone at work.

Aug 19, 2016

Tinder is extremely overrated.

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Aug 19, 2016

Objectifying and possibly alienating a woman at work is also overrated.

Aug 23, 2016

Yeah banging randoms with little effort is just the worst.

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Aug 24, 2016

Lol this irony is the most ironic I've read in my life

Absolute truths don't exist... celebrated opinions do.

Aug 20, 2016

If you're really worried about other people at work breaking balls and "could never live it down" etc, you're dead right out of the gate

Aug 20, 2016

I feel like I shouldn't need to say this, but DO NOT. ASK HER OUT. OVER IM.

Other than that, I feel like there's isn't an issue with this, since she's isn't on your team. HR might not like it though since you are co-workers as far as they're concerned.

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Aug 21, 2016

Well I wasn't going to ask her out to dinner over Lync, but I presume casual coffee is ok?

Aug 22, 2016

If you want to actually ask her out, don't do it on a work system. A: it's against your company's policy. B: she'll think it's work-related.

Aug 24, 2016

Dead in the water. Don't use corporate IM, & unless she's approaching you hard, don't bother asking her out for coffee or anything, potential downside not worth it. Try building a connection next office happy hr + buy her a drink.

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Aug 20, 2016

This is very simple and NEVER use Lync/IM.

If she sees you on a date with a girl hotter than she is, you'll find her coincidentally swinging by your desk a LOT more often.

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Aug 20, 2016

Two words my friend: plausible deniability

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Sep 14, 2017

Don't do anything discourteous. Period.

Aug 23, 2016

^^This.

Aug 22, 2016

cons of dating a coworker aside, why are you so concerned with what your team would think?

Aug 22, 2016

Because I am a normal human being? I never got the whole "why do you care what people think" I mean of course we all do...

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Aug 23, 2016

you're overthinking it. of course everyone wants to be liked, but unlike george costanza "yes! everyone must like me! I have to be liked!" it's a select few.

I care a lot about what my fiance thinks, what my business partners care about what I do at work, and so on. but do I care about what my coworkers think of my social life? fuck no. people may think "oh that's weird, he's asking someone out at work," but unless you're sexually harassing her, fuck them, it's a free country.

the only reason to care about coworkers' opinions is if you think it'll negatively affect your job. good news though, it won't unless you're harassing her, if you follow my above post there's no way it could be taken as harassment.

in reality, your coworkers will probably worship the ground you walk on if you make a move, because if WSO is any indication, your coworkers are too awkward and chicken shit to ask her out themselves.

    • 2
Aug 22, 2016

You can try to see how she acts when she is around/whether she reciprocates your attraction. If you are 100 percent sure she likes you, then you should go for it. If not, then you will just make it very uncomfortable for everyone. So prob not worth trying.

My guess is if you had to ask WSO for dating advice, chances are she may not be interested/doesn't know you very well. Otherwise, you would be sure that she likes you.

It ain't what you know, it's who you know

    • 2
Aug 22, 2016

At the outset, you should upload a picture of said "dime" in question. This will help others advise on the best course of action.

On a more serious note, to clarify, you work at a bank and this "consultant" joined a few weeks ago? Does this mean that she is only here on a temporary, discrete assignment or is she working at your firm full-time?

If it's the former, I would say go for it since you do not have much to lose (If you fail, she will eventually be gone anyway).

If it's the latter, I would advise you tread carefully.

Given the fact you know one another from "hanging out after work," inviting her to coffee or even lunch is appropriate. I personally would not use Lync / IM to invite her, but if you want to that is fine. Just make sure the message you send is professional / appropriate (common sense, but just in case...) Start with that and see where things go from there.

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Aug 22, 2016

Probably has AIDS, so no.

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Aug 23, 2016

Whoever threw the MS clearly doesn't have any clue about the broads around NYC (assuming this where OP is).

Aug 24, 2016

This whole site contains all types of primates and like 1 or 2 humans. Chances of MS being thrown around?.......pretty high

Absolute truths don't exist... celebrated opinions do.

Aug 22, 2016

We're all adults. If you ask her to grab a drink after work in a respectable manner and she says yes, you win. If she says no, so what? At the very least, she will be flattered that you asked her. Plus, you can always just play it off as it was just a drink. It's not that hard. Don't get tripped up in mind games and shit or you already lost. If you don't ask her at all, you still lost.

    • 2
Aug 22, 2016

Pretty simple

  1. Don't do a blatant ask out over IM/Corporate Email
  2. Next time you see her casually drop a "Hey we should get coffee/lunch sometime" if she says no/ is busy drop it for a week or two and then maybe try one more time. Sometimes people actually are busy, but if she wants to get to know you better, she'll make the effort to try and see you at some point.
  3. If she says no more than once, just drop it and continue being friendly. If she says yes, go to lunch with her, get to know her and see where things go... and then bang her in the office.
    • 1
Aug 22, 2016

You guys are a little strange.....I ask people out for drinks from work all the time. I would feel a little weird if they said no. Granted, I'm not trying to bang them (unless they let me), so maybe that's the difference.

Truly, I would find it bizarre if someone said no to lunch or drinks. What kind of weirdos do you guys work with?

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Aug 28, 2016

This made me laugh my friend.

    • 1
Aug 22, 2016

Don't dip your pen in company ink

    • 1
Aug 23, 2016
SUNYWallStreet:

Don't dip your pen in company ink

Think, this is getting a bit old now. In this day and age everyone is dipping their pen in company ink and it's not considered as inappropriate as it was 15 years ago. As long as you do not come across as a creep / stalker it's all fine.

Just ask her out casually in a professional manner and if she says no think nothing of it. Chances are she is not going to go around announcing that you asked her out.

Aug 28, 2016

It was no different 15 (or even 20) years ago if you want to know the truth. I slept with two of my first managers (one was an associate when I was an analyst, the other the office manager) and nothing happened except for sex. And sex at work. In a closet. Good stuff. And "Chances are she is not going to go around announcing that you asked her out" is spot on. When I was a young single man I hit on every female, within or out of work, and it was ok.

Aug 24, 2016

I've never understood this saying. If you are work and need more ink for your pen/quill, why WOULDN'T you use the company ink? Are you supposed to go get your own? That's stupid, work should provide it.

I understand how it's used now, but I just don't get the logic of the origin.

    • 1
Aug 27, 2016

Don't think too hard about the wording of a euphemism.

Aug 23, 2016

No.

On a related note, I may be a chimp financial advisor (the lowest of the low) but let's ask some more serious questions. It's feeling a little like Business Insider.

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Aug 23, 2016

Sincere apologies for making you click on the thread !

    • 2
Aug 23, 2016

Do I agree this question could have been answered with some common sense and the slightest social skills? Yes.

But it is the Off Topic Forum for a reason.

Aug 23, 2016

Here's a serious question for you. What gives you the right to tell us what type of questions to ask?

    • 1
Aug 23, 2016

Ask your MD what he thinks first.

Aug 23, 2016

what SHE* thinks first.

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Aug 23, 2016
VaRty Time:

what SHE* thinks first.

Yeah don't ask your MD what SHE thinks...

Array

Aug 23, 2016

Haha yes I agree

Aug 23, 2016
VaRty Time:

what SHE* thinks first.

Why don't you bang your MD instead ?

    • 2
Aug 23, 2016

why not just make sure she is bangable

Aug 23, 2016

I have gone out with girls I worked with and I see no problem asking a girl from work out. However, there are two good rules I have used...note that these are not ways I would ask out "civilians" but in the workplace the risk is very high so you have to sacrifice some of your odds of success in order to be sure you aren't jeopardizing your career:

1) Ask her out in a low risk way that could be seen as something you would say to a friend...a last minute thing helps with this...for eg "hey a friend just gave me these tickets/this reservation/whatever last minute, want to go after work tomorrow?" If she likes you she will say yes if not she can say no easily without it being too awkward. "hey thanks but I have something already tomorrow". If she actually likes you she will find a way to say yes. You need to pick your spot carefully here especially because of rule number 2...

2) You only get one shot...if she says no do NOT ask her out again under any circumstances. Even if she has an excuse that sounds legit and says things like "another time definitely". Asking a girl out once at work is no problem but once you get into multiple asks it could be construed as harassment and if she talks about it with her friends at the office at the least you will look like a desperate loser to your co-workers and at most you may get fired. If she says no due to a legit excuse and actually wants to go out with you she will come back to you and find a way to ask.

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Aug 23, 2016

Great advice here

The only thing I would add is that you can also take baby steps to ease her into spending time with you 1-on-1. For instance asking her if she wants to grab a bite to eat after a group happy hour. And "somehow" no one else ends up coming and it's just you two having dinner. Of course what you're dealing with here is a Schrodinger's date

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Sch...

    • 3
Aug 23, 2016

I'm about to not add anything to the actual conversation, but it might be useful going forward for some:
"yea" not "yay"

    • 1
Aug 23, 2016

There is some serious self-awareness lacking here. If she was into you, you'd EASILY know it by now and probably slept with her already given your interest. Girls who are actually interested don't play hard to get nearly as much as guys think they do. She knows you exist and isn't showing clear interest, ergo she's not interested. It's not that complicated fellas...

    • 2
Aug 24, 2016

+1

Aug 24, 2016

if you were talking about any setting other than work, I'd 100% agree with you, but office is a different ballgame. just like guys don't want to be known for "putting their penis where their paycheck is," girls don't want to be seen as the office skank. she may not be outright rude to him, but that doesn't mean she's making it obvious.

Aug 23, 2016

While some dudes on here are probably giving you shit, I can empathize with your situation. Candidly, you should have seized on the opportunities you've had in the past and asked her out already. But that's done, so you need to sack up and do it immediately (that is, when appropriate) or forget about her and move on.

The best option is to ask her out in person if / when you see her in person next. In an office, there's not an ideal setting to do that so you're going to have to sack up and just do it (just make sure it's private and there isn't a bunch of other people around, that'll only add to your humiliation and embarrass her).

I don't personally think to ask her out via IM is all that creepy, but I'm not a 20 something NYC chick so go figure. I would caution taking this route about having on record with your company that you're soliciting dates from temp/contracts workers.

In summary, don't overthink it. You know this. If she's into you, she'll want to hang out with you and likely let you mount her not too long after, with little weight given to the way you do it as long as it doesn't make her look bad or feel uncomfortable. If she's not, she likely won't. Simple as that. Good luck, and good hunting.

Aug 24, 2016

I think you should compliment her work and ask her to get coffee.
A personal favorite line:
"{Name} you are so correct. Let's get coffee to discuss this further?"
Drop that line, and the panties will come off faster than the time it takes for Citadel to rip off some scummy retail trader

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Aug 25, 2016

I would 1000% not recommend it.

Aug 25, 2016

I would invite her over to your desk, complete a 5 year projection for the 3 financial statements in 47 seconds like they do at the Goldman Sachs and say " my fast fingers have multiple uses , let's get drinks later."

Aug 25, 2016
Financial Models and Water Bottles:

I would invite her over to your desk, complete a 5 year projection for the 3 financial statements in 47 seconds like they do at the Goldman Sachs and say " my fast fingers have multiple uses , let's get drinks later."

Even as a joke, this screams premature ejaculator.

    • 1
Aug 25, 2016

if by ask out you mean go out for a happy hour and then end up with a nice little bones session, ive done it twice, the awkwardness goes away, just have a nice little hang over conversation and move past it

Aug 25, 2016

I assume you live in NYC. There are tens of thousands of other women here, a lot of them very attractive. Ask out one of them.

Aug 26, 2016

If you like the girl find the way to ask her out for coffee or tea. It is harmless, and you will get a chance to learn if she is interested in going on the date with you. MOST girls don't bite ;)
Good luck!

Aug 27, 2016

OP, aside from your mother and your sister (if you have one); how many women have you talked to in your entire life?

I get the neuroticism when it comes to nailing that final period on your resume so the MD has a giant orgasm when he looks at your resume. Don't translate this shit into your personal life. You'll know if she likes you, ask casually, and move on if it's a no.

I think- therefore I fuck

Aug 27, 2016

I never laughed so hard from reading in awhile, this thread speaks awesomeness.

On a side note, I have dated coworkers in the past, it gets interesting when she cues that she's also into girls too. Mainly though, they go out with me to pick up chicks for me, sometimes we both get one.

Constructed Advice: It is a risk, but I would advise you to use your primary caution and not do anything rash that may jeopardize workplace feelings. The last thing you need is an uncomfortable workplace environment.

Aug 27, 2016

your pool is too shallow if you're contemplating a chick at work. if anything, use her as a wing man when you go out, but under no circumstances should you ever risk anything for pussy.

"you will lose money chasing women, but you will never lose women chasing money"

If the glove don't fit, you must acquit!

Aug 29, 2016

Update: Asked her to lunch last week in group setting, went well but not sure if she is interested still. Group drinks on Wednesday

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